Beauty and the Beast - Part 1

Seeing and hearing all the hoopla about William and Kate reminded me of another modern fairy tale.

Hollywood tells it again and again. Disney too. Girl meets boy. Specifically, in this case, good girl meets very bad boy. He treats her badly, but she stays by him. Doesn't leave no matter what he does, or how ugly he is within. Until one day, he wakes up, realizing she means everything to him. That completely changes him. He turns from the person he is, into her handsome Prince. And they live happily ever after.   

Sounds too perfect, doesn't it? A Hollywood fairy tale. Or a typical plot for a romance novel. Little bearing on real life. And yet, that's exactly our story. I realize this dream is why a lot of women stay in abusive relationships, that one small shred of hope that he will change, that he will become the person she sees the potential for deep inside. And that's one reason why I don't share my story much. I know my story is not the norm.

I was swept off my feet the first time I met my Jay, not because I thought he was hot like all the other girls, but because of the things we had in common. I saw an instant soulmate. He saw, um, a conquest. I wouldn't date him at first. I didn't want to lose him as a friend. Naive girl that I was, I didn't realize it was just all just basically manipulation to get into my pants.

My husband was a bad guy. He's the first to admit it. He had had a horrific childhood and life, and he hated people. He trusted them even less. He saw women as objects  for his pleasure, and with his chiseled looks, in spite of his life troubles, he was never lacking. He didn't keep relationships, though he was a master at charming women. He was rigid in his beliefs in how he saw the world, and how he saw other people to be. He looked out only for himself. Such an attitude had kept him alive. He kept his heart tightly locked up, and opened it to no one.

I, on the other hand, broke every rule he had about women. I wouldn't have sex with him, because of my beliefs. But, I never cheated on him. I was always honest and loyal. He went through an extremely tough time. Throughout his life, he had never known anyone to ever stand by him when things got bad. He did not believe it was even possible. I proved him wrong.

I told him that even if I couldn't date him, my love for him was unconditional. He tested me. Constantly. To say he was a horrible jerk to me was an understatement.  I don't ever advocate staying in an abusive relationship, physically, emotionally (as was my case), or otherwise. Anyone who's in an abusive relationship needs to get out! The massively rare exception is when you are ABSOLUTELY SURE that's where God wants you. And by absolutely sure, I mean God has answered every test short of the angel Gabriel coming down and telling you. In my case, I did every Gideon's fleece-like test out there to make sure I was doing the right thing. And I kept getting the same answer. That I was where I was supposed to be. The guy had never known love. So how could I expect him to know how to receive it, much less give it?

At one point, he moved back to his hometown with his long-lost parents. He begged me to come visit him for the summer, and I did. After the initial happiness at me being there, he began to be horrible to me then, too, in spite of needing my help on something important. Actually, besides the few times he did it while we were playfully physically sparring, that's actually how spanking first came into our relationship. He told me I should be giving him sex. I told him it violated my beliefs, and tough. He decided that he'd spank me every night until I relented. I told him, spank away. And he did. Not brutally, and not bare, but it still hurt! Dysfunctional, I know. He wanted to see how much I would put up with. He thought I'd give in. I didn't. So he gave up. And he learned I can be just as stubborn as him! But I did finally go back home, convinced that I'd helped him beyond what I could, that things were over between us.

Then something happened. Have you heard that song "Cry" by Mandy Moore that plays during the credits of her movie "A Walk To Remember" (another story a lot like ours minus the dying)? That was pretty much it, only in our case, it was over the phone. One thing he'd always said is that he'd never cry. Tears to him were weak. But now, for the first time, he allowed himself to feel. And in that moment, I felt the icy chill over his heart break. He told me he'd suddenly realized he had feelings for me he'd never known before, that threatened and overwhelmed him, and so he had fought them. He told me he realized how much he'd taken my love for granted, and begged me to forgive him for treating me the way he had. He told me he wanted to change, to be the man I deserved.

The Beast did not become a Prince overnight. No lights came down from heaven, nor did the air tingle with magic. But Jay began a process of change that was profound, if not miraculous. It still took years of him choosing to learn, and choosing to change before I was able to even consider marrying him. But he did it.

Now my husband is indeed my fairy tale Prince (although he'd no doubt roll his eyes about me saying that, lol). But he's everything I've ever wanted in a man, and more. He's gentle, loving, and fully in control of his emotions. He has surrendered his heart both to me and to God. No one who knew him before can believe he's even the same person. 
 
We still have our share of life's problems. But we have each other, and God's hand guides us. Because of that, we truly have reached our happily ever after.

Turning Point

So much has happened that it's taken me awhile to process it in my head, let alone write about it. 

I did one of the worst things one can do in TTWD: I disobeyed my husband. After he told me in no uncertain terms that I was not to do it. Then I did exactly that. With full knowledge what I was doing. I know, yikes, eeek, gulp. In our marriage, it's the Double D, Deliberate Disobedience...not good. 

