Don't Tell Me What to Do!!

You know that feeling don't you? He says something HOH-y, and it's the last thing you want to hear.


Me too.


Even after over three years sometimes I still forget. Slip into denial. Especially in times like these. And it doesn't matter what it is. I could have been intending on doing it anyway on my own. Still, because he said it in THAT tone, I bristle like a porcupine. And snarl like a badger.


"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!"


My poor husband.


He looks at me half in confusion, half in amusement. "Kay, it's my job," he reminds me.


"Oh yeah," I mutter, trying to remind myself, convince myself in time to salvage things before they turn dangerous, if I haven't crossed that threshold already. "Sorry." Then, after another moment, "But you know I don't have to like it!"


Jay just shakes his head, once again trying to make sense of his stubborn wife.


I know, I know. I live this lifestyle, and I better learn soon. You'd think after this long it wouldn't be so difficult. But I don't know what happens to me when I'm working. It's like I completely lose my head. Maybe there's security in being a working woman. More likely it's the stress that comes along with it, that makes everything else momentarily pale in comparison, even other realities in my life. 


Every year about this time I work pretty solidly, almost every day. I've been doing it the past six years, because, not only does it give us needed money, but it's also super fun.


Except this year. Some things have changed, and it's been nothing but stressful. My managers, who are also my friends (on a shallow level anyway), have been weirdly power trippy and it's taken everything within me not to tell them off. Particularly because I've done their job, even for this, and there's no reason for it. We're all each other's managers at times depending on the gig, our industry is unique that way, and they seem to have forgotten that. But being things are how they are now, and with them looking like they're here to stay for this particular thing long-term, I'm actually wondering if this is my last year doing this. I'm hoping maybe so.


The other night, after a particularly bad day, I collapsed in my husbands arms and vented through tears. I didn't think I was that strongly affected, but I guess I was. And yeah, even though I feel better, I know my nerves are still taut as a bowstring. Ready to zing an arrow any moment.


Or more accurately, wanting to zing an arrow. Does that make sense?


When I'm stressed, it destresses me to be defiant. Not so I can get in trouble (geez!), but because it assauges my pride. I'm still trying to understand this about myself, even with all my psychology background.  It's a basic fighting for control, sure.  But as someone who's agreed to being a DD wife, with everything that goes with living that dynamic, it also possibly makes me borderline bat crazy.


Now yes, if I stop to think, it helps to think about that he doesn't deserve this, that I love him and want to show I respect him. I think that way more and more. But in so many instances, I'm apparently not thinking at all. Nor does the threat of a spanking work. I'm not thinking about pain. It seems far far away. Or if anything, I'm thinking I'm not giving him the satisfaction of giving in, I can't let him think I'm afraid of a consequence! I'll do the opposite to show my lack of fear! I'll stand strong, come hell or high water, or paddles or even bathbrushes...


Yup, bat crazy.


I do the opposite a lot. I'll admit it.


And then, as reality hits right before a punishment, I of course think how could I have been so dense. How could I have forgotten how BADLY this hurts? Dang that "Hakuna Matata" philosophy I seem always to adhere to! And even more so, how badly I hurt us, even him by my pride and self-centeredness? Ugh.


Jay is a wonderful guy. He lets me have quite a bit of leeway when I'm stressed. He knows it's a struggle for me, and he strives to meet me halfway. He's comforting when I need it. But when he feels it's time to take action, it isn't pleasant.


Sometimes, like last night, it's a not-so-serious reminder that I can't wrap my head around taking, and so it's turned into way worse. No rolling my eyes. Geez, how many times does he have to tell me? How many times do I have to keep telling myself?? And he says lately I've been pushing the fence. What fence? There's a fence there? All I see is a open field beckoning me to run and be freeeeeeee!....Ow, oww, ooowww, oh I see it now, I promise, I promise!  Sheesh, I wish my mind would work for me in this lifestyle instead of against me.


For now things are back where they are supposed to be. I'm hoping that at least I've got my head on straight for a few more days. I've only got to work this stupid job through Sunday and then I'm done. Then I can breathe. Destress.


Phew.


And on to the holidays, with a Christmas-hating Jay who I swear destresses via spanking me, home for a few weeks! It's a wonderful time of year with no stress whatsoever, and no history of the most severe punishments taking place...



Oh, who am I kidding?


I'm doomed.




At least until the new year, anyway. ;)

LOL!

Nope, not laughing at you, promise.


The LOL stands for "Love Our Lurkers", the day dedicated to all of you who would like to join us, but still are in the shadows, unsure of whether it's ok to comment. Today's the day we coax you out and welcome you to this wonderful community!


I wasn't going to participate with everyone because lately I haven't been able to be a part of Blogland hardly at all, but some friends convinced me, and they're right, so here I am. Because this day is super important. You're important, dear lurker!


Today we celebrate you!


Before I started this blog, I wrote my thoughts in a notebook I have. I stopped doing that and started this blog instead, because we're so much stronger supporting each other than we are by ourselves. More than anything else, I write now so I can help others. I'm hoping you learn from my mistakes (or at least be entertained, ha!), and gain some insight you may not have known. So if that's happened, make my day and let me know! Not to mention, I've gained so much from hearing other perspectives. And because of that, I love to hear what others have to say. What you have to say!


So please feel welcome. Leave me a comment, let me know what you're thinking. And if you don't feel comfortable enough to do that yet, email me at kayandjay4ever@gmail.com. I won't bite I promise. I will give you a cyber hug though.


And have a Happy LOL Day! :)

Catching Up A Moment

Hey everyone. I know, I know! It's been eons since I've last written. Which is why I thought I'd better pop my head up for a sec and give a friendly bark hello before everyone thinks I'm gone for good beneath the tumultuous waters that describes my life right now.


August and September were a whirlwind for me. I was helping my brother with his business, good sister that I am, and it was long hours and often far away, so I hardly saw my husband at times. In fact, there were times I wasn't able to come home for several days (yay for no chance for spankings, hee hee!). And then that ended, and I was home again. I was a little nervous about the transition back to being housewife and rules and all that, which is always difficult. But I thought at least I'd get a chance to rest, breathe for the first time in I don't know how long, maybe renew. At least enough to cope with what I knew I was going to be facing. No such luck on that one though.


October has just been, well, ugh. You know the expression "When it rains, it pours?" Yeah, that. And not just talking about the weather outside. I've never liked this month anyway, and this one has just seemed more dark than usual. I think I'm holding my breath til November, hoping and praying no more unexpected things will be piled on to what I'm already facing. Because I'm not sure how much more I can take.


October started out with me knowing it that it wasn't going to be exactly a carefree picnic. Because of transitioning back to our roles, yes, but also heavily because of an issue my husband and I have disagreed about for a long time that I'd finally come around to at least being resigned about. In short, my husband won me over to his side to see that he was right, but not without me really not being excited about it. That would have been enough to keep me up nights and struggling with stress. But then I got several shocks, and things happen, right in a row, that made my current stress look minute in comparison. Most of it I can't talk about on here, being a public blog, since I'm pretty sure Jay would fillet my butt if I did (abuse disclaimer: well not really, but you know what I mean). But I will say that I've had to come face-to-face with some of my greatest fears. Emotional fears, not things like spiders. Well, actually being that it is October, that too, a really big one in our bathroom that I can no longer find, eek, but I digress.


The truth is my confidence and self-esteem got shaken, in a way the I've never had to face before. I even found myself wrestling with doubt about my worth in both God's eyes and my husband's eyes, which I've never before thought possible. But I was kind of blindsided I think, and I'm still trying to process everything. Even just that one thing would have been stressful. And then so many things added on, in such a short time span, I got to the point last week where I couldn't even cry. I felt just numb from it all. That's when I opened up a piece of mail dealing with another huge shock of something dealing with my father-in-law that was now hugely affecting us, and I began to shake uncontrollably. I managed to dial my husband's number (he was actually out in the garage helping his dad with something), and when he came in, he just held me. I'm so thankful he'd happened to take that day off, because if he hadn't, I don't know how I would have coped. But he decided we needed that day to spend some time as a family, since he could see I was nearing the breaking point, and also to get away from what was going on at work for a day. Jay imparted to me his strength, assured me that the worst wouldn't happen, he'd make sure of it, and by that night, both with my husband's help and God's intervention, things got a little more manageable at least.


Since then, it's been learning to deal, and be okay with stuff. Oh and learning that when you're being careless enough to run to catch the walk sign when crossing the street, and your so-called running shoes have no traction against the slick wet pavement, that momentary slowed-down feeling of flying may be freeing, but it's likely to end up with you connecting with that evil pavement in a way that's quite painful. In this case somehow falling on my head. Ouch for days.


I'm actually doing well I think, in trying to keep perspective, since I know it's not unusual for this kind of thing to really really affect a person. I'm trying to listen to truth, rather than all the emotions I'm dealing with right now. I've even had to face that's God's timing of finding all this out was perfect, and even though I'm facing things from my husband's past, things that are stupid and unfair, I realize the man he is now is worth all of it, even this.


