Quick Update

"Kay, calm down, what's wrong?"

"I can't concentrate right now, and I only have two hours left, so there's no way I can do it all!"

"What have you been doing all day?"

"I don't know!"

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I don't know! Time just flew! I mean, yeah, maybe I was online reading and commenting on blogs, maybe talking to a few friends, maybe on the network for a teensy while, depending on the day, but not the whole time! Oh, and I'm still trying to figure out what to make for dinner too!"

"What?!"

Just in case you were thinking it, this is not a conversation with Jay. In fact, he doesn't know about these conversations (phew!). Which I confess have happened way more often than they should (No, NOT every night, shut up, HFM!). But yes, I've had pretty similar conversations with those friends of mine unfortunate enough to have to put up with me. Luckily, hee hee! I'm usually able to get my head on straight, and get my daily tasks done in what I call my "nightly mad dash." Sometimes I don't, and yeah, then I have to answer to Jay. Eek. But that's actually not the norm (to be in trouble for that, anyway!). Anyway, I have been warned by my well-meaning friends, that I better be careful, and that my procrastinating tendencies may indeed come back to bite me in the butt. Kind of literally.

So yeah, all of them might find a wee bit of irony in this post. So those who know I'm talking to you need to go away, or keep your laughing and "I told you so's" to a minimum. K, now that I got that out of the way...

These last few weeks have been pretty difficult. My husband's work schedule changed rather suddenly. He still works swing shift, but now he comes home two hours earlier.  This is actually pretty cool, I love having him home earlier. But what's not cool is about an hour before he gets home. When I realize that I misjudged time, and unlike before this, he'll be walking in the door as I start my mad dash. Can you say "ouch"? It's no longer like playing DD roulette, where I might get away with it, it's certain fate assured! Ugh! I asked him to give me maybe a week to adjust, but Mr. Meanie's response was that if I hadn't been so used to procrastinating, this wouldn't be an issue. So yeah, it's apparent he's pretty much figuring out the truth! And not happy about it! And according to him, I've been getting away with it too long. But he's remedying the situation. And as a result, I've been sleeping on my stomach a lot lately. 

So while I'm adjusting to this new schedule, I apologize I haven't been able to be around much. 'Cause nowadays if I do go on the LearningDD network or peruse Blogland, most times I might as well be handing him a paddle. For the most part, I'm determining it's just not a good idea, until I figure all this out. Learn to balance my schedule and all that. Oh, and before you give me grief about writing this post, he was working massive overtime tonight; I'm golden, at least for a few minutes ;)

But I do miss all of you, just to let you know. And hopefully I'll be able to figure this out soon, so I can get more efficient, be able to be online, and yet still not be in trouble for wasting time. Til then...

Wish me luck! Kinda need it. :)

Love Our Lurkers Day

Oops everybody, I totally didn't even realize it's Love our Lurkers Day. I don't have time to write a beautiful insightful post to all my lurkers (or I'll pay for it tonight, eek), but I really do want you to leave a comment if you read my blog and haven't commented. I appreciate you reading and want to tell you so! Furthermore, whether it's on my blog or another, I want to invite you to join this community by stepping out of those shadows! I remember that first scary step, but trust me, the camaraderie you get here is something that will change your life.

So c'mon, let me know you're here! I'm friendly, I promise! I dare ya... ;)

A (Educational) Week in the Life

So the Thursday before last I asked you guys for prayer. Here's what that week looked like now that I have the time to tell you:

Saturday: (the back story)
   "Kay, you want to come look at this floor?"
   No not really, since you asked... I stole a glance at Jay. That one brow raised in true HOH-y style. Dang. I followed him into our office/everything storage room. Yep, paper was strewn everywhere. It was clear our son had had a blast being where he wasn't supposed to be allowed. Oops.
   "This is unacceptable," my husband informed me.
   "Okay. I'm sorry he was in here, I'll clean it up right away!" I amended quickly, as submissively as I could muster.
   "Yes you will," Jay said. "But not just what's on the floor. Kay, you have no excuse for this room to look this way. And I'm tired of being patient, to see if you'll do it on your own. It's clear you need motivation. So I'm giving you til the end of the weekend to avoid a serious spanking."
    Eek! "What?!!"
   "I expect every paper put into a labeled folder and orderly placed in the filing cabinets I got you, that, look at that, are still empty! I expect every box emptied and and the objects put in a permanent place. And I don't want to see a single bin in here. I want all those gone."
   Well, bye submissiveness! Nice knowin' ya..."Wait, Jay! That's not fair! I need those bins, that's how I organize! Like for my keepsakes, that's how I keep them together. And the other stuff is important too, including some of yours! There's no where to put them!"
   "You heard me!" Ugh, hate that phrase! It's a clear sign to me that he's already made his decision and arguing is futile. Grrr! My husband continued, "I have full confidence in you that using all the shelves at your disposal that I put in there, and those organizing caddies, you will figure out a way."
   "But that's a LOT of work! I can't do it, Jay! That time frame is not even close to long enough." I could feel it taking over me. My stubbornness coping mechanism when I don't like something, when I don't think I can do it, and when I just want to quit, even before I begin. My man knows it well. "I might as well not try at all!" I muttered.
   Jay just sighed, grimaced, and met me head on. "Well, I guess you can just go down to the bedroom and drop your pants right now then. I was trying to be nice, and give you time to make it right, but if you don't want it, we'll just take care of things now."
   I stared, open-mouthed, not exactly liking this prospect.
   Jay mouth tipped, amused at the sudden change in my demeanor. "No? Okay then, let's review this. We moved in here almost six months ago. You had three months to get this house in order, and almost 6 months later there are still things in boxes and bins. That's unacceptable. I got you filing cabinets, I put in shelves, you no longer have any excuse. And still you haven't done it. You deserve to be punished now, and not a light spanking either. But I punished you for the bedroom already, so instead I'm giving you til the end of the weekend, because I'm nice, and I actually want to see you achieve this."
   "Okay, yes, you're nice, and yes, you're right," I conceded. "But Jay, I spent all last weekend working on stuff! It was so hard! Honey, can't you understand that I need the weekends to recharge? I need to spend time with you! Tomorrow you know I have to work, so today I just want to rest and be with my husband. And besides, this is such a huge task! I'll work really hard starting Monday, but can't I have til Friday night, please?"
   "Nope, Monday night maybe!"
   "Hon, I can't get it done by then!"
   "Well then, give me a better offer!"
   "Friday!"
   "Kay, I don't want the rest of the house to turn into a cesspool of disaster while you're working on this, which is exactly what we both know will happen, if you have 'til then. So I'd rather make sure you're getting it done during the first part of the week."
   "Well what if...I commit to maintaining the house all week in addition? Then will you give me til Friday night?"
   "Yeah I'll agree to that. But you need to understand what you are agreeing to: that while I don't expect the house to be spotless, I do expect it to be moderately maintained. I also expect our rules still to be followed: our son's bedtime, eating, dinner, all of it. And Kay, if I don't see that happening, then you know what to expect. I'm not bending on this or being lenient at all. So...you sure?"
  Gulp. "Yes! Deal!"

After he left to do other things, I looked around. It wasn't mainly cleaning, it was organizing. Something I really struggle with. It seemed like an impossible task. This room isn't just an office with papers galore that needed to be sorted through, it's an everything storage room. Home decor stuff I haven't been able to put up yet. Keepsakes, cards, craft stuff (I worked at a stamp and scrapbooking store one summer), books, pictures and more pictures...you name it. How was I ever going to get this done by even Friday? Could it even be done within a month? Ugh! 


Sunday: Worked and didn't get home til late, of course. We did listen to "Love and Respect" though, and discussed it, in preparation for the coming week. He said trying my best was a way of showing him that respect, but also love too. I told him to please give me lots of encouragement, as this was like asking him to write a thesis, and he needed to understand that. We both agreed to do our best for each other.


Monday: I started on this momentous task, really intending to do well. Monday night: Big Ouch. Don't you love when they know you've done one thing wrong, and while you're in position, they start grilling you about other things for the day? I focused on the office, and nothing else. I didn't eat almost the whole day, didn't get our son to bed on time, didn't get a few other things done he asked me to do. Oh, and I let my frustration get the best of me, so I'm sure I was there for attitude too. Ugh! But I did do my best on the office, even though it looked like a way bigger mess than before. So he gave me sweet encouragement about that, and reaffirmed to me that I could do it. He also didn't ground me from electronics, which he had warned me would happen if he didn't see progress. Phew!


Tuesday: Did better. At least on everything else. Except I failed to notice the time and let our son's bedtime slip by unnoticed. Big oops. That's a repeat offense. And the second day in a row. Eek. The office...well I succeeded in creating lots of piles. Or something, I'm not really sure. It honestly just looked like a gigantic mess by the end of the night.


Wednesday: Worked all day, and didn't get home til late. Of course, Jay expected nothing from me that day. It was a tough day anyway, and he was extra sweet. I tried to use the opportunity to gauge if maybe just maybe he'd be a little lenient come Friday night, but it didn't work. Dang.


Thursday: I looked around, and seriously just felt sick. Since I hadn't been there the day before, the kitchen was a mess. So I knew I needed to get that at least moderately in order. But the office...you might as well had told me to go swim the Pacific Ocean to China, for all the confidence that I had I could do it. I seriously just wanted to quit. Crawl into bed and forget about responsibilities. Or better yet, go immerse myself in an extra happy movie. Just not think about the obviously inevitable. After I talked to a friend who encouraged me, after seeing pics, that I could do it, that it wasn't an impossible quest (thank you, you!), I agreed to trudge on. Keep trying no matter what. But it was still hard. That's where you all came in, and sent your comments, and emails, and prayers. Thank you, really, I mean that. I got a lot done that night. More than I thought possible. And I actually ended the night pretty darn proud of myself and hopeful.


