"Don't Make Me Throw A Ferret At You"

So while I'm waiting until later tonight to get my behind paddled for not listening again about something he told me repeatedly to stop doing (don't say it, I know, I know!), I'm trying to get my mind off things, lest I go insane. And, well, I thought I'd accomplish that by doing a largely vanilla post introducing you to my four-footed kids.

We have no dogs or cats in this house. I wanted another kitty (ours got killed by another cat, thanks to Jay's dad's neglect, not going there), but Jay said no. Other than the precious kitty we had that got killed, Jay generally hates cats, for some reason (they love him, it's the funniest thing)! Instead, he asked if someday we could consider a ferret. I said that might be cool, because I knew he always wanted one. Which he chose to take as an enthusiastic yes, grrrrrr. Because shortly after that, he picked me up from work one day with a sheepish, "guess what" smile. Apparently he just hadn't been able to resist the little furry face, thanks to his sister's influence (not going there, either), and bought the little critter on the spot. I was a little upset, as ferrets are a LOT of work. But within hours, her open affection and clownish antics, combined with those big mournful eyes, helped her burrow her way into my heart forever.

We now have two of them. So for those of you who think these are wild animals that might chew your face off given the first opportunity, I'd like to welcome you to...the unofficial Ferrets 101! Ferrets, also nicknamed "fweasels", "fuzzies", and "carpet sharks" are the third most common pet to own in the United States, after dogs and cats. Like the weasel, badger, and otter, they are members of the Mustelidae family, but unlike their relatives, have been domesticated for thousands of years. The domestic ferret resembles wild ferrets as much as domesticated dogs resemble wild dogs. They are the acknowledged clowns of the animal kingdom, and when awake, are rarely still. What are you really dealing with when you own a ferret? Well, imagine taking the intelligence of a toddler, the playfulness of a kitten, and the mischievousness of a monkey, squashing all that together into a tiny long fuzzy body small enough to get into anywhere, adding a serious case of ADHD, and some kleptomaniac tendencies. Yep, that's a ferret in a nutshell. That, and adding a serious fetish for shoes.

There are ways I identify greatly with my ferrets (and not just that I love shoes!). For the most part, I love life (when not in trouble). I sing constantly, and savor every moment. People say that in life you should take time to smell the roses? I do that (and often stay lost in the garden!).

Ferrets can't sing, but they have the ability to show happiness like no other creature on earth. When a ferret shows happiness (which should be every day, if they are treated right), they literally dance with joy. They hop from side to side on all fours, tumble end over end, often bouncing off things, do feats that would make gymnasts gasp, and dook (make sounds like a chicken). It's officially called the "weasel war dance." Although both my fweasels do it, as all well cared for ferrets do, one of them is a master at it! And can you guess when I see her do it to the greatest extent? That would be when she outsmarts me! Like during playtime, when she manages to get into a room she knows she's not supposed to be in, and I pick her up and gently toss her out; that little brat runs between my legs back into the room, and runs underneath something she knows prevents me from reaching her. You'd think she'd stay there safe, but she can't help herself.  About twenty seconds later, she predictably comes out, dooking and dancing up a storm, just to make sure I know she bested me. Then, each time she does it, she gets more and more confidently bratty until I catch her, and she's REALLY in trouble. Oh wait. I'm supposed to be talking about similarities. Um...no similarities to me here...really there aren't, I'm sure of it....

There is the one similarity anyone who knows me instantly identifies for some strange reason. Ferrets are easily distracted. They love to play, and anything bright and shiny will do. And they rarely listen when you tell them to stop what they're doing. Yes, unfortunately, I share those same characteristics sometimes. Even when I'm supposed to be focused on other things. In fact, especially when I'm supposed to be focused on other things. Like a computer when I'm supposed to be...okay, let's just agree not to go there for now...

Ferrets have a natural knack for getting into trouble. In fact, if there's trouble to be found, a ferret will find it. There's no similarity here either, just in case you're wondering. Okay, okay, we might have that in common, I admit, but I think they've way got me beat. I'm not kidding either. Having ferrets means a major amount of childproofing, even more so, because they're so tiny, and can fit in unimaginably small spaces. They're highly intelligent problem solvers. I came into the kitchen one day to find my darling little critter, with a nose full of dirt, playing in my potted plant, soil strewn all over the counter. Apparently, she had opened the cabinet, climbed up the back, got behind the drawer and pushed it forward until it opened, then climbed into the drawer and onto the counter top to happily create some fweasel havoc. She also can spot Dr. Pepper across the room, in any form. She won't touch a Coke can, but if she sees a Dr. Pepper, even sealed, she goes nuts. Then she tries to figure out a way to get to it and spill it all over the floor so she can lap it up. And I can't tell you how many times I've run after them to rescue something before it disappears forever.

