Here's the Deal...

If you didn't see last post, I neglected to do something super important, that I've been warned about was the most serious offense if I didn't do it, and was told that the agreed upon consequence would be happening. It was going to be very severe, not brutal of course, but worse than I've ever gotten before. And yes, he made that extremely clear, BEFORE it happened. Just apparently it didn't get through all the way. Sheesh.

Anyway, that day, he took my hand, and gently led me to the bedroom. Instead of what I expected, he laid down on the bed, and had me lay down beside him. And then proceeded to tell me he had been thinking a lot, and if I was in agreement to the terms, then he would not be spanking me. But he warned me that the terms were pretty steep, and in no way was I getting off scott-free.

I was elated, relieved, shocked...well I thought I was shocked. Until I heard the terms of the deal. That was the real shocker for me, especially how detailed and serious all of it was. A week of no tolerance for anything, no matter how small. A week where my submission would be required in every area, like it never has been before. Nothing freaky deaky or humiliating, but definitely...new. And definitely well thought out rules of what would be required of me. Like, where did he get this stuff from? Especially since he doesn't read online at all? If he can come up with something like this, what really goes on in that crazy brain of his? Seriously! I'm still scratching my head, trying to wrap my mind around all of it.

Because, yeah, this was a total curveball thrown at me, something we've never talked about before. I'll stay away from labels, like my husband did, but if I was looking for one, it wouldn't be hard to come up with one, for what this week could be considered! Well, okay. I'll just go ahead and label it Hell Week. I think that's pretty appropriate! Because I've been in trouble so much, it's been tough sitting down. And I've definitely got to figure out some better survival skills since I have a long ways to go before this week is over! Ugh!

Don't get me wrong, I'm super thankful he changed his mind about that monster spanking. And I would have paid any price, he knows that! (that meanie totally used that info against me! Pout). But this feels like in some ways like, well, long exquisite torture. After all, I'm not naturally good at submitting (I know, I know, that's a crazy shocker about me, huh?). Really I'm not. And this whole experience is making that come to light with massive clarity! I have to say, my attitude hasn't been the best about the whole thing. It could be because I seem to be perpetually in trouble. This week hasn't been easy, and it's not intended to be. Nothing beyond the boundaries of consent, or even nearing it, but, frankly...it's just been hard.

Yesterday, Jay came and sat on the couch with me, after I had given him an eensy weensy bit of attitude about something. Okay, much more than an eensy weensy bit. But I was frustrated, more at myself than anything else. I also felt like challenging him, and sometimes attitude is the way I do it. I hate to admit that. Sigh.

Instead of immediately addressing it, as he has been doing, he just looked at me, and shook his head. "Kay, what's with the attitude?" he asked, his voice full of sad frustration.

"Nothing," I said, turning away. "This week just bites!" I pouted.

"Kay," he continued, "I'm trying to do what I think is right, and I don't get your response. I gave you mercy because I saw you were so upset, and I thought this was a better way to address it, one that could also help us for the future. I know this is hard for you. But what, do you think this week is easy for me?"

Easy for you? Hmmm, let's think about that one. Yeah, you must be the one being laid over counters and the couch and the bed to be paddled all hours of the day? And you have the gall to talk about it being hard for you? Poor baby! Geez!  Wisely, I kept those thoughts to myself, as well as the accompanying eyeroll I could have given it.

"No," I answered.

"I know things are tougher than you're used to. But you agreed to this, right? You agreed to all of it."

"Yes," I answered again.

"And yet you don't seem to get that I'm actually doing this for us, to try to break habits entrenched that I've let slide for way longer than I should have. I know you don't like it, but I do think that this week will help. And I know you're not going to like hearing this, but, you need to know, some of the stuff will stop, but the consistency of a lot of the things we start this week won't be just going away. We have to change some things for the good of this family and for our marriage. You know that. We've talked about it. We just haven't done anything to address it.

"You know, I'm trying really hard not to be an ass. I could of taken away your computer and phone free time completely or brought down to one hour but I didn't. I could be much harder about things that I am, but I'm trying to be merciful and understanding, even in the midst of this. But you are not making it easy! And you're forcing me to take action that I don't want to do! Don't you get that? Don't you get that this week doesn't have to be as hard as you're making it?"

His tone held real emotion, and his eyes pleaded for me to listen. And in that moment, I felt something hard break within me. I was reminded again, that even though this week is stretching us both, my husband is not the enemy, that he's actually on my side. And that I don't have to fight him every second! (I know! What a concept, huh?). That I need to adjust my thinking. Seriously, it's easy to forget that we're in this together as a team, when he's the one wielding the paddle. I need to be reminded once in a while, that isn't easy for either of us, and that we support each other, and work for, not against, each other.