Friday: I confess I hit a snag. My husband decided to take the day off work. But said the deadline remained. Cue major attitude from me! If he's here, I want to be with him, spending time with him, not working on a stupid task! I admit it, I was extremely disrespectful, oh, numerous times. I was acting like a little kid. I didn't even want to work on that stupid office anymore, you know, just to make a statement. A friend tried to help me see the error of my ways, "R you CRAZY???????????????????????????????" I think was her exact phrase. But I didn't want to listen. I continued to work on organizing everything, but my disposition was not exactly sunniness and smiles. My efforts were half-hearted at best. Oh, and I think I did stop and watch a TV show. To say Jay was upset about my attitude was an understatement. Because he now has "Love and Respect" terminology to refer to, he explained how my actions were making him feel. Then he handled it. Yes, that way. It was quick, very to the point. And oh so effective. He also reiterated the importance of getting this done, so possibly we could go out that night, and get away for a few hours. How he wanted to be with his wife tonight. What that amounted to, though, was that he actually wanted me done earlier than the time he would have gotten off work, which was another reason I had had an attitude.
Had he gone to work, I would have had another over an hour and a half to finish. Of course, now that I had my head on straight, I could see that there was another way to handle the situation besides having an attitude and pouting. So since I'm big on justice and ever the negotiator, I went to him and explained my case. He listened. His response? "Well yeah, you can have that long, if you don't want to go anywhere!"
Okay, here's the dilemma of the century! Would I undergo a horrible ouchie punishment for a chance to go out to a movie with my husband? Or would I trudge on to make sure I went to bed snuggly and pain-free? Hmmm let me think...tough decision...(yes, just in case you didn't know, my words are dripping with sarcasm!).
A couple minutes to the time he wanted me done, I noticed there was no way I was going to make the deadline before he wanted us to leave. But I knew he really wanted to go to that movie, and I did too. So I when I came in to tell me my time was up, I offered another deal I knew he wouldn't want to pass up. I would stop immediately, we would go out and enjoy ourselves, and I would get an hour and a half on Saturday to finish. He agreed.
And we had a great time (mostly, anyway--yes you know who, that's for you, ha!). Well, the movie was not exactly my type. But it was still fun, definitely what we needed, just time with each other.


Saturday: Only like with one minute to spare before he came in, but I FINISHED!
   As he hugged me, Jay laughed, "See, told you you could do it! Now was that so hard?"
   "Umm...YES!" Geez...men!

Oh, and that night, I went to bed snuggly and pain-free. Yay!:)

And more than a week later, looking around, it's still organized, and everything has a place. It actually does feel good, I can admit it. Oh, I mentioned the week was educational, so I should probably tell you what I learned. 'Cause I also sort of need to review that for this week. Being that my current task is so daunting it makes the office look easy. It's something I've been avoiding on purpose (also should have been done six months ago), and not just because of possible spiders that might be lurking in that room. So here I go, again, my pep talk to myself: That I can do a lot more than I think I can.That even though it seems like an impossible task, I can't give up. That I can do it, and I just need to believe that..no matter what.

Okay, time to get back to work. ;)

Jay Answers PK's Meme

Hey everyone,

I do want to thank everyone for your prayers and encouragement, both in your comments and emails from the week before last. I need to tell you what happened, and I will, hopefully soon, I just need a brief space of time, which these days, seem few and far between (unless I want to trade writing a post for an "incompletion of task" spanking, which I get enough of without adding that reason to it, ugh! Adjusting is hard though, more on that later.

In the meantime, I'm late on answering the meme that has been going around, started by PK, I believe, so I thought I'd do that. Well, I gave the questions to Jay to answer, anyway. Trust me, you don't want to hear my answers. My life is boring. Like really, really boring. Like almost every answer would be "no". Jay on the other hand...let's just say he's an Aries. And he was a little wild before I came into his life. Just don't expect some of this stuff to be explained! Even I don't want to know some of it! ;)

So here we go, using only simple "yes" and "no" answers:

Taken a picture naked? Yes
Made money illegally? Yes
Had a one night stand? Yes
Been in a fist fight? Yes
Slept with your best friend? Yes
Had sex in a public place? Yes
Ditched work to have sex? Yes
Slept with a member of the same sex? No
Seen someone die? Yes
Ran from the police? Yes
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? Yes
Worn your partners unmentionables? Yes
Fallen asleep at work? Yes
Used toys in the bedroom? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Been fired? Yes
Been in a car accident? Yes
Pole danced or done a striptease? Yes
Loved someone you shouldn't? Yes
Sang karaoke? Yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed so hard you peed your pants?  No
Caught someone having sex? Yes
Kissed a perfect stranger? Yes
Shaved your partner? Yes
Given your private parts a nickname? Yes
Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a roof top? Yes
Played chicken? Yes
Mooned/flashed someone? Yes
Do you sleep naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? Yes
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? Yes
Shot a gun? Yes
Gone outside naked? Yes

Spreading the Word: Mick's New Blogsite!

Hey everyone, I'm just helping to spread the word that Mick's blog has a new home, yay! We bid a fond farewell to Husbandly Touch, and a warm welcome to Mick and Lynda's Place!

So make sure you go over and leave a happy welcoming comment! And like I've said before, if you're not following his blog, you'd greatly benefit from starting to. So here's your chance! Mick has a lot of wisdom, he has an amazingly candid style of writing, and who can't benefit from learning better that sometimes hard-to-decipher HOH-y perspective?

Welcome back, Mick! You've been greatly missed! :)

***

I'll try to write an actual update post soon, I promise. In the meantime, something I could use your help with. I have a deadline tomorrow night (like as in my poor posterior is on that line), and it's so overwhelming right now, it's taking all the maturity within me to not say it's impossible, give up, and go watch a movie, which of course was my old coping mechanism when I got this stressed. I'm continuing to try hard, really I am, but it's so tempting just to stop, say "Hakuna Matata" and accept my fate as inevitable. I'm tired, there seems no end in sight, and I can't seem to get the ability to hyperfocus that I need to figure out how to get this done. So please keep me in your prayers! Thank you!

Musings in the Midst

When you see this it means I'm through this ordeal, but as I scrawl this down on a scrap piece of paper, I'm heavily in the midst of it. And for the record, I would have rather taken the spanking every night rather than this! This is...hard.

I feel alone, cut off from all my friends. I can't get on my computer or phone for any reason and this just feels brutal. You would think it would motivate me to get this stuff done faster, but all it seems to be doing is leaving me floundering.

There's a part of me that's angry. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of obeying him after he did this to me! He took away my friends! Ugh! But...

There's also a part of me that knows that he's not being unfair, that's he's doing his job, no matter how much I hate it. 

DD is hard. There's no question about that. And it calls on you even to do what you know is right because you agreed to, regardless of what he will or won't do. I know some of you violate restriction and it ensues World War III. But for me, most likely if I text or call a few of my friends right now, I doubt it will be judged harshly, if anything beyond a lecture. For how hard this is, I definitely think it would be worth it! Note from now: Wow, was I wrong about what would have happened! I'm so glad I didn't test that theory! Geez! Anyway... Except that I've been learning some things in the past few days. Not just about myself, but about him. About the way he thinks. And it's given me some pause.


At the urging of a friend (thank you, you!), I decided to download the smartphone audio app of the book: Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, after getting Jay's consent to listen to it with me. This was a step out for him, done for my sake, since we've never done this before. But I explained to him that I needed to improve in this area, and that, based on what my friend had said, I thought, if we listened to it as a couple, this might actually help me, and could he please help me in this way? (gotta appeal to that "knight in shining armor" side of every guy, ya know?). We agreed to incorporate it into maintenance on Sunday nights, and yesterday (since I wrote this on Monday) was one of those nights. Jay actually let the app play for way longer than I thought he would and afterward added his own commentary of when he felt disrespected. He explained that he knew I respected him overall (I agreed to DD to prove it, after all), but that there were so many ways things I'd say did exactly what the author talked about. His specific examples were eye opening. But it was after the conversation faded into talking about other things though when I got my real lesson. 

Okay, I'm about to violate one of my key principles of things I never talk about, and go in a direction I never go on this blog. I purposely never tell you what goes on in our bedroom sexually for a reason, because, while it may be just fine for other couples, in our case, it's just not for Blogland to know this private part of us. But because this is that important, I feel like I should share it.

Sometimes as Jay and I, are laying in bed together, we will be talking about general things, and he'll grab my hand and have me stroke him. Gently, usually a prelude to other things, but not really going there yet, just more of an intimate thing. Well that night he did this, and as we continued to just discuss stuff, I (extra sweetly massaging) wheedled my way into asking if I could keep my phone. Amused that I was obviously using this intimate moment to elicit his sympathy (hey, it works sometimes, can you blame me?), he gave me an emphatic "no" and oh so patiently told me my efforts were wasted, that he had to stick with what he said. ALL of it, both restriction and that stupid bathbrush. And no computer either, whatsoever, no loopholes allowed (why'd he have to go there, grrr!). He reminded me that he loved me, but that a punishment was not supposed to be fun. He had given me Saturday as a freebie to get as much done as I could, and Sunday, since I had to work all day, he'd even given my phone back for the day, and said I didn't have to work on anything. But our deal was that tomorrow he expected me to work really hard on everything and get as far as possible. 

Well, miffed at his not wanting to budge, I muttered, poutily, "I guess I might as well not try at all, since I can't do this anyway. Apparently it doesn't even matter!"

At that moment, I felt my husband go completely limp, and it got extremely quiet. I quelled my attitude instantly, and tried to backpedal QUICK.

"Hon!" I said playfully, trying to lighten the situation, "What are ya going all limp for? Okay, I shouldn't have said that, I was frustrated, and I'm sorry, but geez, you don't have to react that way!"

"You know I don't control that, Kay," he finally said. "That's a physical thing. But that is a perfect illustration of what happens when I feel disrespected."