One really big problem that collides is their knack for trouble, and my lack of attention. Like when I put them in the bathroom to play, then get I distracted and forget to check crucial details. Did I say this was a vanilla post? Yeah, maybe we should throw that idea out the window. Or stuff it in a closet my ferrets can't get to...Because my fuzzies have gotten me in trouble A LOT. You'd think I'd learn. It's not very hard to check if the bathroom closet door is closed. Did I mention ferrets are ferocious? They have claws, and they will absolutely shred you. That is, if you happen to be a toilet paper roll. Or anything in a wrapper. I'm serious, it's not pretty. Of course, if you happen to be a spider, and anything I wish they would go after, you're totally safe. Go figure.

Anyway, I can't tell you how many times Jay has tried to open the bathroom door, and I hear the dreaded drawn out, "Uh huh!" as he feels the opposition, from everything that was previously on the cabinet shelves now strewn all over the floor. Complete with shredded toilet paper everywhere. Sometimes toilet paper we just bought. Oops. My one ferret is an escape artist and problem solver, I mentioned that. My other ferret REALLY likes to climb things. She's also an experienced interior decorator. That, and like her partner in crime, a problem solver. She can even open zippers. And she has no problem emptying shelves to create the perfect playground for both of the little monsters. No qualms about it, either, unfortunately for me.

Like I said, ferrets are a lot of work. Which brings me to the title. I'd neglected to close the bathroom closet door securely one time too many. Jay was understandably frustrated. And to make things worse, I was mouthing off about it being somehow his fault the door was open, even though it was clearly mine. Shhhhh, I didn't admit that!  You know, trying to get out of trouble any way I could. The kind of situation Jay responds to by asking me if I'd like a shovel, to bury myself better. I claim temporary insanity when I'm in trouble. That's all I can say.

Anyway, next thing I knew, Jay was putting me in my place. "Enough! You messed up already, but you had better get control of yourself, and stop what you're doing! Don't make me throw a ferret at you!"

He would never do it, of course. But that definitely got my attention, if nothing else, because it made me laugh. Hence the title. And, combined with the spanking I received, I think his jest actually had an effect. For some reason I've been remembering to be more careful lately. Yay for me!

Ugh, almost time. Now my mind must come back to the present, and the not-so-yay. The consequences for being so ferret-like and not listening. Arrggghhhh...

But at least I always have fweasel kisses to help cheer me up. :)

Live and Learn

So I've been decidedly MIA for a small while. Something happened between Jay and I. I can't share specifics, but let it suffice to say that promises were broken, and trust was breached. It was innocent, a beginner's mistake, but it was serious enough that having TTWD in our marriage was called into question--for a very brief time.

A very scary time! The actual event wasn't that horrible. It was the aftermath, the inability to erase it, the figuring out how to deal with it, that was so difficult. And the idea that this new life of ours, which had become so important to us, was possibly in jeopardy.

You know the saying that "you don't know what you got til it's gone"? Yep, sometimes TTWD is frustrating. I'll be first in line to admit it! Sometimes, okay, let's amend that: always, the spankings hurt. Then there's those lectures that find that sensitive nerve and grate it raw. Or the fact that it seems like the only way I'm not going to say something disrespectful is to tape my mouth. Or maybe to restrict my conversation to the weather? Nope, I'm pretty sure I'd end up saying something I shouldn't even in that circumstance! It seems to be one of my most natural talents (I guess everyone has to be good at something, right?). And let's not forget the increasing amount of rules ((huge groan)). These things are hard. And annoying. And even decidedly painful!

But the truth is, those things pale in comparison to how bad things could be. The truth is, it absolutely terrifies me to go back to the way things were. The truth is, we can't, knowing what we know.

Returning to days of unspoken resentment and cold shoulders. Wondering what each other are thinking because we don't communicate. Wondering what else we aren't being told because there are secrets between us. So deeply in love with each other, and yet, frustrated, because we can never to seem to express it right.

Suddenly things like spankings, listening to the same lecture over again, obeying when I'd rather not, and biting my tongue just to show my love don't seem all that bad!


Nearly losing TTWD made me think about why it's so important to me, and to us. Yes, it originally started out as a temporary tool to help me with some things I really need to learn. That's why we started, but that's NOT why we continued. We continued because we both discovered we had to learn some things that each other desperately needed, and we could do it together! I've mentioned in before posts that there were profound changes in the way Jay showed he cherished me, the lengths he found himself automatically taking on to show it, and the new security I felt from him taking care of me.

