Yeah I know it's been forever. Not sure if anyone's still reading, and that's ok. But I am sorry AGAIN for being gone so dang long.
I am going to try to come around more. Yes I know I've said that before, but I think I've figured out a way to make that actually happen easier. I think it would help me to write again, especially right now, but only if I take the pressure off.
Fun thing about being me, I'm obsessed with doing things perfectly. Add developmental processing issues that make translating thoughts to writing take an embarrassingly long time, and it's a wonder anything has ever gotten written here. I don't even want to disclose how much it takes out of me. And it's not only writing and rewriting and derambling posts (is that a word?) to figure out what my point was supposed to be in the first place, but also crafting comments too. Packed onto everything else I have to do every day, it just becomes too much.
But like I said I have a plan. First, to try to get away from my perfectionistic tendencies, and just write. Who cares if it makes sense; my head rarely does when processing and it's for me most. And who cares if the formatting is messed up, not the end of the world anyway, right? I'm just going to try to give myself a time limit and if its not just so, oh well. A type of cognitive behavioral therapy to get over the OCD. Second, I'm probably not going to respond to comments as much if at all. I do appreciate them but it's just too hard for me to keep up with them. I've got to make this easier for me to come be in this space and not be consumed by it anymore. I can't be a community member of Blogland like I used to. I miss it, but I just can't do both. And it's better than not being here at all.
I write for me. But I post just in case others want to peer over my shoulder. So feel free to lurk, or comment, as you wish. Just know that I'm not trying to be rude or something.
So just giving a heads up over that one.
I am still alive though, and still very much a DD wife, except for the break we've been on lately (translation: stressful life prevented maintenance/punishment...so sad, gosh dang it).
These breaks are tricky. Very much like a trap. It seems like a time to relax, let loose a little. You know, looks good, no accountability unless you do something truly stupid which I would never (oh shut up!).
Like I was saying, I always think I got this...at first. I know why we do what we do. I don't need anyone enforcing, I'll do it because I believe in it, thanks. But then...well, I'm going to enjoy my freedom..just an eensy bit. Maybe say a few brave phrases (oh that felt good, kind of intoxicating, gotta do that just one more time, then I'll be all submissive and such!), and...maybe let the pages of rules fall harmlessly to the floor, just procedural stuff...no harm, no foul, right?
All is calm. All is chill.
Then bam! Out of nowhere the trap springs shut and it becomes a gigantic judgement day. Or things spiral from stress or frustration and cause said judgement day. It's a life given test I guess. He's even said as much. I never seem to be able to pass.
And you can guess where things are headed now.
Not totally my fault if break ends abruptly! It's the holidays, and between that and a financially rather stressful emergency with sudden house repairs that we've had to deal with, Christmas has had to be pushed to the last minute. Getting presents for the kids, general plans, even getting groceries. And a last minute birthday to plan. Plus I missed a lot of the sales to get stuff. And even still I have to wait. So yeah I'm stressed. Did I mention Aunt Flo's fun timing? Add that to the list.
All that leads me to say, be helpful or get out of my way already.
Disclaimer: Don't say that to your HOH.
It only works here because we're on break (I think?)
Guess we'll see how things play out.
Merry Christmas everyone!