I say this just in musing, because I know I still haven't had the courage to let anyone know about my blog yet, but I really wish I knew how to solve this. What do you do when you feel your HOH is wrong? And talking to him does nothing? What do you do when you feel you have an obligation to do what is right? But to do so, you have to disobey?

I know why this issue was such a big deal. He's trying to take care of me, things have been hard on me. I know this, but geez, talk about things being blown out of proportion! 

My friend was supposed to come over yesterday. That's a good thing, I don't get out much. But I awoke to our son coughing. And stuffed up. So I told Jay I'd postpone our visit in case the baby was sick. And just until Monday, not like a year!   He told me the baby was NOT sick, and that I was not to postpone it, he had been trying to get people to come over for awhile, because he knows I need it. Aww, my sweet husband! Repeated that it was to go on as scheduled to make sure I understood. And I would have let it. But she has an infant too, and I'd feel like a horrible friend if he got sick. So I postponed it. Just in case. I felt we didn't have enough experience as parents to know if he was or wasn't coming down with something. Especially sneezing and coughing like that. 

It turned out Jay was right. But I stand by my decision to err on the side of caution! I had to do what I thought was right, for the good of my child, and for the good of my friend's child.

Jay did not agree. He was furious. He was hurt. He couldn't speak at first. It was about undermining his authority. And when all he wanted was to help me, I decide to knowingly do such a thing...that made it so much worse. He finally said he couldn't believe my lack of respect that I'd directly go against what he said. He hung up on me, and he didn't come home for hours. 

My take on it? I did what I had to do. But I do understand that there's a consequence for disobedience. And I accept that, if nothing else, because I know I've gotten away with a lot, and therefore, no matter the situation, there's no way I could ever say a spanking is unfair. So, while I really don't like it, as always, I was prepared to submit. But I hate when he's upset with me! I really wanted things just to be right between us again, no matter what it meant.

Fast forward to that night. 

Jay told me that he had decided not to spank me. That he'd rather just be upset with me for quite awhile. He said that I do what I want, and then expect a spanking to just smooth it over, so I can be free to do what I want again. First of all, that's NOT true. I do what I want to do sometimes because I don't think, and I'll have you know I HATE spankings. I just don't think about consequences until later, or I think that it's a likely gamble I can get out of it. Arrrgh, not submissive, I know. Hearing the truth, I cringe. But that's what happens a lot. 

But it's hard for me to submit! I hate that it is, but it is! Giving him my submission was a huge sacrifice! And it's particularly hard for me to take a spanking! But I do it, because I'm trying to change. And because the effects of not just holding things against one another, are worth it. So him using his authority to go back to the way things used to be, just because he wants me to suffer emotionally, not cool. And a total violation of our dynamic.

So I was furious. And hurt. And NOT quiet about it. He wants to just remain upset? Fine! Be upset! See if I care! And that's exactly what I told him, at a very high decibel level.

Jay did a double take. "What? Where do you come off being angry? I try very hard to take care of you, and you return it by disobeying me. Why don't I have the right to just be upset for once?"

I turned to him. "You have the right to be upset that I disobeyed you," I said, softening my tone. "I wish you could see that I was doing what I thought was right, but as you don't, I get where you're coming from. I was happy when you said I don't have to go through a spanking, but this holding resentment against me, that's NOT fair," I pushed away tears, "I agree to submit to you or be held accountable to avoid this very thing. And if you're going to do it anyway, then WHAT am I doing?" And I prepared to leave.

Jay stopped me. He grabbed my hand. "Go ahead and get the paddle, and bring it to me. Then pull down your pants and bend on over."

Now that it was a reality, I felt frozen. Suddenly him being mad at me didn't seem that horrible. Did I really want this?

"You better hurry," he said. 

I tried to backpedal quick. "I-I changed my mind," I said. "You can just be mad at me..."

"Too late." His slight smile was unnerving.

I got the paddle, and brought it to him, then took down my pants. He shook his head, smiling a little more. "You have to know those are not going to be allowed to stay on," he said, looking pointedly at my panties.

"Well, yeah, but a girl's gotta try," I said, trying to ignore my trembling. What is wrong with you? Why, why, WHY didn't you just take the free pass? This was going to be bad, and I knew it.

Yep, I was right about it being bad. I screamed the entire time. I begged for leniency. I promised through my tears it would never happen again. "Really, Kay? You promise?"

"Yes!" I shrilled.

"Okay," He said authoritatively. "I'm stopping, but in exchange, I'm holding you to that promise. If you EVER directly disobey me again, you can expect, this three times as hard, and three times as long."

I couldn't even imagine it worse. I mustered my courage, and spoke through my sobs. "W-w-wait, m-maybe you should finish in-instead..."

