Comes Down to...Whaaa?!

Okay, so this post is going a completely different direction that I thought it would go, when I wrote my last post, but life is like that, right? Especially when you don't get to post right away. So anyway...

I left off last post with Jay, realizing some things needed to change, and listening in on a private conversation with a DD friend. Let me explain that a little bit. This friend I have, she's amazing. She's a person in this lifestyle that I turn to when I'm in trouble, because we're a lot alike, and we can support each other. Now unlike what both our husbands undoubtedly think, we don't just advise each other on ways to weasel out of trouble when we're in trouble (yeah, sometimes we give advice about ways to weasel out even before we're in trouble, hee hee!).

In all seriousness, my friend can objectively look at my situation and give me a new perspective I hadn't considered, or reinforce what I already should have realized. She can pinpoint what's really going on in a situation, just like I can usually about stuff she's going through. That's why it's great to have an outside viewpoint. And yes, she gives great advice, when I choose to listen! (Hey, don't give me a hard time, it's not like she listens every time when I give my sage advice either! [to whom it may concern: right? right? ;-P ]. But yeah, we vent together about our frustrations, and just listen to each other, or we encourage each other, and even pray for each other during hard times. DD would be so much harder without her in my life.

To this friend's credit, she listens to me vent my frustrations about my husband not being consistent, and it can't be easy for her, because she'd probably throw a party if she got one day without consistency! But even she will admit that the arbitrary way we sometimes end up living this lifestyle--never knowing when I'm in trouble or not, or what rules will be enforced that day, like it's determined by the flip of a coin--can be incredibly frustrating, even worse sometimes than the opposite. And because it's been affecting me a lot lately, and apparently because my husband and I are a topic of interest between her husband and her lately, we've been having quite a few conversations about it.

One thing she shocked me, though. "You know, Kay, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think what it comes down to is that you don't respect your husband."

Whaaa?! That was my initial inclination. Geez, tell me what you really think! I don't like being told that! Of course I respect my husband! Aren't I doing DD? Aren't I submitting, which once was to me a dirty word? (sometimes still is). Don't I love him above anything? We talk about this a lot! She knows that!

"What I mean is, you don't respect him to lead you," she continued. "You don't respect that when he says something, he'll do it."

 Well okay, I still don't like it, but she's got a point there.

She went on to explain that when I get a rule, the first thing she notices that I often do is question whether it's really a rule, since I don't really trust that he'll see it through, that I pick and choose which ones to follow, based on what I think he'll enforce. We talked about how easy it is to make DD a game, and how I lose the benefits DD gives when I do that. I know that in my head, but hearing my friend affirm that helped me. A true friend will do that for you, telling you the truth when you need to hear it, even when you don't want to hear it!

I know she's absolutely right, and her words have made me think a lot about things. Anyone who follows my blog knows that this isn't the first time I've struggled with this issue, that I've even written a ton about it. But the idea of it being about not respecting my husband puts it in a new light. It doesn't sit well with me, to be honest. I don't want to be like that. I can't change his part of it--it's true that he hasn't actually always contributed to that respect by following through. But I do want to learn to respect Jay more than I do, regardless of what he enforces or not. I just find myself constantly falling on my face, and sometimes I beat myself up about it. Not anywhere close to like I did before DD started, but still. I do know the benefits that DD gives, and how I sabotage that from happening by my attitude not being what it should be. How I work against him, and stop us from being the team we're supposed to be. I want to get there. Even if I have to battle my will every day to do it. Still, I just wish he'd make it easier sometimes, ya know? Not that I want black and white consistency at all times, but isn't there a middle road somewhere?

Anyway, I'm digressing so you have the background, but that's what we were discussing. And that's what I was venting about...with Jay listening from the other room. Okay, I should mention something about that too. Sometimes Jay does mischievous, conniving things. But this time, I've got to claim responsibility that this was totally my fault! This is a new house, and I forget sometimes that just because I'm in a room alone, doesn't mean that sound doesn't travel. Like say, if he's in the bathroom and I'm in the kitchen. So it wasn't like he had an ear up to the door violating my privacy or anything. But at the same time, he wasn't going to stick his fingers in his ears and sing la la la when he knows the conversation is about him and how things could be made better.

So he heard everything. And I'm guessing he took mental notes.

Because that night, Jay let me know it was time to enforce maintenance, or role affirmation, or whatever you want to call it, which he hadn't enforced the week before even though he was going to do it. This was a total surprise for me, because had I bet someone, my money would have been on him letting it go.

Well that turned into a punishment from a few times of disrespect during the day. So he addressed that and then he surprised me. He identified a few things I did well, in spite of our stress.

Then, "What are your goals for the week, Kay?"

"I don't know!" I answered, still distracted by the pain in my backside. Can't I just rub it a little? Geez!

"I'm not accepting that. Think of some." He waited until I named two, then he added a housekeeping one. Ugh!

"Can you do this this week?"

"I don't know!" I shrugged my shoulders. It felt overwhelming, and I had just recently been reminded of how much I hated being spanked.

