So I kind of thought I wasn't going to be participating in "Ask Your Questions Month", because this March has undoubtedly been one of the most stressful months we've ever been through. But what can I say? Peer pressure got to me! And would you believe Jay has agreed to answer questions?! Yeah, I'm still in shock over it, too!
So...if there's any questions you've been dying to ask him (or me), even if you've never commented before, don't be shy! This is a once in an ever opportunity to read his perspective on things! I'm not nervous at all to find out how he answers, really I'm not... ;)
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
How NOT to Deal With It
What's the "it" I'm referring to? Well, one of the best gifts an HOH can give his wife, in my spank-no opinion. What?! No, not an implement, crazy person! I said in my SPANK-NO opinion! That's right, he gave me a break. Blessed freedom!!! A break from spankings, a break from discipline, a break from lectures, a break from rules, and having to listen all the time and be respectful...oh wait. That last part wasn't included? Hmmm, I could have sworn it was! Isn't that what break means? Yeah, you guessed it...
Apparently not.
But let me back up, because I'm sure you're confused. I know breaks usually happen because something within DD needs to be fixed. The wife may pull the consent card. But in this situation, I had nothing to do with it. This was Jay's decision as HOH. (Yeah, I can hear some of your envy! I have a husband that gives me breaks?! Yeah, I know I'm lucky!) But really, there was definitely a reason behind this. The amount of stress we've been under has been horrendous (thus the reason I'm only in blogland once in a blue moon now). Oh, just to clarify, the word "horrendous" can be considered an understatement.
And that was before we received the sobering news that Jay's job was in jeopardy, pending an investigation. We had to wait a week until we would find out. A couple days before our house was scheduled to close. I will honestly never forget the night we found out all this. It will remain vividly in my memory, just like all of those super stressful events that we've had to support each other, that God has gotten us through. Just like those other times, I struggled to hold it together for his sake, and miserably failed, finally crying my eyes out, while he held me. One thing I've learned from all this, is just how difficult his role as HOH really is. I don't want the responsibility that he shoulders. As we were lying in bed the night we found out, me wiping away tears, him comforting me, I thanked him for what he does. "Remind me of this moment when I complain next," I told him. "I know you work hard for this family, and I can't imagine you're under right now, and still you're taking care of us. I think I understand more how difficult your role really is, and I've sorry if I've minimized it, just because you're not the one that has to be spanked all the time."
"Oh Sweetie, you have no idea," Jay told me with rare raw emotion. "Some days there's perks, yeah, but some days it's really hard, and some days it feels downright near impossible. And you think I don't feel like I'm losing it as much as you do? And yet I have to not think about that, I have to keep it together, I have to protect you and Little Man. I'm responsible for the well-being of our family. To make difficult decisions when I don't want to. To be strong when I don't want to. And to do what it takes to take care of us.
"Which is why right now I'm making the decision the take DD of the table. I'm too stressed out right now, Kay, and I don't want that stress to cause me to swing harder than I should. You know I'm strong, and I won't ever discipline you unless I feel like I'm in control, for your protection. I don't feel in control right now, I don't want to hurt you, and so I just don't think spanking is the best idea for either of us right now."
"Okay," I said, not knowing what else to say. His voice was so vulnerable and full of pain.
"I'm going to continue doing what I need to do to take care of this family, the best that I can. And even though we're not doing DD right now, I need you to continue doing the best that you can to keep up the house and take care of Little J, okay?"
"Okay," I whispered again.
That night, I resolved to do everything in my power to do my part. I'd cook (probably should write a post on that, alone, that should entertain you!) and of course I'd keep up the house. I'd take care of all the paperwork for our new house, and all the requirements and hurdles, so Jay could be less stressed. Other than celebrating our break from DD by doing a few minor things I normally wouldn't be able to, I'd rise to the task just like he did. He needed me right now, and I would be there! (Cue superhero music).