"But-but I wasn't disrespecting you!," I protested. "Maybe myself, yeah, but not you!"

"Kay," Jay turned his solemn blue eyes to mine, "when I make the decision to ask you to do something, and you respond that it doesn't matter and you might as well not try, you undermine my decision and undermine my authority. You're saying what I asked you to do, my opinion of what I think is important, isn't important enough to you for you to even attempt it. That you're going to continue to do your own thing out of your stubbornness, no matter how it makes me feel, when I'm trying to do the best I can, for us. This job isn't easy. But you not trusting in my judgment, makes it a lot harder. That is disrespect, and you just saw firsthand what it even does to me physically."

That opened up a conversation I will remember for awhile, where I gained a new awareness on what goes on inside his head when I say the things I say. And I got a real wake-up call that night.

I guess I never realized, how great an effect my words and attitude have on him, how for all of how very strong my man is, beneath the "I can do it all" exterior, how also fragile he can be. And that I too, hold his heart in my hands, to either nurture or to crush, the same as he holds mine.

I've seen it several times during these past few days though. That was just the latest thing. I'm learning things from his perspective. Almost every time I've tried to weasel out of a punishment (yeah, I know, I know!), his face has taken on a wearied look. It's pretty clear he hates this ordeal as much as I do.

The first night, I was shocked by how many times he told me that he loved me and he wanted to I make sure I remembered that. He seemed so reluctant and actually needing of my assurance, that I felt I had to put aside my own anxiousness about what I knew was coming, and reaffirm to him that I knew he was just doing what he had to do, that no matter what I portrayed with my attitude in coping with this whole thing, I didn't see him as the enemy. That I knew no matter what, I knew he was doing this for us. He was just following his role, and yes, I was the one that was not doing mine. All of this was hard to say, of course. It's hard to choke that pride down, but it's also what I knew Jay needed to hear. These past few days, I've been reminded how hard his job is, why it's so hard for him to not just give into my pleading and be lenient. Who wants to be the bad guy, especially with the person he loves most fighting him all the time? Who wants the responsibility to make the hard decisions of how to punish, when he has to deal with his wife's clever arguments (I'll toot my horn, I'm a pretty good persuader), her tears, and attitude, even anger, for only doing what his role dictates, for the good of our marriage and family?

Right now, as much as I want so badly for this to be over, I've clearly seen it's hard for him, to, no matter what, to stick to the decision he made, to not give back my precious phone and computer for the length of this, and also to spank tonight if everything's not done (it won't be, I hate to say, and he knows that, but made clear he still has to do what he said he would).

So in all of this: right now, tonight, and until this is over, he will do as his role dictates, and I will do as mine dictates. I'll honor what he has decided and not try to undermine it by disobeying or weaseling out of it. I'll try hard and stuff that tempting inclination to do the opposite, just because I want to not take this lying down (looking back, ironic line to write considering this dynamic, huh?).  I'll give him the respect he needs, and the respect he has earned by submitting to this, no matter how much I hate it. And I'll remember that we're both going through this together, it's hard for both of us, not just me. But we'll get through it, together, and yes, be better for it.

As I keep trying to remind myself, in both good times and bad, that's what DD--actually let's go ahead and use Stormy's term, I like it better--that what DH--is all about.

*       *       *

So anyway, that's what I wrote the other day, word for word, my pep talk to myself, inspiration to keep submitting even when I didn't want to, musings in the midst of it. I must have read those pieces of paper more than five times to try to keep my focus, when I wanted to quit during the day, sometimes out of discouragement, sometimes out of sheer rebellion; when I missed my friends most (yes I'm that pathetic, even those few days felt like forever!); and yeah. before the punishment spankings that I received to cement the message.Ugh!!

What can I say about those five days? Definitely...well, educational. In that it's a lesson I NEVER want to repeat! It's been a tough five days, some of the hardest I've had since I started this dynamic. And not just because of the spankings! My computer is one thing, but I live on my phone. Not having it made me feel like I was going crazy. Yeah, I'm oh so glad it's over, but the reason why I'm publishing this online is that I didn't want to lose the lessons that I learned in the midst of it. So I'm posting what I wrote during it both for me to remember in the future, when times can be hard, and maybe to help someone else out while I'm at it.

I also don't want to forget that side of Jay that I saw this week. I've actually rarely seen him as encouraging and tender as he was this past week, when I needed it most. Too often I forget this is a partnership. I forget, especially when I'm mad about being in trouble, that he's not the Big Bad Wolf, he's a vulnerable human being who's actually hurt by those actions that I choose to do in my selfishness. Okay, knowing my man, I bet he never wants to be thought of as vulnerable, even for my sake. But this week, it really did help to see it. It knocked me out of my "I hate that I'm in trouble mode" to consider what he also was going through. And seeing his response to that book was shocking for me. It opened up a side of him I hadn't seen before, and showed me there's still so much I need to learn about this stuff. Although I will say that learning what I'm learning helps me want to submit, helps me want to give him what he needs, rather than just have him take care of me, and my needs. I want to learn how to show respect, in ways he apparently has always craved, ways I admit I'm still striving to fully grasp.

And oh yeah, just so you know: our bedroom is now unpacked and organized, and will remain that way for a LONG while. And I'll be stepping it up getting the other things he wants done too.

At least, that's definitely the plan. Not just so I don't lose my phone and computer again though, or to avoid that stupid brush. I've got a new reason: it's another way to show the respect I'm learning to give him.


Just remind me of those great lofty words when next I get distracted and need to hear it, k? 

And no, helpful people, that doesn't mean in the next five minutes!



I'm pretty sure I can last ten...;)

 

Sorting Through the Present

So guess what? As of midnight yesterday, I finally achieved not getting in trouble for seven days! Yay me! Yes, feel free to offer your hearty congratulations...


All right, okay, there's too many of you that know what's been going on who will no doubt rain on my parade with all those pesky words of truth and conviction that I may as well tell you. I've been out of town on a trip since the Tuesday before last, and Jay has been back home since early Sunday morning. I'm actually writing this post while flying home. By that I mean I'm scribbling stuff down on paper and my phone's notepad, to be transcribed upon landing. Lots of things are going through my head right now. It's been quite the trip. And though I miss my husband like crazy, I'm not exactly looking forward to returning home. Especially with what's waiting for me...ugh!


Yes I was away from home in a resort type city, it was far from a vacation. I have family there, and this was for a wedding. Before I left was stress and more stress. I was nervous about going, because this was the first extended family event since my dad's funeral, and I knew it would be hard for me. I've never been around my extended family without my dad. And everything in this city reminds me of him, so much that its hard to separate the two in my head. And then there's the reality that his death rocked our formerly close family clan so much, that nothing's the same anymore.


I knew I would need support, so I begged Jay to be there with me for a few days, and seeing how much I needed it, and being the sweet guy he is, he of course got a few days off work and agreed to go. Yes, feel free to utter a heartfelt, "Awww!"; he definitely deserves it! Oh and did I forget to mention that this wedding could not have come at much worse of a time, and after forking over up front a whole lot to pass the FHA-required inspection for our house, and me not getting paid yet for the gigs I've worked, we took this trip totally broke? Yes quite an adventure, going to a place like this with practically nothing!


Anyway, I don't know what possessed me to say yes to my bro on this issue rather than the much simpler way of flying, but I agreed to drive down with him and his wife. Two full days in a car with my toddler son and my bro and sis-in-law who I love but can quickly drive me to insanity (think Sheldon in "The Big Bang Theory", I'm not exaggerating, it's eerie, some of the similarities! Evenso, both my child and I got through those two days swimmingly (I was so proud of my son!), and Jay meanwhile took a flight and met us there.
It was awesome to have him there, especially after our long travel ordeal, and great to be with him where I was safe and didn't have to worry about pesky rules and DD, yeah!


Wait, what's that? You're interrupting my story to ask me what? If I've been drinking coppertone? If maybe the hot sun addled my brain? If that long car ride maybe really did make me certifiably insane? I don't know! I do know that the night ended with me bent over the bed experiencing swats with his belt and listening to a lecture that I'm never "safe" just because we're on a trip, and I'd better stow away that attitude immediately. For later? Nah I won't go there...


He also let me know that he was extremely unhappy with the state of the room after I left.  Yes, I had been searching through everything for several things I wanted to bring, and may have left an eensy weensy mess. That was probably my small part of it. But the tremendous damage he was referring to must have been the aftermath of some random tornado that touched down only at our house and then went elsewhere. An unusual cosmic phenomenon to be sure, I can understand how such an unusual explanation was overlooked! Still though, I'm pretty sure that's what happened. Yep, that's the story I'm sticking with...Well of course, my meanie husband just doesn't see it that way. And wants to start my homecoming with a very BAD punishment he says will guarantee to get my attention, followed with more the rest of this weekend. So I've had that hanging over my head all week.



Oh and while my husband was still in town, we met another couple who happened to live there, Lily from Blogland and her husband. Hmmm, what's the word for that visit...maybe interesting? At first it was great. The two guys talked about work and general guy subjects, you know, shop stuff, which was just fine with me. Her husband did say something with a reference to DD, but it went whoosh! over my husband's head, which me and Lily thought was hilarious. And then conversation stayed in neutral territory.



Until...



They started talking shop. Yeah, that kind. Like it started out with talking about things that drove them crazy like how much we were on the network, and in blogland, or on the phone or computer, which they discovered they had in common. And other stuff like housework and listening...it was getting time to leave, but they weren't budging. Unlike Lily, I'm not a spanko! Why did I agree to this meeting anyway? Geez! Finally the conversation meandered back to neutral territory. which was good. For a brief time. But then somehow the HOH's steered the conversation back, and OMG, talk about mortifying! It became a "you know what I use" conversation, and I seriously wished I could have sunken into the floor. They discussed materials even! Ugh! Note to spanknos everywhere: be VERY careful with the whole two HOH's getting together! Just because it's said that an HOH might have lost his consistency and might be even considered harmless, doesn't mean all that might not come rushing back in seconds when in a DD conversation with another guy! Grrr! Okay, but other than that, I'll say it was fun to meet them. Although the consequences for my future might be still to be seen, the jury's still out!