"Too late. Now come here." Then he wrapped me in his arms.

"Are you still mad at me?" I asked, as soon as my breathing slowed.

"No," he said. "But starting now, I think we need to start getting more serious about things."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning, I don't expect a lot from you. But the things I do expect will be done from now on. Or you will be paddled, each and every time. Got it?"

"Yes."

"Also, I'm holding you accountable for reading the Bible. I think it might help you with your attitude. Not your version, mine. You'll start from the beginning, and read a full page every morning, front and back. And if you forget, or read less than that, you will be paddled. Do you understand?" 

What?!! That's the last thing I ever expected to be accountable for, especially from him!

"Yes, but I already have a reading plan that I'm going through-" Gee, Honey, it's not like I never read the Bible. I even know it way better than you do.

"You're welcome to do that as well, but you WILL do this."

Huh? "Okay, but don't you think I should start from somewhere besides Genesis?"

"No, you're going to start from where I said." He paused, "And I just thought of something else. After you have finished a book, you will have three days to write me a full page essay telling me what you learned."

"Okay." What? Who ARE you?

And then it occurred to me. This wasn't about reading the Bible. I mean it may have been partially, but it was really about submitting. His way. So I gave my assent. And it occurred to me how proud I was of him. He's come a very long way. And I want to give him my respect. In everything I do.

He continued to discuss other things I need to improve on. And I couldn't pinpoint it at the time, but something had changed in him. How it happened, I don't know. But things were not going to be the same.

It's been days later. I've been paddled A LOT. No attitude is tolerated. No eye-rolling, no tones, and definitely no "whatever"s. I am expected to be completely obedient. And I fear I earned another spanking tonight for delaying on something he told me to do. Aarrgh. But there's a kind of security I didn't expect. And trust in his guidance. And hope. I know I'm learning, and maybe now I'll learn faster. 

I had better, or I'll never be able to sit again!

Procrastination - Not A Good Thing

During the Revolutionary War, at the Battle of Bunker Hill, General Prescott popularized a phrase, by telling his soldiers: "Don't fire(shoot) until you see the whites of their eyes." It was about patience. And accuracy, since they had only a limited amount of ammunition. Our Irish family clan adopted it as a family motto. With a little different meaning. It refers to our love to procrastinate in everything.
  
I tried to explain to Jay my tendency to procrastinate was genetic (to try to get out of a spanking, of course). He was less than understanding. He wants it gone. NOW, in his words. And yesterday he decided to teach me a lesson.

I can acknowledge Jay was more than fair. He gave me over three hours. And it wasn't a complex task. It was just to get the baby's supplies ready for bed, including mixing a few bottles, and be completely ready for bed myself. By 9 o'clock sharp. So it would be done well before bedtime. An easy task, taking a half hour at the most. 

So I waited until 8:30. To even think about it. He tried warning me. He told me there was no way I was going to be able to weasel out of this, even if I was less than a minute late. He told me the consequence would be severe. I smiled and told him I had everything under control. And I thought I had. Alas, I forgot I was me.
  
I got the baby bottles ready, put them and an ice pack in the little insulated sack we use for night, and set them aside. Hardest part done. Then I went on to prepare something else. And wouldn't you know it, in typical Kay fashion, I forgot where I put the dang bottles! I searched where I thought I'd put them. No luck. I searched the whole house. Came up empty-handed. I asked for Jay's help. He refused. Meanie. I tried to get out of it. His only response was that I was wasting time. Said with a knowing smile. BIG meanie. I was now in full panic mode. I began to search in places the bag of bottles could never be, the pantry, the garage, the washing machine... Well, okay, just kidding on that last one. I'm not that bad. But you never know! Anyway, a few minutes to the deadline, I decided to make more. I didn't want to-formula's expensive. But I was desperate, and I didn't want to get spanked! Jay came into the kitchen.
  
"What are you doing?"
  
"I'm...um..getting a bottle ready," I said, finishing up.
  
"So you decided to waste what we have and make more," he surmised. "That's not going to get you out of trouble."
  
"Well I don't want to be spanked, and I can't find them-"
  
"You mean these?" he asked smugly, holding up that silly bag. In typical Jay fashion, it had taken him probably less than thirty seconds to find what I probably wouldn't have found within two hours.
   
I grabbed them, and ran to the bedroom to put them where they belonged in the diaper bag. Then I breathed a sigh of relief. Until he appeared in the doorway. I tried to exit, and he blocked my way, his purpose evident. "Lie down."
  
"B-but I'm done!" C'mon, really? 
  
"And you were late. Lie down!"
  
"But I think I had time left!" And besides, it's not 9'oclock in Hawaii! I was about to say just that when, ""I came into the kitchen when the clock turned nine, the clock you know I'm going by. And I told you what would happen if you weren't finished by that time."
  
