Treading Water

Happy belated New Year everyone! So far things...well, admittedly they're a little tough. Last year, after the school year started my husband changed his work schedule for our son's sake. He had previously been on second shift, but that schedule would have prevented them from seeing each other at all, so I begged him to change to first shift and Jay listened. It was hard on him. Really hard. I know that. He was previously going to bed super late at night, like 3 often even 4. Switching to first shift meant he was having to go to bed at 7:30-8 and waking up at 4. But wow the effect on our family. And me. It felt like I wasn't a single parent anymore, in a way I hadn't even realized was possible. We actually had family dinner. Every night. I had help with the kids, and they got to interact with their father more. There was a part of me that felt guilty because I knew how hard on him it was. But seeing the effect on the kids was awesome. And it wasn't like I wasn't sacrificing too. I was going to bed same time as Jay, for crying out loud. Pretty much earlier that I'd ever gone to bed, not even sure I went to bed that early as a child. But it was what he needed (yeah I was playing on my phone for um...several hours under the covers, but c'mon, what do you expect).


Anyway, that changed back at the beginning of the year. It would have been hard with school before (it was for the few weeks that we did before he switched), but now, it's just tougher still. I see what we had, and I'm desperate to preserve that. And I'm bending over backwards to try to make that happen. I convinced my zombie husband to get up early to see our son off to school, made a deal that I'd make breakfast. Anyone who knows me knows that's not an easy promise, especially in the morning when I'm a stressed out also zombie trying to get my son off to school on time. I'm not used to it, and cereal won't cut it. Then Jay goes back to sleep, and I don't like it, but I guess I just have to deal with that. I'm just hoping to avoid the previous getting up right before he leaves for work, which was so hard on me. Particularly because now as of last night he gave me a bedtime of way before he gets home from work.


Which brings us to...really? I know intellectually he's trying to make sure I get enough rest. I also know he's delusional. That means not only am I having to deal with the kids alone, and have dinner ready for him when he walks in the door (guess how many time's that's happened? I can use my hands to count them). Now I'm expected to be in bed, not even able to vent or be with him, something I NEED at the end of a hard day. Instead IF I obey, I'll be in bed, listening to him moving around or watching tv or whatever, definitely NOT asleep, seething or probably crying, because I'm an emotional creature. I tried to explain all that. He's not listening though, at least not yet. He IS going to bed as early as he can. But ugh, that's not enough. And I'm trying to explain it, it's not coming out right, I'm making it worse.


Adding on to all this mess is DD. And because arithmetic is fun, I'd like to subtract it now, thank you. He doesn't agree. On his previous shift it had been difficult schedule-wise, and we stepped back on most of it. Now he thinks we need to go back to it, all consistent and such. Not sure when, how this schedule is any easier, but anyway.


I got a reminder the other night. It's amazing to me after such a brief while how I'm able to forget so completely how much it hurts. And always shocked once again that this is my life. Like, how in the world have I been doing this for the last seven years? But...I get what he's saying, I do. And yeah, it helps us, all that. It's not like I'm pulling general consent, that would really hurt us. I just don't want to focus on a billion rules right now, none of which I feel like doing. I'm just trying to keep my head above water, and when I get stressed I get rebellious. Even want to do the opposite to make myself feel better! Yikes. And if he steps back when that kind of thing is going on, well, that's when resentment starts to creep in. Definitely not something I want either.


My usual way of sorting through this stuff is gone because...circumstances. And I desperately need perspective. Right now all of it makes me feel acutely alone. Like I've hardly felt since I've been in this dynamic. May not be the case, but it definitely feels like it at the moment.


Ok, I DO get in the grand scheme of things, figuring out how to adjust is a pretty small problem to have actually, and I have a lot to be thankful for. And I know there's a way to figure this stuff out. I just feel like my life is a bunch of puzzle pieces spread out before me, that I'm struggling to put together, and I suck at figuring out puzzles. Especially with some of those pieces being under the couch, maybe downstairs under a pile of toys in a child's room, out in the yard, a few stuck in the washer, possibly in the freezer, who knows, knowing me.


But just because it's confusing, that doesn't mean there isn't STILL a way to make things work right? And in my case, I'm pretty sure the finished puzzle makes a piece of land I can stand on or at least a life raft. Just right now I can't figure out how to put it together.


Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. I do know I'm not going to drown. I'm hoping things will get easier. I just need to get through it til that happens I guess.

Still Here...Sorta

Yeah I know it's been forever. Not sure if anyone's still reading, and that's ok. But I am sorry AGAIN for being gone so dang long.

I am going to try to come around more. Yes I know I've said that before, but I think I've figured out a way to make that actually happen easier. I think it would help me to write again, especially right now, but only if I take the pressure off. 

Fun thing about being me, I'm obsessed with doing things perfectly. Add developmental processing issues that make translating thoughts to writing take an embarrassingly long time, and it's a wonder anything has ever gotten written here. I don't even want to disclose how much it takes out of me. And it's not only writing and rewriting and derambling posts (is that a word?) to figure out what my point was supposed to be in the first place, but also crafting comments too. Packed onto everything else I have to do every day, it just becomes too much.