We got through two days, almost. For those couple days, we treaded water, and we did our best to be there for each other. But then things sort of fell apart. I feel the need to sigh, because I don't understand myself sometimes. I did keep up the house that week (pretty much). I kept Little J happy, I did the paperwork I needed to do to the best of my ability, and I even cooked. I'm proud to tell you that part. No so proud to tell you the rest. I can blame it on stress, I suppose. When I get stressed, I become like a little kid. I become a brat (not to be confused with bratting, no matter what my husband thinks!). I act out and I fight him. Everything he says, actually. Not attacking him in full-out anger, exactly, unless I'm so on edge I feel like I can't deal with it anymore. But yeah, refusing to do what he says, or dragging my feet to do it. Oh, and I also admit I become a teensy sarcastic. A little more creative with my comebacks than usual, and a little bolder in actually voicing them. Particularly when consequences are removed! I suppose it makes me feel like I still have some level of control in this uncontrollable situation. I can probably dust off my college textbooks and find something in there about maladaptive coping strategies, or defense mechanisms like displacement. But no matter the reason, or what my rationalizations are, Jay doesn't deserve it. And I fully know that. Which, by the way, makes me feel even more stressed. Because now on top of everything else, I'm not being there for him like I should be. And roll, roll, roll goes the snowball down the hill. Ugh!
So yeah, fences down, no consequences for anything. Stressed out, and wanting to fight. Combine all that. What'd you get? Trouble? Yeah. I think Jay had had enough when that night I boldly shot him a "whatever". Can't say I was not ecstatic to break that rule! (Several times).
"Okay that it," my husband told me. "Lay down." As we were getting in bed to go to sleep, I was happy to comply. Then, "On your stomach," he clarified in that HOH-y tone I was not missing hearing.
I turned to him in surprise. "But we're on a break!" I protested.
"Just because we're on a break, doesn't mean you can blatantly break the rules, Kay! I've listened to you for two days treat me with disrespect, fight me with every turn, and even blatantly disobey me! You're obviously asking to be spanked, so I'm happy to do that for you."
"I am not!" I protested. "I just thought I didn't have rules anymore!"
"So that's the argument you're choosing to go with? That you're deliberately breaking the rules just because you can? In essence, taunting me?"
Whoa, not a good road for him to be going down! "NO, no no! I'm not taunting! I was just, um, enjoying my freedom!" My ex-freedom?
"So what? You're just going to backslide on everything we've been working on, and blatantly do the opposite? Geez, why does he love that word "blatantly" so much? Then his next words cut me to the heart. "Do you think I need that right now? Do you think we as a couple and a family need that right now?"
I sighed. "No," I said softly. I had to admit he was right, but still, I didn't want to be spanked over it! "But you said you're not spanking because you don't feel in control right now!" I stalled.
"I'm totally in control right now, and I need to address this. You need to lay down, Kay. It won't be a lot, it's just a reminder, but you are going to take it. As unfortunately it appears you need it."
I did as I was told, and he did what he had to do. Just a couple hard swats, but ugh!
Afterward, as he held me, he relaid down the ground rules. "Yes," he affirmed, "Even though I'm better in control at this point, I still want to put things on a break right now, we're going through enough. I was hoping I didn't have to go here, but I guess I do. I'm letting you know: I am still going to spank if I see it's a deliberate effort on your part to break the rules, do you understand?"
So yeah. We were on break...sorta. And again, I tried to do what I was supposed to. Really I did. But we soon found ourselves back to square one. Not with saying "whatever", but definitely respect. And instant obedience. And after that, yet again. Sheesh! I really feel bad about this, by the way. It's actually even hard to write about. I'm not really sure why I act out so much when I'm stressed. Why do I place that stress on Jay, when it's the LAST thing I want to do. And yet, still I find myself doing it! Do I need a brain lobotomy? Is that why? Arrrghhh!
So anyway, yeah. If your husband ever decides to give you a break from DD, DON'T use me as a role model. Treasure it as a gift, just not too much (it's best to pretend it doesn't exist even, if you're like me). Otherwise it's not likely to be around long! No freedom for me, anymore! Apparently I can't handle the fences being down. And Jay finally had to cancel the break idea. Completely. After less than a week.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like not to have that internal struggle all the time! To be able to have a goal and not have to fight myself to reach it! I do hate spankings but that pales in comparison to my greatest fear. My greatest fear is that we will turn on each other in resentment. Jay has promised he won't let that happen. And we do DD largely to guard against that happening! But in times of stress, when I find myself feeling so out of control, that fear sometimes comes back. And Jay reminds me yet again, we're in this together. But I still want to get beyond the point where I don't do stuff like that! It should be exactly the opposite, ya know?