"Please don't spank me! I promise, I learned my lesson! I won't ever wait until the last minute again!" I gave my best impression of Puss' kitten eyes from Shrek.
  
"Sorry, Sweetie, but I have to. Now lie down!"
  
"But-" I searched for last minute tactics.
  
"You either lie down right now, or I'm adding ten more."
  
Okay, that's my cue. I did as he said, to spare myself making it worse, while he got the paddle. "I-I don't want this anymore! I'm not consenting!" He ignored me. "I don't want to go through this-I don't want to," I was sobbing already. He set his hand against my trembling skin. "Kay, was I fair?"
  
"Yes," I had to answer, choking on the word. I hate it when I'm asked that!
  
"Did you have enough time to complete the task assigned?"
  
"Yes," I admitted quietly.
  
"I warned you several times. I didn't want us to end up here. Why didn't you listen?"
  
"I, um, thought I knew better," I wailed, regretfully.
  
"You thought you knew better," he repeated. "You know, I do know some things and I'm trying to teach you. But all you do is fight me. You procrastinated and waited until the last possible second, and that's why we're here."
  
"But I thought I had allowed enough time--I would have made it if I hadn't lost the bag!" 
  
"We'll not talk about carelessness," said my wise HOH, "and just focus on the idea of allowing for unforeseen circumstances. I was trying to get you to do all this several hours ago, so you wouldn't even have to worry about the deadline. Even if you had lost the bottles, you would have had enough time. But no, you just ignored me. You can't continue to do everything at the last minute! That's why you're late so much, that's why paperwork doesn't get done on time, that's why the house doesn't look like it should. When I give you a task, I expect it done. When I say to do it. I'm not budging on this. Do you understand?"
  
"Yes," I said, breathing hard. And then he let me have it. And though he wasn't brutal, he definitely wasn't gentle either. Not that it would have mattered. I have no pain tolerance whatsoever. Even gentle swats hurt badly. But this was AGONY. I screamed into my pillow, from the first swat until the last, apologizing, begging him to be done. When it was over, and he had pulled my bottoms up, he had me look at him. "Am I going to have to do this again?"
  
"No!" I answered, tearfully. And I meant it. 
  
Afterward, as I so often do, I felt spent. Couldn't move, couldn't even slow down my breathing for a long while. And I just lay there thinking. I don't want to end up here again. After a spanking, often I want to quit DD, it hurts so badly. But I do so want to learn. I don't want to be like this anymore.
  
Later in bed, my husband started lecturing me again. About the future. "You've become serious," I observed, wryly.

"Well, Sweetie, you've left me little choice," Jay said, almost regretfully. "You play games. You obey me to a point, then you do what you want and then manipulate and find loopholes to get out of being punished. And that's not submission. Submission has to be whole-hearted."
  
That hit me hard. "I love you. I want to be able to truly submit. I don't know what holds me back."
  
He hugged me tightly. "You have that part of you that's stubborn," he said. "It's like you think if you let go that you'll lose your identity. And Sweetie, that's not the way it is at all."
  
Then he continued talking about other things. But his words stayed with me. The longer we do this, the more intuitive he's getting. And the more he makes me want to learn to do this. How do I get rid of that stubborn part of me? I don't have an answer yet. 

But in the meantime my goal is to NOT end up here tomorrow!

Behavior Naut Approved

"Why do you fight me?" he asked me AGAIN. I don't know, Honey, but I'm pretty sure there's an underlying reason that's not my fault...hang on for a minute, I'll think of it...

I write this, sitting on a very warm bottom. I deserved it, I know that. But I so wish I didn't have to deal with this! Why can't I just be good?


Jay got a new boat. Well, new to us, anyway. He needed to fix a few things on it so we could go out on the water this past weekend, so he brought the boat up to the shop where he works to patch those things up. This is supposed to be a special time together. But nope, I have to be rebellious and sabotage everything!

It all started on the way up to the shop. Apparently, I was being too pestering. He told me to be quiet. He had a lot on his mind. Remember the Quiet Game? As a kid, I ALWAYS lost. If being quiet was the difference between life and death (or a big pile of money), bet against me every time! Why? I don't know! Things just come into my head, and they let themselves out through my mouth of their own accord! It's so annoying! 

Something about me not thinking before I say.

Tonight was no exception. "I'm thinking very seriously about whooping you at the shop." I read him for possible merriment, to signal the possibility he might be kidding (He does, sometimes). No such luck. Come on, Kay! Behave!

I started playing a game on my iphone. I got frustrated and said something. Didn't think. Jay shook his head, "You can't help yourself, can you?" 

"No, I can't! And that's why you should feel sorry for me!" He gave me The Look. I bent my head quickly, and went back to my game.