"Well, let me ask you this, then. Do you think it's fair?"

"Yes," I answered, truthfully. I shook my head, frustrated. "Anyone else would find it easy," I muttered. "Still, this is me we're talking about." After a moment, I lifted teary eyes to his. "Do you think I can?"

Jay held my gaze, solemnly. "Yes I do. I have complete faith you can do it."

"Then I guess I'll trust you," I answered, trying to derive confidence from him.

"Okay, so we're agreed. You know I have to give a consequence otherwise you and I both know you're not going to do it for sure. So we'll meet back here again Sunday night. If you don't meet those goals, then I will spank, but it will be punishment, not maintenance. If you do, then I won't spank at all, and we'll just examine new goals for the week. I change my mind on the whole spanking regardless thing, I just don't want to do it, no matter how light it is."

 "Yeah but I prefer it to this kind of thing where I get punished big-time every Sunday!"

"Well, good, because I've got a solution to that! Don't get punished!" my husband said cheerily. "Now come cuddle with me. Trust me on this: things will be okay."

Uh huh. Trying...

Okay so I should interject that, technically, you can say this isn't maintenance, it's a weekly review. And ugh, it wasn't something I liked better, either! Even though I've always been not enthusiastic about the idea of getting spanked regardless, given the two choices, I actually probably would have preferred maintenance. The idea that it wouldn't hurt as much as a punishment is quite appealing! This way, it's kind of a bad punishment if I ignore the goals for the week, worse than what I usually get. BUT one thing I have learned , at least in our relationship. is that sometimes you've got to stay away from expecting rules for this stuff! Basic guidelines, maybe. Like a lot of guys out there, Jay hates doing what everyone does. He likes coming up with his own thing. And changing it if it doesn't work for him. It's his show. Not that I don't have an input, though! But I still try to understand that ultimately he's in charge, and let him lead.

And lead he did. Well up until a few days ago, he could have been nominated for HOH of the year. I wasn't able to get away with anything. I was sore a lot. He was very loving, but VERY consistent. It was annoying, but comforting. I was actually making some progress, as little as it was.

A few days ago, though, well after I wrote the last post, something happened that was quite stressful for us. And yet again, things have been unintentionally put on hold. I'm back to pondering my friend's words, and trying to give that respect on my end, even if I can't control his part of it.

So even though the circumstances have changed back to what they were previously, I'm still saying I'm done rebelling. I REALLY want to be! If Jay's consistent this week, good for him. But I'd like to not even have to find out!

It bothers me that I don't respect my husband enough. It bothers me when I treat it like a game, to see how much I can get away with. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to stop all the expectations that determine if I feel like rebelling or not.

If I can, anyway. It's not always an easy thing to do. This is, after all, me we're talking about. But I can try. And keep trying, right?

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to working on the tasks he assigned me to do this week...:)

Birthday Fun (Well Not Really)

This is it. I'm done misbehaving. I'm done with being in trouble all the time. I'm done with always sticking a polished toe across the line, (or saying to heck with it, and just leaping across). Starting today, I'm going to become a perfect angel.

Why are you all laughing hysterically? I'm serious!

I'm taking off the little horns Jay is so accustomed to seeing me wearing, and putting on this pretty halo. Isn't it sparkly, looking all like new? What?? No, that's not from lack of use! I polished it to get it looking like that, I'll have you know! And right now, for your further information, I'm rummaging around looking for an extra strong adhesive so I can make sure the dang thing stays affixed to my head...

This post could also be titled, "The Bed I Made For Myself And Now What I'm Having To Lie In Because of It" but I figured that was a little long. I will say that a lot has happened in the past few days. More than will fit in one post, so this is the first part. As has been a few other times in the past, once again a turning point happens in our dynamic when I have an opportunity to do the right thing without consequences being enforced, and handle the temptation oh so badly. Big, big oops...

You know how our friend Stormy wrote about One Good Bad Day? Well Saturday for me was a little different: it was one bad, bad day. It was a day I had a free pass, and I knew it. He didn't want me to know it, but I did. And I took advantage of it. Saturday was my birthday. It wasn't just a carpe diem, "rules are gone, so I'll take full advantage" thing though. Well, to be honest, there definitely was some of that. But it was also a tough day. I'm actually still processing through what happened for purposes of handling things better in the future. So bear with me as I figure all that out as I go and kind of take you along for the ride, okay?

I know since I'm an adult, birthdays aren't supposed to be all that big a deal anymore. But I've lived for my birthday ever since I was small, and it's hard to turn that off now. It's not very often my birthday falls on a weekend, too, so I admit, I was looking forward to it. We were actually supposed to go to my brother's, and that would have been great. But we had found out a week before that that wasn't going to work out. And since we bought the house, I knew not to expect much. And I don't care. One of my love languages may be gifts, but it means just as much to me if he went out and picked me flowers from the yard, than if he bought them, probably more even. And I don't know, I just wanted my birthday to be kind of special, to be treated like a princess. Just little ways, you know? Sweet things that a guy does to make his girl feel special, nothing big.