I should say that since then, after a week of nail biting waiting, he was vindicated at work. More stressful things have happened with the house, and with a whole lot of other things. We're still struggling to hold on (and I'm struggling to stay out of trouble, again, ugh). But we're getting through...with God's help, and each other's support. We didn't do too well this morning, for instance. But we didn't let things stay that way. So I guess, even though I mucked up this break thing, things could be a lot worse. :)
Apparently not.
But let me back up, because I'm sure you're confused. I know breaks usually happen because something within DD needs to be fixed. The wife may pull the consent card. But in this situation, I had nothing to do with it. This was Jay's decision as HOH. (Yeah, I can hear some of your envy! I have a husband that gives me breaks?! Yeah, I know I'm lucky!) But really, there was definitely a reason behind this. The amount of stress we've been under has been horrendous (thus the reason I'm only in blogland once in a blue moon now). Oh, just to clarify, the word "horrendous" can be considered an understatement.
And that was before we received the sobering news that Jay's job was in jeopardy, pending an investigation. We had to wait a week until we would find out. A couple days before our house was scheduled to close. I will honestly never forget the night we found out all this. It will remain vividly in my memory, just like all of those super stressful events that we've had to support each other, that God has gotten us through. Just like those other times, I struggled to hold it together for his sake, and miserably failed, finally crying my eyes out, while he held me. One thing I've learned from all this, is just how difficult his role as HOH really is. I don't want the responsibility that he shoulders. As we were lying in bed the night we found out, me wiping away tears, him comforting me, I thanked him for what he does. "Remind me of this moment when I complain next," I told him. "I know you work hard for this family, and I can't imagine you're under right now, and still you're taking care of us. I think I understand more how difficult your role really is, and I've sorry if I've minimized it, just because you're not the one that has to be spanked all the time."
"Oh Sweetie, you have no idea," Jay told me with rare raw emotion. "Some days there's perks, yeah, but some days it's really hard, and some days it feels downright near impossible. And you think I don't feel like I'm losing it as much as you do? And yet I have to not think about that, I have to keep it together, I have to protect you and Little Man. I'm responsible for the well-being of our family. To make difficult decisions when I don't want to. To be strong when I don't want to. And to do what it takes to take care of us.
"Which is why right now I'm making the decision the take DD of the table. I'm too stressed out right now, Kay, and I don't want that stress to cause me to swing harder than I should. You know I'm strong, and I won't ever discipline you unless I feel like I'm in control, for your protection. I don't feel in control right now, I don't want to hurt you, and so I just don't think spanking is the best idea for either of us right now."
"Okay," I said, not knowing what else to say. His voice was so vulnerable and full of pain.
"I'm going to continue doing what I need to do to take care of this family, the best that I can. And even though we're not doing DD right now, I need you to continue doing the best that you can to keep up the house and take care of Little J, okay?"
"Okay," I whispered again.
That night, I resolved to do everything in my power to do my part. I'd cook (probably should write a post on that, alone, that should entertain you!) and of course I'd keep up the house. I'd take care of all the paperwork for our new house, and all the requirements and hurdles, so Jay could be less stressed. Other than celebrating our break from DD by doing a few minor things I normally wouldn't be able to, I'd rise to the task just like he did. He needed me right now, and I would be there! (Cue superhero music).