But like I said I have a plan. First, to try to get away from my perfectionistic tendencies, and just write. Who cares if it makes sense; my head rarely does when processing and it's for me most. And who cares if the formatting is messed up, not the end of the world anyway, right? I'm just going to try to give myself a time limit and if its not just so, oh well. A type of cognitive behavioral therapy to get over the OCD. Second, I'm probably not going to respond to comments as much if at all. I do appreciate them but it's just too hard for me to keep up with them. I've got to make this easier for me to come be in this space and not be consumed by it anymore. I can't be a community member of Blogland like I used to. I miss it, but I just can't do both. And it's better than not being here at all. 

I write for me. But I post just in case others want to peer over my shoulder. So feel free to lurk, or comment, as you wish. Just know that I'm not trying to be rude or something.

So just giving a heads up over that one. 

I am still alive though, and still very much a DD wife, except for the break we've been on lately (translation: stressful life prevented maintenance/punishment...so sad, gosh dang it).

These breaks are tricky. Very much like a trap. It seems like a time to relax, let loose a little. You know, looks good, no accountability unless you do something truly stupid which I would never (oh shut up!). 

Like I was saying, I always think I got this...at first. I know why we do what we do. I don't need anyone enforcing, I'll do it because I believe in it, thanks. But then...well, I'm going to enjoy my freedom..just an eensy bit. Maybe say a few brave phrases (oh that felt good, kind of intoxicating, gotta do that just one more time, then I'll be all submissive and such!), and...maybe let the pages of rules fall harmlessly to the floor, just procedural stuff...no harm, no foul, right? 

All is calm. All is chill.

Then bam! Out of nowhere the trap springs shut and it becomes a gigantic judgement day. Or things spiral from stress or frustration and cause said judgement day. It's a life given test I guess. He's even said as much. I never seem to be able to pass. 

And you can guess where things are headed now. 

Not totally my fault if break ends abruptly! It's the holidays, and between that and a financially rather stressful emergency with sudden house repairs that we've had to deal with, Christmas has had to be pushed to the last minute. Getting presents for the kids, general plans, even getting groceries. And a last minute birthday to plan. Plus I missed a lot of the sales to get stuff. And even still I have to wait. So yeah I'm stressed. Did I mention Aunt Flo's fun timing? Add that to the list.

All that leads me to say, be helpful or get out of my way already.

Disclaimer: Don't say that to your HOH.

It only works here because we're on break (I think?)

Guess we'll see how things play out.

Merry Christmas everyone! 

The Let It Go DD Clash

 

Maybe it's due to that it's been such a long winter, or that my little girl is obsessed to cuteness with singing the "Let it Go" song, but we've watched Frozen a lot around here these past months. I'm not complaining; I'm a huge Disney fanatic. My young children being obsessed with it really just gives me an excuse to watch it without my husband being too annoyed. But lately a conversation I had with Jay has been making me think. 

You see, I have something in common with Elsa, and not just a love for beautiful eyeshadow. Nope, no cool powers. Not that her gift would be useful at all in my life. Spankings are way worse in the cold, and cold totally does bother me anyway! My view is more yay for springtime starting this week, and good riddance to all things winter! Plus, for the record, I'd much prefer the Disney princess ability to get animals to clean my house!

But the one thing I do have in common with her is coming from an environment where you have to be perfect, not ever make a mistake, where you never get to explore who you really are.

 

I'm going to let you in to a part of my life I haven't talked about much on here. But you're not going to get where I'm coming from unless I do, and at least being under the cloak of anonymity lets me be able to be raw on here without the risk. 

I spent most of my childhood in a foster home with a cult-like atmosphere, shut away from most of society. It was bad, everything we did and thought was controlled. After several horrific years, I finally learned the key to surviving was allowing myself to be programmed until I had lost most of myself. I had no desires other than those I was told to have. I obeyed even before I was told. I could anticipate what my foster parents wanted, and I melded my mind to theirs. As a result, my foster siblings were in awe of me. Even my foster parents were too, since I had achieved being their perfect daughter. Like with Elsa, my coping mechanism gave me security behind walls. Unlike her though, it freed me from my fear and also gave me one more thing, that illusion of power. Life seemed perfect.

Until...

It was gone.

I no longer had anyone telling me what to do, how to think, how even to feel, and the illusion that was my life fell apart. I discovered everything I had been taught was in many ways exactly opposite. I discovered I'd been shut away from the world and had no knowledge to even make sense of it. And most of all, no sense of who I was, and how I could even fit in. The grueling process, of getting beyond the fear and uncertainty that went with trying to decipher slowly what was true and what was not, the overwhelming journey of self-discovery, and even picking up on social skills I was denied learning from being so isolated from society, lasted awhile. And that process wasn't over when I met Jay. 