For his part, he tells me that he no longer feels ignored and taken for granted. He knows, in spite of the results (which may currently be lacking, oops), that I really am trying to meet his needs, to be a good wife and mother. I'm no longer telling him he should have married a doormat, thank you, leaving him feeling helpless and misunderstood. Resentment for each other is gone. We see each other trying, not to make ourselves, but one another, happy and cared for. We have no more secrets. We may struggle with things, but now we do it together. And the passion between us--let's admit it, we no longer have any fear of that going anywhere!

We made sure we evaluated together what happened that night. We also, taking the advice of a concerned friend, stepped back from DD for a very brief time, and just made sure we reconnected. Apologies were said, trusts were mended, and safeguards for the future were set in place. We've moved on, and yet, we're not shoving this under the rug somewhere. We're using those principles of communication and honesty to let this experience bring us even closer together, whereas before TTWD, it would have likely torn us apart.

So that all settled, we're back. And life has never been better!

Except that starting tomorrow I'm only allowed one measly hour of computer/phone time, as it will be every Monday and Friday until my performance "significantly improves", and thanks A LOT for your blog contributing to him thinking up this asinine idea, You-Know-Who-You-Are......  ;)

About Faith

For those of you who read my last post, so you don't think I jumped off a cliff or something, I thought I'd give an update. Jay felt sick, and came home from work early. He could tell I was upset, so instead of going straight to sleep, we talked. I told him first what an effect that stupid implement had on me. He confided that he really didn't want to use it, but he felt he had to follow through to get my attention. He had tried to use it as lightly as possible, because he knows I can't take much. But he needs something to motivate me, when everything else has failed. So it stays. But, he said, it's only for the worst punishments, and I don't have to worry about it on a regular basis. So while I don't like it, I actually am okay with that (for now), because those punishments hardly ever happen. It irks me to say, though, objectively, it did work; I didn't get in trouble yesterday for once. But I'd be happy with never having one of those reminders ever again!

The other issue, though, was actually more important to me, and I'm not sure in my ranty state that I conveyed that well enough. Jay tried to make me feel better about it, but it's kind of hard to do that when the problem is within myself. It's the idea that I've failed so much that Jay felt he had to go to such measures. And the idea that I'm going to have to go through it again and again because I can't change, no matter what I do. I shouldn't need that kind of motivation! Actually, I struggle with the idea that I have to undergo spanking at all. I wish I could just be good, so it's not even needed! But it seems I just fail and fail and fail...

I do realize it's a process. It's hard; I can't expect it to be easy. This journey is not a fairy tale road strewn with flowers. Yet it is worth it, I know that, even if I have to go through spankings I don't like, and even if it feels like I'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyone who follows my blog hopefully knows that my faith is really important to me. I believe God communicates with people in different ways. With me, it's often through music, especially when I'm down. Every year, and with every major event in my life, there's always been a song that speaks to me, that gives me the strength I need.

One of those songs that I was recently given was the song, "That's What Faith Can Do" by a group called Kutless. I know the song, since that's a favorite group of mine, but I never thought about it in the context of TTWD, or how hard it gets sometimes, until I heard it yesterday. And it echoed through my head for hours, especially the verses, which really hit me.

I realized I was feeling so badly because I did temporarily lose my faith. I stopped hoping, and I stopped believing. I lost my faith that this works. I lost my faith in my husband; that I could talk to him, and he would listen to me, that he'd take care of me no matter what. And instead I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle our future, that it was too overwhelming. That I've let him down too much, and all I'd continue to do was that. I lost my faith in myself, that I'm capable of learning, capable of being a good wife and a good mother. That I'm not a failure. And I lost my faith in God, that He wouldn't abandon me, that He's taking care of me, that He knows my weaknesses, and that He's helping me grow and overcome them-that I'm not doing this on my own. And I listened, I was reminded why I need to keep holding on.

I wish I could put the video on Youtube here, but I'm new to blogging, and couldn't figure out how to make it work. But I'm going to putting the lyrics below, for those of you who, like me, need to be reminded of these words. And when you get a second, do a search and listen to the song, because it's worth it:

What Faith Can Do  

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
 

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

So all my problems aren't over, nor the struggles that go on inside me every day. But I do have new hope, and that makes me smile, and try harder, even in times I think I can't. 

Now if you could please remind me of this next time I fall off the deep end... :)

Reality Bites

Right now I don't even know what to say. I want to quit DD? I don't want to say it, but...sometimes I feel that way. I usually keep a pretty positive attitude, hopeful in fact. Not really feeling it right now. It's like I live in a fairy tale world most of the time, all hopeful of better times to come and celebrating the love between us (the song Happy Ever After" from the movie "Enchanted" comes to mind). Now I feel like I've been doused with the ice cold water of reality. Sometimes this lifestyle is not romantic. Sometimes it's just...hard. I have no humor right now. I don't even have anything positive to say. That's where I'm at.

