Before And After: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I need to give myself a pep talk right about now. I struggle greatly with showing respect. Which is why, right now, I've had a very sore bottom lately, due to my husband stepping it up. I really don't want another spanking for this! Not to mention, I want to learn this, and I have every confidence I can, if I can just figure out how to change my perspective.

Even though we've been doing DD for a year now, this is still not an easy thing for me, and I suspect way more difficult than it is for some of you. If you follow my blog, you know that Jay and I have a very playful relationship. Pre-DD, though, it went farther than that--farther than what most couples allow. Which is why I'm a little nervous about sharing the specifics of this part of us, because not everyone understands it.

Don't get me wrong, we absolutely love each other with a passion. But there's a thrill in a good sparring match, you know? Well, maybe you don't, but for us, there definitely is! We used to volley insults at each other all day long, in an unspoken competition to see who could best the other. We stayed away from sensitive topics, of course, and unless a line was crossed, which we were very careful not to do, none of it was taken seriously by either of us. But it was a part of our relationship that I absolutely loved! 

When Jay first told me it was not allowed anymore, I fought it tooth and nail. And even though I understand the wisdom of that change in our dynamic, I still find myself fighting it. So I thought I'd go back to looking at the way things used to be, and how they changed, why they changed. Maybe it will help me.

This is a Before and After. A glimpse of two conversations we had, that, as my memory is that way, replay in my head like a movie (wish I had the same ability for remembering tasks, but oh well!). These conversations were from before we started DD, and a few months after. They both meant something to me, the first because of his concern that I wasn't arguing back at first (which I thought was so sweet), and the second...well, I'll let that one speak for itself! But hopefully it will show you why it's been so hard for me, and help me remember why it's so important...

That Was Before...
Jay glanced at me, his mischievous grin giving way to a concerned frown. "Kay, are you feeling all right? Are you sick or something?" He had just said something particularly clever and cutting, and instead of hearing my expected comeback, he'd gotten no answer from me at all.

I turned from staring out the car window. "Honey, I'm fine. I'm just out of it, kind of feeling tired for some reason." I was kind of in a daze from being up so late, and hadn't even been listening, to tell the truth. Normally, I'd never let one of his playful insults go unanswered.

Relieved that I was just tired, he quipped, "Or maybe...you just can't think of anything to say back!"

As usual, I couldn't resist the bait. "Yeah, like that would happen." I said, in my best sarcastic tone, "you're just lucky I'm tired, because if I wasn't, I'd make what you just said look idiotic in comparison."

 Jay shook his head, clucking his tongue condescendingly. "Sweetie, in order to do that, you'd have to have something between your ears besides empty space."

I said nothing for a moment, shaking my head.

Jay was grinning at me triumphantly. "C'mon, you know that was good," he said.

"Okay. Clever," I allowed.  "Gotta hand it to you on that one." I thought for a second. "But really, I think you're just jealous that I have a brain and you don't!"

"Wow, you are tired, if that's the best you can come up with," Jay taunted.

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever!" I said. "In fact, I can probably outdo you after taking twelve NyQuil. Yeah, and just to let you know," I said, thinking fast, "the real reason I didn't say anything was because I wasn't going to dignify such stupidity with an answer."

"Uh huh," he said. "Sure, yeah." His voice was playfully derisive."You're such a dumbass."

"I'm not-oh wait. I see. You're talking about yourself. Yeah, I agree with you." I stuck my tongue out at him, turning to look out the car window again.

"Well, you're a bee-otch!" Jay returned.

"Well, at least I'm not a..." And we were off, playing our familiar game, to see who could come up with the most creative insult, and silence the other.

I know, I know, you're shaking your head. As much as I hate to admit it, I too can see how this kind of attitude toward one another can ever so slightly clash with the DD dynamic...

And This Was After...
"What you just said was very disrespectful," Jay informed me, in a decidedly HOH tone.

Huh? Did I hear right? I stared at him, unbelieving."What? But wait a minute. You know I wasn't serious!"

"Doesn't matter. It's still not the way to talk to your husband."

What the- "But-but-" I sputtered, trying to make sense of this, "I've always talked to you that way!"I searched his face for signs of teasing.

Nope. His features might have been made of stone. "Not anymore."