Jay's a wonderful guy, but he's still learning the art of this. With his past, it's no wonder it's been so difficult for him to grasp the concept. There's also a vulnerability that is hard to him to embrace. And it's hard for me to teach him. He feels weird doing it, and I feel weird asking him to do things like go pick me flowers, or say what I mean to him, or an action that means something. He's getting better, so much better, he shocks me sometimes with his sweetness. But when he's stressed, it's harder for him. So yeah, he was kind of lost on how to show me anything on my birthday. But you know, he really did try.

I didn't appreciate it though. I'm not proud of how I acted at all. I was focused on what I didn't have, instead of what I did. I was snarky and in a bad mood the majority of the day. And the fact that I felt that way, when I knew he was clueless and trying, made me feel horrible, and even more snarky as a result. Does that make any sense? Then there was also that I was receiving my monthly gift from Mother Nature at the time, which no doubt also contributed. Always a joy, this time of the month.

Well, Jay took it in stride for awhile. And boy was I on a roll! You would have thought I was going for a record, of how many times I could get away with breaking a rule! Why is it when you're in a bad mood, breaking the rules brings such a feeling of glee and evil satisfaction? And to be able to do it again and again? WOW!! What a rush! (Yeah, I know, I know, shut up!).

Well, finally, it was the don't-even-ask-how-many time of rolling my eyes and me saying the evil w word (Note: I'm not even allowed to write that word this week as a consequence of how many times I used it that day. If you're not familiar with the word that's been the bane of my DD existence, that Jay apparently is now actively trying to banish from my vocabulary, see this post and/or this post). So anyway, yeah, my husband had had enough. He finally turned to me, exasperated. "Okay, that's it,"  Jay began, sternly. "You know since it's your birthday today I'm trying really hard to ignore when you've been doing that, and your bad attitude today. I know you're having a hard day. I wish I was better at this, I really do. I'm taking all that into consideration, but geez, Kay! You're doing this again and again, and in spite of my best efforts, I'm seriously starting to get really agitated! I know that you're under the mistaken impression that you can do whatever you feel like today. But why you want to is what I don't get. You know I hate it, I can't even tell you how much I hate it! And I don't understand why you think that I deserve that!"

His expression cut me to the core. I realized this wasn't just about breaking a rule or expressing frustration, but actually hurting the person I loved most in the world by how I was acting. "No! I don't want to, I don't think you deserve it! Jay, I'm really sorry," I told him. "I wasn't thinking of it that way. I was only thinking of how I felt, and also that it was my one time I could get away with stuff! I wasn't thinking about it hurting you or making you feel disrespected."

"I know this is not the birthday of your dreams, and I feel bad about that, but give me a break, I'm trying really hard here!" Jay practically pleaded.

"I know you are," I told him. "I'm in such a crappy mood and being so selfish, and I'm sorry! It's not your fault!" 

I felt overwhelmed with guilt, and that added onto the emotions I was already feeling to make one huge confusing mess. So now I wasn't trying to do anything wrong, but still vastly succeeding because I was frustrated and my attitude was all screwed up. And I lash out as a result. So...pretty much the same result whether I tried or not. Which then made me feel even worse. Ugh!

Well now I was desperate for things to be better. I mean, really desperate. So I did the one thing I never thought I'd do: I sobbingly asked for a reset. It turned out though, my sweet Jay couldn't bring himself to spank me on my birthday (slightly different attitude than last year! ). He told me lovingly that I was just emotional, I needed food (which was true), and we'd figure it out together.

 Nice thought, right?

So after we got food, I was still struggling getting through the day as best I could. I tried to cuddle with my husband, but honestly it still was hard. It was getting late, and we needed a few things, so I asked him to go to the store while I watched our son, and stayed back to talk to a friend on the phone.

I was still talking to my friend sometime later when I heard him back in the house, HOH-ily calling me. I came to into the kitchen where I knew he was, wondering what I clearly had done wrong, and was greeted by that mischievous grin of his, as he held out a beautiful little cake (cappuccino flavored!) complete with "Happy Birthday, Kay" and a lit candle. I was seriously crying. It meant so much. He also had Cherry Garcia ice cream for me. As soon as we could get our son to bed we ate cake and ice cream, and things felt much better.

Until... he said it was time for bed, and I protested, showed open defiance, pretty much like a little kid, I'll admit in hindsight. I used a loophole I specifically knew he hated, too. He then reminded me that my birthday had already passed, that it was past 1 am, as he pointed to the time and then the room silently, like the Ghost of Christmas future. There's that big big oops again.

A short time later, that action, as well as my bad spree for the day was addressed. Ugh! A brief spanking, thankfully, but very memorable.

So that was my birthday. Anyone still around? Sorry, yeah, that post was a little long and windy. And I didn't even really get to why I so strongly don't want to misbehave anymore! About that, I should mention, as is often the case of when I screw up that badly, my actions that day had longer-term consequences. Jay wanted to make sure that kind of thing NEVER happened again. Obviously some things needed to change. And he secretly listened to my conversation with another DD friend to find out where to go from here...

But that's for another post. :)