Checking In

So time for me to check in, I think.
 

And let you know what's been going on around here.


Guess I should start off with Christmas, since that's where I left off. It was hectic, but good. What's that, you ask? Was I good? Hmmmm...almost? The night before Christmas Eve was pretty bad. I was going to write about it, and my husband's ever brilliant commentary, but I just didn't have time, so oh well. It's not like I need to write it down to remember the lesson burned in my um...mind, anyway, ha!


Actually the whole of Christmas season passed by like a blur, and I thought Jay did well with the whole thing, trying to get beyond his past and make new memories, as hard as it was. And as stressful as it was. I am going to have to figure out a way to get beyond traditions and obligations and make things easier on him next year. Just not sure how yet.


I guess I should mention for those of you who don't know, that in times of huge stress, on either me or him, DD gets minimized in this house. I know every couple does it different, some even just the opposite, but this is just the way we've found that works for us. It's not an official thing, it just happens. Now don't get me wrong, he's still as HOH-y as ever. Giving me lots of The Look and lectures on my role and all that. But before actual discipline, I've noticed he generally makes sure he's in a certain state of mind without his judgment being clouded by anything, including outside factors. Then too, I at stressful times can go into overwhelmed and defeated mode when I feel I can't submit since I can't get my head right. So at those times often he determines we need to come together in a different way, and just support each other. I used to think of it as an inconsistency thing, but now I think it's good. As I'm not a spanko, I really enjoy the break sometimes, ha! Well true, often I enjoy those times too much, and then I end up getting ouchy sessions periodically to remind me of a few things. But all in all, I think we both need the break sometimes. Especially when we're talking about someone who constantly finds trouble as much as I do. I'll admit it, no matter how hard I try, I can be a handful. Maybe two handfuls. Like as in, if he didn't give me leeway, between my procrastination tendencies, my not overfondness for being told what to do, and my inability not to air my thoughts aloud in the moment (yes, I can hear many of you laughing, hush already!), he could easily get me for at the very least one thing every day. Every day. But my wonderful husband takes into consideration how much submitting is a day in day out struggle for me, and often impresses me with how he reads each situation. Sometimes I do need consistency, as much as I hate it. And sometimes I need him to back off and reassure me instead. Then too, there are times he finds he needs the same from me, to be able to be with his wife and not have to discipline. And other times I swear he needs to discipline just to feel things are right between us. Sigh.


The hardest part though after a time of stress this deep is transitioning back to normal expectations. Not so much transitions around basic respect, which as he often reminds me should ALWAYS be there, but about household expectations and time frames. That while he's working, I'm expected to work too, like he's my boss (who gets spanked by their boss again? Oh wait, I do, ack!). And you know, all the fun that comes with enforced rules. Necessary yeah, but yuck.


Getting back to real life didn't happen immediately with the beginning of the year, though. It was supposed to, and I was really dreading returning to all rules and everything. But first Jay got sick. Then I got sick. And the one comfort I had during how miserable I was was that blessed delay. Especially appreciated since Jay was so resolute about getting things back to normal, it was making me nervous about my future ability to sit down much in the near future.


All too soon I was better though, and had no excuse anymore, drat! The new year by then was in full swing, and Jay seemed convinced he had to be too. Ouch. As I feared, during that time, I was in trouble every single day for multiple stuff, and I struggled a lot. Of course, I'll admit I accomplished a lot too, and much more than passing levels of Candy Crush. Then, lately, things came to a sort of halt again.


I found myself unusually fatigued, and emotional. Lashing out for stupid reasons. Unable to get much done. And feeling so awful about being unable to do what what I was supposed to.


My poor confused husband tried to do our usual routine for a few days, but I was so much an emotional mess. No matter how much I reminded myself of the good of our contract, that I agreed to this, that we've been doing this for three and a half years and what the heck is wrong with me, that my husband would never hurt me for real and I could trust him, and on and on, I couldn't stop panicking for real, nor could I just lay there and take a spanking, even when I know he was even trying to take it easy on me, encouraging me, everything. So he read it was one of those situations, and backed off a little. But he also reminded me about respect, and what I should be doing with stress, instead of taking it out on him, disrespecting him when he didn't deserve it at all.