Geez...okay, Mr. Meanie HOH, you wanna play it that way...fine! I thought for a second, then searched for a way to get him out of his serious kick."So, what, I'm not allowed to flip you off?"

"No!!"

"Well what if I'm stretching, I just kinda--"

"Still no!"

Hmmmmm..."Okay, truce," I said. "Peace!" I did the two finger signal, tilted it a little, than flipped my hand around.

Jay shook his head. "Really?" he said.

"I'm just saying peace to the people outside my window!" I said. "Love not war, yeah!"

"Gee, I wonder where you learned that," he said. "You don't think I'm familiar with what you're doing, when I'm the one that taught it to you?"

Ha! Leverage! Yup. He used to do that kind of thing in photographs and stuff, sometimes in front of my conservative family, just to be a brat. "Well, see, that's my point! YOU taught it to me! I was as innocent as a newborn lamb, and YOU corrupted me!" So take that!

"So, by the logic you like to use, since, according to you, I caused the problem, it's my job to fix it, right? Set everything the way it's supposed to be? Because, just to let you know, I have no problem doing that!"

Well that shut me up! I couldn't even think of a response. But it's hard to leave something he says completely unanswered. It eats at me to not give some kind of response, for my own satisfaction, even if he can't see it. So I tipped my sunglasses down, and rolled my eyes.

"Uh...Sweetie? You do realize I can see through your sunglasses, right? And you know that's not allowed anymore."

Grrrrrrrr! I crossed my arms, and turned away, anger welling up within me. I fumed, and felt angry tears sting my eyes."It's not fair," I muttered.

"What was that?"

"I said," I slowly enunciated, turning back, "It's not fair! You can't take sparring out of our relationship! I love that about us! And I'm not going to let you!"

"That's not your decision."

I do NOT like being told that! "Well, I'm still not going to let you," I pouted. "I didn't sign up for this."

"No, you wanted me to help you with some areas you acknowledge you need to change, right?"

"Yeah!" I shot back. "Not this!"

"Okay Kay, but we need this."

You powertrippy..."No we don't!" I shouted.

"Tone," Jay gently reminded. I scowled darkly. "First of all, there's the issue of our child, and the example we set for him.You really want him thinking that's okay to do? Names and insults?"

Dang it! Good point! "We can be careful!"

"Can we? I don't know that we can! But aside from that, Sweetie, how do you propose that you'll be able to listen and obey me, if you don't respect me?"

"What?! I DO respect you!"

Jay turned to me with that are-you-kidding-me look that he likes to do. "Really."

"Really! Honey, I do respect you! I wouldn't be able to do this lifestyle if I didn't! I just don't want to lose that about us!"

"And we won't. I'm just saying we need to dial it down. You don't listen to me, and you don't obey me, because you always think of it as a competition. And it's not! It's not a sparring match, Kay! We're either playing a game, or we're actually doing something here. Which is it? Are you serious?"

"Yes!" I insisted.

"Then you need to change your whole attitude of how you think about things, if this is going to work. I know you don't like it. And we can see about adding it back in to a point, later, when we learn the balance, but right now, this is something you need to do for me, okay?"

"Okay."

We drove in silence for a few minutes, me wrapped in my own thoughts. That look in his eyes, when he said I didn't respect him, that I glimpsed just for a moment, left me unsettled. I know respect is so important to a guy. He said he doesn't get that from me. Does he really feel that way? And that vulnerability that I fleetingly saw, have I been hurting him because he hasn't felt that from me?

"Jay," I falteringly broke the silence.

"Yeah, Sweetie," he answered.

"Um...when you said that, I don't respect you...well, I know that respect is so important to a guy, that you guys need it.." I continued, in my normal beat-around-the-bush, sort-out-my-thoughts-as-I-go kind of way.

"What, Kay?" Jay prodded impatiently.

"Well...do you really feel that way?"

Jay turned to me, and his face was very serious. "Yeah, I really do," he said.

"Does it hurt you?"

"I don't like it," he answered.

"Do you get resentful?"

"Well, yeah, sometimes...sometimes a lot " he confided. "You have the degree, you know how guys are. What do you expect? Even since we started this, you just fight me and fight me, and fight me, and, you have no idea how frustrating it is to be in this position, sometimes I just don't want to do it anymore."