So what does this have to do with DD and submission? Well, when we first met, I would have been the perfect submissive wife. Yes, I liked to argue, and I stood up for my values and faith so passionately, nothing could sway me. That last part actually awed him, combined with my level of innocence. But beyond those things, I never stood up for myself. I had an almost servile air about me. Even though I had no idea I did.

Before he learned what love was, (further explained here in this post from awhile ago, another Disney story of ours, ha), I put up with Jay's beyond controlling, damaged alpha ways no matter what, as he pushed and pushed to see how much I would take. I remember him saying once, "Stand up to me!" I remember it, because it shocked me. I actually took those words to heart, and as he transformed from the unfeeling beast of a person he used to be into the amazing guy he is today, so did I, from the damaged naive girl into a woman of spunk and confidence. I discovered I didn't like being told what to do. I discovered it gave me even a rush of actual glee to rebel. I talked back. I matched his witty quips with my own. I explored with wonder this new world I had previously been denied, and basked in that freedom. You think I can be a smart-ass and love loopholes only because you don't know Jay! He's the master of all that, and I learned from him. Even learned to one-up him, and wow, was that an addictive rush! And basically, you could say he's the one that corrupted me. 

Yes, you heard right, It's HIS fault!

Going back to Frozen, we recently had a conversation about all this. I admit, I may have been playfully taunting him by overemphasizing for effect "...let it go, let it go, that perfect girl is gone! Here I'll stand, in the light of day..."

Jay took it in stride, shaking his head.  "I can see why you like that song," he commented dryly.

"Well you helped bring me into the light, so thank you," I responded, smiling sweetly.

"You know I don't think you just sometimes fall into your rebellious nature, I think you're actually proud of it."

"Yep!" I shot back, totally teasing, because of course I'm going to say that. But no way for real, that's horrible for a DD wife! Especially doing this as long as we have! Except that it got me thinking. Could that be true? Maybe that's why so much of DD is so hard for me. I absolutely am proud that I won't let myself be controlled anymore. That I'm done and will never go back to who I was. Ok I see it, he's right. There's pride in rebelling, holding my own, the power I feel in even taunting a bit (um yes, I am flaunting my new indie eyeshadow Aim to Misbehave which I got for reasons having nothing to do with the color). It's true. I broke free, and I love it. I will always love it. I'm as competive as he is, and I don't think that's going to change. I'm his match after all, and he's mine.

But bad things happened between us, and with me. Things couldn't go on how they were, so enter DD. Learning this new way necessitated changing gears quickly. But we are who we are. I still am who I am. Even moreso because before DD, I struggled with low self-esteem from all the ways my disabilities affect me. Now I'm more confident, but that also makes me feel more proud to assert myself? And here's where I fear it just looks like a bratting game to an outsider. Because it's not like that. I promise you, my heart is in the right place, even if my inclination is still to protest. This is not about attention or fun or other reasons. It isn't "play", or seeing who can win. Maybe about most else, but not about this. Yes, that switch between the two ways of thinking happens fast. Or it's supposed to anyway, sometimes doesn't, and  I feel caught between the two while my brain tries to unentangle what I think.

Breaking it down, I'm in this lifestyle for a reason. I choose to be in it, because it helps us. It's not a game, it's a lifeline. I may joke around about it (another coping mechanism), but I also take it super seriously. And yet at the same time, I fight it. With pride I never want to hide. It's that constant inner war. How can someone like me live this lifestyle? How can defiance and submission coexist? They're opposites! Isn't that as logical as combining winter and summer? It's tough, working through the this stuff.

By the way, that conversation continued with me pointing out the irony of me getting spanked when he's the one I learned from. That since it's his fault, he should be the one punished. He didn't agree of course. Said something eyeroll-worthy like he made the mess, he should clean it up. 

I could tell though as we talked that as much as it drives him crazy, he's proud of me. No doubt he wishes I'd do what I was told on a more regular basis, and fight him oh so much less. Still, he knows I have a mind of my own, and he doesn't want what I used to be. 

I understand there's a balance. I can't swing from one end of the pendulum to the other. Both are unhealthy. So I'm working on it. My husband is ummm...helping through, as he says..."acts of true love". (seriously you wonder why it's hard not to roll my eyes when he says stuff like this? Guess he's a bit of a Fixer Upper...). 

We talk about this kind of stuff a lot though. Sometimes jokingly, often seriously. It's so complex. He knows how much I struggle with all of it. There are times it brings me down, it gets discouraging. This struggle shouldn't be so great, it shouldn't be so hard to do what I already agree is best for us.

I just wish things could be wrapped up as easily as they can in a Disney fairy tale. But this is real life. Maybe I'll never truly work it out. 

Or maybe I should stop trying to reconcile it. Maybe two things can exist together, even if they are so crazy opposite. Maybe it doesn't have to make sense. And maybe that's more ok than I think it is. 

                                   

Help, My Blog Has Been Hijacked!

Okay, not really. But since I'm not using my blog much anyway (because...life), I thought I'd let someone else on who has worthwhile stuff to say. You know, to prevent it from getting all dusty. And missing a certain former blogger's fabulous writing could have something to do with it too.