When we arrived, he told me to follow him into the shop. And it was a command. Uh oh. I did as I was told, hoping he just wanted me with him. 

It was my first time being in the boat since we'd bought it. It was nice. But then, "Sit down there on that cushion, don't move, and be quiet."

"Why?"

"Because I said to."

"But-but I don't have my phone! I need to go get it!" 

"That's not my problem. You need to sit there quietly."

"But I'll be bored!"

"Kaytlin," he said warningly. He uses my whole name when I'm one step from being in trouble.

"Please let me just go get it really quick, and then I'll be good! I promise!"

"No, you need to just sit there. Stop fighting me! Now, I don't want to hear one more word from you or else!"

I sat there, and tried to be quiet. Tried super duper hard. But I was getting antsy. And then I started noticing it was a little cold. At the time, I just wanted a jacket. But in hindsight, yeah, I totally know that I was using it as an excuse to be able to cross the line, without openly rebelling. "Jay! I need to go get my jacket!"

"What did I tell you!"

"Then could you go get it, please? I'm cold!"

"Don't worry. I'll be up there to warm you up. Just give me another minute."

That didn't sound good at all. Ominous in fact. I hoped I was wrong. But at least, I mused, he'd have to use his hand. He had no implements with him, of that I was sure. Heh, heh.

And then he was there. Carrying a block of wood as a makeshift paddle! Crap, where did he get that from? I sat quietly, studying my feet, as he arranged the boat cushions, none too gently. 

"Lie down!"

"But, Jay, I-"

"Lie down!" 

I took the hint, and shut up, whimperingly doing what I was told. It hurt. "Why do you fight me?" he asked afterwards. "I wish I knew," I sobbed. And I do.

I stayed like that for awhile, recovering, trying to understand why I do the things I do. Resolving to try harder. Both for him and for me.

Until he called me, lovingly making sure I knew why he had to follow through, making sure I was okay, that we were okay again. Then he handed me my jacket (which I no longer needed, being plenty warm now) and my phone. 

So that was my first experience being on our new boat. But I'm hopeful this weekend will be a much better one. :)

Rotten Day

Yesterday I was having one of those days. You know, one of those days when nothing seems to be going right. When you feel entangled in confusion and stress, and it feels as though it's going to drag you through the floor into the ground. Where you wish you could go, just to avoid life. Not permanently, just for a little while. I wanted to crawl into a hole, and not come out for a long time. It was a rotten day.

I don't think I have post partum depression, but yes, it sure felt like it yesterday. It didn't help that my usually angelic infant was being super fussy, Jay was working super late hours AGAIN, and I had a major decision that I had no idea how to handle (I guess for the second I forgot the whole prayer and surrender thing). Nope. I was anxious, crying, totally not thinking logically. Yep, that's my excuse.

Jay and I were getting things ready for bed. He said to do something. Repeating it like ten times. I pretended not to hear. After all, my head was buried in the freezer. Then, innocently, "What?"

He repeated it again. And I ignored it again. Now in my defense, besides not thinking logically, I had information he didn't have and could have benefited from hearing. But did I tell him why I was doing my own thing? Nope.

"Don't make me have to whoop you." His voice was full of warning. Lights should have been flashing, sirens blaring in my head, to turn back, get off this train. But I claim temporary madness in my stress. I didn't care about what might happen. And I told him so.

"Really." He drew the word out, with dark meaning.

"Really!" I shot back. Smart-ass with no fear. That's me. 

"Okay." Jay was silent for a moment, obviously admiring my bravery. I continued what I was doing. He came into the kitchen. "Why don't you to finish that up, and then go ahead and lie down on the carpet right there, face down."

Thanks for the offer, but why don't I pass on that. I went too far, yes. But I know I can fix this.  I unpacked a few things from my feminine wiles take-a-long kit."I'm sorry, Honey, I do care, I shouldn't have said that," I said, as submissively as I could. To my surprise, he held his ground. "Lie down."

I obeyed. What an end to a perfectly rotten day! I just hoped my punishment would be mild. At least if it was out here I had less of a chance of him wanting to go all the way into the bedroom to get an implement. But then I saw him leave. Crap! I waited for him to return, now breathing hard with apprehension. He lifted my robe up, but thankfully left my pants on. I was breathing in relief, when, WAP! It was the mahogany paddle, and it hurt! WAP, WAP, WAP! He was very efficiently hitting the same spots! After a while, I couldn't control them anymore. My feet came up against my will. "Move your feet." Totally calm. I forced them down. WAP! They came up again. "Move your feet." WAP! Same spot. "Move your feet." WAP! "Move your feet." It continued this way. him totally calm, me yelping, then having to force myself to submit, then yelping again. Thankfully, he didn't hold it against me this time that I wasn't able to hold position. We continued this rhythm, and then finally he was done.