So anyway, I've got some real stuff to think about and hopefully help out my perspective in getting through this week. I know it still won't be easy, but maybe keeping that in mind will make things a little bit easier. :)

Waiting...For the Punishment of My Life

My thoughts are completely disjointed right now. Sorry about that. The gist is, though, I screwed up. Very, very badly. And because of that, I'm waiting for a very serious punishment. It's not something Jay wants to do. But this is something he can't let go. I was warned that if I did not do this certain thing, the consequence would be severe. He thought I understood, and would take this seriously. I thought the same. But then last night happened.

The ironic thing is that my husband was planning to do a pretty serious punishment anyway for something I consider pretty trivial, but he considers important. He thought I needed a serious reminder to help me not do it every second of the day. To get through my apparently thick head that this action = bad. I was nervous about it. Yeah, I thought that would be tough. Ironic, huh? Apparently as he says things can always get worse! Ugh!

I got a serious lecture last night. One that left me in tears. The rules Jay makes are not arbitrary, especially this one. It's necessary for the well-being and safety of our family. For our young son that depends on us for everything. I put his well-being in jeopardy last night because I failed to take care of something I should have. I got distracted, and I was thinking of other things. It didn't seem that big of deal. Until I saw what happened. And saw just how big of a deal it really was. And so, yeah, I earned what I'm getting. Sigh.

All of this was supposed to be resolved last night. Knowing the effect on me, Jay would never have voluntarily made me wait for a punishment of this magnitude. But his back was hurting him so badly, he could barely move. So circumstances being what they were, he apologized sincerely that I was going to have to wait, assured me of his love, and held me tight, as I cried myself to sleep. A conglomeration of absolute shame over what I let happen, and anxiety over taking this punishment. Jay told me not to beat myself up over this. That it was a mistake, and just as long as it never happens again, everything's okay. I'm trying to hold on to that. Trying.

My son is okay. The worst of what could have happened didn't. But yeah, he's right: this ABSOLUTELY CANNOT happen again. Jay is going to make sure of it, and because of the gravity of the situation, I fully agree with the sentence I've received. I agree with it, but that doesn't mean I'm not really truly nervous.

It's official: this is going to be one for the books, folks. Jay made that very clear. And regardless of my knowing the need for it, this is when DD is the hardest. Going through a situation like this. I'm trying to give myself the pep talk right now, the massive benefits of this lifestyle, that I wouldn't trade for anything. But it's not fully working. I'm not scared for my safety or anything. Jay would never do anything to compromise that, and I trust him completely. But that doesn't mean this won't really, really, really hurt! And it should, I know. But I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through it, no matter how much I agree.

I could tell last night this won't be easy for Jay either. He may be a spanko, but this is not a situation an HOH ever wants to deal with. He loves me with all his heart. Still, though, this lifestyle we live...it's not a game. He has to enforce this. Has to. That's his job, and it's not an enviable one. I know that. With my head, anyway. Knowing that doesn't seem to make things much easier though. I know he'll be there for me through it, and afterward, he'll hold me and make my world right again. He also promised a real warmup, which is something he never does. He said he doesn't think I'd be able to handle what I need to take without one. Yup, it was a comfort til he said that. Shudder.

So anyway, that's where I'm at now. Waiting. Trying not to tear my hair out. Holding on to the fact that I will get through this, we will get through this together, and everything will be all right in the end...

One of Those Days...

Hi everyone! It's me, Kay. Yeah, I know, I know. I've been...what did my friend call it? Oh yeah, "bump on a blog." I do have a good reason though! It's because...um...well actually...nope, I got nothin'. All I can think of is that my muse thought it a brilliant time to go on vacation. Humph.

Not that life hasn't been topsy turvy. It has, and way more than when I was working! Plus, I never knew keeping a toddler (with a newly discovered stubborn streak--from his father, no doubt). safe and happy, could be so downright exhausting! Will someone share their secret of how they do it?

The stress of all of it sometimes gets to me, when combined with everything else, especially lately. And yesterday was one of those days. Really, I should have been ecstatic. When it becomes a gorgeous white wonderland outside, a rarity for us, the whole city shuts down (no one can drive in snow here), and as a result, Jay was able to be home with us all day.Yay! Or in this case, not as yay as it should have been.

Anyway, I'm not sure what happened. I'm sure already mildly being in trouble had something to do with it. Then there was the fact that a few of my friends were going through stuff. Stuff that I wish I could fix, but couldn't. Drives me batty sometimes to not be able to do anything.. Not only that, but the day before, it had fallen to me, via chance, to finally tell Jay's sister, once and for all, that we can't cosign for her house, and there's a strong possibility she will hold this against me forever. I'm relieved about this being settled. It's been stressing me out for over a month that this was a horrible idea, to the point where I haven't been able to sleep, and Jay listened, even though it meant possibly losing his sister over it (Yes, she's that petty.). So yeah, I'm cool with taking the blame for it, glad to even, but at the same time, it still sucks! I don't get people like that sometimes, really I don't. Sigh.