Backing up, a commenter asked a question that I thought was really the basis for a great topic. She asked if this dynamic gets easier because I've been doing it for more than six years. My shotgun response was, "nope!" (may have been because I happened to be in trouble at the time, gah!). But then it got me thinking, because the yes and no answer to that question can get pretty complex. I answered, but I also wanted to see if I could lure another veteran ex blogger that used to be around to give some insight, since I was pretty sure she would have some great insights to add. And yay, after much pleading, I finally got her to say yes and write her perspective!

No, I'm not going to tell you who it is, that's no fun! Well, we could call her Walkin on Sunshine because I'm sure after all this time away she's perfect by now. Um...yeah, maybe not, maybe Cloudy With A Chance of Sun would fit better? Ok, you're right, it doesn't really matter...

What? Stop my rambling and give her the floor already because you'd rather hear from her anyway?

Impatient people, sheesh.

 
All right, all right, I'm shutting up now. Here's instead my Anonymous Former Blogger friend (whose name may or may not have something to do with the weather)!

I'm excited to do a ghost post, I've never been a ghost before! I immediately tried to walk though a wall. Now I have a Snoopy bandaid on my nose, and my husband, let's just call him my Oh-grrr, is scowling as he fixes the wall. 

I haven't been around this neighborhood lately, so I guess I should first say hello (((((((waving wildly)))))) before I jump right in. It has been a very long time since I wrote anything and I feel a little shy and strange. 

I read a question and decided I would try to answer it. Okay yes, I had a serious nudge from a friend. Let me preface and say that I don't qualify as an "expert" as there are NO experts in this lifestyle. It's just two people who love each other, refuse to give up on one another, and are willing to go a little deeper to protect what they have built together. 

The question I'd like to attempt to answer (remember I don't have my sea legs yet!) is this: "Does it get easier with time?" 

I truly wish there was an easy cut-and-dried answer. But the truth is the answer is yes and no.

Yes it can get easier. And NO, it doesn't always get easier or stay that way. Since I'm just one girl on a bicycle built for two on a journey made for US, I can only share my experiences after six plus years of peddling wildly. What the oh-grrr and I have experienced may be crazy different than what you will but there are likely some commonalities so here I go..

Why it DOES get easier: 

1. Communication

As you get to know one another in these new roles, you'll realize that communication is everything. As awkward as it all is at times, you'll HAVE to share what you are thinking, feeling, needing, and what changes/tweaks are desired. (Let me just say that otk isn't the best time to line your hoh out, don't ask me how I know this I just know stuff ;) The reason that time helps this process is obvious; you get more comfortable with each other in "those" moments and it all starts to feel quite normal. It becomes more of a lifestyle than an event, you deal and you move on. But each time you do, you learn "who" you each are in these new roles. 

Why it does NOT get easier: 

1. Communication 

It can get harder if you have a savvy husband who decides he's no longer satisfied with your "safe" answers to his questions. He may demand you grow, stretch, and become more transparent. He may require gut-honest communication with no more games. (Me? Wha?) I recall very clearly when my ogre, I mean Oh-grrr, made a rule about not distancing, wow- that was a tough road for me for awhile. But the truth is it worked, and we reached a new level of intimacy and after a long while I didn't even get in trouble (much) for that particular thing any more (but don't fret, I was always able to invent new stuff...) This lifestyle can also get harder when you think you "got it by now" and forget to check in with one another or make communication a priority. For example after discipline he may assume you're fine, but you may be waiting and want/need the reassurance or encouragement he usually gives you. The lack of communication can build a wall of hurt and confusion, when all that was needed was a few words. Miscommunication can happen even as you grow in other ways on this journey. Keep it front and center!

2. Expectations

Why it can get easier:

This lifestyle can get EASIER as you adjust your expectations of one another. There will come a time when you realize you have to stop comparing your husband to everyone else's HOH. Maybe you think he's too strict and wish he was like somebody else you read about, or you wish he'd toughen up, or read you better, or or or..the list goes on. It's normal to compare but it's ultimately destructive. Take a deep breath and recognize how unique you are, and with that, how special. Your love story is your own so own it and embrace it (might as well since you're stuck with it! ;) 

Why it can get harder:

But as time goes by expectations can mess with you again. Why? My oh-grrr expected that I would figure out how to be submissive, respectful, and well...his perfect angel. That ain't happening, folks! Sure I learned a lot along the way but I'm never going to be perfect and neither is he. Time marched on but he still worked through anger issues at times, and I still had my rebel spirit. I really expected that we would get over some of our issues once and for all but this lifestyle isn't a magic wand, it just isn't. It can help your marriage in many ways, but keep your expectations realistic and be fair to one another. Let each other stumble, fall, and don't judge one another by your latest and worst mistakes. Rather be there to catch each other and give stunning grace. 

