Preggo Whining

I got spanked yesterday.



I know, I'll give you a moment to take in that shocking news.



It was for a few things. One, Jay caught me filling out the list of things I did during the day, that is supposed to be filled out every two hours, right as he walked in the door. Oops. The other thing though was the lack of things I actually got done during the day.



I'm trying to avoid getting in trouble tonight again, so I'm processing. And yeah, wasting time to write a blog post might well guarantee I'll get spanked again, thus seeming counterproductive. Lest all of you yell at me, I'll just say I'll try to process fast, k?



The list part is completely my fault. I didn't take it seriously because I hate doing it, no matter how much I know it helps me. And because it hasn't been enforced much lately. Jay let me know last night that sometimes he wants to see if I'll do it on my own, without it having to be enforced. Just because I know it's a good thing. Yeah I miserably failed that test. At least I did it today though.



Okay the other part is what I struggle with.



This is also where you get to hear me whine about how miserable I am. And I recognize it's whining. In the grand scheme of things, my pregnancy is going well. I'm not in the hospital, I'm not having massive complications, things could be worse. But, well, I'm so miserable right now. It's hard to get through each day. And sometimes I feel like I'm losing it. I hate feeling like I have the flu every day. I hate feeling nauseated every moment, unable to even sleep. I hate feeling like a truck ran over me, so tired everything is so much of an effort I'd just rather not do it. And the idea that I'm going to have to continue to go through this every day for the next month makes me want to put my head under the covers and never come out.



My husband is trying to be supportive, but increasingly getting frustrated with me, too. He lives by the principles of "pain is weakness leaving the body," and "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." He doesn't give in to how he feels, he pushes through no matter what. And he doesn't understand my inability to.



I admire Jay's self discipline. In fact, I'm actually in awe of him. It's kept him alive in circumstances I can't even begin to understand. Yeah, he doesn't understand what it's like to be pregnant. I tried that argument. And of course he shut me up really quickly. He's lived through starving for weeks on end without food, eating jelly on cardboard just to stay alive, because unlike the other street kids, he wouldn't sell himself for something to eat. He's had food poisoning so bad from digging in dumpsters that he thought he was going to die, and yet couldn't even sit down to rest on the sidewalk, because the cops don't like street kids "loitering", and make them "move on". And that's two examples of hundreds of situations that he's been through, so many that he won't even tell me. And always, he's pressed on. He's developed the ability to ignore pain, ignore emotions, and ignore even feeling tired, to keep focus. It's the reason he's survived, and more than survived.



I on the other hand am like the princess in The Princess and the Pea. I hate being uncomfortable in any way. I don't know how to push through in spite of how I feel. And I can be honest, I know it's a character flaw of mine. When I feel sick or tired or uncomfortable, I'd rather just give in to it. Lay down and do nothing. I don't even like being cold. I huddle in a ball, immobile. My husband finds it amusing, when he doesn't find it annoying.



So yeah, being pregnant, with its constant discomforts, is really hard for me. I know I have responsibilities. I have a son that depends on me. And my husband can't do absolutely everything. Besides which, it's not like I can just be laying down for two months. I HAVE to learn how to push through it, no matter how I feel right now. And just in case I'm not excited about learning this ability enough just for the sake of my family, Jay has said that he has to, he'll just make sure I won't want to sit down. Eep.



He's trying to not be unreasonable though. He expects a minimum of three hours daily of working on stuff. I just don't know how to do even that, though. I work for only a little while, and I'm so tired, I feel I can barely move. Even after doing yoga or taking a walk I feel the same way. Not to mention even more nauseated.



So yeah I'm discouraged. I know if I do my best, Jay will be fair. But right now I don't even know what my best is.



Anyway enough venting for now. I better get back to stuff. Force my way off the couch, and get something accomplished.



Wish me luck.








BTW anyone know why posts I put up don't show on Google Reader for like six to eight hours after they're published, no scheduled anything? I've just noticed that's what's happened with the last several posts. I think I noticed it first on the LOL Day post lol that didn't show up until the next day. Not a big deal, I figured it's just because Google hates me, but I wondered if there was a solution. :)