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. I never want him to feel that way! "I'm so sorry," I said sincerely. "I love you so much, and I know that you need to feel that from me, just like I need to feel cherished. I do respect you, I do. But...I just need to learn how to show it. Do you believe me that do want to?"

Jay looked in my eyes. "Yeah, I do," he said. "I know you love me, and I know you've grown in the short time since we've started this. But now it's time for a new level. I had to learn some things, now it's your turn. Kay, I need you to start listening to me, to stop seeing me playfully as a rival, and take what I say seriously. You can't get in the mindset to do that if you're dismissing everything I say and calling me a dumbass. Don't you get that?" 

I sighed. "Yeah, Hon. I see what you mean. I'll really try hard. I'm sorry I've fought you so much, I'll stop. I want you to feel respected. And if this is the way you want me to, then I will try my hardest." I swallowed. "Please don't give up on me!"

"Sweetie, I have to work on it, too. It's not just you. But we need to do this."

"Yeah."

"You know I don't like being serious all the time either," my husband said. "But it's about learning the balance. So you stop fighting me every second of the day, okay?  We can still tease each other and have fun. But there has to be a line, and that's a line you're not allowed to cross. You still need to show me, respect, okay?"

"Okay, I will." And I meant it.

*       *       *

It's been almost a year later since that conversation. A year of reworking my attitude, learning to curb my normal responses to things. It hasn't been easy, and as my present circumstance proves, I don't always succeed! I forget easily why I need to be trying so hard at this. So I'm reminding myself, in hopes that I'll remember.

So my husband can feel the respect that I want him to know I have for him. And so hopefully I learn these lessons a little quicker. :)

My HOH's Pain in the Butt, and My Asinine Mistake

So I know all of you are waiting for the post from last weekend, and I promise it's coming; it involves some coordination, and getting some pics together, so I can't post it yet. But in the meantime, I'll tell you about something that happened this week, and let me say I'm SO thankful for the anonymity that the internet affords! Because I am sorry to say I reached a new level for asinine decisions...

Backing up though. Just in case you're jumping to conclusions, Jay's major pain in the butt is not me, although he'd probably playfully beg to differ, knowing him. But that's for another post. So what is this about? Well, a couple days ago, my hubby came home with a sore backside. The poor guy went fishing, and got a little bruised and sore. I know, such a tragedy. It tears me up every time I hear him complain how it hurts to sit down. Really it does. Okay trying to keep a straight, sympathetic face and not burst into uproarious laughter...trying, trying...dang it, it's just too hard!

Because in reality, it's quite difficult to keep a wide grin of glee off my face at the prospect of my dear HOH getting a taste of his own medicine. I'm trying hard though. Trying not to use the terms, "sweet revenge" and "poetic justice." I have used "the smallest violin" bit he always teases me with when he wants to illustrate his extreme lack of sympathy to my bottom being sore. I got "the look" for that. But c'mon, it's not my fault he can dish it out but can't take it! Geez... Okay, I'll stop the snickering...got control again...yeah. So horrible for him. 

As crushed as I am about this present situation, SIGH, I was hopeful I could find a silver lining. I thought for sure, since he could identify with my pain, maybe he'd be more merciful. Boy was I wrong on that one! If anything, it seems like he's been more eager to spank! I've been a good wife, though. I've bent over backwards to help him out. (just so you know, bending over backwards results in a lot less pain then having to bend over frontwards). And I took on a nurturing role to help him.

So, um...before I tell you about this next part, can I digress for a moment and say how much I HATE having ADHD? Particularly the impulsive thing. Like when I act or blurt out something before I think about the consequences? Yeah, it's not good. Particularly when it happens as a result of being overly tired and, I confess, heady with power. You know, the power that comes from seeing him in the same situation as me; the power that accompanies a sing-song, "ha ha ha ha ha!" Yup. The kind of power that can get very dangerous.

Getting back to what happened. Well, being the good wife that I am, I offered a few suggestions. I could soothe his achy muscles with some Ben Gay or even better, we could pick up some capsaicin cream, which is for arthritis, and would probably really help, I told him. Now if you're not gasping and don't get what I was doing, just know that capsaicin cream can be used to give the same effect as a spanking, complete with sting. It's my worst nightmare, something Jay was never supposed to know about, but in the heat of the moment...well, I claim temporary insanity. And just so you know, so you don't think I'm completely a horrible person, I was only going to use the teensiest bit, like way less than a drop, and if it was capsaicin cream, not even where it was irritated. I don't have a death wish! But cmon, what a perfect opportunity, right? And it's not like I don't have plenty to get him back for! If you don't believe me, read my recent posts...