The time with my extended family was good. Hard, emotional, but very good. And they loved my son, which was great. After Jay flew back we stayed with my favorite aunt, who is almost bedridden by now because of a debilitating condition and has been struggling with depression over it. But she laughed until she cried all week long over my son's antics. Especially with his famous "uh oh's," his considerate warning to everyone that he's about to cause mischief. So yeah, I think it was good for all involved.



And even though I had no money while I was there (hey, guess what I just found out, I got paid today, figures!),and even though it was so different from any family reunion I've experienced, it was a welcome rest. No father-in-law to deal with, no housework, I got to show my near perfect child off, it was great. And I'm not exactly excited to return to reality.



I'm now returning to the world of rules and accountability. And housework, ugh! Not to mention my husband's disapproval. Tonight, after my husband gets home, is going to be VERY hard to get through. I've been told for a week how bad it's going to be. And how it's going to repeat every twenty-four hours until I get that room spotless. Yeah I know, just get it done, right? It's actually not that simple. There's still a lot of things that are still in bags and stuff from moving. It will take days even working hard. Not to mention, I've got to dive into this immediately! No recovery time from the flight home. No enjoying the weekend and the time when my husband is home. No gradually adjusting back to my responsibilities, and gently slipping back into our agreed upon roles. Just bam! Back to, how did our friend Stormy put it? Oh yeah, TFTWD. I've been gone only a little over a week, and the last thing I want to do is submit! I might even want to rebel, you know, not give him the satisfaction, we'll see if I'm that brave. A long ways til I can get myself back in that whole mindset? Oh baby, yeah. I don't have a death wish, honest! Maybe pray for me?



Okay so it's been hours later since I wrote the above, and I'm home. After greeting my husband, I went into the bedroom to view what was making him so upset, and honestly felt like I was going to be sick. I don't know how it got that bad. I don't think I was thinking straight when I was leaving, not that that's an excuse. But I will tell you all my weaseling thoughts vanished, looking around. He's justified in saying that our bedroom, our sanctuary can't look like that, even when I can't find something. I've not been fair to him. And that he's been more than patient waiting for me to get that closet in order and all those bags and boxes figured out. I know that, and as much as I hate it, I know he's doing his job, I agree. Sigh. Although...knowing I deserve a punishment doesn't make it that that much easier to get through. And aside from the fact that I'm not going to be likely sitting down for awhile, I'm not even sure how long it's going to take me to find everything an appropriate home. Even with him grounding me, which he also did. I do know I need to stop writing and get on this. Like now, well, after these final few words. I'm not even proofreading this thing or even reading it over. Just getting it out, so you know what's happening. Even though he has yet to spell it out, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be allowed on the computer again for awhile.



But this is good, right? No more shoving things I'd rather not deal with in the closet. And I guess I'm not just referring to the clothes in my bedroom. That's this dynamic. And in more than the short run, it will be better for the both of us.



When I get through it. UGH!!



Maybe pray for me?

A Little Bit of Venting

Right now I'm hiding in our office. A lot of these days I'm alright, but sometimes I struggle. I didn't even want to blog about this for awhile, I wasn't sure I knew how.

My father-in-law is now living with us. As in not visiting, as in moved in. This is a guy I have a history with, and it isn't a good one. Most of the time I've been around him has been absolutely miserable. While we lived with him in Texas, I spent almost every day being told how stupid I was and being deliberately antagonized, because he found it amusing. He doesn't drink anymore, so that's a plus, since when he drank was when he did that the most. Last time he lived with us was shortly after my dad died. He was civil, for the most part, but it was so apparent that he didn't like me. I spent a lot of the time in tears, in trouble from lashing out, and altogether miserable. I did everything I could to help him, wrote him up a resume (he thought it was horrible until the Work Source place said that I should come work for them I did such a good job, lol). Then I finally helped him find a place. Everything I did got turned back on me. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess. Especially when someone thinks all women are "crazy and liars"by default.

I know what he found wrong with me though, besides that I'm a woman. Before six months ago, I didn't cook. I really didn't know how, nor did I believe I could. I'm emotional, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. He believes in toughness, he's from a rough crowd. And oh yeah. He thinks that Jay is accountable to me. Ha! He thinks that I try to turn Jay against him, and because of that, he gets screwed over, when we made a decision together or oftentimes, had no control over something. Somehow it often gets twisted around to be my fault. With his family, it's much easier for them to blame the Yankee outsider and logic doesn't necessarily figure into the picture. Ironic? Yes, because when Jay was little, this guy let his wife control him and Jay, after being beat up by his alcoholic dad for years, spent his teens in group homes and on the streets as a result. Ironic also, because I'm the reason Jay is no longer on the streets, and his dad knows that. But whatever.

Coming back to now. I promised myself that never again would I allow him to stay with us. Not after everything. BUT...well, my family is a little different than Jay's. We place a lot of value on never turning our back on family NO MATTER WHAT. Besides which, God gave us this house, and we dedicated it to him. And then there's the truth that we're the only picture of Christ this guy will ever see...

So when things got desperate and he had no place to go, Jay and I both agreed that we should step in and help. It's not like anyone else would, we were it. Yes it would have been poetic justice to throw him out on the streets like he threw his son out at the age of twelve, but I can't do that, and Jay can't either. So here he is. We were expecting more time though. Jay is planning on making an apartment for him in the garage, but I know to be realistic, even with Jay's talent, that's going to take a long while. So here he is: here. every. second. of. the. day. Jay has encouraged me to see him as "the least of these" that Jesus talked about helping in Matthew 25:40, and I'm trying to. Or as someone mentally ill that can't be any different also helps. A little.

The good: He's different now. He's trying really hard to be nice, and not say stuff he knows is going to rile me up. He's great with little J, actually surprisingly so. Apparently he's learned a LOT since he had kids and just stuck them naked and diaperless on newspaper. Now, he's attentive and protective. He absolutely loves our son, and it's hard to miss. He actually did say last time that it's the one thing I did well was to have him. So yeah, after a lot of skepticism, I can say he's actually earned my trust in that area. The guy is also incredibly generous with material things and with his time. He's trying hard to help out around the yard, and he's done an amazing amount since he's gotten here. He shares whatever he can, in terms of food and anything else. He actually shocks me at times with his generosity. It's not just that he's trying to contribute, you can tell it's just a part of who he is. Also I think he may like me more, since I cook now and because I have such an amazing son. I don't know, I hope he does. I shouldn't care what he thinks, but I do.

The hard part for me: I always feel like I'm under a ton of pressure. To be what will not cause dissension, to guard my emotions when I'm upset, to keep everything picked up and cook stuff he'll like, anything to keep the situation from returning to what it was before. I know what people will say, that I shouldn't be trying so hard, that I'm putting pressure on myself. But I can't go back to how things were, I just can't. And so I'm tiptoeing around, and sometimes I'm not sure how long I can continue to do this. Jay has told me many times that his father is who he is, he can't understand any different, and I should just not care. But how do I not care? And so right now, I'm dealing. And making all of this toughest of all, is that this is a long-term situation. When he's out in the apartment in the garage we'll have more privacy, but then it means it will be permanent for sure. And it's hard to accept that, no matter how better things have gotten. Like I said, some days I'm good with it. And some days, I just want to get away.

On the bright side, this time around has been a whole lot better not just because of how my father-in-law has been acting, but also because of Jay's attentiveness. I'm actually proud of him, how he's handling this situation has shown how much he's grown. He knows how hard all of this is for me, so he's been extra sweet and extra cherishing. And it's meant the world to me. With that, he's been extra consistent and while I'm not, I admit, appreciative all the time for it, at least I know he's not resentful or holding in frustration like previous times, and that means it's actually a relief for me, knowing where I stand all the time. So yeah, falling in the not-something-I-always-want-but-when-I-am-honest-enough-to-admit-it-realize-I-need-it category (will someone remind me about that wise perspective later tonight?).

And for the most part, I'm proud of myself too. I have to say, that for the most part I've handled all this pretty well. I'm not acting out as much, partially yes, because my value my ability to sit down, but still. The first few weeks were difficult, but I'm adjusting especially in not taking my frustration out on Jay and watching my attitude. Not that I haven't been in trouble, but I have behaved a whole lot better this time around than I ever have in this situation. I'm just not sure sometimes how to keep it up. I'm trying to keep perspective. Focus on the good. Keep my attitude respectful and behave when every fiber in me is screaming from stress, and I'd rather give in to what I'm feeling. But it's not always easy. Like today. 

Tonight is maintenance. I'm struggling, because I'm not sure what to tell my husband about how I'm feeling. I'm probably getting more than maintenance anyway. And in addition, he's going to want to know why I've been holed up in the office for half the day. I need him tonight. But I can't explain what I need from him. Being held and reassurance maybe, but reassurance of what? He can't change anything, we're going to be dealing with this for a long time. UGH! Yep, some days I feel strong enough to deal with all this. Just today I'm not quite there.

I'm holding out hope that I'll have a better perspective tomorrow though. :)

Well That's How!

So if you didn't see my last post, it was pretty despondent, I'll admit. I was feeling completely defeated, and any ability to keep these stupid coping mechanisms from happening seemed out of my control and impossible. 

Jay doesn't like when I give up and just say, "I can't." He no longer allows it. He makes me take responsibility even when I don't want to, and in whatever method he has to use to get the message across,  realize I have more power than I think I do. And he made that message very clear that night. So yeah, things are much better now. My defeatist attitude is gone. Gotta love DD, ya know?