And Jay, at least, has been my rock. Well up until lately, since work is super stressful right now, and now I think, we're leaning on each other for dear life, I think. But he's been there for me through all this in a way I don't think he could have done three years ago, maybe not even a year ago either. He's been tender and sweet and affirming in the way I've needed most. He's judged wisely and given me leniency when he knew I needed comfort instead. And other times, insisted consistency was what I needed so I wouldn't spiral. I don't always appreciate it at the time, but I do recognize it, as hard as it is to say.


Speaking of, yeah, the DD side of things hasn't changed much, its still that day-to-day struggle, same as always. Some days I have a better handle on submitting than others. I'm still having trouble rolling my eyes unfortunately, and yes, I know, I know I should go read that cautionary post the angel part of me wrote a while back. Maybe read it several times? I try to remember how serious an issue it is. In my defense though, I do think he goads me with some of the crazy stuff he says. Not serious HOH stuff, but off the wall goad-worthy stuff, like he's daring me to respond. Yesterday I told Jay that I couldn't help it, that my eyes are allergic to BS (Okay yes, maybe not the wisest statement to tell your HOH. And yeah, I know it sounds bad, but you should have heard what he said first!). Still a rule's a rule's a rule, and it's not allowed even in play, not in this house. And I get his point, but I still need something to do in the moment, ya know? So, smart people, if you've got alternate suggestions of ways I can react that won't fall under that rule but still make me feel better in the moment (even if I only get to use it one time, ha!), I appeal to your genius.


Oh I almost forgot. I've been meaning to share for awhile now this awesome present my wonderful friend Kady got me but haven't gotten the chance:

Is that perfect for me or what?! It's of course proudly hanging up in our house. Jay definitely loves it, appreciates it tolerates it. It does sometimes make the poor man shake his head, can't imagine why. And then he'll mumble something about how stubborn his wife is. But knowing my husband, I'm sure secretly he finds it amusing, even if he doesn't say it, ha!


And it definitely makes me smile!



So anyway, that's it, you're all caught up. I'll try to get caught up on your lives soon too. And I'll really try hard not to stay away as long. Miss you all!

Three Years Going Strong and Counting...Because of You

Today is our three year DD anniversary. I probably should say how much I've grown this past year, but honestly that's not the easiest subject for me to talk about at the moment. So instead I want to focus on why we're still going strong. Besides my wonderful husband, who truly has grown so much especially this past year, the biggest reason is because of all the support I've gotten. So I'd like to take a moment to call some people out. You may feel like you're listening to an awards speech, but the truth is, I would never have been able to keep up this journey without support of friends to vent and tell me the truth and role models to look up to. So here we go, not by any means a comprehensive list of people specifically mentioned, because otherwise this would be too long with a list of chores that are waiting, but I have to call out just a few who have especially made a difference:



Well first, I have to thank one of my best friends, not only in DD, but now in real life too. She knows who she is, I don't need to say it. But without her, I don't think I could have lasted long in this lifestyle. When you're as stubborn as I am, especially in the beginning, there's a lot you need to process through. And this friend has laughed with me and cried with me, listened to my venting, cheerleaded me and challenged me, pretty much every day. I thank God every day for her. There are not even words to describe how blessed I feel to have her in my life, and I hope everyone has someone like that, because it really makes the difference.


His First Mate. I can't not mention HFM. She was the first person who I actually met from blogland. We were actually supposed to write about it at the same time but she never did her part of it so that account is still in my drafts (glaring at her across the miles). She was also the person who helped me overcome so much. She encouraged me to get beyond my intimidations and see what I could really accomplish. Those who know me well know that it was only less than a year and a half ago, that I didn't even know how to make spaghetti. I didn't know even where to start to begin to clean my house less than two years ago. DD was helping, but Jay claimed not to be a teacher, and I ended up just being overwhelmed and not knowing what to do most days. HFM helped me get out of that. She helped me on the phone day after day after day after day to accomplish so many things step by step. And she told me what I needed most to hear (even when I least wanted to hear it, ha!). Her words and ability to break things down gave me the confidence I needed to learn how to do so much that I couldn't figure out on my own. Yes I had to listen to worse lectures from her than I even heard from Jay sometimes, but without her help, I would not be where I am today, I have no doubt about it.


Stubborn, Stubborn? You here or are you lurking, ha? I haven't known Stubborn that long, but wow what an amazing blessing she is! And not just because she does, well, make me feel a little less weird for some of the reasons I find myself in trouble (yep, misery loves company!). But also Stubborn is one of the coolest and most generous people I know. There's nothing she won't do for someone, including using her awesome chef abilities to help me when I most need it. Or encouraging me to do some wacky thing that she knows will help me but normally I'd shy away from. She's the definition of a true friend, and I know she always has my back.


Mick.Those who know me well know that I wouldn't even be doing DD were it not for reading his first posts and seeing so much of myself in his wife Lynda that I decided to give it a temporary shot to see if it would work for me too. Over the years I've actually reread those first posts that gave me hope so much when I've been discouraged that had they been on a piece of paper, they would have been dog-eared and probably torn up. If fact the ones I actually printed out are in pretty sad condition by now, lol. I also used Mick's blog to understand my husband's perspective. Sometimes you need a guy's view on things, and it helped me so so much, just like it's helped so many others, I have no doubt!


My NPA and Network family: Especially in the beginning, when we were still only beginning to find our way, I so needed those many nights of laughter and support. I used to hate even missing a night, because it meant so much. And I remember so many times that I'd log on after I'd gotten in trouble, and they would give me perspective, make me laugh, and yes, be my cheerleaders. They got me through some incredibly difficult times and still support me, as so many of the friendships I made on there have continued on still (although there's so many of you that I miss too!!). They're the ones I can call up or text when I'm having a hard time. Who will encourage me. Make me laugh. And do things like sending me an implement that looks scary but doesn't hurt! (I was so grateful Rogue, even if the relief was only temporary, ha!). Become a cyber auntie to my son (love ya, C!). And even offer to come visit and make things easier if/when I have another child (I'm holding you to that, Blondie!). And so many others who have been with me on this journey. Who don't want to hear an answer like "fine" or "okay" but really care where I'm at. Who will distract me with funny stories and hand me a cyber yummy cocktail (complete with fruit and umbrella!) when I've had a bad day. I am so thankful for their presence in my life.


Susie. What an amazing person. She's one of the people I admire most. How does she keep up with everyone? Have you noticed that? She goes out of her way to make everyone new feel welcome. The first year in blogland I tried to do that. But I couldn't keep up without getting in trouble every day and I had to stop. There's so much of me though that wants everyone to feel as welcome and special as I was made to feel. Susie does that, and makes me feel so much better when I can't. She and her husband are also such example in our community, and often a role model for me. Plus reading MM's perspective on a HOH's role to Jay helped him understand some new ways of looking at it that I'll always be grateful for.


Kady. The first time I wrote about my struggle with ADHD because I needed to vent, I think I was actually shaking as I pressed publish. I thought I would be laughed at. At the time, I felt completely alone, not just in the DD community, but also anywhere. I felt like half a person, and other than my brothers (to a point), there was no one that understood, even my husband. She wrote me a long email back explaining that I wasn't alone, not even close. That not only did she struggle with it, but so many in Blogland were like me too. I actually cried hard, it meant so much. That was very early on, the first time I realized I had a home in this community. That there were those that understood me. And she still remains a good friend and so much a support.


All of you, my blogland community that I'm so blessed to be a part of. This past year I haven't been able to write much, even when I've had so much to tell you, and I've felt super guilty about it. But just because I haven't been able to write as much as I wish I could or comment as much as I wish I could, doesn't mean that you all don't mean so much to me! And every comment you write means so much. I can't tell you the amount of times your comments have brought me to tears as you explain similar stories or tell me words I've really needed to hear. You are all such an encouragement in my life. I love that I'm not alone, and I have this place to vent. I love the way that we can support each other. We're to be be envied. So many don't have what we have.


So thank you. Thank you all.



And now wish me luck! On to the start of my fourth year... ;)

Of Jobs and In-Laws

I quit a part time job I had today (well by the time you read this it will be yesterday, but as I write this it was earlier today). I don't know whether to smile or cry at the moment, I'm pretty divided. While I can't tell you what I do, I will say I work mainly short-term jobs for a lot of different companies. And that when I signed up to do this particular one, it was one of the craziest things I've done. Let's just say part of it for the first time involved cooking, which anyone who knows me knows I place slightly above swallowing broken glass. Taking this job was facing one of my greatest intimidations. I'm proud of myself for doing it, just to prove to myself that I could. But I can't do it long term.


To say this job has been stressful has been an understatement, largely because of my often over chaosed brain. One of these days I'll write about my cooking prowess or lack thereof. But I will say I've never worked so hard for a mere gig, no matter how long term, ever. And I've done a lot of jobs that are really stressful. I can't even count the number of spankings I've received because of this stupid job. Well, yeah, really because my attitude takes a flying leap off a cliff when I get stressed...(but still, because of this job!). I got the worst spanking I've ever gotten ever, because of this job (and a really really duh thing I did, that yes I'll write about sometime when I get time, at least if I ever get time, as long as you promise not to laugh too much at me, lol). And I think I'm also getting one tonight, because in preparing to train the person today that would take over my job, things became a super stressful snafu, and well...you can let me hide my shame in having to tell you and guess what happened, right? Yeah we'll just say tonight might not be pleasant and there will probably be a lecture about my "I don't care" attitude regarding being respectful when I get stressed. Sigh.