Anyway, Jay and I play pranks on each other a lot, and unfortunately Jay has developed a kind of "prank radar" that gets in the way sometimes of my evil plans. Only sometimes, for the record. But, unfortunately, this was one of those times. I wasn't being careful enough, and he sensed I was being a little too sweet. So he refused my kind offer, then played the "honesty" card, asking about my intentions.

Now this is when it's hard being in a DD marriage! Because I vowed from the very beginning I would never lie to him. And I don't break that rule, no matter what the consequences. Which meant I had to be truthful. Grrr! I tried to play it off, answering as nonchalantly as I could. Hoping he'd let it go. Umm...yeah. That was going to happen! In what played out, scarier than any horror movie, he asked a few questions to clarify some things that I had been keeping vague. I grudgingly answered, kicking myself for not considering this dreadful outcome.

Jay wore a little smile as he reached to turn off the light, then cuddled me close for sleep. "That may be a good idea for trips-it could make things a lot easier," he whispered in my ear, his voice sickeningly sweet.
Crap, crap, and dang it! Grrrrrrrr! I considered flipping him off, wondering if the room was dark enough to get away with it. My husband doesn't usually latch onto ideas. So why did he have to like this one? Arghhh!

I went to sleep hoping he'd forget. He didn't mention it for a few days, so I thought I was in the clear. And then came yesterday night. I got in trouble for not completing a task, and not obeying immediately some things that he'd asked me to do throughout the day. As he snuggled me close afterward, after affirming me of his love, encouraging me to do better, he wished me a good night. I closed my eyes to sleep, enjoying his presence. And then I heard unwelcome words break the silence, HOHy-toned words. "Make sure you go ahead and get some of that capsaicin cream as soon as possible. I'd like to try it out."

CRAP! I know, I know, I dropped the ball on this one, BIG TIME. I'm really intelligent, I promise! But wow, this was a massively dumb thing to let happen. Ugh! So now I'm weighing my options. Maybe I can find a convincing article about the dangers of capsaicin! (Coming up short after looking--can someone write something, please?). Maybe taking the tube and diluting it somehow? Or just..uh...running to another country until hopefully he forgets? If it would work, I might entertain the thought...grrrrrrrr!

I guess the only thing I can do is be on my best behavior as I ponder why is he getting that good at this? And WHY do I keep helping him! Ugh!

A Quick Note...

So I feel I've got to apologize to a lot of my bloggie friends--I've kind of been MIA from blogland lately. This was our last week before Jay starts his job, so we've been on vacation! And I don't think I've read one blog for like a week, haven't responded to comments, nothing....so lots to get caught up on! I will get to everything, though, when I get a free moment, in between daily tasks, and Baby J teething, lol. I think I've missed a lot! :)

I have things to write about on here too, and I will, as soon as I can! Like I said, we went on vacation, among other things! And I have something massively cool to tell you about! Wait until you hear... :D

But Jay starts his new job tomorrow, and doesn't want me on the computer. So I'm going to go be obedient, and loving and stuff! Don't worry, though, I'll update soon! :)

A Year Ago

A year ago, today, I was starting my first day of a temporary contract, a contract based on DD, intended to help me get ready for my becoming a mother.

A few weeks before that, I remember Jay was so frustrated from me keeping him up late and that the house was an absolute disaster, that he took my laptop and unhooked the TV before he left for work. I was livid. So I rehooked up the wires to the TV (did he think I was that much an idiot?), and just to be a brat, made sure I was watching it when he returned. A week after was when he had his dream that I briefly talked about in my post: The Journey Thus Far. A few days after that, I was finding out about DD, and made the decision, for the good of my child and also, my marriage, that it wouldn't hurt (um...much) to submit for a period of forty days, extendable by a few weeks if I needed it. It only takes 28 days to make a habit, right? It was a decision born of desperation and frustration, a last attempt to conquer this part of me that messed with my self esteem for so long, and threatened to destroy our family.