Why it can get easier:

3. Changes 

At first it's all so confusing so you stick to what you know, good or bad. Things can smooth out as you go..so there's some good news. As time passes you will see patterns that are at play, things that aren't working, etc and you'll begin to have the confidence in your "formula" to recognize nuances and address them. You will see ways to tweak your DH style to make it better. For us we developed some awesome guidelines (life savers for me!) such as the 30/70 system (70% encouragement and 30% scolding), the "15 Minute Rule" (being able to request fifteen minutes before a consequence to get my head on straight or for him to calm down), and the "When it's over it's over" rule (once he spanks, the lecture is over too). I found ways to reach him so he listened and made adjustments for my emotional well-being. 

Why it can get harder:

3. Changes

You knew I was going there, right? I've missed you, you smartie people you. Okay so yeah, changes can be hard as the years pass. Your husband grows in confidence as an HOH and may demand more. The rules can get harder to follow, or you may get tired of following rules at all. (I do!) Life goes on and dh doesn't solve all of your issues and it might even add new ones. Another way change can make things hard is if you and your husband don't change at the same rate, or in the same ways. Years pass, and you grow and change as people, your family changes, and life situations may change. You might start viewing this lifestyle differently, you might end up with different goals or want to change your roles. DH is like dating, you're either going to get married or break up lol. What I mean is, do you plan on going the distance? There is an ebb and flow to this just as with anything, and many couples quit or take breaks along the way. It's good to be prepared for the possibility. Change can be tough too, as I have learned, when your husband changes what's acceptable. Of course you have a voice and you might change what you find acceptable too! Just do your best to talk a lot, and change together in ways that benefit you both.

I guarantee this lifestyle can get easier as you go along and gain experience, but it can get harder as well. It's SO critical to share your ups and downs openly, to communicate with one another and to respect each other's perspectives. Keep your eyes wide open as pitfalls happen, but keep your heart open too. Forgive readily, accept apologies and give them as well. Have a sense of humor! Stay playful with each other. When mistakes happen, shake it off and move on. Be flexible and ready to adapt to changing circumstances. Check in with each other regularly. Are you happy? Is your spouse happy? Is this still a benefit to your relationship? If you want things to get easier here's my best advice- allow this lifestyle to mature you, to bring out your absolute best self. You have accountability in your life now? So be accountable. Your husband wants respect? Be respectful of him AND of others. Show him you see growth in him as well, praise him in his leadership. One of the hardest things I've ever done is tell my husband he did the right thing when he decided to spank me for a bad attitude. It just about killed me to wipe my tears, swallow my pride, and admit that he saved our day that morning. But oh boy howdy did he glow with pride when I told him so, because he felt wise, he felt strong, and he knew I knew he'd been fair. It helped him be more fair, more wise, and a better leader. He has grown a lot and so have I! But it's not always easy, and I promise you that issues will continue to be part of your lives. Just as you worked hard in your marriage, so must you both work hard in this arrangement. 

So from me and the Oh-grrr, good luck!

A Brief Rant

Okay I know I've been gone eons (again!), but can I just rant for a brief moment? That may involve yelling at  lecturing(ha!)   pleading earnestly to all the HOH's out there to understand something important. This is something I've been talking about lately with more than one person, and can be such an unnecessary source of tension, that I feel I HAVE to say something. Particularly for those relationships that involve a decidedly unsubmissive, that chose this for the good that it does, and not because it's fun or exciting.



HOH's! The measure of whether you are successful as a leader is not whether you see some dramatic change in your partner's behavior. Hopefully you will. But that's not the case with everyone. Particularly if you're doing this with a decidedly UNsubmissive, who don't do this because it's fun or exciting or sexy. Who do this dynamic because the benefits so far outweigh the sacrifice, that it's a no-brainer.



You may get discouraged that we don't seem to listen. That we seem to do the opposite always even when we say we're trying. I'm not talking about bratting or games. I'm talking about realizing that if we say we're serious about our role, perhaps we actually are. The thing you may struggle to accept is that that's just built into our personality, it's always going to be a struggle. And you may always have to discipline for things over and over. So instead of getting discouraged that you aren't doing your role well enough, or that "things aren't working, so what's the use" consider what truly matters, the thing that matters more than anything else.



What it has done for your relationship.



Are you closer? Do you talk more? Laugh more? Are there ways that BOTH of you have grown? Can you identify a positive difference between the before you started this dynamic and anytime during (even if you may need to work together to tweak or improve things at present)?



That and that only is the thing that's important.



Everything else is an added bonus.

The Joy of Daily Maintenance

"What's with the attitude, Kay?"

I just stared at him, admittedly using the same look he'll so often give me. You know, the one when they want to highlight the astounding ridiculousness of whatever question was just asked of them. Okay, usually it's about me trying to get out of something when I shouldn't be. But yeah, that look.

Jay took in my look and my silence, then began shaking his head slowly, amusedly. "I swear. You beg me for this, and this is what I get."

"I did NOT beg you for it!" I protested hotly. "I was just fine with it being next to never. But it was starting to affect our relationship, and I was trying to be mature, do the right thing...ugh, stop it, you're confusing me!"

