I entered our bedroom, on the search for something in particular, can't remember what. And there it was, mocking me with rumpled covers and pillows askew, that silly unmade bed.
Ugh! Quickly I turned away.
I'll deal with it later. I have lots of time, right?
But then, well, I paused and turned back, the mature part of me gained from being in this lifestyle for a couple years now, begging to be acknowledged.
Pesky conscience! I sighed, then stood in the doorway, still in indecision. My stubbornness warring with what I knew was right.
Making the bed is a clear rule in this house. I'm talking, zero tolerance, "fast track to a spanking" type of rule. There's a reason for that. With my ADHD, there's times I don't get tasks done because something interfered, I get distracted, or my concentration just wasn't all there that day. Depending on the reason ("I felt like watching a bunch of movies all day", for instance, doesn't sway his sympathies), and my attitude, Jay sometimes will show leniency, provided I do a better job the next day. There's deadlines for eating for the three meals I'm supposed to eat (rather than one or two), that I sometimes don't achieve, well, because I'm busy, or don't know what to make before the deadline (because I waited til the last minute), our son is needing attention at the moment, it happens. He takes all of that into consideration, knowing it's not always easy for me.Then there's times when he'll tell me to cook dinner, and that often time when I call and tell him that I was too overwhelmed, or the masterpiece I'd tried to make didn't work, he'll lovingly tell me everything is okay, and he'll pick up something for all of us on his way home. Making the bed though, is in a different category, and boy do I know it!
Yes, there are times I genuinely forget. Especially on the day I wash sheets and everything, then have to remember to make the bed after, rather than leave them in the dryer (if they get that far!). But most of the time, there's no excuse I can make for why the bed is unmade.
It seems silly that such a small thing is such a big deal. For both of us. But it is.
For him, other than perhaps being a pet peeve, it's easy to get done, and he knows that no matter what, I can manage it. There's no "I was too overwhelmed" argument that works for not doing it. He knows it's a choice. Probably the biggest choice he sees is me choosing to do it, and do it right, or do it half-way, or procrastinating on doing it until I forget.
For me, it's slightly more complicated. So much so, that it's taken me awhile to deduce the reason. I mean, a made bed makes our bedroom cheerier. It only takes, what, less than ten minutes? So am I really that lazy? Or I thought of another possible reason. Choosing to not make it leads to a spanking, and if I'm caught, half-way making it (he likes the sheet corners tucked under the mattress, and everything else just so), most likely will lead to one as well. So do I subconsciously
want to be spanked or something? Am I actually (gasp)
bratting? 'Cause if not, why is such a simple thing such a battle?
One time when I was going through a "Down with DD" moment, and saw where my thoughts went, I realized something. I think the simple act of whether I make the bed or not represents my willingness to submit, in miniature. It is a method by which I show my respect. But it is also a method, by not doing it, that I can show defiance, take a stand, in a way that nurses my pride and makes me feel better. And I can do it deliberately, but it will be written off as something a little more innocent than direct defiance, which can be considered a victory in itself!
Eek, the truth hurts! If it were my own bed, and he weren't in my life, I'd probably make it on my own. But it's because he makes a big deal about it, and wants everything done "correctly" (ie. his way), I sometimes just want to leave it undone, just so I don't give him the satisfaction (yeah, yeah, I know you feel sorry for him, poor guy!).
Now don't get me wrong, usually I
do make it. Jay is right about the procrastination thing though. There's absolutely times I've turned away, not wanting to deal with it. "It only takes a few minutes, I'll just make sure it's made before he gets home! Just not yet!" Can you guess what often happens in this case? Yep. And he's even caught me feverishly making it after losing track of time, trying to get it done during those last precious seconds. It occurred to me while I've been writing this that maybe even waiting until the last moment is defiant in itself. Because it's on
my time table. And I can still usually get away with it. Sigh.
But then there's worse. There's the times that I've simply stuck out my chin, glanced at that unmade bed through narrowed eyes, and decided not to make it. To take a stand, make a statement, not take his bossiness lying down (I know, I know!). When we've been fighting, or I'm annoyed, I have actually thought (thought, not said!) to myself, on more than one occasion, "And if he thinks I'm going to give him the satisfaction of still making the bed like he likes, he's crazy! I don't care
what the consequences are!" Take a spanking to make my point, and assuage my pride? Yeah, baby. I am that stubborn.
But I will say I am less stubborn than I used to be. At least, I think so. Now, most often when I'm feeling that way, and I feel that urge to leave that stupid bed unmade, I grit my teeth, and I do it anyway. Sometimes I do it as fast as humanly possible, smoothing out everything so it gives the appearance that I did everything right, without taking the blankets off, or giving it the extra effort he wants. Then I catch myself sighing, going back, and correcting what I just did. I do it the way he wants. I do it, not so I don't get in trouble, but to give him this small sign of my respect. I don't always feel like submitting, but it's a small way I can show him I choose to. Because of the commitment I've made, and continue to make, every day, even when I don't feel like it. Because he's earned that from me. And as an act of love. It's a small thing, but yet it's everything.
The funny thing is, I wrote most of this post yesterday, just a general thing I've noticed. And I didn't have time to finish it yesterday. So here I am working on it. But as circumstance would have it, tonight Jay and I are sorta fighting. I'm sure it's just temporary; he's on a temporary night shift while he learns some new skills (thank God it ends in a week!), he's not sleeping even when he is sleeping, and today I unintentionally made it so he got even less sleep. I'm not in trouble, but he wasn't quite demonstrating the leader skills I usually look up to. I don't think it was my fault, and I know he's not thinking straight. I'm pretty sure he'll come to his senses later, and no doubt even apologize, but for the record, I don't feel like submitting right about now. I feel like taking the night off. And yes, today I was faced with the exact situation I've been describing above. In fact, I actually stared at that mess of covers, sheets, and pillows, once again not feeling like making it. The funny thing is with this current schedule, he wouldn't even know if I made it or not. Because I'll be in bed long before he will. But he still wants me to. Did I want to? Nope. Not at all.
But I gritted my teeth, and did it.
It's just a small thing. Right now, though, I know it's still everything.