In order to make the coming necessary evil I would have to endure seem more bearable, I tried to think of it like a Boot Camp, forty days of Basic Training, that, while it would be undoubtedly be hell, would give me the help I needed when we returned to...real life. Not knowing, of course, that I was changing our lives forever...The contract I wrote my husband for those forty days is below:

Boot Camp In Preparation For Baby J

Because I have a lot more to give up than you, I need the comfort that this will only last until September 25, and then we can talk about whether it worked and mutually decide what to do from there. We also need to discuss on a weekly basis how it’s going.

I’m doing this because:

• I need to learn how to do this stuff in preparation for the baby, and the only way I can be in the mindset to be motivated to develop the necessary habits, requires complete submission in every area, not just this one.
• To open my eyes to what you most desire in a wife, so that afterward we can find the happy medium that serves both our needs, not just mine.
• To prove to myself that I can do this stuff, which so often I end up thinking impossible
• To prove to you that I’m not going to quit, and I care enough to change, even though it’s a scary and painful process.
• To build trust between us, and lessen our frustration.

You have full authority. It’s your house, I completely submit to you, for the length of this agreement. I have no say in how this household runs, unless you, in your leadership, give me say. This is a completely private agreement, not to be discussed with anyone. The only restriction is nothing abusive/cruel/unusual, which I know you’d not do anyway.

Your Part:

Understand this isn’t easy for me. It’s completely jumping off a cliff as far as trust goes, and trusting you to catch me – I need constant reassurance and praise, even more than the other.

Understand you hold my entire well-being in your hand. I’m trusting you with complete authority, so please consider my well-being first at all times.

Consistency. Hate to admit this, but otherwise this won’t work, as I’d always subconsciously be testing boundaries. Not that mercy in how much intensity can’t happen, though.

Recognize when I’m being a brat that something’s wrong, and talk to me and offer to pray with me. And if it’s bad, at your discretion, and nothing else works, maybe give something way less severe just to help my attitude so I don’t end up making it worse and have to pay for it later.

Warn me if I think we’re playing and I cross a line. Like, “Kay, not right now. Anything more is disrespect.” Then if I continue, I know what to expect. Getting punished when I don’t know the line is not conducive.

My Part:

I will obey whatever you say to do, including coming when called, without hesitation, and without having to be told twice.

I won’t question anything you say to do, unless I have asked and been given permission to question.

I will be completely transparent and honest, I will hold nothing back, no matter the cost.

I will eat healthily everyday and be accountable for it.

I will always get ready for the day, unless I’m super-ill, and the bed will be made without fail (and the window open when you get home).

I will be in bed at precisely 10 on weekdays unless you okay otherwise.

I will do everything assigned for that day to the best of my ability, not cutting corners (even if you’d never find out).

I will keep a positive attitude and not say anything negative about myself (unless you are trying to find out what’s wrong and give me permission to speak freely).

I will never scream at you or lose my temper, call you names out of anger, or do anything that you feel disrespectful at that moment (and I’ll stop sparring the second you warn me).

Every part of this agreement will be in effect until September 25, whether I regret it or not, and in no way can I terminate/change it early without your consent, except for medical or extreme just cause. Such efforts are cause for consequence.

Either for breaking any of these rules, or anything else you deem fit, that I will accept whatever consequence you give me without trying to weasel or bargain my way out of it, whether I agree with it or not. I won’t protest, unless given permission to speak my mind. I will submit during it, trusting that you will make sure I stay safe, even if I don’t feel that way. And afterward, I will not sulk or have a bad attitude, or hold it against you in any way.

***

So there you have it. Our first contract. A year ago today, I got my first spanking under the new rules. And opened up a door that would lead to a new life. I thought I would suffer through it, and hopefully come out of it a better person. Instead, I saw everything transformed, and realized I'd been wrong about everything.

I saw my husband change before my eyes. He stepped up as the leader of our home, and the way he began to show me he cherished me, was something I had never seen before. Resentment was gone. Cold wars were gone. And I discovered submission was not worst of all evils, like I had thought.

September 25th came, we talked, and Jay asked me to be willing to extend our contract to November 1st. I agreed to do so, and long before November 1st, both of realized this was no longer a temporary thing. And as soon as the trial period had ended, we made it official: this was our new reality.

