Am I Perfect Yet?

This entry should have been posted on Thursday, which was my two-year anniversary doing DD. But that day I was informed in no uncertain terms that if I wrote a blog entry when I was supposed to be cleaning the house and getting ready for a small family trip that occurred this past weekend, he'd make sure the six plus hours of sitting in the car on Friday would be decidedly uncomfortable. So I decided getting this published on the day of wasn't worth that. Then of course, it wasn't done Friday or over the weekend because I was with family, and yesterday, well, let's just say I was having a "Down with DD" Day and didn't want any reminders about DD (shut up, I know!). So anyway, that brings us to today, when, yay, I can finally post this.

So yeah, we have now been doing this dynamic for two years. We are in fact into our third year. Wow!

I do admit I have mixed feelings though. You see, unlike other couples who are committed to DD until they are old and grey and balancing implements with walkers, I really truly thought by the end of year two we might not need it. I mean, I should be perfect by then, right? Before my son gets old enough to know what's happening and I have to figure out that whole mess of silent implements that tend to be way more ouchie and and how to hide all this from him!

Now, of course I realize that that dream of a temporary thing is so far from reality it's laughable. It's not just because of me, either. Jay needs this too, for the benefits it gives him, and our relationship needs this. Still, it can get hard at times, ya know? Especially when I see myself backslide like I did yesterday, for instance.

And, well, especially around an anniversary like this one, when as someone who's been doing this for awhile, it's easy to look at others who don't get in trouble hardly at all, who are even able to do month-long challenges, or longer, or geez, even just a week, and wonder what's wrong with me that I still get in trouble so much. Maybe I'm just TOO rebellious, maybe I'm not cut out for DD, and it's just not effective for people who find it as hard to submit as I do?

I have to admit, it's easy to think that way. I especially felt that way on Thursday, which wasn't good. And on my list of posts to write, is an important one on why comparing in this dynamic can be so dangerous, that's just as much for me as anyone else. All I'll say for right now is that it's an easy trap to fall into, and right now I'm trying to process so I avoid staying there and letting it influence my thinking.

So in order to get my focus on where it should be, it helps to go back to the beginning, to see why I started this lifestyle and what my original goals were for taking this kind of plunge. Most of you that know me well know that certain blogs convinced me to try this lifestyle temporarily, and the single one that influenced me the most was "Husbandly Touch". Now I know I'm pretty much preaching to the choir about how good Mick's blog is, but if, say, maybe you've been living under a rock, or you're new or are limited in how much you can be a part of Blogland, Husbandly Touch is an incredible blog written from the HOH perspective (well, incredible with the exception of if he has a rule idea on there you don't want your husband to see, so wives out there, be careful! ;). Specifically, what was cool for me is that I got to read about someone (Mick's wife, Lynda) who has struggled with so many of the same issues that I always have, and yet, through DD, found a way to rise above all that. I remember reading about the sheer frustration Mick so candidly shared as he and his wife tried to figure this out, frustration I understood oh so well. And surprise as I read about what he found worked. Kind of scary, definitely not conventional, but well, by that time, we'd tried everything. and I was desperate to try anything else that might help. I remember thinking, well, if she could do it, then why couldn't I? Yes, it would involve a lot of spankings and swallowing my pride, but wasn't I ready to try ANYTHING at this point? It became the deciding factor for me trying this dynamic. As scary as it seemed at the time, it allowed me to hope, rather than giving up in despair that I'm just going to fail so why try. And the thought that things could get better made the plunge into this lifestyle worth it.

I'm actually glad I wasn't allowed to write this post on my actual anniversary day, because I wasn't ready to write this post then. This past weekend, in between being with my family, I went back to the very beginning (sometimes it's good to do that with blogs, by the way, you'll learn a lot) and reread those old posts that affected me so much, that convinced me DD could work. I thought about where I was at the the time and how helpless I felt. And I looked at where I am now.