We got through two days, almost. For those couple days, we treaded water, and we did our best to be there for each other. But then things sort of fell apart. I feel the need to sigh, because I don't understand myself sometimes. I did keep up the house that week (pretty much). I kept Little J happy, I did the paperwork I needed to do to the best of my ability, and I even cooked. I'm proud to tell you that part. No so proud to tell you the rest. I can blame it on stress, I suppose. When I get stressed, I become like a little kid. I become a brat (not to be confused with bratting, no matter what my husband thinks!). I act out and I fight him. Everything he says, actually. Not attacking him in full-out anger, exactly, unless I'm so on edge I feel like I can't deal with it anymore. But yeah, refusing to do what he says, or dragging my feet to do it. Oh, and I also admit I become a teensy sarcastic. A little more creative with my comebacks than usual, and a little bolder in actually voicing them. Particularly when consequences are removed! I suppose it makes me feel like I still have some level of control in this uncontrollable situation. I can probably dust off my college textbooks and find something in there about maladaptive coping strategies, or defense mechanisms like displacement. But no matter the reason, or what my rationalizations are, Jay doesn't deserve it. And I fully know that. Which, by the way, makes me feel even more stressed. Because now on top of everything else, I'm not being there for him like I should be. And roll, roll, roll goes the snowball down the hill. Ugh!
So yeah, fences down, no consequences for anything. Stressed out, and wanting to fight. Combine all that. What'd you get? Trouble? Yeah. I think Jay had had enough when that night I boldly shot him a "whatever". Can't say I was not ecstatic to break that rule! (Several times).
"Okay that it," my husband told me. "Lay down." As we were getting in bed to go to sleep, I was happy to comply. Then, "On your stomach," he clarified in that HOH-y tone I was not missing hearing.
I turned to him in surprise. "But we're on a break!" I protested.
"Just because we're on a break, doesn't mean you can blatantly break the rules, Kay! I've listened to you for two days treat me with disrespect, fight me with every turn, and even blatantly disobey me! You're obviously asking to be spanked, so I'm happy to do that for you."
"I am not!" I protested. "I just thought I didn't have rules anymore!"
"So that's the argument you're choosing to go with? That you're deliberately breaking the rules just because you can? In essence, taunting me?"
Whoa, not a good road for him to be going down! "NO, no no! I'm not taunting! I was just, um, enjoying my freedom!" My ex-freedom?
"So what? You're just going to backslide on everything we've been working on, and blatantly do the opposite? Geez, why does he love that word "blatantly" so much? Then his next words cut me to the heart. "Do you think I need that right now? Do you think we as a couple and a family need that right now?"
I sighed. "No," I said softly. I had to admit he was right, but still, I didn't want to be spanked over it! "But you said you're not spanking because you don't feel in control right now!" I stalled.
"I'm totally in control right now, and I need to address this. You need to lay down, Kay. It won't be a lot, it's just a reminder, but you are going to take it. As unfortunately it appears you need it."
I did as I was told, and he did what he had to do. Just a couple hard swats, but ugh!
Afterward, as he held me, he relaid down the ground rules. "Yes," he affirmed, "Even though I'm better in control at this point, I still want to put things on a break right now, we're going through enough. I was hoping I didn't have to go here, but I guess I do. I'm letting you know: I am still going to spank if I see it's a deliberate effort on your part to break the rules, do you understand?"
So yeah. We were on break...sorta. And again, I tried to do what I was supposed to. Really I did. But we soon found ourselves back to square one. Not with saying "whatever", but definitely respect. And instant obedience. And after that, yet again. Sheesh! I really feel bad about this, by the way. It's actually even hard to write about. I'm not really sure why I act out so much when I'm stressed. Why do I place that stress on Jay, when it's the LAST thing I want to do. And yet, still I find myself doing it! Do I need a brain lobotomy? Is that why? Arrrghhh!
So anyway, yeah. If your husband ever decides to give you a break from DD, DON'T use me as a role model. Treasure it as a gift, just not too much (it's best to pretend it doesn't exist even, if you're like me). Otherwise it's not likely to be around long! No freedom for me, anymore! Apparently I can't handle the fences being down. And Jay finally had to cancel the break idea. Completely. After less than a week.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like not to have that internal struggle all the time! To be able to have a goal and not have to fight myself to reach it! I do hate spankings but that pales in comparison to my greatest fear. My greatest fear is that we will turn on each other in resentment. Jay has promised he won't let that happen. And we do DD largely to guard against that happening! But in times of stress, when I find myself feeling so out of control, that fear sometimes comes back. And Jay reminds me yet again, we're in this together. But I still want to get beyond the point where I don't do stuff like that! It should be exactly the opposite, ya know?