But hate it too, though! Holy fweaseldom. That night was hard. Capitalize that. HARD. Yeah, that's more accurate. Hard emotionally and definitely hard physically.

Jay was loving and calm. He was sweet and encouraging, and let me know how hard he knows things have been for me. But he was also oh so firm. He emphasized that my defense mechanisms need to stop and immediately. Yeah, ouch. I thought maybe he might back down. But he didn't. He was intent on impressing upon me the seriousness of my actions. And impress he did. He did not do the triple he said, because I had to work this morning. But he did do the number I was supposed to have before, and didn't stop until he administered all of them. No pleading mournful eyes worked this time to stop it. (I know, I know, I'm not supposed to do that, I know!). And this time he used that evil implement, just as he had said. The one he'd only discovered a few days ago. Which I may or may not tell you about, since it's a story that makes me shudder to even tell about it. I mean it clearly fits under the horror genre. You know, a cover-your-eyes, "Don't go into that dark place!" kind of story. Okay, otherwise known as another "Kay's not so brilliant sayings and the horrible outcome". Something I'd get a lot of smack for, because yeah, it also falls under the pretty dumb category. Hmmm....you know, on second thought, it's a boring story. Not interesting at all...let's move on...

Where was I? Oh yeah, Jay changing my perspective. That night was agony for me to get through. It was humbling and eye opening. It involved lots of tears. But...what a relief to have harmony again! It's back to DH now, in Stormy's words. Like it should be. There's no more tension between us. No more wondering if maybe he's resentful. I love DD when it's DH.

I'm not wondering if I can behave anymore either. I don't see a choice really! Desperation can give you great strength, ya know? Like not wanting him to use that method of problem solving again! And well, it's quite the motivation to stay out of trouble! You see, his not tripling my punishment came with a price (his compromises always do!). I get one warning a day. If he sees attitude after that, such as what I've been giving him this past week, it's back for another session like last night. Eeeeeeek! But then, just so he fully communicates the message he wants to send, he plans to use a little bit of cap cream as well. Like he plans to go to the store and buy the real stuff. Versus the watered down menthol one we have that he got by accident, hee hee. It was nice while it lasted... Anyway, the whole idea makes me shudder. He's dead serious, and I'm not going to dare test him on this one. Ugh! By the way, did I mention how much I hate DD?

So that's where things stand now. Him, encouraging but HOH-y, my protector even from myself. His love intact to see me through this stress. Me, polishing my halo furiously.

And back to both loving it and hating it. :)

Somehow

Disclaimer: This is a "processing" post. What is expressed here is working through thoughts at the height of emotion, and may not represent what's actually happening. Nor should it be taken as representative of Kay's normal thoughts or what goes on in Kay's marriage on a daily basis. So don't read this post unless you can read it and understand it within that context, got it? Nor should you expect this post to flow beautifully or have any point...

This is a very different post than the one I started writing last night. But I have to work through this, so I decided I'd be nice and drag you all along with me. I'm confused, I don't know what to think, I'm discouraged, I'm overwhelmed. And I feel like I just can't do anything right right now. And somehow I've got to change that thinking. Somehow.

I avoided being in trouble last night, although I had earned it. But I dragged my feet in getting to bed, not wanting to face it. It ended up working well, because Jay was tired, and just decided to go to sleep. Fast forward to this morning, where I tried to negotiate a clean slate provisional on good behavior so I wouldn't have anything hanging over my head. He wasn't in a bargaining mood, and even less because I had brought our son down with me, which he saw as a manipulation tactic to avoid him spanking me. Oops, he may have been more than partly right on that, although I realize that in hindsight, not because I set out to do that.

Furthermore, Jay made it very clear he wanted our son upstairs, and me downstairs. His voice was agitated, and stern. I did what he said. Well, that part. There were apparently little things. Like he told me to lay over the covers, and I pulled the covers back. Then I tried to inject humor into the situation, lighten the mood a little, to ease my nervousness, and apparently it was bad timing. Yeah, not smart, apparently. Jay responded with complete frustration, that I wasn't listening to him, I was disregarding him, like I'd been doing the whole week. There was such agitation in his voice that it made me uneasy. He sounded cold and even uncaring. Not because he said anything bad, but because that support and gentleness that I'm accustomed to getting from him wasn't there. He sounded like I was a burden, he sounded like he was resentful.

I know I messed up this week. I've had a really hard time. My nerves are stretched really taut, I feel tremendous amounts of pressure, and right now, as unfair as it is, and as much as I try not to, often he's my safe place to direct my frustration. The slightest thing and I've lashed out. I've been defensive, derisive, and yeah, defiant. The more I've tried to stop, the more these unhealthy defense mechanisms to defend my pride and handle my insecurity have kicked in. It feels like I can't control it. My husband's been home all week on vacation and because of me, I don't think it's been much of a vacation for him. And it's not even his fault. He's actually trying. He's been gentle and supportive. He knows how much his dad here all the time is starting to get to me. He's helped out with our teething child. He's given me leeway in some things because he knows things are hard for me right now.

But mornings are bad, and I know he doesn't always think clearly then. Combined with hearing how upset he was with me, and what sounded like a buildup of resentment. Normally I do submit to a punishment. I don't usually fight him. I'm in awe of some of you, who can just take it the whole time, without moving once. Wish that had that kind of self-discipline, but I've got a ways to go in that department. I will move and pause it by moving, because it's hard to take. I'm not trying to defy him, it's like my body has a mind of its own sometimes, and I instinctually roll over or out of the way. When you're lying on a bed, which is how I get punishments most often, it's hard not to sometimes. And then I get back in position to take some more, as I've agreed to do. That getting back into position, though, is really hard for me. It's incredibly humbling, too. And every great once in awhile, when my emotions are in massive turmoil, I can't get my body to do it. Especially when I know we've only just started and I've got a long ways to go. I'll even start to get in position, and my body recoils out of it.

At times like these, I beg him for some reassurance. "Remind me why we do this!" "Tell me I can do this!" "Tell me you love me!" Anything to help, to give me that strength to submit. He usually does, and we continue. This time he didn't though. He had that "let's get this over with" attitude. Not mean, but a definitely cold "you earned every bit of this, and you are going to take it NOW" type of attitude. He was upset and I could see it. He reminded me I still wasn't listening to him about rolling over...as I never listen to him? Really? It made me feel defeated. And honestly I felt paralyzed. I tried to will myself to do what I was supposed to do, but I just didn't think I could. Meanwhile it was obvious he wanted me to get the message that this was his show. No delays. No making this what I wanted. And then he laid down the ultimatum. I either get in position immediately, and take the full hard amount, or we'd do it tonight, and the number would be tripled, and the implement would be worse, with a new implement he just started using, that I particularly hate.  It should have made me jump to do what he asked, but I don't think I was thinking rationally.

I responded by asking for 15 minutes to get into a better mindset. He responded by saying I had ten seconds, and counting down. Which I swear, just made me lose my wits. I couldn't move. He hit zero. Then he got up. "Okay,' he said, "guess you chose what you wanted."

So that was it. He gave me a warning later on to stop avoiding him, and told me that he loved me. Also a warning not to try to weasel out of it, that he has to be consistent. Uh huh, great.

Tonight is not going to be easy. And I have until then to get into the place where I can somehow take it. Right now, it's just HARD. I doubt he'll do as many as he said. I'm not truly afraid of the spanking, although I know it will be hard to take, and I can't think about it for too long. I hate things hanging over my head. But also I hate the disharmony between us. I hate that I am not doing my part in submitting to him. I hate that I hurt him so badly, and I fear him being resentful like he used to be. Even when he assures me he's not, I'm not so sure. And I wouldn't blame him if he was! I don't understand how I can love someone so much, and yet act so badly. It feels like the more I try to get my emotions under control and not be ruled by them, the more I fail. Especially right now, I feel like a failure, like there's nothing I can do right. And I can't show any emotion of what I'm feeling around his dad, which for some reason makes it harder, especially since he's always around. Put on a happy face! Yeah, I'm not good at hiding my emotions. But I somehow have to. Just like I somehow have to find my ability to listen, obey instantly when it's automatic to take the scenic route, and keep my mouth shut when it's a wise idea.

Somehow.

Am I Perfect Yet?

This entry should have been posted on Thursday, which was my two-year anniversary doing DD. But that day I was informed in no uncertain terms that if I wrote a blog entry when I was supposed to be cleaning the house and getting ready for a small family trip that occurred this past weekend, he'd make sure the six plus hours of sitting in the car on Friday would be decidedly uncomfortable. So I decided getting this published on the day of wasn't worth that. Then of course, it wasn't done Friday or over the weekend because I was with family, and yesterday, well, let's just say I was having a "Down with DD" Day and didn't want any reminders about DD (shut up, I know!). So anyway, that brings us to today, when, yay, I can finally post this.

So yeah, we have now been doing this dynamic for two years. We are in fact into our third year. Wow!

I do admit I have mixed feelings though. You see, unlike other couples who are committed to DD until they are old and grey and balancing implements with walkers, I really truly thought by the end of year two we might not need it. I mean, I should be perfect by then, right? Before my son gets old enough to know what's happening and I have to figure out that whole mess of silent implements that tend to be way more ouchie and and how to hide all this from him!

Now, of course I realize that that dream of a temporary thing is so far from reality it's laughable. It's not just because of me, either. Jay needs this too, for the benefits it gives him, and our relationship needs this. Still, it can get hard at times, ya know? Especially when I see myself backslide like I did yesterday, for instance.

And, well, especially around an anniversary like this one, when as someone who's been doing this for awhile, it's easy to look at others who don't get in trouble hardly at all, who are even able to do month-long challenges, or longer, or geez, even just a week, and wonder what's wrong with me that I still get in trouble so much. Maybe I'm just TOO rebellious, maybe I'm not cut out for DD, and it's just not effective for people who find it as hard to submit as I do?