I got spanked yesterday. If you're following my blog, you know the one I got threatened with on my birthday? The one he said he had in his toolbox, but would bring home shortly? Yeah, with that. A thick rubber strap made out of melted down recycled tires. He only gave me three, then did the rest with the paddle and his hand. But I could barely even take that. I was near hysterical. He informed me that he was barely even hitting me with it. Like that's supposed to make me feel better that it can be so much worse, thanks!

Maybe someone with a pain tolerance like mine doesn't belong in TTWD. All I know is that I didn't feel better after the spanking. No warm fuzzy feelings of romance, even though he held me, and tried to make me laugh. All I could think of was that this is going to happen again and again and again. I don't want to go through this! If I don't have the tasks around the house he assigned by the time he gets home today, as well as the normal, I'm getting five with that evil thing. For anyone else, the things he assigned would be easy. For anyone else. Not me. And I know this is bad, I am ashamed of it, but it feels like I've failed before I've began.

And it's not even just him stepping it up with spankings, it's also that I'm tired of failing over and over and over. I joke around a lot, but I really truly want to become a better wife! But it feels like my efforts are useless, that I'm a hopeless case. No matter how hard I try, it doesn't even seem to matter. And the thing is, he really doesn't ask that much! Jay is more than fair, shows his love for me in so many ways, and yet, all I do is fight him; when I haven't already sunk myself by my distraction with bright and shiny objects. He's stepping up, because he has to, because he believes in me. Objectively, I know that. But it doesn't help much right now. Right now I'm feeling really down, and so really alone.

I wish I could talk to somebody, but there's not really anyone in my life that would understand TTWD. The only thing I can do is vent here and talk to God. And even then, I know what He has to say.

He says not to give up, that He's not going to leave me like this, that He will help me, that He has a plan. I hear the words. But right now...I don't know. It doesn't comfort; it doesn't even feel real.

Help Wanted

I'm doing something I'd never thought I'd do. I'm asking for help...and not just for anything. These are words I'd never thought I'd say. I need help getting my husband an implement ((choke, gag)). Yes, to use on me. Okay people, stop gasping in shock. I know that it may seem strange, that I, Kay, serious hater of all implements, would ever decide to do such a thing (And no, Stormy, I haven't taken leave of my senses)!

I assure you all also, before you you try to figure out where I live and race out to rescue me, that no one is holding a gun to my head. I'm actually choosing to do this just because I think we need it, and without my Jay's knowledge. The time has come. Because the way I figure it, my husband has gotten serious about this thing, and I need to do the same.

So if anyone can help me find an implement that meets my needed specifications, I would really appreciate it! Feel free to spread this around to your other blogger friends, as I need all the help I can get! Thank you all in advance for the help I know you'll be giving me!

So the deal is, I have two criteria, and it's vitally important that both of them be met: 1) It needs to look very formidable--not wicked looking exactly, because it needs to be for normal punishment use, not just for special occasions. But the look of it needs to convince him that it's a serious implement; and 2) It needs to hurt hardly at all (I'd also settle with not at all, but I think Jay might see through that too easily). So there you have it.

Can anyone help me find something like this? Anyone? Anyone? C'mon...help me out!


Jay is one of those people, a jack-of-all-trades. A born handyman. The kind of person who can fix anything, and make anything. His imagination is endless, and his ability to make things into reality, well, he makes it look easy. I watch in awe as he takes something, anything, that's hopelessly broken, and makes it work again. He's a problem solver too, with numerous inventions to fit every circumstance.

Indeed, this skill comes in extremely handy around the house, with our vehicles, and with our boat. But in regards to TTWD, it provides for a particularly fearful situation.

We have two wooden paddles, one that officially is called a "Pizza Peel" but looks like a paddle in every way except for a tapered edge at the end. Maybe it's used to get pizza out of a pan, I don't know. But as soon as my husband saw it (it was in the things my brother was getting rid of), he snatched it, and not for pizza! For the record, that thing is absolutely horrible! The other is a large mahogany paddle he made that, thankfully, he hasn't varnished and finished yet. It still hurts though! And, just in case you're new to my blog, we also have a broken fishing rod handle, kept for DD purposes after his pole got broken. I hate that thing!

So except for things around the house used playfully or to quickly get my attention, that was his main arsenal. Notice I said WAS.Which brings me to making you understand why I need help so badly!

*       *       *

It was my birthday late last week. The day when your husband is supposed to treat you like a queen, right? Yeah, I thought so, too. Well, I kind of thought, since it was my birthday, I had a free pass. And I may have not been as careful as I should have. Because I did something quite careless.

So we're happily discussing plans for our evening together, and then Jay leaves the bathroom and goes into our bedroom. I'm busily getting dressed for our big night out, after just having showered, when I hear, "Oh no, no, no you didn't!"