He helped a very contrite me to my feet, then wrapped me in his arms, holding me there. I buried my face in his chest. "Jay, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I love you so much," I sobbed. He hugged me tighter. "I know. It's over now. I love you too, Sweetie." He held me for a while longer, then let me go. "Get the stuff for the baby, and let's go to bed." I did what I was told, my thinking now totally clear.

We got into bed, and he snuggled me tightly to him. He heard me chuckle softly. "Hmm." he responded, waiting for me to share. "It's nothing," I said quickly. Sharing this part of myself with him is always hard, it feels almost shameful. "Hmm." he said louder this time, more insistent. I knew I had to say something. "It's just," I hedged, "that for some weird reason I actually feel totally better, not stressed at all."

Jay nodded knowingly. "Yeah, believe it or not, that's the other reason I did that." he said. I was shocked. Here I had been afraid he wouldn't understand, and he had discerned enough that I would benefit from a stress relief spanking, and administered it, all on his own. My trust in him and respect for him shot through the roof.

I let my breath out, relieved that I could share with him. "I'm a freak," I lamented.

"Yes," Jay agreed, playfully. "But you are mine." Those last words were spoken so tenderly that I was again surprised. My husband doesn't say things like that! At least he didn't until lately. Now it seems to be happening a lot more.

I cuddled even closer. "You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that," I told him.

"We're together in this," he said, turning off the light. "Until death do us part." Then he added, teasingly, "And then after you're gone, I'll see if I can find someone twenty years younger than me."

"Yeah, okay," I answered, my voice dripping with playful sarcasm. And we began a little bit of our familiar bantering.

As I fell asleep wrapped in his arms, I felt totally at peace.

What an end to a perfectly rotten day, that all of a sudden, wasn't so rotten.

WHATEVER the Battle, He'll Be There

Whatever, whatever, whatever, what-EVER! Ha! WHATEVER! Great, now that I got that out of my system (for a few seconds)...


We were in the car on the way to somewhere we needed to go. He was talking about something trivial, I can't for the life of me remember what. But I remember the next part. "Yeah, whatever," I was agreeing, rolling my eyes.

His frivolity instantly died. "You're daring to say that again?"

"What?" Was he serious? "Wait a minute! That's so not fair! You weren't lecturing me! I was agreeing with you!"

"Doesn't matter. You know I hate that word. No matter what context it's used in. You're not allowed to say it, and you know it."

His stern voice. Grrr. "Please don't spank me." I pleaded.

"I don't know, Sweetie. That's the second time today. I'm pretty sure I should."

I crossed my arms and pouted. FINE!! I sighed. My rebel self was out to play. "Well," I began, after a long silence, "what if I agreed never to never ever ever say whatever again?"

He laughed. "You just said it again!"

"No I didn't. I was just telling you what word I was referring to."

He gave me the exasperated "are-you-kidding-me" look.

"I could have been talking about any word in the dictionary."

"Nice try. But not good enough."

“But-but you don't understand! It's not my fault! When you say I can't say it, it's like I'm compelled to say it! It's my ADD! It drives me crazy inside my head until I let it out!"

"Sucks to be you." Completely unsympathetic.

"Yes it does! And that's why you should feel sorry for me! I can't control it!"

"Yes you can. And you will, or I will."

"There is no other word that’s quite the same! If you are going to forbid me to say it, you have to provide me an alternative word I can use."

Jay shook his head. "Unbelievable! I'm not going to give you an alternative word. That's not my job. YOU just need to watch your mouth! Got it?"

"Yes, but I don't know how-"

"You better learn quickly, or you're going to be in trouble from here on out. A LOT."

I pouted a little, and he started talking about other things. I don't know what was wrong with me. I may have confused a stupid pill for my post-pregnancy vitamin. But somehow I answered something he said with "what-is-ever."

"I KNOW exactly what you just did. You said the word, just changing it a little!"

"Wow, you're quick!" I said with exaggerated mock surprise. I know, I know, I can be kind of dense when I'm feeling rebellious.

I don't know why, but shockingly, Jay was not amused. "I wasn't sure I was going to, but you just absolutely guaranteed yourself an ass whooping tonight," he informed me. I studied his expression. It was all HOH. Serious! Uh-oh.

"For you to continue to defy me...and then you say that?"

"But honey, you're misunderstanding me! I gave you a compliment on how smart you are!"

"Word game. And it’s not going to work for you either,” he said, pulling into the parking lot.

I turned to stare out the window. “That’s the last time I read you a blog,” I muttered.

Earlier, I had read him a few archived entries from Stormy over at Shelter In the Storm. Digressing a little, if you are reading this, and haven’t checked her blog out, you should. She’s an absolutely brilliant writer, who, like me, can’t stay out of trouble for long, but also has some amazing insights.  