Jay laughed, as he often does when I get flustered, then he pulled me close, kissing the top of my head.

I began to relax more. "What I suggested was temporary. YOU were the one that decided to make it permanent. And I reserve the right to not like it," I muttered finally.

"Okay, well, we can go back to the old way. No maintenance." he suggested amicably. "I'll just go back to counting up every individual thing," Oh that evil grin. 

I'm pretty sure my eyes got wide. "On second thought, no. Um, we can just keep it this way, let's not fix what's not broken...."



Maintenance. I have a strong love hate relationship with that word, and with how it fits in our lives. Usually I'm in blessed denial okay with it, weird as that may sound. I'm able to live in my "hakuna matata" la la land accept it by reminding myself of the positives. Right before though, that becomes more difficult. And of course, often right after, when I've been known to pout a time or two (or two hundred). He allows pouting to a point, by the way, as long as I don't cross any lines. Generally he knows that it takes me a few minutes to process strong emotions, and then we can talk about things honestly. Or in some situations, I'll dissolve into tears, and he encourages me to vent. It's all very confusing, which is why I'm not sure this post will make a ton of sense. But this is a big part of my life right now, so this subject is kind of overdue to talk about.


Before I go any further, let me just add the disclaimer that I believe maintenance is generally an advanced DD subject, and for many couples, doesn't even have to be on the table ever. Many couples do choose to do it on an as needed basis, or weekly or something, although I don't know of many couples that aren't more under the D/s umbrella that do daily maintenance. As with most things, though, it's whatever is right for that particular relationship. And I'll admit, under protest...(almost) daily maintenance...um...is...ack, choke, gag...right for us.


I can totally understand the concept of being spanked when one didn't do anything wrong leaving some people cold. I'm going to try to explore both sides, because, well, I need the pep talk at present, to be honest. I admit I don't completely understand it or why it works, so I'm hoping this post comes out as better than the mumbo jumbo it just seems to be in my head.


First, am I being sarcastic with that "Joy of Maintenance" title thing? Yup. In reality, it bites. It's painful, and it's annoying. It's humbling to have to get into position on my own, and know, unless he tells me not tonight, how it's going to end. A nightly conversation would be much more pleasant. But nope, Jay insists it doesn't work without this part of it too. That I spiral out of control and we need to prevent that. That this is what works best. Can I just say, I don't like that this is what works! I don't want it to work! How can we make it not work? And why does he have to prove right all the freakin' time? It's annoying that this is the best way. I hate pain! (Insert "long dramatic sigh" here).



BUT.



There are benefits I admit. And there is a reason it has a place in our lives. There's a reason it makes things better.  


In the beginning, I know I would have been adamantly against it. It would have been too discouraging. But he basically started when he noticed there was a hard time for me transitionally to when I would work and stop working. It served as a reset to get my head back to where it was supposed to be. And it worked, way more than I wanted it to.  So we used it during those times. Then during the time that I was pregnant Jay started talking about it as a future daily thing. He felt that after the long time away from any kind of physical discipline, it would be a way to "assist" us for awhile.


I was against it and actually dreaded it. It felt unfair. He asked me to trust him, though, and I agreed to do so. But that didn't mean I was excited about the thought. Though I gave consent, I was distrustful as to its purpose. It felt like revenge almost for him having to put up with me for so long without being able to do DD. And it seemed so pointless. What's the motivation for staying out of trouble then? Why should I care if I'm going to be spanked anyway? And how was I supposed to take a spanking on a daily basis when I hadn't gotten spanked in so long? I couldn't even handle ANY pain anymore!


It turned out I didn't have to worry much about that though, because after an extremely brief period of him trying to do it and me fighting him, he faltered in that idea, phew.  And then...things began to spiral between us. At the same time, I personally had spiraled downward as far as being able to handle things, my emotions, everything. I knew I needed help. So after praying about it and summoning all the courage within me, I swallowed my pride, and apologized for fighting him. I admitted that maybe he had been right after all about what would help us, and I agreed to truly submit on a heart level to daily maintenance.


To be fair I don't think I would have had the courage to at the time if I would have known we would still be doing it this long after.


But when I think about it honestly, it fit in a way I never could have predicted.


Number one, I'm was in trouble pretty much every day before we started this, when Jay was being consistent. After my daughter was born, things got so much harder, and I got overwhelmed a lot easier. Maintenance took off the pressure of feeling like I failed every day. Now he addresses the same things, but I don't know, it just seems to have a different tone. Plus because every individual thing isn't addressed, it works out to way less. Phew, important point.


Then there's what it does for him. It's his time to get things out. So there's nothing that doesn't get talked about. He doesn't feel as much pressure as the "bad guy" and consistency is much easier to keep up. It's not if he'll address stuff or not, it's what he decides he'll specifically talk about during and after. (not as easy to get out of things, dang!). Being able to keep up consistency makes him feel ten feet tall as an HOH. So it's absolutely horrible for me better for him, and better for our relationship. Yay?