Now, if you haven't heard those or similar words, the translation implies a very serious crime. One you don't want to have to face right after a shower. I racked my brain for what I did. Yep, there's only one thing in the bedroom I could think of that could cause that response. I forgot to make the friggin' bed.

I'm not really sure why making a bed is such a big deal. It's possible that Jay sees it as a sign of my obedience and submission, a small task he knows I can handle, without excuse. Or it's possible that he hates the bed messy. It's possibly a combo of both. Whatever the reason, though, if I neglect to make the bed, it's World War III on my rear.

But it is my birthday, right? So I thought of all days, this one I could negotiate myself out of it. Nope. "You keep making these arbitrary rules, thinking I have to keep them!" he said. "I'm not letting you off, just because it's your birthday."

What?! "But-"

"Nuh, uh, Kay. You're not getting out of this. I'll give you just five swats, but you ARE getting them."

Think, think, think! "Well, since it's my birthday, could you please just use your hand?"

"No!" 

Okay, time to look pitifully cute. "Please? Pretty please?"

He looked at my my big blue pleading eyes, and thought for a minute. "Okay," he said slowly. "I won't use the paddle."

Yay!  I came closer to hug and kiss him. But his next words stopped me cold. "I'll use the rod instead." There was a decidedly wicked gleam in his eye. "And yes, I know exactly where it is."

I think my mouth fell open in shock.Now just in case I didn't make this clear, I hate that stupid fishing rod! I haven't seen it for awhile, and I was hoping the reason was because he lost it (it's happened before). What I should mention is that I'm not allowed to touch or move any implement. But that doesn't stop me from occasionally piling clothes and other things on top of them, and hoping they get lost, heh, heh, heh. So I thought I had succeeded. But apparently not. Or I did, and he found it again. Crap! What am I going to do now? "Um...you can use the paddle," I faltered, already knowing what his answer would be. He rarely changes his mind once he gets that look.

I was right. Dang! "No, I'm going to use the rod. And I'll think I'll do it right now." He studied my face with amusement. "Why do you look like a deer caught in headlights?"

"Because-because it's my birthday, and I don't want to go through this! Please, I'm sorry I didn't make the bed, I'll do it right now, just please-" I buried my face in my hands.

"Well, I could use the rubber strap I have in the truck."

I looked up at him skeptically, distracted from my fear. "Yeah, right."

"I'll give you a choice. You can take the rod, or you can take the rubber strap. Totally up to you."

"I think you're full of crap," I said. "I don't even think you have one. You're just trying to scare me so I'll take the punishment you want." Okay, I acknowledge now, probably not the brightest thing to say.

My husband just kept smiling. "You want to test that theory, Sweetie? It's not finished, but it is in the truck. I just have to put a handle on it. But it will still work just fine."

"Yeah, but that's what you said in Texas."

"When in Texas?"

"When you said you had this horrific paddle in the garage, that you described in detail, and gave me a choice just like now. And I swallowed your bait: hook, line, and sinker. And then you told me later you were BS'ing the whole thing."

I could see him thinking hard. "I don't remember that," he said, finally.

"Well, I do! And I think you're doing the same thing."

"So you want the strap then?"

"So if I choose the strap, and you're bluffing, then I don't have to take anything, right?"

"Yes, but if I do have it, then you'll have to take it, and I don't think you want to."

I thought quickly. Okay, there's a chance he's not bluffing. But even then, maybe it's not as bad as the rod! It's possible!  "I'll take the strap," I said confidently, clear challenge evident in my tone.

My husband stared at me. I smiled. He shrugged his shoulders. "Okay, as you wish. I'll be back in a moment."

He was gone what seemed like a long while. I, meantime, paced. What would it feel like if it was true?  Although I couldn't imagine, what if it hurt way worse than the rod, and I couldn't take it? Had I made an incredibly stupid decision? (Don't answer that, people!).

C'mon, Kay, get yourself together! I put on a brave face, and locked him out, just to be a brat, just to prove something. I know, I'm horrible. I'm not proud of it...now.

I looked through the peephole, and yes, even though I couldn't see what it was, he definitely had something in his hand. Dang it!

He jiggled the handle. "Kay, open the door."

"All right, you can come in, but you have to promise to leave the-"

"KAY, OPEN THE DOOR NOW!"

"Okay, okay, no sense of humor at all, geez!" I said, letting him in.

Jay just shook his head. "You're supposed to be lying down," he reminded. Then he held it up. I'm pretty sure my eyes got as wide as saucers. The thing was just a piece of rubber, but very large and very scary. "Maybe the rod might be okay," I backpedaled, fearfully.

"Nuh uh, you wanted it, you got it," he said, wapping it against the furniture for effect. "Now go lie down."