Before, our house was an absolute disaster, and so was I. I don't think I ever expressed on this blog how bad it really was. Too embarrassed. But now I can admit it. So many days, I wouldn't even get dressed into way later, or even at all. I'd get overwhelmed so easily and go back to bed to escape it all or watch TV all day. Jay would vacillate in between helplessness and resentment. I was also late to everything, which drove my always-early husband crazy. And I'd forget to eat a lot, which meant I was sick a lot. Like I said, a mess.

The house was awful. Dirty dishes growing scientific experiments. Mountains of laundry. The kitchen table looking like an altar to the god of all clutter. And too overwhelmed to do anything about it. Too tired of trying different medications and it not working. Lots of yelling, "I can't!" tears from me, followed by stonewalling from him, as he struggled to bury his anger and frustration. And oh yeah. I should mention back then, I wouldn't step foot into a kitchen unless it was to microwave something. It didn't matter that my husband was from a culture where women cook. He knew not to expect it from me. EVER. So up until a brief time ago, I hadn't even made spaghetti. And the sad thing is, it wasn't that I didn't want to (well I hate it, yes, but I still wanted to occasionally just to make him happy). It was much more that I felt I couldn't. And it wasn't worth the effort just to fail. So...much easier just not to care. And I didn't...mostly.

Now, two years later, things are very different. Though not the picture of perfection, the house is pretty much in order. As I am writing this, the kitchen is clean. So is the living room. Our bedroom needs some work, but I'll get that done. Clothes are clean, and in drawers or hung up, rather than in dirty piles all over the floor. In fact, you can even see the floor now, what a concept! I'm not late to everything anymore. I now not only step into the kitchen, but I also prepare dinner on a nightly basis. And the resentment that used to characterize our relationship is gone. My self-esteem and confidence in my abilities is monumentally higher than it used to be.

On the other hand, yes, for my part, I still have some growing to do. I hate it, but I still get in trouble a lot. Lots of rules means lots of chances to break them. And lots of chances to choose not to do them when I don't feel like it? Some people may not understand this, but yes, we have a ton of rules, mainly getting stuff done by certain times or on a daily basis, because I need those rules to keep me going straight. This is what we have found works for us. And what still has to be in place, even two years later, as much as I hate it sometimes. I don't think the majority of people should do the micromanaging Jay does, and even he struggles with being consistent, doing it when he'd rather I just figure it out on my own. But we both acknowledge that at this point, I need it. That without it in our relationship, there would be no point to us doing DD. It would be absolutely ineffective. Been there, tried that. Several times. I backslide just a teensy bit when temptations call. And backslide some more if I got away with that. I even take a trip to yesteryear now and again. Like, um, yesterday.Yesterday was one of those days where I acted like I always had pre-DD (I know, I know!), and yes, I got the message that wasn't a brilliant idea (ow, still feeling that um, loving, message). So yeah, today I can say I'm back on track.

Going back to the perfection thing (or even just the staying-out-of-trouble-for-any-length-of-time thing). I'm not even close. I'm not even in the role model category. In fact, maybe the opposite. I've got a ways to go, as does Jay. I can focus on that and feel discouraged. Or I can focus on the near miraculous progress I have made, that Jay and I have made together, even, since we've had this in our lives. And instead of being overwhelmed, be proud. Even confident in what the future holds.

And ready to make Year Three a good one.

Maybe I'll be perfect by then? ;)

Five Minutes To Seduction

"Oh no!" my friend said, interrupting our phone conversation, rather suddenly, "it's been more than five minutes! You better go!"

I laughed at the urgency in her voice. Yes, Jay had given me permission only to talk for that long, and then I was to come downstairs to take a shower and go to bed. But c'mon, this was Jay we were talking about, not her ultra consistent husband! "Don't worry, I'm sure he didn't actually mean five minutes," I assured her, trying to steer the conversation back to what we were talking about.

"Kay, you better go. I don't want you to get in trouble!"

"I won't! Don't worry so much! Everything will be fine, I'm sure of it! Anyway--"

"Kay," my oh so wise friend chided, "you are such an amnesiac! You don't think about being in trouble until you're actually hearing him say, "roll over!"