Anyway, getting back to our conversation:

He turned to me, his expression highly amused. “Kay, it didn’t take a blog of someone a lot like you to let me know what you do. I choose to let it go. But just because I let things slide doesn’t mean that I don’t know you and ALL your tricks. And no, you’re not getting out of this one." He grew more serious again. "This isn’t my fault. YOU earned this. And it's happening. Now get your stuff together, and let’s go.”

He exited the car, and I started gathering my things together to follow. I knew I was in trouble. I knew he was justified in punishing me. I need to work on watching what I say, and I’m going to try harder. He deserves that. But honestly, I didn’t want to get spanked! And it sounded like this was going to be a biggie, with no way out. 

And then an idea came to me. A sermon on not being seduced by sexual temptation kind of, well, had a different interpretation at the moment. I could feel my already tarnished halo slipping off, being replaced by shiny cute horns. “You don’t know all my tricks,” I said to myself. Cue evil laugh. And I hatched a plan. 


It worked. Heh heh heh. I still got in trouble, but it was not nearly as severe as it would have been. He kept trying to keep a stern face, and um, wasn’t quite succeeding. And then it was on to more pleasant activities. :D

The Journey Thus Far...

It all started with a dream Jay had one night. Well, let me back up.

We've been married for a few years, but known each other for far longer than that. And spanking for infractions has long been a part of our relationship. But it was really sporadic, and hardly ever, only used as a last resort, really. And though I just always accepted it as our reality, I never submitted to him in any other way. In fact, I ran from it. I'm from the Northwest. Feminism is rampant here. Women are often seen as equal to men in every way, sometimes even superior. He's from the South. We've always disagreed on what our roles in our marriage should be. He has always wanted me to be more domestic. My response? If you wanted a Stepford Wife, you should have married one. I hate cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry with a passion. What's more, I hate being told what to do. And I will fight for my rights with claws extended.

I did one of those Facebook quizzes of who my husband and I were most like from the movies, and it came back as Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Although the dynamic is changing now, our marriage has always been what would be termed a volatile marriage. Someone described it as you hear the screaming at the top of their lungs, and what's it about? Whether to get 40 or 60 watt bulbs (or maybe in our case fluorescent vs LED). We've always fought a lot, and bantered when not fighting. It's usually had a playful edge. Usually. But ALWAYS competitive. We have a fierce love for each other. We've been through a lot, and we absolutely complete one another. That's us.

So back to the dream. Can't tell you what it was, but I will tell you it disturbed me greatly, when Jay shared that he dreamed this. I could tell he was super stressed, and very agitated with me. I realized that I had put a lot on him by my immaturity, and he didn't deserve that. What's more, I had recently found out I was pregnant, and I had my own stresses of wanting to be a good mom. It set me thinking that I had to grow up somehow. What's more, Jay had had enough of the condition of the house, and started talking about breaking out our seldom-used paddle if things didn't improve. That got me a little worried about hurting my kid, and since you can find anything on the internet no matter how bizarre, I decided to put "spanking" and "pregnancy" into the search engine to see if anyone knew if it was safe. Wouldn't you know it, I came across sites like Christian Domestic Discipline. I read in fascination (and a little horror) how this was actually a lifestyle, that other people practiced this, and not just in foreign countries. And as I read, it struck me how different this lifestyle was from what we had. These wives actually submitted! And were happy! Some even hated housework as much as me, and learned to be able to keep up with it via this motivation! I knew I needed to change, both for my husband and my coming child. And I didn't think I could do it on my own, I've tried. So I thought about it, prayed about it a bunch, and finally decided to temporarily pursue this. I typed out a contract. It was to be for forty days, a kind of temporary boot camp, where for the first time, I'd submit to his leadership, so that he could teach me the skills I'd need to be a good mother and a better wife.

With trepidation, I approached him. "Honey, can we talk? In the room?" (We always would lay on the bed together to talk and unwind, or talk about serious issues).

"Oka-ay," he hesitated. What's this about?"

I swallowed hard. "I came to a conclusion about something important. And I need to read you this."
He shot me an exasperated look. He's always hated when I get what he calls massively emotional, and he has to hear me vent. And he both hates reading and hearing things read. "Okay, Sweetie. Fine, I'll listen to it if it means that much."

We sat on the bed, and I nervously pulled it out. The first thing he did was laugh, amused by the formality of it. But as I began to read, including my reasons for doing so, my thoughts on the subject, and the new roles we'd commit to, his laughter died, and he began to listen intently, nodding knowingly, even reading over my shoulder before I did. "Make sure you read that next part nice and loud," he surprised me by saying. "Because you know I'm going to hold you to it."