My life has probably gotten easier, now that that job is behind me, but still I have mixed feelings, and not just because of the perks I got from doing it. I hate quitting things. It was hard to admit that the world will not end if I pass on the responsibility. Part of me struggles against the "failing" feeling. And I don't know how the agency that hired me will treat me in the future, if I want to work again, doing something else. I've got to leave with my reputation intact, and at the second, I sort of just feel like a screw-up. Oh well. I guess it's in God's hands, right?


Not that I have too much time to think. I'm working for family tomorrow, and then working long long hours through the weekend for something else. If I can form a coherent thought on Monday, I'll begin processing through everything I suppose. At least that's the plan.



And speaking of plans, we finally have an action plan for getting my father-in-law out on his own. It's due to my brilliance. Okay well, that could also be termed loss of sanity. But you could say it turned out good ultimately, anyway. It did take a not so scenic detour through what seemed like a horror movie. But all's well that ends well, right? Geez though, still trying to recover from that too. The aftermath of the volcano that erupted after a year of holding back. Did I mention that volcano was named Mt. Kay? You probably figured that. In my defense it was a deadly cocktail of events. And literally too, to deal with said cocktail of events. A long long day of driving to another state six hours each way to hopefully buy something to fix up and send him on his happy way, only to find out it wasn't going to work. No sleep the night before. And PMSing major. Add some alcohol, and hearing how he wouldn't start cooperating at beginning to find a way to leave til after Christmas and I lost it. I told him exactly what I thought, and in a yell. Then I ran downstairs leaving my husband to deal with it, nice guy that he is.


Jay came to me later, cuddling me close, and explained what happened next. He said we were frustrated because we didn't see him trying. Jay said they reached an understanding and not to worry. His dad said he understood. Uh huh. He may have, but then he called his sister in the morning (like they didn't hate me enough before) and told her we were kicking him out. And refused to eat for almost a week. He stayed out in the garage, and I was scared he was dying out there. Jay told me he's starved himself to the point of needing hospitalization in the past. I didn't know it would get like it did. I felt guilty and angry and helpless. And even though I tried to make things right, there was nothing I could do to fix anything.


Now he's started to see reason again. I had mixed feelings about that too. I know it wouldn't have been a good situation, but there was part of me that would have been so happy to see him go back to his home state. But he decided to stay around. And get over his, well, whatever that was. So we have to deal with him for longer. But this time he knows he can't stay forever. Now there's a plan in place that will get him out hopefully before Christmas, that won't leave him crying about abandoning him. Things are starting to look hopeful. At least I'm choosing to feel hopeful.


So anyway, that's pretty much a recap of this month. I hope everyone is having an amazing summer. I'll try to get caught up on what's going on in blogland this Monday or early this week. I miss everybody and feel totally out of everything, so I'll try to remedy that soon. I'll also try to get promised posts up soon. Hopefully things will be calming down within a couple weeks. :)

Gone But Not Completely

As I'm writing this, tears are running down my face.



If you haven't heard, yesterday our corner of Blogland got a little darker. I say a little because although Bas has left us, his words of wisdom and his legacy are still with us. So while we are definitely grieving, at least we know he isn't truly gone, not completely.



I didn't have the privilege to know him that well. But like most of you, that didn't mean he didn't touch my life.


This is kind of weird to say but Bas kind of reminded me of my dad. Not the DD part LOL. But they had the same wit, and the same way of encouraging, even the same way of talking, or so I could imagine through his writing. Definitely the same personality. Even the last post he wrote, I was smiling through my tears reading it. If my dad had had a chance to say goodbye, he would've started it in exactly the same way. To the point LOL. And to not be sad, realize that death is just a part of life, and focus on the positive. 


Still it's hard to think that way when you lose someone who is so amazing. I had so much respect for Bas, I think it was impossible not to. He was one of those rare people in the world who could make you laugh, encourage you, and yet also get you to think, all at the same time. He made everyone feel important. He validated feelings always, but still always spoke the truth. He had such love for his wife Lisa and it showed through everything he wrote. He was genuine. He was the kind of man that I hope and pray my son grows up to be someday. A man among men.


Rest in peace Bas.


Thank you for the precious gift that you have been, to me, and to us, and for everything you have taught us.


We will never forget you. We'll continue to make this community the place you saw it to be, and hoped it to be. We'll continue to keep the torch burning as you've asked us to. And we will continue to learn from your words that stay with us, and the example you set for us.

Please Pray

So everyone has probably heard this but I just wanted to post it out there just in case there's somebody out there that hasn't seen this yet.

Christina from Red Booty Woman and her husband Jim need our prayers right now for their youngest daughter who is in the hospital right now with encephalitis. So please pray for their little girl. And for their whole family during this very difficult time. By that I mean this moment. Pause in reading this, and send a prayer, and then continue praying. That's the one way you can help right now.

If you aren't privileged yet to know Christina because you're new, you can take my word that she is one of the most amazing people out there, with the most incredibly generous heart. Both her and Jim are a wonderful couple and a role model in this community, and their influence has touched so many of our lives. 

So let's all give back and surround them with prayer and support. Just don't try to call or text so that they can keep lines open. Instead go to Christina's blog for updates and to leave messages. Rogue is keeping us updated with the latest info there. 

Thanks everybody! 

The Latest from My World

So life has kind of gotten away from me again and I've had to step out of Blogland; I feel so bad! The good news is it's because I'm a working woman at present and that's really helping my family. The bad news is is that I miss all of you terribly and I feel bad that I'm totally out of the loop on what's going on in your lives. You are all in my prayers though and hopefully soon I can catch up to all I've missed in our community and welcome all the latest newbies too. :)

The other bad news is that keeping up the house is becoming really difficult LOL, even with Jay's help. I feel I'm always playing catchup these days and not always succeeding. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. I don't even get to access Facebook or Pinterest or Google Reader hardly at all these days. 

Well except for right now. I've been down for four days and counting with a nasty bug, and thanks to the wonder of being able to have my phone in bed with me now that I feel a little better, I thought I'd write all of you a quick hello and update finally. A silver lining to every cloud, right? Even being sick! :)

We're actually doing well. God has blessed us so much. Jay is still respected at his job. I've been driving him crazy with all my jobs that I've been doing lately, because they've been very stressful on me, some perhaps too much, but we've needed them, and his encouragement and support has meant everything. 

My father-in-law is still driving us crazy, but at least we're in it together, and Jay feeling the same way as I do helps me a lot. And at least he sleeps in the garage now of his own choice. But beyond that there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. It's frustrating, but we're resigned to it at the moment.

Our adorable son is still a handful, being that he is still two, but I feel I can manage things most days. I can't say I don't live for the weekends though during times I'm not working, when I know Jay will be around to help me (and gain new appreciation for what I go through during the week, ha!). 

So that's about everything there is to tell.  

Oh yeah, this is a DD blog, huh? So I guess you want to know that part of it too, like if I've been staying out of trouble? Well the answer is, umm...actually, let's talk about something else! Like the lovely weather we've been having. Really beautiful with the sunshine and poofy clouds...

Sigh. Oh okay, if you haven't guessed it the answer to that whole staying out of trouble thing is no. But you probably knew that being the smart people you are. 

Jay has been all HOH lately which has meant, while he's been cherishing and encouraging, my poor posterior has suffered a lot, in the last month  especially. Yes, even while sick. Not eating for a whole day is apparently not acceptable. "Kay, you need to give your body what it needs to fight this off, and not taking care of yourself when you know how it affects you just because you don't feel like it is not acceptable" were I believe his exact words. Also assuming you can get away with doing and saying what you want just because you're sick doesn't fly around here either. And even though he took it easy on me because I'm not feeling well, it wasn't exactly pleasant. 

I'm trying hard to behave. The problem with working so much though is that I have a hard time transitioning back from work mentality and moreso too from letting work related stress consume me and affect my whole attitude. You know how I wrote last month about being stubborn? Yeah, more of that. He actually asked me the other night what was going on in my head, why I was doing the things I was doing. 

Anybody else notice that they take advantage of that time after a spanking when you're all vulnerable and cooperative? And sure enough, I didn't let him down. I told him exactly why, using my wonderful talent to perfectly decipher where my head subconsciously was at the time (too bad that talent tends to only work after, huh? Could save me a lot of grief, grrrr!). 

I told him the brutal truth as I realized it. That I liked standing up to him. That it gave me a sense of power to know that I had the guts not to back down. That I didn't like giving him the satisfaction that the threat of a spanking could control me so easily. And so I fight that loss of power and control with my passive aggressive, or when I'm PMSing/super emotional like that night, outright, defiance.

Jay of course reminded me I was looking at things the wrong way. I of course reminded him that those thoughts were only happening at the moment and subconsciously. In the long run I never wanted him to feel disrespected like that by me; I wanted what was best for our marriage and I know that that doesn't help us.

