Don't Tell Me What to Do!!

You know that feeling don't you? He says something HOH-y, and it's the last thing you want to hear.


Me too.


Even after over three years sometimes I still forget. Slip into denial. Especially in times like these. And it doesn't matter what it is. I could have been intending on doing it anyway on my own. Still, because he said it in THAT tone, I bristle like a porcupine. And snarl like a badger.


"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!"


My poor husband.


He looks at me half in confusion, half in amusement. "Kay, it's my job," he reminds me.


"Oh yeah," I mutter, trying to remind myself, convince myself in time to salvage things before they turn dangerous, if I haven't crossed that threshold already. "Sorry." Then, after another moment, "But you know I don't have to like it!"


Jay just shakes his head, once again trying to make sense of his stubborn wife.


I know, I know. I live this lifestyle, and I better learn soon. You'd think after this long it wouldn't be so difficult. But I don't know what happens to me when I'm working. It's like I completely lose my head. Maybe there's security in being a working woman. More likely it's the stress that comes along with it, that makes everything else momentarily pale in comparison, even other realities in my life. 


Every year about this time I work pretty solidly, almost every day. I've been doing it the past six years, because, not only does it give us needed money, but it's also super fun.


Except this year. Some things have changed, and it's been nothing but stressful. My managers, who are also my friends (on a shallow level anyway), have been weirdly power trippy and it's taken everything within me not to tell them off. Particularly because I've done their job, even for this, and there's no reason for it. We're all each other's managers at times depending on the gig, our industry is unique that way, and they seem to have forgotten that. But being things are how they are now, and with them looking like they're here to stay for this particular thing long-term, I'm actually wondering if this is my last year doing this. I'm hoping maybe so.


The other night, after a particularly bad day, I collapsed in my husbands arms and vented through tears. I didn't think I was that strongly affected, but I guess I was. And yeah, even though I feel better, I know my nerves are still taut as a bowstring. Ready to zing an arrow any moment.


Or more accurately, wanting to zing an arrow. Does that make sense?


When I'm stressed, it destresses me to be defiant. Not so I can get in trouble (geez!), but because it assauges my pride. I'm still trying to understand this about myself, even with all my psychology background.  It's a basic fighting for control, sure.  But as someone who's agreed to being a DD wife, with everything that goes with living that dynamic, it also possibly makes me borderline bat crazy.


Now yes, if I stop to think, it helps to think about that he doesn't deserve this, that I love him and want to show I respect him. I think that way more and more. But in so many instances, I'm apparently not thinking at all. Nor does the threat of a spanking work. I'm not thinking about pain. It seems far far away. Or if anything, I'm thinking I'm not giving him the satisfaction of giving in, I can't let him think I'm afraid of a consequence! I'll do the opposite to show my lack of fear! I'll stand strong, come hell or high water, or paddles or even bathbrushes...


Yup, bat crazy.


I do the opposite a lot. I'll admit it.


And then, as reality hits right before a punishment, I of course think how could I have been so dense. How could I have forgotten how BADLY this hurts? Dang that "Hakuna Matata" philosophy I seem always to adhere to! And even more so, how badly I hurt us, even him by my pride and self-centeredness? Ugh.


Jay is a wonderful guy. He lets me have quite a bit of leeway when I'm stressed. He knows it's a struggle for me, and he strives to meet me halfway. He's comforting when I need it. But when he feels it's time to take action, it isn't pleasant.


Sometimes, like last night, it's a not-so-serious reminder that I can't wrap my head around taking, and so it's turned into way worse. No rolling my eyes. Geez, how many times does he have to tell me? How many times do I have to keep telling myself?? And he says lately I've been pushing the fence. What fence? There's a fence there? All I see is a open field beckoning me to run and be freeeeeeee!....Ow, oww, ooowww, oh I see it now, I promise, I promise!  Sheesh, I wish my mind would work for me in this lifestyle instead of against me.


For now things are back where they are supposed to be. I'm hoping that at least I've got my head on straight for a few more days. I've only got to work this stupid job through Sunday and then I'm done. Then I can breathe. Destress.


Phew.


And on to the holidays, with a Christmas-hating Jay who I swear destresses via spanking me, home for a few weeks! It's a wonderful time of year with no stress whatsoever, and no history of the most severe punishments taking place...



Oh, who am I kidding?


I'm doomed.




At least until the new year, anyway. ;)