One thing important to say is that, regardless of all this, nothing is ever set in stone with us, and that hasn't changed, even though maintenance makes it seem much more like it. Maybe it's because we've been doing this for awhile and DD fades into being daily life, but it just kind of still is how things are, and it fits us. If Jay feels he needs to take a day off, no problem, I'll find the strength to sacrifice, ha! There are times that he emotionally needs that. Or physically he needs a break, poor man. Then too, he won't do maintenance when he determines that I emotionally can't handle it that night. And of course there are times we step back because of outside circumstances. Those exceptions are nice, but skipping a day doesn't derail him like skipping a punishment used to. I can pretty much expect the next night to be back to business as usual, oh joy. Unless it's Saturday. Definitely yay for Saturdays, my new favorite day of the week!


Speaking of, there are a few unwritten guidelines that he follows, that make me able to handle it better. Having Saturday off is one. It's something I felt I needed, so I don't get overwhelmed. In addition, unless I'm uncooperative, or we've entered punishment territory, he's careful at keeping it pretty light. Not that it doesn't hurt, it definitely does, but barely for a few minutes after, if that (shhh, don't tell him!). He doesn't spank me to tears, I know some do that, but that doesn't fit us. I think for us it's meant more as a reminder, like a rubber band snap to help with a bad habit. He uses only as much that he feels is absolutely necessary and no more. All of this means so much to me. He's so careful to not give me more than I can handle, both physically or emotionally. I see it always; it's why I am able to trust his lead.

Okay so about those previous questions I used to have, like doesn't it just make the whole thing pointless? It seems like it would, but honestly no. Since it's not if I get spanked but how much, believe me, that can be some powerful motivation! I don't want to add to what's already going to be happening! Plus he trusts me to do my best, and I really do try. Of course, if it's massively apparent that I'm messing up, it becomes more than maintenance. Like if he can tell I didn't try at all that day, and there's no extenuating circumstance why. In addition, if I forget to make the bed, roll my eyes, not drink a smoothie during the weekday (a rule he started because I was always getting sick), or of course say something far beyond the lines of respect, I'm extra crispy toast.


 But there's a bigger answer of why it helps us. It goes back to why we chose to do DD in the first place, which is different than a lot of couples. The end-all goal is to help me function like I'm supposed to and to help our relationship function like it's supposed to, not for me to merely stay out of trouble. I joke to make things less serious, but it's not a game. I do this dynamic because I personally need help, and I acknowledge that. It helps me, and how much it helps makes it worth it. It's worth any sacrifice to get there, even committing to this on a daily basis. Especially since rather than being a deterrent like with a punishment, maintenance strangely acts more like a jumpstart for my brain. It seems to reset my emotions too. I'm not sure why that happens and it's annoying that it does, but yeah. Pent up frustrations from the day come out that I didn't even know how to process. My thoughts that were previously all over the place come sharply into focus. I hate it, but it's true.


Okay, there's my processing. I still really wish there was a better way. The same for DD involving pain at all! But for right now, I guess, it's where things need to be. There's tons of positives that I can't ignore. All of it making it worth it. There's nights it's still hard to keep that positive attitude though.

But at least now I have a pep talk to read when I need it. 

And yay for Saturdays. :D

When It all Goes Horribly Wrong

Oh this is not a post I wanted to write. It's hard to be this transparent. Especially when we've supposed to be role models, seasoned veterans at this after almost six years. But the truth is it's important. It's important to understand, especially for those of you relatively new at this, that times like these WILL happen. Maybe not to this extent, maybe worse even. But if you're not prepared with a game plan to handle it, if you're under the impression that everything will always run how it's supposed to, it can derail you, even destroy your dynamic permanently.

The reality is that DD is not made up of a perfect HOH and perfect, s-, um, I mean, not HOH (NHOH?). It's made up of two imperfect people doing their best to work as a team in their roles for the good of each other. So there will be times when emotions go haywire. When outside stress is a factor, events trigger coping mechanisms to past traumas, when buttons are pushed, when tired and cranky, sickness...often more than one of those, or all at once even as I think happened here, producing a deadly storm. We're human. That's kind of part of it.

Now what I'm not talking about is abuse. That's different and I would never advocate that. DD is never a license for domestic violence. It is always based on trust and consensual. Anything other than that, I advise to stop immediately and seek help. I'm also not talking about a pattern of behavior. If this is constantly happening, then I would explore together why that may be and how you both can work to change it. Or maybe your relationship needs something different, perhaps not even DD at all. Don't settle for it, it's not supposed to be that way.

With that disclaimer covered, there are times when an HOH is angry, and may make an unfair determination in the heat of the moment. Or there could be a huge fight about something. He may say things in anger that cut and wound that you would never expect. There could be a misunderstanding that gets blown to giant proportions and all the problems that go with it. Whatever the specific circumstances, it happens when there are imperfect people. But with how vulnerable we make ourselves in this dynamic, this can be devastating. Even more so when we put them on a pedestal, thinking such a thing isn't possible for them to do. So what happens when it's so bad that it feels like trust was broken?