And oh I had of course with that admission stepped nicely into the trap! Can you guess what happened next? The clever man zeroed in on what I said, and declared that if I was truly serious about wanting what was best for our marriage, then I should agree that this needed to be addressed and stopped. Ever the Mr. Fix-it that he is, he said that he would just make spankings to be more memorable, so that that would be what subconsciously directed my thinking instead of my pride. 

Fantastic. 

So he's trying a new position and increased amounts, and UGH! Sometimes this lifestyle isn't easy. But I have to admit I do respect him, he's doing his job, I try to keep that perspective. I just wish he'd go back to being not as good at it, ya know? I'll say it again: Newbies, be careful what you wish for! ;)

Okay, well that's all my latest news! Now I'm going back to sleep to hopefully kick this stupid sickness. Have a good week everyone! :)

Stubborn Me

Ugh, ugh, and ugh! That's what I have to say about what I did last night!

I almost got away with it, I mean, um, he almost let things go. We were both in agreement, he was tired and didn't want to address it, and I was more than fine with that idea too. He vacillated though, something about how when he lets things slide, I'm always worse the next day. And I convinced him I'd be a perfect angel, enough for him to put the paddle away. Phew.

Until...

We were discussing a party I'm planning to go to tonight, and Jay was being what I saw as too HOH-y. I responded by getting ATTITUDE-y (I'll think up acronym meanings later, I'm pretty sure I can come up with something, ha!). Well, he didn't approve, and told me to roll on over.

It's funny. Struggling friends of mine hear this from me all the time like a mantra. Your attitude determines how he'll respond. Usually HOH's only respond with as much force as they need to make sure the lesson gets through. So if you're contrite, and they see you don't need to be "persuaded", it goes a long way in helping you! It's simple, really!

Anyway, I'm sure my butt sincerely wishes that I would take my own advice more!

The truth is I less than cooperatively complied. My husband responded to my glaring with his usual astuteness, something how what I was doing didn't help my cause. Yeah. Sigh. And then he made sure he emphasized that message thoroughly, as well as addressing what I had done wrong that day (forgetting to eat breakfast).

When it was over, I turned my face away from him and buried it into the pillows. He hasn't allowed that lately though. He told me to look at him, that I shouldn't be hiding from him.

"I don't want to!" I whimpered. "I'm so ashamed!"

"It's over, though," Jay tried to soothe, guiding my eyes to meet his.

"No it's not! It will just happen again! And the stupid thing is, it shouldn't have even had to happen! I almost was a able to g--"

"Check those words before you eat your foot," Jay reminded me, with a bit of a grin.

"'Get mercy from you' is what I was going to say,' I responded, grimacing.

"Uh huh, sure you were," he teased me. Then he got serious. "You know that you having the attitude of what you can get away with doesn't help us."

"Yeah I know," I sighed. "It's just you were going to let it go, and I screwed it up. Why is it that I can't handle you being merciful? What's wrong with me? Why do I always keep sabotaging myself? It's messed up! I'm messed up!"

Jay held me tight. "No, it's just you're stubborn, Sweetie," he observed. "You just can't give in, no matter what I say. Even when you want to give in, your subconscious fights it."

True. It is my middle name. No really, it is. When I was younger, I had a Bible that had the literal meaning of Biblical names. None of that "Blessed of God, Pearl, and "Living Fragrance" stuff they say for baby books. And apparently the Hebrew derivative of my middle name actually means "stubborn." Guess it's prophetic?

"Well that's it, then. Even you see it. I can't do this. I mean, we've been doing this for almost three years! We shouldn't need DD by now! I should be perfect. Why aren't I?"

"Because you're you," Jay said. "And I'm okay with that. But it does mean you might have to deal with us doing DD for the rest of our lives."

I'm sure my look said exactly what I was thinking.

"There are worse fates, Sweetie," Jay said cheerfully. "I can help you think of some to show you things are not that bad, if you'd like."

"No, it's ok," I told my ever imaginative husband. "I can think of some on my own."

"What being forced to test shark repellent, or" he named off a few more particularly imaginative scenarios. In spite of being in pain and upset, I had to laugh. "Do you seriously spend time thinking this stuff up or does it just come to you?"

"Just comes to me," Jay said, playfully trying to knot my hair.

"What I was going to say is that even being resentful of each other is a way worse fate. And I mean it. I don't like getting in trouble so much. And it's discouraging sometimes, especially since we've been doing this so long, and I see my other friends that go weeks without getting in trouble, and I so wish I was like that. But even if we have to do this for the rest of our lives, I guess I can live with it. It's just times like this that it's hard."

"Yeah I know, Sweetie. It's ok," he said, a little too sweetly.

His boyish charm was hard to resist, in spite of myself. I had to respond in kind. "You don't have to pretend to be sympathetic. I know you're fine with us doing DD forever, you spanko!" I half accused.

"Well good, I don't have to lie then. Great thing we have that garage as Little Man gets older, huh?"

Um, yeah. Just fantastic.


Still, I'm hoping I can get a rein on my stubbornness someday.

Maybe during the next decade?

All About Jay

I'm not sure who to credit with this post, but I've seen it going around and thought I'd contribute too, especially since I missed out on doing the last meme. Plus I love talking about my man! So here's all about the man I'm privileged to call HOH:

1.  He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen? Could be several things: one of our sci-fi, supernatural, or superhero shows. River Monsters or something similar. Anime (ugh!). Cartoons. A sci-fi or action flick.

2.  You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get? Bleu cheese

3.  The most striking thing about his physical appearance? Everything, my guy is HOT! (but I'm a little biased, lol). He has the quintessential "model" type sculpted face that women swoon over, so maybe that. Or his amazing blue eyes, which are often full of mischief.

4.  You go out to eat and have a drink, what does he order? Steak or a burger, depending on the place, and Dr. Pepper. Even if we're at a bar, his drink will always be Dr. Pepper.

5.  Where did he go to high school?  In Texas

6.  What size shoe does he wear? 12.5 or 13

7.   If he were to collect anything, what would it be? Hats (as in caps), he has a ton of them, and he says they all are about memories, as well as he likes to wear them everyday. Oh and fishing gear. He currently has enough to probably start a small store.

8.  What is his favorite type of sandwich? Smoked oysters and sardines with a splash of tabasco, cheddar cheese, garlic, and Claussen dill pickles (yeah I'm trying not to yak even as I write this, ewwww!)

9.   What would he eat every day if he could? The only answer I knew he'd jump to give cannot be printed here (blushing). So I actually asked him for an alternative answer, even though I think this meme is supposed to be done without asking him. He replied, "a solid protein form of Dr. Pepper if there was such a thing." (What?!! I think I'll stick to my answers from now on, lol!)

10.  What is his favorite cereal? Frosted Mini Wheats

11.  What would he never wear? Pink

12.  What is his favorite sports team? Magically, whatever team is playing my team (he doesn't like sports unless he's actually playing, but he loves heckling me, lol). 

13.  Who did he vote for in last election? Not telling 

14.  Who is his best friend? Me! :)

15.  What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?  Ha, unfortunately there's a lot, poor guy! Hmmm, let's see...taking forever to get ready when we're going someplace, taking forever in the grocery store, always having to have the last word, procrastinating on everything, there's a lot more, but that's what I came up with off the top of my head

16.  You bake a cake for his birthday; what kind? German chocolate cake or cheesecake

17.  What is his heritage? German and Swedish with a little bit of Navajo

18.  Did he play sports in high school? Yes, football, baseball, track, swim, basketball, wrestling, and rodeo

19.  What could he spend hours doing? Fishing. And if I didn't give him such a hard time about it, watching anime or playing video games

20.  What is one unique talent he has? A chance to brag, yay! Jay has a genius-level ability to problem-solve, find shortcuts, and fix anything, and by that I mean ANYTHING. At work, he's not in a position of leadership (they tried to train him to be a manager, but he doesn't want to because of the paperwork and long hours), but both his managers and team leads look to him for guidance and practically revere him, even though they've been working there for like thirty years and he's only been there less than two years. Even upper management of other departments know who he is and respect him. And whoever is on his team on any given day get done at least five times as much work as when they're not, because he helps them and motivates them.

So there you, go, that's who I live with. Never a dull moment in our house, and not only because of me, lol! 

Have a great week everybody! :)

My Job as Housewife

I know there are those of you out there that love nothing more than being a wife and a mother. I wish I was June Cleaver, I really do. But so not. It's hard for me to be a housewife. The Master's Degree earning, feminist part of me really hates that word, by the way. It goes against everything I've been trained to believe in. And maybe that's part of the reason why I struggle so much. I can't seem to stay motivated about daily tasks, about being a housewife, about cleaning and cooking (ugh, it is 2013, right? Why is it my responsibility?). Some of it is about my ADHD, and how hard this stuff is for me, and my fear of being inadequate, and hating not being able to concentrate on something that's so important. I don't believe I can do it sometimes and I'd rather not fail, thank you. But I know that ingrained way of thinking to fight this plays a part too. That dichotomy of thought is the reason I ask my husband for help, then pull away and do the opposite, then give up in self-defeat, then ask him for help again, and when he tries to give it, lash out, or try to outsmart him by doing it my way...yeah I feel sorry for him too. So I often go through this pattern of doing well for a moment, then sabotaging my own efforts and falling flat on my face. And especially if I do really well one day, it's especially hard to keep it up that next day! Like maybe I've used up my energy or concentration allotment for the next few days? I'm not sure. For those of you who get a task list as well, especially after one of those "or else" days, anyone else struggle with can't-behave-two-days-in-a-row syndrome? Ugh!