I did as I was told. "Could you just do one with that and four with your hand?" I asked, hopefully.

"Nope. You're getting all five."

I buried my head, and tried to slow my breathing. It hurt. A lot. I struggled through the five. But then Jay continued. "You said five!" I whimpered after the six. "Yeah, but now I'm thinking I should just go ahead and do 33 today in honor of your birthday. Besides, I'm having fun!" What?!!

"Just imagine how much better this thing will be when it has a handle," he said, cheerfully. For the record, I didn't share his cheer, nor did I appreciate his perky attitude. "You haven't even seen the bad one. This is the light one. The other one that I have in my toolbox is a little bit narrower, but has three layers just like this held together with nylon cord. That one's going to hurt!" he laughed, with obvious pride in his ingenuity. I grimaced. He was enjoying this.

He was swatting me only lightly, but as I have an almost nonexistent pain tolerance, I still couldn't handle it anymore. "Please, Jay, please just use your hand!"

"Okay," he said, obliging me.

"Ow! It's supposed to be light if I'm not in trouble!"

"It is your birthday, so you get birthday spankings! And a spanking's supposed to hurt, right? " 

Um...I'm so not answering that!  I was seriously regretting the 30 spanks I managed to give him on his birthday, the ones where he went, "oh, ow," mocking me the entire time. Now maybe he was getting revenge?

*       *       *

We did have a wonderful night. Although he made sure to tell me during the course of the evening that things would be gradually changing. He said he's going to be cracking down on a lot of things, and within six months, there will be some drastic differences. Punishments will be harder, and he has lots of new ideas of things to make to make sure his lesson gets through. Eek! He is beginning to like this way too much! He also said he has a lot of plans and new rules that would be implemented in the near future. What exactly does that mean? He wouldn't tell me.

But he has been busy showing me in the past few days, and I'm starting to think maybe he's not bluffing about this, either...

So do you see now why I'm forced to ask for help? Help a girl out! Anyone got any ideas? Anyone?

Ten Minutes and Ten Spankings

So my husband continues to explore his inner DD manual, and I don't exactly appreciate the changes sometimes. Like about this issue.

Apparently Jay has had it up to the tip of his hair with my much to be desired time management skills and procrastination. He's coming down hard on me. Yes, I mean that literally. Hard. With wood. Eek.

***

Jay had just gotten home from work. We had some errands to run, and as usual, he sat down to watch TV, while waiting for me to get myself and our son ready to leave. Just then, our son began to let us know he was hungry, in no uncertain terms, so my efforts of getting out the door got suspended while he ate. And then that suspension continued-- after I got engrossed in the show I had been watching while he ate. Jay said nothing until the show was over. Then, while I was finally back to getting everything ready, I may have responded to what he said with a slight bit of attitude. I was just about ready to walk out the door (so I thought), when he suddenly took me by the hand, and led me into our bedroom to talk.

I don't like being led into our bedroom like that, because it usually means I'm in trouble. I breathed a sigh of relief, therefore, that this was just to be normal talking, while we lounged on our bed for a moment. We talked about some logistical issues we had, including something that was bothering me, which was my reason for my poor response to him. When all was set right, Jay reiterated that we really needed to leave soon. I told him I was ready.

"You're sure!" he emphasized, drawing the words out.

"Yes!" I responded, with righteous indignation. To even think he'd doubt my word!

He studied me skeptically. "Good," he said finally. "Because if you're not out that door in exactly ten minutes, you're getting ten spankings."

I had to smile. He uses the words "spankings" for "swats" sometimes. I quelled the desire to say something decidedly smartass. "You mean swats," I finally corrected him, still smiling a little.

"No, I mean spankings." I stared at him. He wasn't smiling at all. The alien matter-of-fact words coming out of my sweet husband's mouth continued. "Ten swats with the paddle each, to be carried out over the next ten days. I'm tired of waiting for you all the time, and it's going to stop NOW."

I'm sure my eyes got as big as saucers. This was not my Jay! He'd never suggest something like this! I searched for signs of teasing. Nope. He looked every bit the part of a serious HOH.

"You'd better get moving," he said.

I had a choice. An easy one, right? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know what you would have done in this situation. You would have bounded out the door with eight minutes to spare. Good for you. Me, well, I'm a complicated creature. I don't like warnings or ultimatums. In fact, I tend to see them as a challenge. A dare. It's a blow to my pride to give in. Call me crazy, I take no offense. But that's how I often see things.

What's more, I didn't completely believe what I was hearing. This was the same guy who told me he was instituting a schedule for me to be up and eat by certain times, or get spanked for each infraction every day. And don't get me wrong, I've been working on doing that because I know I should, and because I do get in trouble for it at his discretion. But the consistency thing for messing up lasted, what, one day? Two days tops?