I should say that since then, after a week of nail biting waiting, he was vindicated at work. More stressful things have happened with the house, and with a whole lot of other things. We're still struggling to hold on (and I'm struggling to stay out of trouble, again, ugh). But we're getting through...with God's help, and each other's support. We didn't do too well this morning, for instance. But we didn't let things stay that way. So I guess, even though I mucked up this break thing, things could be a lot worse. :)
Monday, March 5, 2012
Turning Point (Again)
So I should've written this post a week ago, but with my son recovering from croup so bad it turned life-threatening, dealing with the crazy buying a house process, and all the other stress we're under, posts might be way delayed. This one, though, I wanted to make sure I wrote, no matter how long it's been, because the whole thing was very important, and I need to make sure I remember it.
DD hadn't been going well, to put it simply. And when things aren't going the way they're supposed to, sometimes we need to step back and see if things need...tweaking. It happens, sometimes. This time, I admit a lot of it was my fault. I had come back from being gone a couple of weeks, still high from the feeling of no responsibilities. I have to admit I wasn't feeling like going back to DD or submitting at all! It was nice to not have all those pesky rules to worry about! So when I came back, I had to test the boundaries to see if things, maybe just maybe, had changed. If maybe I could just keep not obeying the rules. Nothing big, just a bunch of eye rolls, and maybe not doing things immediately (or at all). Just little things like that. And you know what I discovered? I could get away with it most of the time! Ha! So yeah, not a good attitude to have, kind of a recipe for disaster.
But the deal was that Jay has been tired and stressed and most of the time, he let things go. Now that would've been all well and good except he has remained very HOHy in the way he talks. So yeah, he made a lot of threats of my coming doom, and sometimes I believed him. I'd get nervous, even agitated, believing that this time he'd follow through...tomorrow, or in a couple of days, anyway. Always on edge wondering when.
I guess I should mention that delayed punishment drives me crazy. At least it used to (now it only does sometimes). I mean, it was BAD, though. I couldn't focus on anything else, except what would soon be happening. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't think. And never knowing when was torture. So, being the problem solver I am, I developed a way to deal with it. I adopted a handy-dandy defense mechanism. What is it, you ask? It's simple, really. I just turn off caring. I live in the moment, completely. Hakuna Matata. In fact, a lot of times I don't think about a consequence until its actually happening. It's great, living worry-free and all that. The eensy weensy problem with this though, is that when I'm in that mode, punishments don't really deter all that well. 'Cause I'm not thinking about the future, even as near as it may be. Oh and there's an absolutely fun attitude that comes with such a way of thinking. Well, fun for me. Understandably frustrating for Jay, though.
Adding to all this, a lot of times, like more often than not, Jay would end up not following through at all. So during the times I would be lectured and told what my consequence would be, I'd struggle not to roll my eyes and laugh (don't do that, by the way, not the brightest thing to do), as I listened to his empty threats.
My friends would ask if I'm in trouble, and I always had to shrug and say, "not sure, guess I'll find out later, probably not" and that was usually how it went. Que sera, sera, ya know?
Well for a DD wife that hates spanking all this may look great on the surface, even to me. I mean, who's really in control? I am, of course! Which is a great position to be in! The competitive part of me loves that winning feeling! And hey, less spankings? Cool with me!
But then I began to notice the other effects, and they were far from positive. Biggest of all, was the resentment that was developing on both sides. Jay was upset that I just didn't seem to care about listening anymore. He was frustrated, and that frustration was manifesting in him being less invested in the discipline aspect (except to still talk a big game). He had enough stress without the whole punishing ordeal, and he just didn't understand why I couldn't just do what I'm supposed to because I love him. To him, I completely regressed since I got back, and he just didn't know what to do to handle it. So instead of dealing with it as an HOH, he went back to old patterns of holding it in, and...holding it against me. Never good, by the way.