I gulped at his enthusiasm. Was I going to regret this? It would start that coming Monday. I was hoping I'd survive! When we finished going through it, and I made sure he had nothing more he wanted to add, I asked him what he thought about all this. Honestly, the guy looked relieved, like a burden had been lifted off his chest. "The truth is," he informed me, already trying out his new role, "if you hadn't come to me with this, I was planning on having a talk with you this weekend. I've been overly fed up with everything the way it is. So Monday, we'll see--we'll start this. I'll take this contract to refer to and know how to keep you accountable, you print out another one for yourself." And that was that.

That Monday, I was given a few tasks. My head was swimming with everything going on, and I didn't complete them. Jay came home, and immediately noted each thing. I fearfully waited. "Strike one, Strike two," he counted. "I've decided to do a strike system. The first one is a warning. The second you will probably be disciplined, but we'll see, largely dependent on your attitude. And the third makes it definite."

I know this may be hard to believe, but it didn't take long for me to get to Strike Three. The discipline hurt, but wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Of course, it was accompanied by a stern, "If this behavior doesn't change, next time will be harder." Double gulp. But what was the most amazing was the love that accompanied it. Maybe it was because I was choosing to submit for this, I don't know. But as I began to experience these disciplines, I was struck by his tenderness and wisdom. He wasn't abusing his power like I had feared. He was trying to help me.

I saw a change in him. He began to take more of a leadership role, he grew more protective of me, and cherishing. It was profound. And it changed my attitude about submission completely. I had thought it would be like a sentence of death that I'd endure the short time for the greater good of our marriage and family. Instead, I found I had a new respect for him, one that actually made me desire to submit. Totally opposite of everything I believed in. Now it was no longer just about him teaching me things. It was about reaching a level together I'd never imagined. So we extended it. Then we made it permanent.

It's been on and off because I have to admit I haven't been the best learner, and he had been frustrated, wondering if it's even effective (although he doesn't wonder as much now). He also hasn't liked to spank me (and when he does, I don't WANT to be spanked because that means it's serious!). Anyway, now he's getting more comfortable with his HOH role, and it's scary how well he's adapting!

So all that brings us to the present...

And So It Begins...

I can't believe I'm actually writing this. The thought indeed is scary, because all I've done is lurk on other blogsites for the longest time, too shy to even comment. But I need a place to process, so OMG, I'm taking the plunge. I welcome too, comments, especially from those wiser than me, who've been doing TTWD longer than I have. And who knows--maybe sometime I'll also get the opportunity to give someone the insight needed to make a positive difference. Or if nothing else, maybe my mistakes will serve as a warning of what to avoid, lol. But either way, here we go.

What's with the title? It's a glimpse into complicated me. I'm a Gemini. We're supposed to have two sides to our personality, not that I necessarily believe the stars govern my life. Anyway, I always thought that was especially wrong, since I'm the most transparent person ever. But there's nothing like DD to bring out sides of you you didn't know existed! I do indeed have two distinct sides to myself. Once I allowed my thinking to even go in that direction, I discovered my submissive self. Surprise, surprise, there are times I actually feel comfortable being submissive now, whereas our whole relationship I'd feared it. My husband is amazing. He's changed for me in so many ways. I owe it to him to change for him, not to mention I need and welcome his guidance! The role I once thought was abhorrent now comes naturally (okay, sometimes; okay, okay, occasionally).  Anyway, my submissive, angelic self kneels at his feet in adoration. She realizes she has a long way to go, but wow, the journey is worth it!

Then...there's my other self. That's the girl who still outwardly wears the halo, but every once in a while gets bored, shrugs, and decides to use it as a frisbee instead. It's the girl who comes out with the words "NOW", or "You heard me" or "Come here" or  "No", all spoken authoritatively. Or when warnings are given, she appears. She wants to charge ahead, just to prove she can. When told to do something, she might decide to do it (very little full-on rebellion here--I AM intelligent, for the most part), but with just enough of her way inserted in there and in her time, only to prove she's still calling the shots. Or when told not to do something, that's the one thing she HAS to do! I kid you not, it's like a compelling force! It's the girl who wants also to give up, to say this submissive thing is too hard, I'd rather be equal, thank you very much (or superior wouldn't hurt either). I'd rather stay where I am, and not grow or change.

These two sides of myself fight against each other constantly. My poor Jay. He has the daunting task of helping me sort them out, and helping me resist the temptation to give in to what I know will hurt me in the end (and in more ways than one!). Because it's not about me, it's about us. And as I realize it's so important, I'm determined to take the journey to learn all I can, as we both realize a lifetime of thinking doesn't reverse itself overnight. I'm determined to learn not to give in, when the going gets rough.

That's the journey I've committed to being on, and that I've been on for these past six months. During the first five, it's been experimental, even on and off. Now we've been stepping it up. Our roles have grown more serious, and so must my commitment. Since you're reading this, I'm inviting you to go along with me on this journey. But if you come along, you'd better fasten your seatbelt, because I'm predicting it's going to be a VERY bumpy ride. :)