Yesterday I did everything perfect (bowing). Jay gave me little choice, if I wanted to be able to sit comfortably today. He gave me definite tasks that absolutely had to be done. And made daily offenses worth double. Something about how I needed a wakeup call. And how even though I'd gotten in trouble the night before yesterday for my less-than-instant obedience, he'd let task deadline infractions go that night with the knowledge of what he'd require the next day. So, very little choice. I honestly didn't think I could do it. But I worked hard all day, and I got everything done. I accomplished the near impossible. Just like he said I could. Yesterday night he thanked me for listening to him and doing everything he asked me to do. He also told me that I had just proved I actually could do it (oops, and I was tempted to leave just one little thing undone for that reason!). Of course, my husband knows me. He saw my response to that statement, and shook his head. And gave me a lecture on always doing my best and always striving to be better, not holding myself back so I wouldn't be accountable to work as hard. Ugh, but I knew he was right. I had high hopes for today.

Still, today I've done nothing. I've eaten on time so far, so that's a plus. But as far as tasks, it's like I've been powerless to do anything today. I've played on my phone A LOT. Talked to a few people. And now that my son is sleeping for the moment, I'm on the computer. Granted, Jay didn't give me specific tasks to do today. But I'm not an idiot. I know he still expects me to use my head and use my day to accomplish something. But my head feels fuzzy, and I just want to give into that fuzziness, not fight it like I'm supposed to. I don't feel like trying as hard as I did yesterday. And even though I know intellectually spankings hurt, I just can't seem to care at the moment.

I know, I know, I've got to snap out of it! But how?

Jay talked yesterday about ethics, how hard he works at his job, and I should be seeing this as my job too and giving it the same dedication. It's hard to think of it that way sometimes. Like he's my boss (who gets spanked by their boss?! Geez!). But it does help a little. It helps to see it as a job that I get paid for (not in money maybe, but in having a happy healthy environment for our son, and a grateful husband who feels loved and respected, eager to reciprocate, and even pride in myself, that I can do it), rather than seeing it as the endless thankless drudgery I confess I often see it to be.

And too, I don't want to play the "let's see what I can get away with" game that Jay called me on playing (I think, "everyone needs a hobby" was my response at the time, but then we talked seriously). That lecture actually hit hard, because I can now objectively understand how he feels disrespected by my actions. Especially when all he's trying to do, even when I don't appreciate it, is help. Plus I know when Jay sees me doing my best, even when my best isn't perfect, it takes a huge amount of stress of of him and off our family. Still, I'm not going to say it's not hard to keep that attitude when it's the last thing I feel like doing. When I'd rather be chatting with friends. Or escaping into a cool movie. Or doing anything at all besides this...ughness. This is when maturity comes in, I guess, choosing to do the right thing even when I don't feel like it. Hate that ethics thing he was talking about! Arrgghhh!

So I guess now I should choose to do my job. And accept the consequences for wasting most of the day. And try my hardest for the rest of today, and tomorrow too.

Which means it's my cue to leave, dang. ;)

In the Doghouse

Okay to all of you whom this concerns, cancel the search parties, I'm okay, I promise.

I've been in the doghouse for the past two days (anybody have a cute royalty-free pic for this they can help me insert, lol?). No one, even my best friends in this lifestyle, have been able to hear from me, since I don't have a deathwish. It's been absolute torture, and as I'm writing this, I feel like I'm about to go out of my mind.

The trouble started with a what-were-you-thinking-oh-wait-do-you-even-have-a-brain type moment (no it IS different than usual, geez!). I had a friend coming over in a couple days that wanted to see my new house, and I was trying to clean up the bathroom so it would be in good condition when she came over. I scooped up everything off the floor, and put it in a pile, intending to put it away soon: his bath toys, a shirt, a towel, a few things he had been playing with, that he had managed to snatch out of the cabinet before I closed it. But as often happens, I got distracted from putting these things away and when Jay came home, there they sat.

I was finishing dinner, so Jay went to put Little Man down to sleep without me, and was passing by the hallway to do so, when something caught his eye that my son had been playing with. "Kay," he said, his arms full of our son, "hand me that, please." I looked where he was clearly pointing to, and I'm pretty sure I went white.

After all my boasting to others on getting rid of all possible wooden "pervertables" that could be used as implements, including our bathbrush and wooden spoons, how in the world had I missed this?! And why was it sitting on the floor in the pile? Why not tie a big bow on it and hand it to him? Geez!

"Hand it to me, Kay."

"No!!" I stated emphatically.

Jay just smiled a little, put down our son, picked up the long, unattached, inch across, 1/4 inch thick, varnished wooden handle to my loofah brush, and then continued on with his task of tucking our son in, leaving me standing there frozen, horrified.

I went back to the kitchen feeling wooden, although my mind raced with anxiety. What was I to do now?

Just then, a friend called, and in a frenzy, I explained my dilemma, and asked for advice. She encouraged me to talk to my husband, to trust his judgment, to not do anything I'd regret later. Ha! No, not really. Neither did the other friend I was texting at the same time either. It was a sister solidarity moment, as I conspired with my friends on the best method to save myself from that evil thing. Not that it was their fault, it was totally me that decided what to do.

I crept downstairs to our bedroom, grabbed it OUT OF HIS IMPLEMENT PILE (eeek!), and hightailed it up the stairs again, hiding it in a cabinet. The plan that I had decided on was to tell him that I had broken it and thrown it away, to gauged how bad the damage would be first, before actually doing it. Then I could decide if to give it back or break it and be rid of the dang thing forever. Maybe the punishment wouldn't be that bad, and it would be worth not having to worry about that thing!

When Jay came up the stairs and asked me to produce it, I gave him the "I broke it" story and listened for the verdict. It was steep, horrible even, but liveable. And as my friend agreed, it was worth not having that thing in the house (I was still on the phone this whole time by the way, and discussing the situation, probably not the brightest idea, in hindsight).

After I hung up the phone, though, to talk to my husband about all this, he totally shocked me. His normal boyish teasing manner had faded, replaced by a dark cloud. He shook his head, sad and confused. "I can't believe you did that," he finally said. "Why didn't you just come talk to me?"

"Wait, you mean you would have listened? But I didn't know I could!"

"We could have discussed it! Instead you did this."

Well, after a few minutes, I was convinced, and I ended up giving it back to him, as well as showing him the loofah sponge I needed it for.  I knew I was in for it, but he wasn't going to tell me anything else until the end of the night. So we ate dinner, watched a few of our shows, and I just tried to put it out of my mind.

We revisited the topic though, as I sat in bed waiting to hear my fate. And that's when the grilling began. He wanted to know who I had been talking to at the time, although he already knew. I told him instead who I had been texting. His face just got more and more serious, as he pointed out that I was lying. I told him that I wasn't, that it was both. He wanted to know what they're opinion on the situation was. I downplayed it, and I could see he didn't believe me. I could also see he was super upset.

He started talking about playing games, and being conspiring, and being conniving, and lying, not once but multiple times...can I point out this is not usually me? I don't have really any secrets from my husband. I talk to him about everything, and by that I mean everything.

I could say that it was an unthinking act of self-preservation. Desperation. Figuring it was better to ask forgiveness later. It didn't seem that huge of a deal.

But it hurt him. It hurt him in way I've rarely seen.  He kept saying I didn't realize how big this really was to him. He trusts me completely. And yet that night, I shook his trust in me.

When I saw how it affected him, I felt crushed. I told him that I wished I could just take it back, that I would have come to him and rationally made my case, like I should have in the first place, that wished I could rewind time.

Jay told me he knew how that felt, that he felt that same way after he made a terrible decision that rocked my trust in him. I was shocked he brought it up, actually. I didn't realize that he had regretted it so much.

He did end up spanking me of course. It hurt a lot, yes, but it was lighter than he could have. The real punishment, he said, would be the next few days.

"I'm not taking away your phone, nor your computer. But you will not contact any DD friend whatsoever for the next two days. I mean it, Kay. No letting them know that you can't contact them either. Don't even try loopholes, because there aren't any that will work. Let me be clear: no calling, texting, emailing, IM-ing, commenting on blogs, posting for friends to see, nothing! Do you understand? Have I made myself clear?"

"Yes."

And then he continued. "I need to be able to trust you. I'm done with the games. This is punishment, Kay; you already agreed it was well-deserved. Now's your chance to show that you are truly sorry, that you learned something. So I want you to obey me, no matter how hard it is."

"Okay, Honey, but please let me just tell my friends what happened! I just know my one friend is going to worry really badly! It's going to drive her crazy, not knowing! It's not fair that you're punishing her too!"