I have to admit, it's easy to think that way. I especially felt that way on Thursday, which wasn't good. And on my list of posts to write, is an important one on why comparing in this dynamic can be so dangerous, that's just as much for me as anyone else. All I'll say for right now is that it's an easy trap to fall into, and right now I'm trying to process so I avoid staying there and letting it influence my thinking.

So in order to get my focus on where it should be, it helps to go back to the beginning, to see why I started this lifestyle and what my original goals were for taking this kind of plunge. Most of you that know me well know that certain blogs convinced me to try this lifestyle temporarily, and the single one that influenced me the most was "Husbandly Touch". Now I know I'm pretty much preaching to the choir about how good Mick's blog is, but if, say, maybe you've been living under a rock, or you're new or are limited in how much you can be a part of Blogland, Husbandly Touch is an incredible blog written from the HOH perspective (well, incredible with the exception of if he has a rule idea on there you don't want your husband to see, so wives out there, be careful! ;). Specifically, what was cool for me is that I got to read about someone (Mick's wife, Lynda) who has struggled with so many of the same issues that I always have, and yet, through DD, found a way to rise above all that. I remember reading about the sheer frustration Mick so candidly shared as he and his wife tried to figure this out, frustration I understood oh so well. And surprise as I read about what he found worked. Kind of scary, definitely not conventional, but well, by that time, we'd tried everything. and I was desperate to try anything else that might help. I remember thinking, well, if she could do it, then why couldn't I? Yes, it would involve a lot of spankings and swallowing my pride, but wasn't I ready to try ANYTHING at this point? It became the deciding factor for me trying this dynamic. As scary as it seemed at the time, it allowed me to hope, rather than giving up in despair that I'm just going to fail so why try. And the thought that things could get better made the plunge into this lifestyle worth it.

I'm actually glad I wasn't allowed to write this post on my actual anniversary day, because I wasn't ready to write this post then. This past weekend, in between being with my family, I went back to the very beginning (sometimes it's good to do that with blogs, by the way, you'll learn a lot) and reread those old posts that affected me so much, that convinced me DD could work. I thought about where I was at the the time and how helpless I felt. And I looked at where I am now.

Before, our house was an absolute disaster, and so was I. I don't think I ever expressed on this blog how bad it really was. Too embarrassed. But now I can admit it. So many days, I wouldn't even get dressed into way later, or even at all. I'd get overwhelmed so easily and go back to bed to escape it all or watch TV all day. Jay would vacillate in between helplessness and resentment. I was also late to everything, which drove my always-early husband crazy. And I'd forget to eat a lot, which meant I was sick a lot. Like I said, a mess.

The house was awful. Dirty dishes growing scientific experiments. Mountains of laundry. The kitchen table looking like an altar to the god of all clutter. And too overwhelmed to do anything about it. Too tired of trying different medications and it not working. Lots of yelling, "I can't!" tears from me, followed by stonewalling from him, as he struggled to bury his anger and frustration. And oh yeah. I should mention back then, I wouldn't step foot into a kitchen unless it was to microwave something. It didn't matter that my husband was from a culture where women cook. He knew not to expect it from me. EVER. So up until a brief time ago, I hadn't even made spaghetti. And the sad thing is, it wasn't that I didn't want to (well I hate it, yes, but I still wanted to occasionally just to make him happy). It was much more that I felt I couldn't. And it wasn't worth the effort just to fail. So...much easier just not to care. And I didn't...mostly.

Now, two years later, things are very different. Though not the picture of perfection, the house is pretty much in order. As I am writing this, the kitchen is clean. So is the living room. Our bedroom needs some work, but I'll get that done. Clothes are clean, and in drawers or hung up, rather than in dirty piles all over the floor. In fact, you can even see the floor now, what a concept! I'm not late to everything anymore. I now not only step into the kitchen, but I also prepare dinner on a nightly basis. And the resentment that used to characterize our relationship is gone. My self-esteem and confidence in my abilities is monumentally higher than it used to be.

On the other hand, yes, for my part, I still have some growing to do. I hate it, but I still get in trouble a lot. Lots of rules means lots of chances to break them. And lots of chances to choose not to do them when I don't feel like it? Some people may not understand this, but yes, we have a ton of rules, mainly getting stuff done by certain times or on a daily basis, because I need those rules to keep me going straight. This is what we have found works for us. And what still has to be in place, even two years later, as much as I hate it sometimes. I don't think the majority of people should do the micromanaging Jay does, and even he struggles with being consistent, doing it when he'd rather I just figure it out on my own. But we both acknowledge that at this point, I need it. That without it in our relationship, there would be no point to us doing DD. It would be absolutely ineffective. Been there, tried that. Several times. I backslide just a teensy bit when temptations call. And backslide some more if I got away with that. I even take a trip to yesteryear now and again. Like, um, yesterday.Yesterday was one of those days where I acted like I always had pre-DD (I know, I know!), and yes, I got the message that wasn't a brilliant idea (ow, still feeling that um, loving, message). So yeah, today I can say I'm back on track.

Going back to the perfection thing (or even just the staying-out-of-trouble-for-any-length-of-time thing). I'm not even close. I'm not even in the role model category. In fact, maybe the opposite. I've got a ways to go, as does Jay. I can focus on that and feel discouraged. Or I can focus on the near miraculous progress I have made, that Jay and I have made together, even, since we've had this in our lives. And instead of being overwhelmed, be proud. Even confident in what the future holds.

And ready to make Year Three a good one.

Maybe I'll be perfect by then? ;)

Five Minutes To Seduction

"Oh no!" my friend said, interrupting our phone conversation, rather suddenly, "it's been more than five minutes! You better go!"

I laughed at the urgency in her voice. Yes, Jay had given me permission only to talk for that long, and then I was to come downstairs to take a shower and go to bed. But c'mon, this was Jay we were talking about, not her ultra consistent husband! "Don't worry, I'm sure he didn't actually mean five minutes," I assured her, trying to steer the conversation back to what we were talking about.

"Kay, you better go. I don't want you to get in trouble!"

"I won't! Don't worry so much! Everything will be fine, I'm sure of it! Anyway--"

"Kay," my oh so wise friend chided, "you are such an amnesiac! You don't think about being in trouble until you're actually hearing him say, "roll over!"

Okay she's got me there. "True," I admitted. "But this time I'm pretty sure I'm in the clear, it's okay! Jay's in the bathroom, he's busy! Maybe sometimes yeah. But with this situation, I'm pretty sure--"

And then I heard it. That little sound letting me know my call waiting was still working fantastically. Any guesses as to who was on the other line? Yeah, you guessed it, you smart people!

"Uh oh, speaking of," I groaned, "hang on..."

"Hi Honey!" I greeted, as sweetly as I could.

"And you are WHERE?" Jay's voice was stern and HOH-y. Ut oh.

"Um--"

"Are you still on the phone?"

I thought for a second. Technically I wasn't, my friend had clicked off. But I resisted the temptation to use the loophole. "I was," I admitted.

"Why?"

"Well, I knew you were in the bathroom, and I thought I had more time!"

"Uh huh," he answered thoughtfully, meaningfully. And what did I say, Kay? I said five minutes, didn't I?"

"Yes." I answered quietly.

"Come downstairs NOW and get in the shower," he told me, leaving no room for debate.

I immediately did as I was told. While I was getting undressed though I couldn't help complaining that I was already sore a little from a previous discipline I'd gotten not that long before. Maybe I was playing on his sympathies a little? Yeah, I know, I know. But it works...sometimes!

"I'm sorry Sweetie," he started out tenderly, "that you're hurting! Considering that afterwards, you're going to be hurting a lot more!" Okay so it didn't work that time, grrrr...

"But-but-but Jay! I can't take a spanking after a shower!" As everyone knows, Shower + Spanking = VERY Ouchie! Ugh!

"But I said five minutes, and I meant it. And you stayed on longer, didn't you? Totally disregarded what I said?"

"Yes! I mean No! I mean--" I thought fast. "Well, I thought maybe you might have been talking about a football five minutes!"

My husband stifled a smile and shook his head. "Weaseling, loopholing (is that even a word?), LYING...which one should I pick in addition to direct disobedience?"

Oh and eek. I was not liking the direction of this conversation at all. I stayed silent.

And afterward prepared for the inevitable. Well, maybe not completely. I had one more trick I could use. I mean, we'd just taken a shower together. It wouldn't be that difficult...mwhahaha!

Jay studied my too gleeful scheming expression I was trying desperately to hide. As always, he can read me like a book. He shook his head slowly. "On your stomach," he directed. I obeyed. Well, sort of. I positioned myself just right so I could...well, get down to seducing him. He smiled wide. Ha! As usual, he can't resist! Yep, I was getting out of it. I'd won for sure.

Except...a conversation I'd had with my friend suddenly interrupted my triumphant victory party. And suddenly I felt guilty. Had I deserved to be punished? Yes. Was I respecting his authority by what I was doing? No.  Was I being massively selfish and using sex in a way I shouldn't be? Um...yeah. And then there was the idea that I should be seducing him because I love him, not to get out of something. Isn't that using him? Ugh, not something I ever wanted to do. Lastly, would me weaseling my way out of punishments I earned and agreed to help our marriage and HELP US GROW? No... Probably even keep us from growing at all. Sigh. Happy, friend of mine?

And so I paused, even stopped.

"What's wrong? Why'd you stop?"

I turned mournful eyes up to his. "I remember a conversation with a friend, and suddenly I feel guilty," I confessed.

His eyebrows raised in surprise. Then, "Okay, let's get this over with..." I gritted my teeth and prepared for the implement to fall. It hurt. During, I cursed my stupid conscience that wouldn't let me go to bed all snuggly and pain-free. Grrr! Afterward, while Jay cuddled me, he asked me the weirdest question.