I guess I should take a few minutes to speak to the HOH's reading my blog, because if your partner is anything like me, maybe I can help you understand something. My husband wonders why I just can't do things because it benefits our family, and sometimes I wonder the same. And he's right, I should be that mature. If I could find a halo that would just stay affixed to my head, I probably would be able to! But seriously, if it were that easy, I wouldn't need the boundaries DD gives! For those who are like me, whether spanko or spank-no, we like to know where the fence is. There's a security there. Mass of confusion = bad. So just to let you know, we're going to search for that fence! And FYI, guys, just because you say the fence is somewhere doesn't mean jack. It should, yes. But again, some of us are not strong enough to think that way in the face of something bright and shiny daring us to step further than you say, when nothing most likely will happen.
Much like when pretty much anyone sees a posted speed limit sign, we don't actually see the 60 or 40 posted there when determining how fast to go. We see, say, 69 or 44, depending on what area and how strictly the law is upheld, and we keep within that boundary. The line for speeding is not based on what's posted, but instead on how much we can break the law without getting pulled over. Make sense? And it works the same way for us, whether on a conscious or often subconscious level. So if you want it to be a rule, make sure it's enforced as a rule. Empty threats don't work, nor do ones meant for shock value to motivate. We know our husbands too well to know when there's a good chance you won't back it up, and it sometimes produces the opposite effect, at least with me, since empty threats make me attitudey. I think it's because in my case it feels like an insult to my intelligence, and sometimes too, I resent being made to feel all agitated when I don't have to be. So yeah, consistency, though we may hate it in the short run, is important for the long run. Not saying there can't be mercy and leniency, though. Those have their place too. But there is a big difference between a specific situation where mercy or leniency is used (it can be very effective, by the way), and a haphazard not following through. And we do know the difference! Just my two cents on the subject.
Okay, getting back to what was going on in our situation: while Jay was responding the way he was, I, on the other hand, was seeing my husband go through massive stress, made worse by me, and wanted to help. But this defense mechanism I'd developed got in the way, and combined with my resentment that things had changed between us, and the confusion that now surrounded our roles, I couldn't do what I wanted to do, even when I tried to. Which made me feel low and more stressed, and even more like giving up. Which made him feel even more resentful and defeated. Thus the vicious cycle continued.
I knew we desperately needed to talk and either take a break from DD, or fix what was wrong.
This produced a conundrum for me though. You see, you have a talk about a little more consistency with someone like my husband, and you know what's likely the result? Stinkin way more than you would ever want consistency! I know this from experience!
And did I really want to give up my control? Couldn't I just be happy with the way things were? I mean, it's great having control, right? Did I really want to go back to spankings every freakin time I didn't listen just so we could get rid of that stupid resentment?
And I realized something. I had begun to treat DD like a game. A game where I gave him power then saw it as my challenge to figure out every possible way to prove I really had the power. To see if I could succeed at one-upping him.
Which is just the way we used to live, competing for control. And I'll toot my own horn--I was good at it! But the thing is, we started doing DD to get away from the resentment present from living under that kind of relationship. And now the same thing was happening? I had to do some hard thinking and ask, then what's the point of DD? Where's the benefit, and therefore, why should I be submitting or taking spankings at all? I realized I could leave things the way they were and continue playing this stupid game where I submitted when it suited me, or I could grow up and collaborate with my husband at finding a solution, even if it meant I'd hate it in the short run.
Having that talk was super hard. I couldn't talk face to face, it was just too difficult to be that honest. So I let him relax in bed, and as it happened to be pretty cold that night in the room, I huddled on the floor for a few minutes in front of the heater. Perfect excuse, hee hee! I poured out my heart, and we talked. Well, I mainly talked and he mainly listened. After, he addressed an issue via paddle, and then we did some...um, bonding time. But I didn't feel into it. I felt like we'd exposed the problem, but did nothing to figure out a solution.
So Jay took me in his arms and asked what was still wrong. Then, face to face this time, we discussed it. He came up with a idea that while effective, would also be pretty sucky for me in the discipline department! So I wheeled and dealed, and we compromised, til we ended up with a plan that was manageable for him to do in spite of the stress we were under, and that I could agree, though still sucky, was fair and would work. So yeah, new way of doing things now. I don't like the increased discipline while it's happening, nor not being able to win, and having to submit all the time or else, but honestly, to be in this better place, I'd trade all of that for this any day.