To add to all that, I found out yesterday that in trying to do the right thing and take care of our family financially, I may have made a bad decision and cost us the ability to get a house of our own. I was feeling like everything was on my shoulders (how do our HOH's handle that feeling? It's horrible!).

And inevitably all these things led me to more than anything want my father to help make this better, or at least be there for me to vent to. I miss him every day, but at times like this, I miss him so much it physically hurts. Even though it's been now a year and a half since he died, it's hard for me to accept that he's truly gone. Death sucks, ya know? Sometimes i wonder if I'll ever get over it.

All this to say I was in pure "scratchy-cat" mode all day. That combined with an "I don't really care WHAT you say" attitude. Not a good combo! And poor Jay got scratched quite a few times by my outstretched claws.

"Kay, what's wrong with you?!" he asked time and time again.

"I'm stressed," I growled.

He tried to help. I chose not to accept it. Instead, I hid in my phone all day. I didn't listen when he told me what to do, even though one of the things was a task from yesterday that I had not gotten done. I may or may not actually have told him that I didn't care what the consequences were, and to leave me alone. Yikes.

Well finally my husband had had enough. He had given me space, but this was beyond that. I was disrespectful and antagonistic, not to mention disobedient. He took my phone from me. Quickly he typed in "I've gotta go" (or something like that) as a way of saying goodbye to my friends (since I happened to be on chat at the time), then closed it out. "No more phone or computer for the rest of the night," he announced. "And I also want you to go to the bedroom right now so we can fix this."

I stomped, not walked, off in the direction of the bedroom.

"Oh really?" Jay asked. "That's the way you want it? Okay." His voice was resolute, and I didn't like it. "Assume the position, so we can talk," he said, after shutting the door, and reaching for the paddle.

Suddenly reality kicked in. I did what I was told, but then I struggled."I can't, Jay! I'll talk, I promise! Just please! I can't take this right now!" I pleaded, starting to cry.

"Okay," Jay said, putting the paddle away. He let me vent. He let me feel his love. I relaxed finally, and let him help me. I let him be the HOH.

We started to watch a movie, before things with our son took precedence. While it was on, I watched a party scene, and mused, "I wish we had some sweet wine! Honey can't you go get some? Please? Please?"

"Aww, poor Sweetie," Jay teased. He doesn't get it, of course. He hates alcohol of any sort. "The place closed already anyway," Jay laughed. "It's late. Sorry."

"Dang." I pouted. After a while, he announced,"I'm going to go get dinner, and some Dr. Pepper (he lives on the stuff), and I'll be back, okay?"

"All right," I said. He came back five minutes later. "Geez, I hate looking younger than I am," he grunted, getting his ID. Then he left again. Well, that made me think! Was he actually getting me wine? That's not a normal thing for us! (except the occasional attempts at bribery, lol!).

When my husband got back, he put the meal he had bought in the oven, then brought out the wine that sure enough, he had bought. "It's the same wine that I brought to the party and wouldn't let you have," he explained. (If you're lost, you can read that post here.

I know, I can hear the chorus of "awwws" and "that's so sweet!" Yeah, that's exactly what I thought too...and then guilt set in. Like, how horrible is that that they do that to us?! You're treating them so awful, and then they go out of their way to shock you with how they cherish you, and make you feel so bad! It would leave me absolutely infuriated...if it didn't make my heart melt so much! Big sigh.

I did ask him if the day could be forgotten. "Oh, I'd like to," Jay responded, "but Sweetie, you were pretty horrible. So yeah, I gotta do it, and I know you're not going to like it. But we'll deal with that later, okay?"

Thank God for the defense mechanism of being able to put it out of my mind! (well, it's both a blessing and a curse, but that's another post). We had a wonderful night, watching the rest of the movie, and after we got our son to bed, spending some time together in our jacuzzi (quite fun in the snow!). He purposely waited a little while, watching his anime (gag), and letting me get on my phone.Then finally he addressed the day.

It hurt a lot, and, I must admit, rightfully so. I may have been stressed, but I didn't have to be such a brat about it. I took my frustration out on him, something that's never constructive for our marriage. Instead of letting him comfort and hold me, I fought everything he said, not caring about his feelings, or how much I was hurting him. He assured me that he's the HOH, and that I need to let him be that. We would work it out, and I needed to trust him.

Now everything is right again. Provided that I can get off the computer, and get done in the next hour the task that still has to be finished from a few days ago... :)