And then I saw it. That grin of his spread across his face, the one that can be best described as diabolical. "Well obviously it's mainly the effect it's going to have on you, but hmmmm, what if I am? Maybe they shouldn't have been encouraging you to conspire and lie and defy me."

"That wasn't what happened! And it was all me! I'm the one that did it, me alone!"

"Yeah you are. But I don't like the united thing. You can downplay it all you want, I've already figured out what happened. I'll even say I'm still undecided of whether I'm going to send a message to her husband about having a little talk, of what happened here tonight. So for more than your sake, I'm really encouraging you, to do the right thing."

UGH! "I still think you're being mean to my friends, they're going to have a hard time with me just ignoring them, after they know what happened! It's not right!"

"Seriously?" It may have been dark, but I'm pretty sure my husband was rolling his eyes. "What, Kay, does your friend think I'm going to kill you? Give me a break, it's two frickin days! And it's not like I'm a monster! What could possibly happen that she'd be so worried? I mean, really!"

I tried to keep my wits admist all his guy logic. "It's just how we are! We're emotional creatures, we support each other through hard times!"

"Yeah, well neither of you are going to die within two days. And you can explain later. Don't do the crime if you don't want to do the time. You can deal without talking. Don't test me on this," he repeated.

I still wasn't happy about it. But with everything he'd given me to think about, I resolved to obey. I felt bad about what I did. I needed to submit to him, no matter how hard it was. And it couldn't be that hard since I was contrite, right?

I thought having my phone would be better than if he had taken it. Nope, it was worse. I truly saw why Jay picked this form of exquisite torture. It would have been no problem to let everyone know, and then just not talked to anybody. But this way, friends texted me and emailed me and called me and left messages wondering what was going on and I couldn't respond. I'd pick up my phone each time, in a mental tug-o-war. I'd remind myself of Jay's hurt expression the night before, and that I was supposed to be rebuilding what was broken yesterday. And I'd reluctantly put the phone back down.

I did think of a really cool loophole though that he hadn't specified. Thankfully my conscience kept me from doing it, since Jay later called me on his break and asked me point blank if I'd contacted even anyone not only who practiced, but anyone who knew about DD. He knows me way too well. He also reminded me that that if I violated these two days, I was looking at "the worst whoopin' you have ever gotten by far."

As of now, I'm almost through Day 2. Although you will read this later (as I'm scheduling it to be posted right after I'm a free woman), I only have like six hours left. ARGGHHH!

And for the record, next time I'll just talk to him. What a mess, that didn't even have to happen! Guess there's something to that whole communication thing, huh?

 

Worn

Geez, I started this post like more than a week ago, and didn't even have a chance to finish it til now. So now that I do (since I'm saying, I don't care, and taking time to vent), I'm revising it for right now. And I'm trying to vent, sort through why I'm having such a hard time right now, and I don't even know how.

A lot has been happening. Jay was sick for a week with both flu and pneumonia at the same time. I didn't even know that was possible. He got sick with that evil flu that's been going around late Thursday, and by the weekend he had pneumonia as well. He didn't tell me how bad it got until he got back from the doctor on Monday. That's when he let me know that it felt like his left lung was in a vice, being twisted around. But he didn't want me to worry so he kept it from me. Why doesn't he realize that that kind of thing makes me worry more? Grrrrr! So for awhile I struggled with trying to take care of him, which isn't easy, because he's not easy to be around when he's sick. He can even get mean. And I'm so anxious to be up to the task, of being the strong one for him, that instead I just find myself falling. And then spiraling out of control, right when he needs me most. Which then makes me feel guilty for not being able to be stronger, and makes me even worse. Ugh! And moreso too, because the doctor stressed how high the chances of this turning into double pneumonia, since his lung looked so bad, and he had the flu as well. So yeah I was anxious, and trying to prevent that from happening. But at least we got through it, he got better, with both me and our son getting only mildly sick, barely at all, even.

But still, it's hard to pick myself up. Even before Jay got sick, I was struggling to get my head back to where it's supposed to be. I haven't really been able to for a few weeks, probably before that. My husband has been lenient for the most part, which has been both a relief and a frustration. Mainly because it feels like I'm just building up for being in even more and more trouble, and I'm not sure when. I spiral down sometimes, and I can't seem to know how to pick myself up out of it. Lately Jay has been addressing things more, but I don't know, I feel so overwhelmed with everything, it doesn't even seem to help.

My formerly angelic child is two, and by two I mean VERY two. It leaves me feeling incompetent, and I've been massively anxious because of it, then trying to hide my anxiety from him, which makes me just feel like collapsing from emotional exhaustion, when he's finally down for nap or sleep. I know my feelings are normal to an extent, but I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to be a parent. I feel like I'm screwing things up for him, that I'm cultivating a little monster that will just run all over me. It's one of the things I fear most, I have a nephew who's like that, who no one can stand. But no matter what I try, none of my discipline methods seem to be working. And that he isn't speaking except a few words makes it totally harder. Ugh!

And then there's my father-in-law, who is now driving both of us crazy at this point. It's so difficult, especially since there seems no end in sight. I'd say more about that, but it just makes me upset. Things are what they are right now. Sigh.

And then there's finances, which was made worse by Jay missing work from being sick, and a few other things, which I can't talk about, out of respect for Jay. Not because of the monstrous punishment I'd get, since he doesn't read my blog anyway, but just because I'm trying to respect what he wants, and he has strong feelings about that. But let's just say today especially hasn't been a good day. We need to talk tonight, and I don't even know what to say.

In the grand scheme of things, a lot of people are having worse times than me. I try to keep that perspective, because the truth is, God has blessed us so much. But right at the moment, I feel just tired. I find myself listening to the song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North a lot. Describes a lot how I feel right now. I'd post the link, maybe I can later, but frankly, right now I just don't have the time. My son is waking up in a few minutes, and stress I can barely handle, but have to handle, beckons. You can find it on YouTube though, if you want to hear it.

Anyway, that's all my venting for now. Next post will no doubt be sunnier.

Honoring Bas Today!

Okay, I know I'm missing a brilliant opportunity to pick on Bas a little bit, like it's so tempting to do with HOH's, but I'll leave that for others to do (at least for right now!).

The truth, as I see it anyway, is that there's a shortage of quality blogs by men who are HOH's. Maybe that's because so many men, (like my husband) don't understand the very fine art of blogging. But c'mon, isn't it so valuable to have that perspective from the guy side of things?! (well besides the pesky conviction stuff that we don't always want to find valuable maybe!). I think so too! So I'm always happy to find a new HOH blog I don't know about.

I actually didn't know about Bas' blog at first. My introduction to the "words of Basdom" came in reading friends' blogs. I have a huge appreciation for quick wit (must be nice to be an HOH, and not have it get you in trouble all the time!) and it wasn't long before I was saying to myself, "Wow! Who is that?! I have to find out!" (Not to mention anyone with that cute of an avatar can't be not cool!). So then I got the privilege to get caught up on his and Lisa's amazing journey, with the love they have for each other shining through every post. And I couldn't help but care about this couple I only know through his writing. It reminds me once again, how valuable this community is, and what a blessing it is in my life.

Because I've gotten in trouble so much for being in the Blogland community when I'm supposed to be doing other things (that otherwise got neglected, oops), I'm now usually stuck reading posts from the everybody during odd times, often when almost everyone else has already commented (grrr!). I have to admit, a lot of the time, after I've read a particularly good post, often before I read anyone else's comments, I'll scroll down, on the search for that adorable Corgi avatar of his, just to see what witty words Bas has come up with in response. Not that everyone's comments aren't wonderful, but Bas' somehow have a special magic to them. I don't think anyone can deny how much all of us, both those that know him well and those of us that only know him a little, have benefited from those "words of Basdom". As well as teaching us a thing or two, I don't think there's one person he hasn't made to smile with those little snippets of cleverness of his. And not many he hasn't touched with his encouragement, including me. Yep, Blogland is definitely brighter because of Bas' presence in it.

 ***

Bas, for particularly the encouragement you've left for me, for the role model you are, for giving me the chance to get to know your amazing wife Lisa through your writing (oh to be the angel she is! :) ) and learn from the incredible relationship you two have, for both your wit and your wisdom that makes me laugh and makes me think...
 

 I, like everybody on here, am so grateful for you! :)

 ***

Note: Hey everyone reading! It's not too late to join in our honoring Bas today! So it you'd like to join in Spankful for Bas Day, grab a "Spankful for Bas Day" logo from someone who's already posted (thanks to Chelsea for the amazing job on the logos) and put up a post of your own! Then email or comment on Ana's blog to make sure she has the link for the main page. :)

The Bed Monster

I entered our bedroom, on the search for something in particular, can't remember what. And there it was, mocking me with rumpled covers and pillows askew, that silly unmade bed. Ugh! Quickly I turned away. I'll deal with it later. I have lots of time, right?

But then, well, I paused and turned back, the mature part of me gained from being in this lifestyle for a couple years now, begging to be acknowledged. Pesky conscience! I sighed, then stood in the doorway, still in indecision. My stubbornness warring with what I knew was right.