"You feel better that you did the right thing?"

I stared at him. Huh? What kind of stupid question is that, you you Meanie? NO! I DON'T feel better! It hurt A LOT, and I'm in pain, and I didn't have to be! This totally bites! 

But then I noticed his expression. Pride in his girl. That I'd resisted temptation and done the right thing. And my own hardened one softened. "Yeah," I said, cuddling into him. "I do."

And soon after we finished what I had started earlier...the right way this time. :)



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wild Spank-no Fantasies

Yeah it's a miracle, I'm posting less than a week from the time I posted last! Shaddup. Anyway, all you spank-nos out there...(all three or four of you maybe?), I'm speaking to you especially in this post, appealing to the bond that unites us. Particularly the fantasies we dream about.

Now you spankos out there have to understand that some of our fantasies differ slightly from yours. There's the loving ones that every woman dreams about, yes. But unlike your fantasies like of stuff that happens in DD fiction, we also dream about, for instance, days we can do what most want and not be held accountable. Of course, bonfires of burning implements, hee hee. And then there's something else. Deep in the recesses of our mind, we dream about something else, a little dark, but just as comforting.

So spank-nos, level with me: on those days, when everything seems to be going wrong, ever thought about what it would be like if we could switch roles with our husbands? Let them know what it's like (maybe get sweet revenge...shhh, I didn't just say that!)  Okay, all you goody two shoes, you can deny you've ever considered such a thing. But I'll be brave and say it. I have. I've even expressed that fantasy to my husband a time a two. In teasing, of course...um yeah. "Just a day! For educational reasons! Please?" He's always shot me down, for some reason. Go figure.

Until this conversation came up out of the blue:

"So Sweetie, I've been thinking, I'll make a deal with you."

"Okay..." I answered warily, trying to decipher the mischief in his eyes.

"If you can get a job that pays as much or more as me with the company I work with, then we'll switch roles: you'll work there, and I'll stay home with little J, and you can even be in charge."

"Wait...WHAT??!!" I sputtered, trying not to choke on my coffee.

"You can be HOH," he clarified, grinning. I stared at him in utter disbelief. I could almost hear a hallelujah chorus and see a light from heaven. Did he really just say that...and mean it?

"You mean you'd follow my rules, and I'd get to spank YOU?"

"Sure!" he answered. "All of it!"

"Hmmmm, and what do you think you be doing all day?" I asked him, my skepticism returning.

"Mainly fishing with little J like every day!" he told me, his blue eyes alight with mirth.

"Ha, you think so! And nope, there's keeping up the house and yard, cleaning..."

"Yeah well, I'm 10 times faster than you at that stuff. I'd get it done really fast and be out fishing all day!"

Kay, don't roll your eyes, don't roll them... Here I was thinking I was in the middle of a fantasy, geez, I guess not compared to him! Okay, he's right about being way faster at completing things. But the rest of it was either a huge underestimation on what it takes to raise our son, or most likely a clever argument to support his point of being serious about this.

"Yeah uh huh!" I answered, laughing. "You so would not be able to last! You practically go crazy when I leave little J with you all day and on the weekends when I'm working already! Not to mention your pride, you know you'd never be able to submit to me!" 

He just grinned at me. "Maybe, but we'll never know, will we?"

"Are you taunting me. Because I can, and then I'd make you pay! I just might!"

"Uh huh," he said, in that playfully mocking tone of his. Sure you will, Sweetie. Give me a kiss, and have a good day!"

And then he left for work, leaving me to mull over his strange proposition.


The great thing is Jay doesn't read my blog, and I can say whatever I want on here, without fear of him reading it. Mwhahahaha! So I should tell you what I won't tell him: that no matter how much I joke about wanting it, I would never never want to be HOH for any length beyond a day. I know, all you HOH's out there, that your job isn't easy, and I don't think I'd be able to do it! It's just not my personality. And truth be told, I can't imagine he would ever be able to be in my position, either! He wouldn't even celebrate leap year that way! Still, I can't deny that one day, just one day, would be so cool to switch roles, and yes, I've fantasized about it a lot! Like I said, it's quite comforting at times!

Now I'm smart enough to know what this is. He's taunting me with what he thinks is an impossible task.  He doesn't think I'll be able to do it. I disagree actually. I have a Master's degree, thank you! There is a reason why I'm home (besides working weekends when he's not working), and he does know that and appreciates it. And getting and keeping a job there would not work for us, anyway. Plus, even if I got a job there and he stayed home, we'd keep the same dynamic, it's not like it's based on our jobs, anyway. Still...this is kind of a tempting offer to just pass up without having a little fun with it, ya know?

So what do you think I should do? Chalk it up to him kidding around, and let that happy dream go for the harmless taunting that it is, or hee hee, actually go through the job process and succeed in getting a job there (not keep it, just get it)...just to see him sweat?!

What to do, what to do... ;)

Don't Get on a Roll

Yeah it's been a while. Sorry about that...again. The thing is, I'd love to blog as much as I used to, but right now I just keep finding it overwhelming. The upkeep of this house is so stressful, combined with new challenges as my son gets older, and well I find that either of those things get paid attention to, like I'm supposed to, or I get lost in Blogland and those things get neglected. I'm still struggling to find a balance.

Oh, to add to that, I truly wish I could just whip out a post really fast, but unfortunately I tend to be too much of a perfectionist. I need to feel inspired to write. Everything needs to flow just right. Punctuation and editing should be perfect. Why I act like any of my English professors will be reading my blog I'm not sure. I do know I've been guilty of spending a lot more time writing or reading posts than I should. Even to the point of lots of times getting in trouble for writing about submission--or reading about it and commenting--when I should instead actually BE submitting. Yup, there's irony for ya! Sheesh. Anyway, it's a fine tight rope walk I haven't figured out yet. Sigh.

And one other thing I forgot to mention: my child is obsessed with my computer. Being that every time I get on it, he wants on it too. And lets me know quite vocally! So when I've had time to read (luckily I'm a super fast reader), it's mainly been via my phone. I read posts, but I can't comment a lot of the time. Yeah, after time and time again of trying to post an absolutely brilliant insightful comment for over half an hour and it still not work, I've come to the sad conclusion that Blogger and my phone are not friends. What Blogger did to make my phone so upset I don't know, but apparently there's a grudge there that's not going away any time soon. Resulting in that on so many of your posts, I've become a lurker again, grrr!

So anyway, that's my sad list of excuses of why I've been pretty much MIA. And my rant I needed to get out, which I'll end with that I do miss all of you.

But yes, no search parties needed, we are still alive, and still doing DD (she says, sitting on a soft pillow). I'm still trying my best to stay out of trouble (and sometimes even succeeding!). Luckily I have friends that continue to help me.

So besides missing all of you, I'm venturing out of lurkerland to share with you all a present a friend recently got me:



Isn't this magnet sweet (and so true?). Jay thought so too. He was the one that opened it up, laughed, and stuck it to the refrigerator. Got to appreciate that he has a sense of humor. Unfortunately, his sense of humor doesn't extend that far. I learned from experience that pointing to the magnet as to why I did a certain forbidden action doesn't go the way I'd hoped.

"One of those days, huh? Well I guess it's just one of those days I need to step up and adjust things! Go to the room!" is apparently the response I get. I know, I know, I should have expected it. But unfortunately, at least about DD things, I tend to be too much of a "hands on" learner (or in my case, "implement on"?). Sigh.

Speaking of, that's Jay's new campaign! Stopping me from rolling my eyes. I've gotten in trouble a lot for it lately. I've used every excuse in the book, from praying for help, to inspecting the ceiling, to exercising them in order to increase oxygen flow. No go on any of those, by the way. Or the tons of others that I've tried.

I have to admit, I don't like being punished for this. It's my one small way I can protest things, get out frustration, but...if I'm honest, I realize he's right to hold me accountable for this. Still, sometimes, I swear those things have a mind of their own. I mean, I really don't want to do it! But you know, those dang "some days"...

Anyway, I'm trying to retrain my thinking, because this is such a HUGE struggle for me. I mean, more than that I've been in trouble for doing it again and again during the past few days (my coping mechanism for stress, anyone else identify?). But I do clearly know the importance of this not being in our marriage anymore. So I'm going to "put on my big girl pants" (so among other things, I don't have to take them down later!), and give myself, as well as all of you who struggle with it, a lecture. And maybe just maybe, it will get the message from our brains to our eyes and we'll find a way to STOP doing it!

Studies have shown that eye rolling is a key indicator, even in some studies, the key indicator, of predicting future divorce. I'm not going to look it up and reference stuff, because with my ADHD tendencies, I'd spend six hours finding the perfect snippets to include from the perfect article (I'm not exaggerating), and either I'd so be in trouble for blogging when I'm supposed to be doing other things, or you'd never see this post because it would never get finished. So I'm going to leave that up to you, especially if you struggle with understanding why eye rolling isn't a big deal, to do a small assignment (I've already done it). Ready? The assignment is this: google "eye rolling" and "divorce". And see if it doesn't change your perspective. Done it yet? Have those rolling eyes been opened yet?

I don't know about you, but the idea that eye rolling can be such a key indicator for predicting divorce and I do it so much is absolutely harrowing to me. But when you think about it, it makes total sense. Rolling your eyes is a sign of contempt for who is talking to you. Now, granted, it may be just a widdle itty bitty sign, just to protect your pride when the guy gets on your nerves SO MUCH, a small way of getting to rebel without rebelling. Yeah, I'm referring to myself and how I think. But really, how do you think that harmless-feeling action that feels so good to you feels to him? I know Jay feels disrespected and therefore, agitated. He's told me as much, even if he can't pinpoint why. Now being that I have a huge interest in how the messages a person receives unconsciously and subconsciously can affect a person's self-image and perception, let's break this down for a sec. We already know that disrespect can tear at the very fabric of a guy's self-worth, that having it in many ways defines who they are. And to me, contempt is one of the ultimate forms of disrespect.  So why do you think it affects marriages so strongly? Well, how does anyone feel when they're treated with contempt? Whether on a conscious or unconscious level, I would say hurt. Demeaned. Definitely not respected. Unloved even. And remember, this comes from the person he loves most in the world, from the person who's opinion he values the most. For doing a job that's decidedly not fun sometimes, but is necessary to take care of their relationship and their family. And do we really want to treat our guys that way? Do we even have to wonder why, when we treat our guys like this, and make them feel that way, it's hard for them to be consistent? Hard questions, but necessary questions, don't ya think?