So I saw this as simply a tactic Jay had decided to use to scare me, and really wanted to call his bluff. I know, I know, I ask for help on certain issues, he tries to help me, and this is how I respond. I can't figure me out either. And yes, I feel sorry for my husband having to deal with someone as stubborn as me, too.

Anyway, I knew if I actually said something about him bluffing, he'd feel bound to follow through on his word. So I wisely resisted the urge to tell him that I know he's shoveling something stinky, and did finish getting really ready to go (as my husband knows, my definition of being ready to go, and the reality of being truly ready to just walk out the door are two very different things-I tend to remember a bunch of stuff only at the last minute). But the point is, I didn't overly rush. I did toward the end, but as you probably guessed, my last-ditched efforts weren't good enough, and I was over a minute late. Oops.

***

So...as well as new rules I'm not hugely a fan of, I'm facing a paddling for the next ten days, right when he gets in the door. Now to some of you with an iron butt, ten swats may not be that big of a deal. But that mahogany wood paddle he made hurts! And I have a pain tolerance I think worse than my infant son (he was over crying about three shots within 30 seconds, whereas I've whined about a single hepatitis shot hurting for hours!). So for me, this is going to be quite difficult to take. Not to mention that I still get paddled additionally for whatever infractions I committed during the day right before bed.

Yup, over the next two weeks, I'm going to very sore, and very much on my best behavior (I hope!). And yes, I realize I fully earned this. I realize I have to get better about time management and procrastination. Not to mention about my stubbornness in challenging him, which was SO not a smart idea!

Right now, I have the fun task of getting myself in the frame of mind to submit to this spanking, and to his new stance on things. I've got less than an hour until he gets home, for Round #1. I'm not smiling right now, and I'm trying hard not to beat myself up for getting in this predicament. I'm praying that I can keep the right mindset, and actually learn something from this. And that's besides learning a new respect for him, in spite of myself, knowing that he's willing to follow through, and do whatever it takes. I do know it would change my life, if I could just learn to use time wisely.  So I'm willing to go through this. I'm tired of frustrating him, and I'm definitely tired of frustrating myself. This will help me become a better wife and mother, right? It's just that the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...

And I wish my stubbornness would let me take a different road to learn this! Arrrghhh!

Why I Bury Myself

"WHAT did you just say?" Jay asked me.

I wilted beneath his gaze. "Um, nothing important." Uh-oh.

"Nice try, but I heard you. I heard what you just said."  

Okay, you heard. So you're asking...why? I buried my head in my hands."It was an accident."

"No, if it was an accident, you wouldn't have said it low under your breath. You did that because you knew you would be in trouble if I heard it."

"That's why you weren't supposed to hear it." Oops. Why do I have to say everything that comes into my head?

He stared at me quizzically. Then, "Why are you burying yourself again?"

How am I supposed to answer that? "Because-" I thought hard.  Nope. Got nothin'. "Because I have to say it! If I don't, it will eat me alive-like a scarab beetle!"

My husband just shook his head. As for me, I wanted to bang my head against the wall. To be here. Again.

***

So Jay seems to think he has pinpointed my major problem, why I keep messing up. He informed me of this, right before he paddled me, for the who-knows-how-many day in a row. He says that I set myself up for failure from the beginning. I focus all my energy on getting through the day without getting in trouble once. But being who I am, sometimes that doesn't happen. Okay, most of the time it doesn't happen. The point is, when I mess up the first time, I give up, sometimes not even knowing I've given up. But it's there. The feeling. That it's over. Day ruined.

So you would think that if I'm in trouble already, I would be as sweet and obedient as possible for the rest of the day, so that 1) he may decide to be more lenient because of good behavior, and 2) to avoid getting in more trouble, right? I agree. I mean, I may not have scored highly on the logic portion of the GRE, but I'm not an idiot! I'm actually pretty intelligent. And it makes sense.

Yeah, tell that to my subconscious! Because I'm an expert gravedigger. Once I've messed up once, things go from bad, to worse, to you-don't-want-to-know horrible. And I don't stop at six feet either. I'm headed for the earth's core sometimes, with how badly I bury myself. And the thing is, I don't do it on purpose! Sometimes, it just seems like a waste to try when I've already failed. I'm mad at myself. Or I just figure I'm going to mess up anyway, so any further effort on my part is futile. And sometimes I'm aware of this. But often I don't even recognize it until later, if ever. It's a change Jay says he sees in me, whether I know it or not. That eagerness to succeed goes away, and a distancing begins. The "fine, I'm just not going to care" attitude surfaces. And he watches in total disbelief, and sometimes amusement) as I sink myself lower and lower.