Making the bed is a clear rule in this house. I'm talking, zero tolerance, "fast track to a spanking" type of rule. There's a reason for that. With my ADHD, there's times I don't get tasks done because something interfered, I get distracted, or my concentration just wasn't all there that day. Depending on the reason ("I felt like watching a bunch of movies all day", for instance, doesn't sway his sympathies), and my attitude, Jay sometimes will show leniency, provided I do a better job the next day. There's deadlines for eating for the three meals I'm supposed to eat (rather than one or two), that I sometimes don't achieve, well, because I'm busy, or don't know what to make before the deadline (because I waited til the last minute), our son is needing attention at the moment, it happens. He takes all of that into consideration, knowing it's not always easy for me.Then there's times when he'll tell me to cook dinner, and that often time when I call and tell him that I was too overwhelmed, or the masterpiece I'd tried to make didn't work, he'll lovingly tell me everything is okay, and he'll pick up something for all of us on his way home. Making the bed though, is in a different category, and boy do I know it!

Yes, there are times I genuinely forget. Especially on the day I wash sheets and everything, then have to remember to make the bed after, rather than leave them in the dryer (if they get that far!). But most of the time, there's no excuse I can make for why the bed is unmade.

It seems silly that such a small thing is such a big deal. For both of us. But it is.

For him, other than perhaps being a pet peeve, it's easy to get done, and he knows that no matter what, I can manage it. There's no "I was too overwhelmed" argument that works for not doing it. He knows it's a choice. Probably the biggest choice he sees is me choosing to do it, and do it right, or do it half-way, or procrastinating on doing it until I forget.

For me, it's slightly more complicated. So much so, that it's taken me awhile to deduce the reason. I mean, a made bed makes our bedroom cheerier. It only takes, what, less than ten minutes? So am I really that lazy? Or I thought of another possible reason. Choosing to not make it leads to a spanking, and if I'm caught, half-way making it (he likes the sheet corners tucked under the mattress, and everything else just so), most likely will lead to one as well. So do I subconsciously want to be spanked or something? Am I actually (gasp) bratting? 'Cause if not, why is such a simple thing such a battle?

One time when I was going through a "Down with DD" moment, and saw where my thoughts went, I realized something. I think the simple act of whether I make the bed or not represents my willingness to submit, in miniature. It is a method by which I show my respect. But it is also a method, by not doing it, that I can show defiance, take a stand, in a way that nurses my pride and makes me feel better.  And I can do it deliberately, but it will be written off as something a little more innocent than direct defiance, which can be considered a victory in itself! Eek, the truth hurts! If it were my own bed, and he weren't in my life, I'd probably make it on my own. But it's because he makes a big deal about it, and wants everything done "correctly" (ie. his way), I sometimes just want to leave it undone, just so I don't give him the satisfaction (yeah, yeah, I know you feel sorry for him, poor guy!).

Now don't get me wrong, usually I do make it. Jay is right about the procrastination thing though. There's absolutely times I've turned away, not wanting to deal with it. "It only takes a few minutes, I'll just make sure it's made before he gets home! Just not yet!" Can you guess what often happens in this case? Yep. And he's even caught me feverishly making it after losing track of time, trying to get it done during those last precious seconds. It occurred to me while I've been writing this that maybe even waiting until the last moment is defiant in itself. Because it's on my time table. And I can still usually get away with it. Sigh.

But then there's worse. There's the times that I've simply stuck out my chin, glanced at that unmade bed through narrowed eyes, and decided not to make it. To take a stand, make a statement, not take his bossiness lying down (I know, I know!). When we've been fighting, or I'm annoyed, I have actually thought (thought, not said!) to myself, on more than one occasion, "And if he thinks I'm going to give him the satisfaction of still making the bed like he likes, he's crazy! I don't care what the consequences are!" Take a spanking to make my point, and assuage my pride? Yeah, baby. I am that stubborn.

But I will say I am less stubborn than I used to be. At least, I think so. Now, most often when I'm feeling that way, and I feel that urge to leave that stupid bed unmade, I grit my teeth, and I do it anyway. Sometimes I do it as fast as humanly possible, smoothing out everything so it gives the appearance that I did everything right, without taking the blankets off, or giving it the extra effort he wants. Then I catch myself sighing, going back, and correcting what I just did. I do it the way he wants. I do it, not so I don't get in trouble, but to give him this small sign of my respect. I don't always feel like submitting, but it's a small way I can show him I choose to. Because of the commitment I've made, and continue to make, every day, even when I don't feel like it. Because he's earned that from me. And as an act of love. It's a small thing, but yet it's everything.

The funny thing is, I wrote most of this post yesterday, just a general thing I've noticed. And I didn't have time to finish it yesterday. So here I am working on it. But as circumstance would have it, tonight Jay and I are sorta fighting. I'm sure it's just temporary; he's on a temporary night shift while he learns some new skills (thank God it ends in a week!), he's not sleeping even when he is sleeping, and today I unintentionally made it so he got even less sleep. I'm not in trouble, but he wasn't quite demonstrating the leader skills I usually look up to. I don't think it was my fault, and I know he's not thinking straight. I'm pretty sure he'll come to his senses later, and no doubt even apologize, but for the record, I don't feel like submitting right about now. I feel like taking the night off. And yes, today I was faced with the exact situation I've been describing above. In fact, I actually stared at that mess of covers, sheets, and pillows, once again not feeling like making it. The funny thing is with this current schedule, he wouldn't even know if I made it or not. Because I'll be in bed long before he will. But he still wants me to. Did I want to? Nope. Not at all.

But I gritted my teeth, and did it.

It's just a small thing. Right now, though, I know it's still everything.

Bedtime Story

"Turn the main light out, close the door, and hurry up, get into bed," Jay directed, switching on the sidelight. "We've got things to discuss, as you know."

Well there was my answer. He didn't forget. Drat! So much for cuddling up and going to sleep right now, all snugly and painfree! I did as I was told, swallowing hard, knowing I was most likely in trouble. I joined my husband, then made myself as comfortable as I could for whatever lay ahead.

"Okay, let's see my list," Jay began, all authority.

Shrinking away from his HOH-iness, I practically threw the notebook at him containing my day's faults, and turned away.

"Nope," he announced, in that same tone. "YOU read them out loud."

I stared at him, all of a sudden aware that I was seeing a new tactic in action. And not one I particularly liked! I took a deep breath, and rattled off both entries in a barely audible mumble, and as fast as I possibly could.

"Slow down and read clearly, Kay. I want to hear you."

I sighed, then resigned myself to this humbling moment. "I didn't eat dinner by the 6:30 deadline, and also-"

"No let's just focus on the first one. Why didn't you eat on time?"

I shrugged sadly. "I don't know, I set my alarm, and then I was busy paying bills and stuff, and I heard the alarm, but I thought I'd finish first, 'cause I had time. But...then, well, I totally forgot. The next moment I knew I looked down, and it was 6:31. I really wanted to do well, I just totally messed up," I finished lamely.

"Mmmmhmmm," Jay said, in that musing way of his. He thought this over for a minute, while I waited. Then, "So do you know why it's so important that you eat by the deadline?"

"You're trying to get me into the habit," I sighed. "Because otherwise I forget to eat completely, and then I get so messed up it's hard to make something to eat."

"Yes," he affirmed. "It's so you can have energy throughout the day and stay healthy. I need you to, and your son does too. You agree?"

"Yes."

So...how can we avoid you ending up here again?" I stared at him, trying to answer his questions, to the best of my ability, but also just digest this whole conversation. Had he been tuning into the HOH telepathic network? (Yes, I'm a huge believer in its existence! How else do you explain those changes in how he does things, when he does no research whatsoever?).

You have to understand, for the past few years that I've been disciplined, I've been barely able to get him to tell me what I did wrong before he spanks me. He doesn't really lecture a lot (yes I know some of you think I'm lucky!). Well, that is, during discipline, anyway (during other times he has no problem lecturing at all, grrr!). I've discovered though that I actually need him to hear him say something, because otherwise my focus is in completely the wrong place, and about just trying to get through the pain. Not only that, but because of my ill-advised coping mechanism to just block soon-to-be consequences out of my head until they're actually happening, there are actually times I've forgotten why I'm even in trouble. Not conducive to avoiding ending up in the same situation again, huh? So he knows that and has been doing it. But this, this is new. He actually wants to discuss everything?

I tried to focus on his question. "I can set my alarm maybe earlier?"

"That's a good idea, Kay. And in addition, when the alarm goes off, you need to make sure you don't ignore it," he observed, pointedly.

"Yeah, I know," I admitted. "I'm sorry, I'll do better"

"I have every confidence that you will, Sweetie," my husband told me in a very sweet but oh so definite tone that let me know he would make sure of it.

I swallowed. Can you say eeeeeeek?!

"Now go ahead and read the next one," Jay directed.

"You already know," I shrugged. "I didn't finish the laundry."

"And why didn't you finish the laundry?"

"I don't know, I just didn't!" When his eyes bored into me, I dropped my head. "Well, I was doing well throughout the day, but when I already failed at dinner, I just...stopped trying as hard," I admitted quietly.

"So you just gave up."