Because we're a team once more. The resentment for both of us is gone, and with it, my decidedly unsubmissive attitude. Well, for the most part. Apparently, according to my husband, we've got a ways to go before I'm back to where I'm supposed to be. But we definitely both agree we're on the up and up. And just to make sure that continues, he did even more tweaking of things this week. Apparently, even if motivation from my newfound change of thinking doesn't work, a new evil implement will...ugh!
But that's for another post. This one's way too long already. ;)
DD hadn't been going well, to put it simply. And when things aren't going the way they're supposed to, sometimes we need to step back and see if things need...tweaking. It happens, sometimes. This time, I admit a lot of it was my fault. I had come back from being gone a couple of weeks, still high from the feeling of no responsibilities. I have to admit I wasn't feeling like going back to DD or submitting at all! It was nice to not have all those pesky rules to worry about! So when I came back, I had to test the boundaries to see if things, maybe just maybe, had changed. If maybe I could just keep not obeying the rules. Nothing big, just a bunch of eye rolls, and maybe not doing things immediately (or at all). Just little things like that. And you know what I discovered? I could get away with it most of the time! Ha! So yeah, not a good attitude to have, kind of a recipe for disaster.
But the deal was that Jay has been tired and stressed and most of the time, he let things go. Now that would've been all well and good except he has remained very HOHy in the way he talks. So yeah, he made a lot of threats of my coming doom, and sometimes I believed him. I'd get nervous, even agitated, believing that this time he'd follow through...tomorrow, or in a couple of days, anyway. Always on edge wondering when.
I guess I should mention that delayed punishment drives me crazy. At least it used to (now it only does sometimes). I mean, it was BAD, though. I couldn't focus on anything else, except what would soon be happening. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't think. And never knowing when was torture. So, being the problem solver I am, I developed a way to deal with it. I adopted a handy-dandy defense mechanism. What is it, you ask? It's simple, really. I just turn off caring. I live in the moment, completely. Hakuna Matata. In fact, a lot of times I don't think about a consequence until its actually happening. It's great, living worry-free and all that. The eensy weensy problem with this though, is that when I'm in that mode, punishments don't really deter all that well. 'Cause I'm not thinking about the future, even as near as it may be. Oh and there's an absolutely fun attitude that comes with such a way of thinking. Well, fun for me. Understandably frustrating for Jay, though.
Adding to all this, a lot of times, like more often than not, Jay would end up not following through at all. So during the times I would be lectured and told what my consequence would be, I'd struggle not to roll my eyes and laugh (don't do that, by the way, not the brightest thing to do), as I listened to his empty threats.
My friends would ask if I'm in trouble, and I always had to shrug and say, "not sure, guess I'll find out later, probably not" and that was usually how it went. Que sera, sera, ya know?
Well for a DD wife that hates spanking all this may look great on the surface, even to me. I mean, who's really in control? I am, of course! Which is a great position to be in! The competitive part of me loves that winning feeling! And hey, less spankings? Cool with me!
But then I began to notice the other effects, and they were far from positive. Biggest of all, was the resentment that was developing on both sides. Jay was upset that I just didn't seem to care about listening anymore. He was frustrated, and that frustration was manifesting in him being less invested in the discipline aspect (except to still talk a big game). He had enough stress without the whole punishing ordeal, and he just didn't understand why I couldn't just do what I'm supposed to because I love him. To him, I completely regressed since I got back, and he just didn't know what to do to handle it. So instead of dealing with it as an HOH, he went back to old patterns of holding it in, and...holding it against me. Never good, by the way.
I guess I should take a few minutes to speak to the HOH's reading my blog, because if your partner is anything like me, maybe I can help you understand something. My husband wonders why I just can't do things because it benefits our family, and sometimes I wonder the same. And he's right, I should be that mature. If I could find a halo that would just stay affixed to my head, I probably would be able to! But seriously, if it were that easy, I wouldn't need the boundaries DD gives! For those who are like me, whether spanko or spank-no, we like to know where the fence is. There's a security there. Mass of confusion = bad. So just to let you know, we're going to search for that fence! And FYI, guys, just because you say the fence is somewhere doesn't mean jack. It should, yes. But again, some of us are not strong enough to think that way in the face of something bright and shiny daring us to step further than you say, when nothing most likely will happen.