I think I would have rather had the spanking than being told that. I never want to make him feel that way. And in turn, I think that made me even a bigger emotional mess. My crazy responses to things was making me feel out of control and helpless, and that was seriously freaking me out, which of course made me feel more out of control and helpless....yeah neverending destructive circle. Ugh.


Later in the week I started crying while making dinner because the meat was bloody and gross, and turning my stomach, and I couldn't get dinner done, and it was stressing me out. And then all that weekend I struggled with wanting to do DD anymore at all, because I was too much of a failure at it, so it was useless anyway. And crying about nothing and feeling like I was losing my mind, besides feeling tired, like I had the flu. Any of you geniuses see where this is going?


Well, I'm not an idiot, not matter how much like one I felt, so off course I went and got a test from the Dollar Tree. I was pretty sure I knew what it would say, although I wasn't sure if it was too early. My period wasn't even supposed to be for four more days. But I took it anyway, because I was feeling weird enough that I needed ASAP validation that no aliens had taken over my body, and I also needed Jay there when I found out. The line was faint, so faint that I had to have Jay look at it to see if he saw it. He said he did, which being those tests are pretty accurate, no matter how faint the line, sent me into a new round of emotions. Relief that I was still normal, glad that I didn't have to see that crushed, disappointed look in my husband's eyes one more month, and glad that I was giving my son the sibling he deserved, but at the same time, oh so not wanting to go through this too.


Anyone who knows me well knows that I have been adamant about not having another child. My last pregnancy was awful, from start through labor. Throwing up every single day, feeling like I had the flu every day for nine months. My labor was awful too, ending up with complications after which it took me well over six months to recover. On the other hand, my child was perfect, every mother's dream. And the idea of having a "normal" infant has always scared me. That I won't be able to handle it, that I'll show favoritism toward my eldest cherub child if my younger child is too difficult, especially if I have another boy. And also not knowing how in the world to get through the nine months of hell that pregnancy can be, while caring for the son I have now, who is still a toddler, and therefore a handful, no matter how perfect he may be compared to other kids his age.


So I wanted to have just our one son and maybe have foster kids after my father-in-law moves out. Seemed like a great plan. My husband didn't agree though. We went back and forth about the issue, sometimes fully fighting about it, and sometimes pleading for each other to understand each other's viewpoints. He even pulled the God card, saying God had given him a dream that I would have a little girl with big blue eyes and beautiful blonde curls...in short, he played dirty.


It ended with a sort of negotiation, him finally convincing me that our son deserved a sibling, and by the way my friends didn't help! (you all know who you are, GLARING). But he did agree to to allay some of my fears by playing a more active role in both the pregnancy and infancy, and also attending to some promises he had yet to keep. So I reluctantly and tearfully agreed to try for a few months at least. This was the last month I agreed to try for awhile. Oh the irony.


So yeah, last week I had every single symptom in the book. Starting earlier than last time, ugh! Since it was just a dollar, I did take another test this past Saturday (love that you can get super accurate pregnancy tests for a buck).

This time it was VERY positive. As if I had any doubt by now between the feeling like I have the flu and everything else.


So yep, preggo. Don't ask me how I feel about it, because I honestly don't know, I can't even sort all my tangled mass of emotions out. One good thing though is no paddles for nine months, YAY! He'll use other things but thankfully he agreed to no wood. I'm elated about that alone.


Okay that's about all my news for right now.




Except...I should also say that no matter how I'm feeling emotionally/physically right now, I'm currently, like almost everyone in this region, so also in a stupor of happy delirium! After years of feeling invalidated and dismissed by the rest of the country (not to mention just plain robbed last time), our beloved football team of misfits and rejects silenced all critics and won the Super Bowl! It means a lot to us, kind of an identity thing, not just a game. It's so amazing, it feels like a dream. If only my dad could be here. Maybe he'll be there later today unseen though, as we scream our lungs out, welcoming them back and celebrating.






Okay, NOW that's all my news. Now I'm off to brave the cold for a VERY happy reason. Hope 2014 is going great so far for everyone :)