Okay she's got me there. "True," I admitted. "But this time I'm pretty sure I'm in the clear, it's okay! Jay's in the bathroom, he's busy! Maybe sometimes yeah. But with this situation, I'm pretty sure--"

And then I heard it. That little sound letting me know my call waiting was still working fantastically. Any guesses as to who was on the other line? Yeah, you guessed it, you smart people!

"Uh oh, speaking of," I groaned, "hang on..."

"Hi Honey!" I greeted, as sweetly as I could.

"And you are WHERE?" Jay's voice was stern and HOH-y. Ut oh.

"Um--"

"Are you still on the phone?"

I thought for a second. Technically I wasn't, my friend had clicked off. But I resisted the temptation to use the loophole. "I was," I admitted.

"Why?"

"Well, I knew you were in the bathroom, and I thought I had more time!"

"Uh huh," he answered thoughtfully, meaningfully. And what did I say, Kay? I said five minutes, didn't I?"

"Yes." I answered quietly.

"Come downstairs NOW and get in the shower," he told me, leaving no room for debate.

I immediately did as I was told. While I was getting undressed though I couldn't help complaining that I was already sore a little from a previous discipline I'd gotten not that long before. Maybe I was playing on his sympathies a little? Yeah, I know, I know. But it works...sometimes!

"I'm sorry Sweetie," he started out tenderly, "that you're hurting! Considering that afterwards, you're going to be hurting a lot more!" Okay so it didn't work that time, grrrr...

"But-but-but Jay! I can't take a spanking after a shower!" As everyone knows, Shower + Spanking = VERY Ouchie! Ugh!

"But I said five minutes, and I meant it. And you stayed on longer, didn't you? Totally disregarded what I said?"

"Yes! I mean No! I mean--" I thought fast. "Well, I thought maybe you might have been talking about a football five minutes!"

My husband stifled a smile and shook his head. "Weaseling, loopholing (is that even a word?), LYING...which one should I pick in addition to direct disobedience?"

Oh and eek. I was not liking the direction of this conversation at all. I stayed silent.

And afterward prepared for the inevitable. Well, maybe not completely. I had one more trick I could use. I mean, we'd just taken a shower together. It wouldn't be that difficult...mwhahaha!

Jay studied my too gleeful scheming expression I was trying desperately to hide. As always, he can read me like a book. He shook his head slowly. "On your stomach," he directed. I obeyed. Well, sort of. I positioned myself just right so I could...well, get down to seducing him. He smiled wide. Ha! As usual, he can't resist! Yep, I was getting out of it. I'd won for sure.

Except...a conversation I'd had with my friend suddenly interrupted my triumphant victory party. And suddenly I felt guilty. Had I deserved to be punished? Yes. Was I respecting his authority by what I was doing? No.  Was I being massively selfish and using sex in a way I shouldn't be? Um...yeah. And then there was the idea that I should be seducing him because I love him, not to get out of something. Isn't that using him? Ugh, not something I ever wanted to do. Lastly, would me weaseling my way out of punishments I earned and agreed to help our marriage and HELP US GROW? No... Probably even keep us from growing at all. Sigh. Happy, friend of mine?

And so I paused, even stopped.

"What's wrong? Why'd you stop?"

I turned mournful eyes up to his. "I remember a conversation with a friend, and suddenly I feel guilty," I confessed.

His eyebrows raised in surprise. Then, "Okay, let's get this over with..." I gritted my teeth and prepared for the implement to fall. It hurt. During, I cursed my stupid conscience that wouldn't let me go to bed all snuggly and pain-free. Grrr! Afterward, while Jay cuddled me, he asked me the weirdest question.

"You feel better that you did the right thing?"

I stared at him. Huh? What kind of stupid question is that, you you Meanie? NO! I DON'T feel better! It hurt A LOT, and I'm in pain, and I didn't have to be! This totally bites! 

But then I noticed his expression. Pride in his girl. That I'd resisted temptation and done the right thing. And my own hardened one softened. "Yeah," I said, cuddling into him. "I do."

And soon after we finished what I had started earlier...the right way this time. :)



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