Much like when pretty much anyone sees a posted speed limit sign, we don't actually see the 60 or 40 posted there when determining how fast to go. We see, say, 69 or 44, depending on what area and how strictly the law is upheld, and we keep within that boundary. The line for speeding is not based on what's posted, but instead on how much we can break the law without getting pulled over. Make sense? And it works the same way for us, whether on a conscious or often subconscious level. So if you want it to be a rule, make sure it's enforced as a rule. Empty threats don't work, nor do ones meant for shock value to motivate. We know our husbands too well to know when there's a good chance you won't back it up, and it sometimes produces the opposite effect, at least with me, since empty threats make me attitudey. I think it's because in my case it feels like an insult to my intelligence, and sometimes too, I resent being made to feel all agitated when I don't have to be. So yeah, consistency, though we may hate it in the short run, is important for the long run. Not saying there can't be mercy and leniency, though. Those have their place too. But there is a big difference between a specific situation where mercy or leniency is used (it can be very effective, by the way), and a haphazard not following through. And we do know the difference! Just my two cents on the subject.
Okay, getting back to what was going on in our situation: while Jay was responding the way he was, I, on the other hand, was seeing my husband go through massive stress, made worse by me, and wanted to help. But this defense mechanism I'd developed got in the way, and combined with my resentment that things had changed between us, and the confusion that now surrounded our roles, I couldn't do what I wanted to do, even when I tried to. Which made me feel low and more stressed, and even more like giving up. Which made him feel even more resentful and defeated. Thus the vicious cycle continued.
I knew we desperately needed to talk and either take a break from DD, or fix what was wrong.
This produced a conundrum for me though. You see, you have a talk about a little more consistency with someone like my husband, and you know what's likely the result? Stinkin way more than you would ever want consistency! I know this from experience!
And did I really want to give up my control? Couldn't I just be happy with the way things were? I mean, it's great having control, right? Did I really want to go back to spankings every freakin time I didn't listen just so we could get rid of that stupid resentment?
And I realized something. I had begun to treat DD like a game. A game where I gave him power then saw it as my challenge to figure out every possible way to prove I really had the power. To see if I could succeed at one-upping him.
Which is just the way we used to live, competing for control. And I'll toot my own horn--I was good at it! But the thing is, we started doing DD to get away from the resentment present from living under that kind of relationship. And now the same thing was happening? I had to do some hard thinking and ask, then what's the point of DD? Where's the benefit, and therefore, why should I be submitting or taking spankings at all? I realized I could leave things the way they were and continue playing this stupid game where I submitted when it suited me, or I could grow up and collaborate with my husband at finding a solution, even if it meant I'd hate it in the short run.
Having that talk was super hard. I couldn't talk face to face, it was just too difficult to be that honest. So I let him relax in bed, and as it happened to be pretty cold that night in the room, I huddled on the floor for a few minutes in front of the heater. Perfect excuse, hee hee! I poured out my heart, and we talked. Well, I mainly talked and he mainly listened. After, he addressed an issue via paddle, and then we did some...um, bonding time. But I didn't feel into it. I felt like we'd exposed the problem, but did nothing to figure out a solution.
So Jay took me in his arms and asked what was still wrong. Then, face to face this time, we discussed it. He came up with a idea that while effective, would also be pretty sucky for me in the discipline department! So I wheeled and dealed, and we compromised, til we ended up with a plan that was manageable for him to do in spite of the stress we were under, and that I could agree, though still sucky, was fair and would work. So yeah, new way of doing things now. I don't like the increased discipline while it's happening, nor not being able to win, and having to submit all the time or else, but honestly, to be in this better place, I'd trade all of that for this any day.
Because we're a team once more. The resentment for both of us is gone, and with it, my decidedly unsubmissive attitude. Well, for the most part. Apparently, according to my husband, we've got a ways to go before I'm back to where I'm supposed to be. But we definitely both agree we're on the up and up. And just to make sure that continues, he did even more tweaking of things this week. Apparently, even if motivation from my newfound change of thinking doesn't work, a new evil implement will...ugh!
But that's for another post. This one's way too long already. ;)
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