I can tell you it felt like that yesterday night.

Jay is, I think, an incredible HOH. He has earned my trust in a thousand ways, he works hard to strike the perfect balance between encouragement and um, negative reinforcement (sometimes literally, ha!), to make sure I feel I always have a voice. He's sensitive to what I can handle and what I can't, no matter how much that changes. So I have.no idea how last night even happened. One minute we were fine, both sick, yes, stressed out from our day, yes, but fine with each other. And then I made a quick decision to do something, fix something that I didn't agree with because he refused to, and, well, how do I put this...you know the movie formula of all hell breaking lose when the hero/heroine touches forbidden treasure? Kind of like that. Yes, I went into the settings of his new phone and changed something important, an accident that happened when he switched phones. It needed to be changed, and he wasn't seeing that. Plus I was pretty sure it was really because he didn't know how to fix it.

Anyway, he went ballistic. He was so so angry. I broke his trust. I violated his personal space. I rationalized it that refusing to listen to me was violating my trust, and I still think that's true, but I also know that there's no rationalization that truly works to excuse what I did. I took matters into my own hands. I can say if I had thought it through I wouldn't have.

A friend was ever so kind to help me process through this part by the way. "Geez Kay, even I know that's a rule."

"Well maybe it's like the hindsight bias thing where you only think I told you that."

"No. You've told me that it's a rule. Multiple times."

OK then I must've blocked that out. Thanks oh so so much, you know who you are. Okay yes. I'm not supposed to. Honestly though, how much it would affect him never occurred to me. I was genuinely blindsided by it. As he explained later when we talked, he has huge issues with someone touching his phone, stemming from his past. But I never expected even one tenth of the reaction I got.

I was blindsided by his harsh words, and by the horrific punishment he was talking about, completely disproportionate, I felt, to the crime committed. I didn't understand and I didn't feel heard. That's not normal, and it scared me. It brought back memories of dysfunction from my past which I projected onto the present, with all the fears that go with that. And I freaked. I tried to pull consent. He said he wasn't allowing that just because I didn't want to take what I had earned. I could make that decision after. So I decided to leave the house for a short while. What was I thinking? I don't know. I don't think I really was. I did exactly what I've advised other friends to ad nauseum not to do. He saw me gathering my hoodie and keys and then things got exponentially worse, especially things he said, his attitude, everything. I was shocked that this was the same man I trusted so much. I wouldn't let him punish. Not like this. I fought him, and he let me go. He disabled the car though, so I just went outside. He let me be alone for a bit, then came out to get me.



Now here's the crucial part, because by then, even though I wasn't showing it outwardly, because hello neighbors, inside I was a mess. I felt like I was in a bad dream.

Jay first quietly assured me that he would wait until the following night to discuss discipline, if I would agree to talk. This was an extremely important negotiation, as at that point, I felt so shaken, that's the last thing I wanted to do. This is the first hurdle to overcome. It's wise to wait a little bit, to wait for emotions to calm down, but talking needs to happen. And sometimes it's hard to get that started.


 
He started first by having him look him in the eye, which took actually a while for me to be able to do. Once he got that far, we reaffirmed one at a time, that we both still love each other no matter what. It was an important start that made the rest easier. Then we began to talk. We acknowledged that we both felt betrayed by the other's actions. We tried to stay away from blame, honestly speaking how we felt. Then we started breaking down what happened event by event, beginning with how he felt about his phone, and me, my feelings of what led to that in the first place. Everything we talked about was accompanied with my response, his response, and how both of us should have responded. This was more healing than I can express. One of the biggest hurdles to me about recovering from something like this, is the fear that it will happen again. Instead of reassuring each other that it won't, we approached it instead that it might. Not that I'll touch his phone again ha! But yes that we'll possibly again have a major fight. Yes there might be times I don't feel heard, and vice versa. Here's what to do. Here's a more constructive way to help him understand if he doesn't get how I feel the first time. And of course, that it's never okay to take it out of the house. So here's what to do instead in that case.



To summarize, we both messed up. But we acknowledged each part we played and apologized for handling each thing we handled the wrong way, we opened up about what events in our past contributed to how we felt, and created an action plan for each other. Then we fell asleep in each others' arms, knowing everything was going to be just fine.



I'm still processing through everything. I kind of can't completely because I still face tonight. I don't think it will be as severe as it would have been last night. But it sounds like he wants to make sure I remember the phone rule so it will probably be memorable. Eep. After we settle things tonight, though, I asked for a few days off from DD and he agreed to it. We'll probably start again on Sunday, new week, new beginning.


In the meantime, we'll be in a kind of rebuild phase. Trying to show we love each other as much as possible. That's our current mission, just like after every fight.


We're not role models. We're just two imperfect people doing our best to work as a team, for the good of each other.


And we try to learn from every mistake. So I have a feeling we will come out of this, having learned what to do to make that bond even stronger.