Anyone convicted yet? Me too. Of course, let's be honest. It's easy to give a speech about why I shouldn't do something, and then find myself doing exactly what I said we shouldn't do. I try really hard to keep these reasonings in my head, to keep my eyes from expressing the frustration I feel. But the truth is, it's a habit. A bad habit that needs to be changed, but something that doesn't just get changed overnight. Not only that, it's an unhealthy coping mechanism to deal with this dirty word, "obedience". It involves letting go of my pride, and I don't like doing that. It involves choosing not to protest, when I most want to. And it's going to take some work. No doubt I'm going to mess up, I imagine I'm going to still keep getting in trouble for this, probably for awhile. Habits take time to break, after all (although yes, that time is drastically expedited when there's a paddle involved!). But the thing is (and no one throw this in my face later, please), no matter how hard I have to work at it, I want to do this. Not because I'll get in trouble less, although geez, that is a plus! But my real motivation is because I love Jay too much, and value our marriage too much, to treat this lightly, and not change something that has the potential to destroy what we have. This is MY way of protecting us. 

So that's the end of my pep talk to myself. Hopefully it will help me, and even you, to do better at this. Although you should understand, when it's, well, one of those dang "some days", and he's getting all HOH-y, and I'm all PMS-y, and ALL I want to do is defend my pride and express my frustration in a way I might actually get away with, don't expect...

Yeah, I know, I know! Even then.

And quit rolling your eyes at me. :)

Comes Down to...Whaaa?!

Okay, so this post is going a completely different direction that I thought it would go, when I wrote my last post, but life is like that, right? Especially when you don't get to post right away. So anyway...

I left off last post with Jay, realizing some things needed to change, and listening in on a private conversation with a DD friend. Let me explain that a little bit. This friend I have, she's amazing. She's a person in this lifestyle that I turn to when I'm in trouble, because we're a lot alike, and we can support each other. Now unlike what both our husbands undoubtedly think, we don't just advise each other on ways to weasel out of trouble when we're in trouble (yeah, sometimes we give advice about ways to weasel out even before we're in trouble, hee hee!).

In all seriousness, my friend can objectively look at my situation and give me a new perspective I hadn't considered, or reinforce what I already should have realized. She can pinpoint what's really going on in a situation, just like I can usually about stuff she's going through. That's why it's great to have an outside viewpoint. And yes, she gives great advice, when I choose to listen! (Hey, don't give me a hard time, it's not like she listens every time when I give my sage advice either! [to whom it may concern: right? right? ;-P ]. But yeah, we vent together about our frustrations, and just listen to each other, or we encourage each other, and even pray for each other during hard times. DD would be so much harder without her in my life.

To this friend's credit, she listens to me vent my frustrations about my husband not being consistent, and it can't be easy for her, because she'd probably throw a party if she got one day without consistency! But even she will admit that the arbitrary way we sometimes end up living this lifestyle--never knowing when I'm in trouble or not, or what rules will be enforced that day, like it's determined by the flip of a coin--can be incredibly frustrating, even worse sometimes than the opposite. And because it's been affecting me a lot lately, and apparently because my husband and I are a topic of interest between her husband and her lately, we've been having quite a few conversations about it.

One thing she shocked me, though. "You know, Kay, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think what it comes down to is that you don't respect your husband."

Whaaa?! That was my initial inclination. Geez, tell me what you really think! I don't like being told that! Of course I respect my husband! Aren't I doing DD? Aren't I submitting, which once was to me a dirty word? (sometimes still is). Don't I love him above anything? We talk about this a lot! She knows that!

"What I mean is, you don't respect him to lead you," she continued. "You don't respect that when he says something, he'll do it."

 Well okay, I still don't like it, but she's got a point there.

She went on to explain that when I get a rule, the first thing she notices that I often do is question whether it's really a rule, since I don't really trust that he'll see it through, that I pick and choose which ones to follow, based on what I think he'll enforce. We talked about how easy it is to make DD a game, and how I lose the benefits DD gives when I do that. I know that in my head, but hearing my friend affirm that helped me. A true friend will do that for you, telling you the truth when you need to hear it, even when you don't want to hear it!

I know she's absolutely right, and her words have made me think a lot about things. Anyone who follows my blog knows that this isn't the first time I've struggled with this issue, that I've even written a ton about it. But the idea of it being about not respecting my husband puts it in a new light. It doesn't sit well with me, to be honest. I don't want to be like that. I can't change his part of it--it's true that he hasn't actually always contributed to that respect by following through. But I do want to learn to respect Jay more than I do, regardless of what he enforces or not. I just find myself constantly falling on my face, and sometimes I beat myself up about it. Not anywhere close to like I did before DD started, but still. I do know the benefits that DD gives, and how I sabotage that from happening by my attitude not being what it should be. How I work against him, and stop us from being the team we're supposed to be. I want to get there. Even if I have to battle my will every day to do it. Still, I just wish he'd make it easier sometimes, ya know? Not that I want black and white consistency at all times, but isn't there a middle road somewhere?

Anyway, I'm digressing so you have the background, but that's what we were discussing. And that's what I was venting about...with Jay listening from the other room. Okay, I should mention something about that too. Sometimes Jay does mischievous, conniving things. But this time, I've got to claim responsibility that this was totally my fault! This is a new house, and I forget sometimes that just because I'm in a room alone, doesn't mean that sound doesn't travel. Like say, if he's in the bathroom and I'm in the kitchen. So it wasn't like he had an ear up to the door violating my privacy or anything. But at the same time, he wasn't going to stick his fingers in his ears and sing la la la when he knows the conversation is about him and how things could be made better.

So he heard everything. And I'm guessing he took mental notes.

Because that night, Jay let me know it was time to enforce maintenance, or role affirmation, or whatever you want to call it, which he hadn't enforced the week before even though he was going to do it. This was a total surprise for me, because had I bet someone, my money would have been on him letting it go.

Well that turned into a punishment from a few times of disrespect during the day. So he addressed that and then he surprised me. He identified a few things I did well, in spite of our stress.

Then, "What are your goals for the week, Kay?"

"I don't know!" I answered, still distracted by the pain in my backside. Can't I just rub it a little? Geez!

"I'm not accepting that. Think of some." He waited until I named two, then he added a housekeeping one. Ugh!

"Can you do this this week?"

"I don't know!" I shrugged my shoulders. It felt overwhelming, and I had just recently been reminded of how much I hated being spanked.

"Well, let me ask you this, then. Do you think it's fair?"

"Yes," I answered, truthfully. I shook my head, frustrated. "Anyone else would find it easy," I muttered. "Still, this is me we're talking about." After a moment, I lifted teary eyes to his. "Do you think I can?"

Jay held my gaze, solemnly. "Yes I do. I have complete faith you can do it."

"Then I guess I'll trust you," I answered, trying to derive confidence from him.

"Okay, so we're agreed. You know I have to give a consequence otherwise you and I both know you're not going to do it for sure. So we'll meet back here again Sunday night. If you don't meet those goals, then I will spank, but it will be punishment, not maintenance. If you do, then I won't spank at all, and we'll just examine new goals for the week. I change my mind on the whole spanking regardless thing, I just don't want to do it, no matter how light it is."

 "Yeah but I prefer it to this kind of thing where I get punished big-time every Sunday!"

"Well, good, because I've got a solution to that! Don't get punished!" my husband said cheerily. "Now come cuddle with me. Trust me on this: things will be okay."

Uh huh. Trying...

Okay so I should interject that, technically, you can say this isn't maintenance, it's a weekly review. And ugh, it wasn't something I liked better, either! Even though I've always been not enthusiastic about the idea of getting spanked regardless, given the two choices, I actually probably would have preferred maintenance. The idea that it wouldn't hurt as much as a punishment is quite appealing! This way, it's kind of a bad punishment if I ignore the goals for the week, worse than what I usually get. BUT one thing I have learned , at least in our relationship. is that sometimes you've got to stay away from expecting rules for this stuff! Basic guidelines, maybe. Like a lot of guys out there, Jay hates doing what everyone does. He likes coming up with his own thing. And changing it if it doesn't work for him. It's his show. Not that I don't have an input, though! But I still try to understand that ultimately he's in charge, and let him lead.

And lead he did. Well up until a few days ago, he could have been nominated for HOH of the year. I wasn't able to get away with anything. I was sore a lot. He was very loving, but VERY consistent. It was annoying, but comforting. I was actually making some progress, as little as it was.

A few days ago, though, well after I wrote the last post, something happened that was quite stressful for us. And yet again, things have been unintentionally put on hold. I'm back to pondering my friend's words, and trying to give that respect on my end, even if I can't control his part of it.

So even though the circumstances have changed back to what they were previously, I'm still saying I'm done rebelling. I REALLY want to be! If Jay's consistent this week, good for him. But I'd like to not even have to find out!

It bothers me that I don't respect my husband enough. It bothers me when I treat it like a game, to see how much I can get away with. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to stop all the expectations that determine if I feel like rebelling or not.

If I can, anyway. It's not always an easy thing to do. This is, after all, me we're talking about. But I can try. And keep trying, right?

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to working on the tasks he assigned me to do this week...:)