"No, that I didn't do. I still worked on it at least. I just--well, I got discouraged that I'd already failed, my concentration went out the window, and I just wasn't as gung-ho about getting stuff done. I started out the morning anxious, but I was doing well, and I was so hopeful, then this happened, and well--" I buried my head in my hands, trying to hold back tears. "I'm so tired of messing up!"

"Kay, look at me." He waited til I obeyed, then said, "This is not about failure. You didn't fail. The reason why it's affecting you like this is because you have the totally wrong perspective. Look at all the things you did right. You got up when you were asked, you didn't touch your phone although I know you wanted to..."

I had to smile. Well that was true! An app I have popped up with a notification of some news that I really cared about and I was dying to find out the details! Not to mention, to text a friend back! But I didn't pick my phone up, and believe me, I was super tempted to, even to the point of reaching for it, then pulling back.

"What else did you do right today?"

"I ate breakfast on time."

"Yes you did, good job," Jay encouraged.

I continued to name off a couple other rules I did right. I was starting to feel better.

Then suddenly my stomach dropped. Yes I'd remembered to take my antibiotics that morning. But I'd forgotten the dose I was supposed to take later that night. Last time I'd forgotten a dose had been during the time that I'd been sick. And he had made an exception to deliver a painful lasting impression. But not lasting enough? Really? I'd forgotten again? How could I be such an idiot! UGH!

And now I had a dilemma. I knew I was supposed to tell him, that's our agreement. But it was the last thing I wanted to do! Finally I burst into tears. "Kay, what's going on? What's wrong?" my concerned husband asked.

"Nothing. Except guess what? I remembered another way I failed today!" My voice was full of anguished irony.

"Go ahead." Jay prodded.

"I just shook my head, crying harder.

He nodded knowingly. "Your medication."

"Yes, but only the night. I took everything else earlier. I was supposed to take the antibiotic after because I had to wait a few hours after eating dairy, but I forgot!"

He thought for a moment. "Well, it hasn't been that long. Go ahead, go take it, hurry up."

Now I was crying for a different reason. "Thank you, thank you!" I cried, kissing him, so happy I'd gathered the courage to tell him the truth.

I returned a few minutes later, and we continued.

"So, getting back to business, for both not eating on time and not getting done the laundry, do you think you deserve a spanking?"

I closed my eyes, conflicted. That's a difficult question to answer! And I wanted to say that maybe in this case a warning, but, I knew better.

Finally Jay broke my tongue-tied silence. "Kay? According to the terms of our contract, do you deserve it?"

Ugh, hate this honesty stuff! "Okay, it's true that I didn't eat on time, so yeah for that I do."

"And for not finishing the laundry?"

"Well I didn't give up though! But...yeah, it's true, I could have done better," I sighed. "I didn't feel like trying all that much. So," I paused, struggling to say it.

My husband had been patiently waiting while I processed, but now he once more gently prodded. "So?"

"So yes, I um" I tried again.

"Go ahead."

I shut my eyes again. "Yes I deserve to be spanked for both things." I finally choked out. Talk about humbling!

Jay was silent for a moment, obviously thinking. Then he finally spoke. "Well, since you owned up to everything, and cooperated, I'm halfing the number of your discipline."

I breathed a quick sigh of relief, then braced myself to hear the words I knew were coming next.

Okay," Jay continued, resolutely, go ahead and roll over, let's get this over with."

***

The next night....

"Let's see your list, Kay."

"Don't have one," I answered smiling. "I have no broken rules to report for today."

Getting Back to Normalcy, Oh Joy!

I've been out of sorts of late. True, I've spent a lot of the last week and a half in bed. First for an infection that I tried to cure on my own and so didn't work, then, once I recovered from that, from a bug that's been going around our family. Thankfully it's not that evil flu though, so I should be better soon. Yay, right? Well, kinda.

I'm not all that excited to get back to normalcy, to tell you the truth. Because I've been sick, we've been on a break of sorts. Not when it comes to issues like forgetting to take my morning dose of medication to get well (ow!) or respect, but he's definitely let a lot slide. I haven't had any responsibilities. I hate feeling this way, but I admit, it's definitely been a silver lining to the cloud of having to be sick. I've been taken care of, and that feels nice. I thought back to that recent spanko episode of Big Bang Theory, the one where Sheldon spanks Amy for lying about still being sick (you know the one I'm talking about, I don't need to post it, right?). And well, while I'm sure the writers just thought it would be off the wall and entertaining, I remembered it for a different purpose. Like, I wonder if I could pull that off better than she did? I mean, Jay doesn't have access to lab culture tests, right? No responsibilities, and and no spankings for a little while longer, hee hee! Of course, real life is a lot more serious than being in trouble on a comedy, and then there's the whole deceiving the guy I love issue, so oh well, guess I won't be doing that. Sigh.

But I've been dreading having to return to all my responsibilities, and I'm afraid it's been showing in my attitude about things. Right now, the last thing I want to do is submit (hard to write the word, even!). And since the dawn of 2013 carried with it a whole new set of standards that, while admittedly is good for us, I don't especially like, I'm not exactly an eager beaver to go back to getting in trouble all the time.

Last night we had a discussion about things.

Jay mentioned something, I don't remember what it was about. But I do remember I started in surprise, it seemed like he was goading me into an argument. I asked him why he had said that.

"Oh just getting a Crazy Cycle going," he said, using terminology from the book we've been reading, Love and Respect. His tone was light, joking even, but it hit me hard.

"You haven't been feeling very respected by me lately, huh?" I said sadly, looking into his eyes.

He tried to keep his same tone, "Well, mainly...okay, not really. And I guess you haven't been feeling loved by me much lately, huh?" His voice has gotten super serious, and quiet.

"Wrong!" I cried. "I've totally been feeling loved by you. Ugh, I'm so sorry that I gave you any other impression, I'm so sorry I haven't showed you the respect you need, but please know it's not you."

"Well what's with you then?" Jay asked. "Why have you been acting like you have? Why all the animosity even?"

"I'm not trying to fight you, Hon," I pleaded with him to understand, "I just don't know what to do. I can't seem to get my head in the right place."

"So talk to your husband," he coaxed. "What's been going on?"
.
"Well you know how usually stellar I am at coming back from breaks--"

"This isn't a break though!"

"Well other than the medication thing, it kind of has been, at least compared to how it usually is. I haven't had any responsibilities, you've let almost all the rules slide, stuff like that."

"Yeah I have. So true, I guess we have been on break. But you know that's ending."

"Yeah and going back to everything does NOT sound good right now!"

Jay sighed. "Kay, I'm just trying to help you in the best way I know how."

His tone awakened the sympathetic part of me. "I don't want you to feel like the bad guy. I realize it's to help me and objectively, as an HOH, you're...um...doing a good job.." my voice went down to a mumble on that last part as I looked away.

Even without looking, I could feel that boyish grin I know so well spread across his face. "What's that?" he asked innocently. "I didn't quite hear that?"

"What?"

"What you just said. Can you say it again a little louder and more clear?"

Grrr, it was hard enough saying the first time! "I said, 'you can at times be a slob!'"

He clucked his tongue. "Well that's not respectful. Sure that's what you want to go with, and the consequences with it, or do you want to tell me something else?"

I was quet, thinking. He loves to torture me with stuff like this! And I didn't want to give him the satisfaction!

"Well?"

Finally I answered, with mock frustration, "I'm trying to think of something else that ends with "ob" but I'm too sick to have my brain work right!"

He laughed. His voice got serious, tender. "Tell me what you said, Sweetie."

I looked in his eyes. "You're doing a good job," I repeated, this time clear. "This isn't about you, and I don't want you to think it is. It's that, even though I know that you're helping me, and I have to for this family to run, I just don't feel ready to go back to everything." And then the real reason hit me. "I don't want to go back to failing all the time."

Jay sighed. "You're not failing, Sweetie. You're actually doing well. And yeah, you'll be messing up for awhile. That's not failing, that's part of learning, breaking old habits. You just have to keep trying your best, and keep trusting in me. And as long as you're doing your best, that's all I ask for."

"Yeah, but this stuff is hard for me to remember right now, and well, other than when I've been sick, you've been so consistent, and I hate that new paddle--"

Jay chuckled. "You don't want to go back to getting spanked all the time, I get it," he said. "I don't blame you. But you know I've got to do my job, which isn't always fun. It's hard on both of us, sometimes, but it's necessary for our family, right? That's why you want this?"

"Yes." "Hard" being the operative word, and so much more on me than on him! Ouch!

He continued to get his point across. "And is what I ask of you unreasonable? Eating by a certain times, for instance, so I can make sure you eat at all, or watching how you respond to me when you don't like something?" (naming two of my biggest infraction areas).

"No, it isn't," I answered truthfully.

"Keeping the house up so it's a good and healthy place for our son to grow up?" (And there's another one!).

"No it isn't unreasonable," I answered.

"Okay then," he said playfully, trying to lighten my spirits, "We're agreed. So Monday we'll get back to everything, but Sunday night I'll start helping your mindset. You can do this, and I'll be happy to help you out when needed."

Gee, thanks?

Guess I'll just try to enjoy my weekend of "freedom" til then. Oh and get lots of rest for the week ahead.