So his point is that I have the wrong goal. Instead of focusing on getting through the day, and then crashing and burning with the first mess-up, I should focus on every situation as a new beginning, a new chance to do the right thing. Or maybe a chance to redeem myself. And he's right, to a point. I need to change my focus, and I'm working on doing that. But there's another part to all this, that in my opinion, makes things exponentially worse.

I rarely ever immediately get a clean slate when I mess up. Nope, I've got to wait until the end of the day. And in the meantime, I dig, dig, dig. I think a lot of it is that it drives me crazy waiting for a spanking. The anxiety literally eats me alive. I have a hard time focusing on anything, not mentioning keeping from tearing my hair out, and I'm seriously on edge. I want to snap at everyone, including my husband, which, newsflash to myself: isn't really that bright of an idea!

But a lot of times I feel out of control. I HATE it. In fact, sometimes the anxiety takes such a firm hold, the whole meaning behind why I'm getting spanked falls to the wayside, especially as situations add up. So then it feels like I'm getting spanked for nothing, that I have absolutely no deterrent to not end up here again. Which is frustrating, to say the least.

The good thing about it being tallied at the end of the day is that I get away with a lot. I have to say I like that part. If Jay counted up every single thing individually that I do wrong and spanked for each thing, I don't even know if I could handle it. I have a pain tolerance of, um, close to zero. But sometimes I wish he would just spank right after the offense, even if it means I'd get in trouble more! Because then my very hard head could at least equate that offense with an immediate consequence. And I think I'd get in trouble less in the long run. Not to mention being free of that crippling anxiety that comes from waiting. Actually, there are a few times where he's actually taken care of things immediately. And those things stick in my head. I remember them.

Of course, I've tried to explain all this. I've tried to explain the anxiety. I've tried to explain that I have the memory of a goldfish, and need a direct consequence in order for this to most benefit me. But Jay doesn't like being told how to do things. In fact, he has been known to do the exact opposite of what I want just because. "Topping from the bottom" doesn't work in our home, even without him knowing the term. Grrr!!  So I'm dealing.

The first reason, the reason Jay pointed out, as I said, I'm working on changing. It's tough, and I've far from figured out how to succeed at it yet. But the other thing, not going absolutely crazy when I'm in trouble, I honestly have no idea how to solve that one. So if anyone has any helpful ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Either that, or if someone could lend me something stronger than a shovel to dig myself out of this hole...

Who Gave Him the Manual?

All right, no more joking around, whoever gave Jay the official HOH manual needs to come out with your hands up....

Seriously, I don't know what happened. But lately Jay has developed a knack for this HOH thing, and while I admit there's a part of me that's proud of him, there's a part of me thinking about planning my escape! I've been spanked more these past few weeks, and (eek) I think he's actually beginning to enjoy it! Is he turning into a spanko? Ahhhhhhhh!

So where did my wishy-washy "I don't want to spank you" husband go? I'd really like to know! Jay doesn't read blogs or research. In fact, he hasn't even read my blog. So how is he learning all this stuff? Is there some kind of DD Fortress of Solitude where he goes to learn HOH-y things? I can't figure it out!

All I know is lately, I haven't been able to get away with anything! And yes, I'm not supposed to want to get away with anything (I know, I know, shut-up people!), but c'mon, a girl sometimes needs a break! Sometimes it's getting hard to even go a day without getting in trouble, often for multiple things!

Of course, when I ask for a break, he tells me to be good, and I'll get one! Well, that's a nice thought, but let's be honest here.... Anyway, I think I need a new tactic. Lingerie? Maybe, That's had a good track record, heh, heh, heh. I ordered some particularly racy items, so there's a possibility. But I don't know, with his new found iron resolve, I'm starting to doubt if even that will save my bottom.
 
"I've known you for eight years, Kay" he told me yesterday, "and I know every trick you've got. And none of them are going to work anymore!"  Dang it. Oh well. At least I'll look good during it.

So what do I do now?  Nope, not listening. I don't want to hear stuff about submission. I want a way to do what I want, and not get in trouble. And goody-two shoes out there, shut up. So anybody got a way? Anybody?

Oh, all right, ALL RIGHT! I hear you, stupid conscience, geez! I'll try to be good! I'll try it! I'll even start right now!

So...being good. Um, how does one do that? Really? Because it seems like I'm constantly on a collision course with trouble! Like I can't help myself! Yesterday, I didn't eat like I was supposed to. I didn't clean the kitchen like I was supposed to. And I sassed him. It may seem like it's easy to not get in trouble for the same things today (I'm supposed to learn something from a spanking, right?), but I assure you it's not easy at all! Especially with my tendency to get distracted by bright and shiny objects (Or a bright and shiny computer).

Dang it, I'm distracted right now. Blogging when I should be working. Arrgh! Guess I've got to go. Wish me and my still sore bottom luck! :)