The contract has changed; rules were amended, our reasons for doing this have changed, I DO have a say (just not the final say), and compromises were reached. Over this past year, there have been times when we've thought of shelving DD completely in frustration (and taken brief hiatuses), we've fought about consistency, we've tested out our old way of handling problems, and we've worked through lots and lots issues. We struggled with knowing where the line was: him both thinking I'd be resentful, if he corrected me and learning what was too far; me wanting to push and push and push (where is the boundary?). Both of us testing each other's resolve. But we have grown, we're finding our rhythm for the most part, and now DD is just a part of our life, This Thing We Do.

Jay discovered that he can be comfortable in his role of HOH, and also...that he's a spanko. He discovered how to think about my needs first, how to talk through problems, and how to encourage me. Between you and me, he wasn't very good at knowing how to do any of those things before we started this lifestyle. And, he's even way better at it, now, than he was a month ago.

I discovered that I can submit (I think), and, just in case I doubted it, that I'm a spank-ohhellno (thanks, Stormy, for the term!). I discovered how to be completely vulnerable and honest, how to be okay with him leading me, how to tell him what I need and trust that he has my best in mind. How to trust him, even when he has a paddle in his hand. I've learned that it's a struggle to learn how to be an HOH, just as it is a struggle to learn to be submissive--that we're in this together.

So for those of you who have just started this journey, and are frustrated at all the things that haven't happened yet, know that it's a process. It might just take some time. Even though it took a year to get where we are, it took over eight months to even begin to understand our roles, and begin to be comfortable with them. I remember the frustration, the mistakes, the growing pains we both had this first year, especially for the first eight months! So be patient, and realize you're in this together!

And we're still newbies, too. We're not the perfect example of how DD should be done. We're still very much finding ourselves. I haven't become a absolute angel (stop your snickering, people!). Yes, it's true, I get in trouble almost every day. Not big trouble...but, usually for something. In my defense, our contract didn't get more serious until the last few months, and there's a lot I'm still having to get used to. But aside from changes, admittedly, there's a lot that I still need to work on! I still hate the word "no" and "now". I still REALLY struggle with defiance and attitude and instantly obeying, not to mention time management. My husband, too, has areas he needs to grow in, as well. But we're helping each other. And positive things are happening.

So that's a summary of what has happened since our journey began! It makes me wonder what I'll be able to say next year? :)

My Conniving, Devious HOH (Part 2)

If you didn't see what first Jay did, you can find Part 1 here. And as promised, here is Part 2:

To set the scene, I must explain that Jay hates computers. Due to a disability, he hardly ever goes online or reads anything, and going onto a chat is especially unthinkable. That's something I've never had to worry about. Did I mention, though, that he's wicked creative? Yeah, and he's also a prankster. But not about that. Never.

What's that? Some saying about, "Never say never?" Okay, yeah, maybe that is good advice. Especially when underestimating a devious, conniving HOH.  And yes! I know you see where this is going! Of course you do! (smart people). Should I have? Probably! But c'mon, you think you know a person, you do tend to let your guard down! And they say hindsight is 20/20, right?

Anyway, I belong to a network called the Learning Domestic Discipline Network. It's like Facebook for DD, really cool, but the best feature is the chat, where anyone who's on at the time can chat with everyone else, at once. Most nights, we girls take over. We cheer up those who are having a hard time (or who are in trouble), encourage and support each other, swap stories, both DD and non-DD related, laugh A LOT, and generally have just one giant party. It's absolutely incredible. And unlike anything I've ever seen. You can be yourself there in a way you can't in blogland, and get to know people on a way more intimate level. It's a support system that has become so important to me, and Jay knows that. He encourages it. But...it can also be addicting. So I do have a computer curfew. Jay will suspend this curfew, however, if I'm having a bad day, or if there's something going on that makes for a good argument.

Well, that night, I had a such a reason--helping to welcome a pretty cool new member that had finally joined. ;) He knew this was important to me, so he gave in. It could have also been that I'd been good most of the day. Can I hear a yay for me! Admittedly, yes, I'd messed up in the morning, but the rest of the day, I'd recovered, found my halo, polished it, and made sure it was shining above my head. Really, I promise!

So I was at the computer chatting with my friends, and Jay decided to give Baby J a bath. Digressing here: it's such the cutest thing! Our son loves the water, and he loves being in his daddy's arms. Combine the two, and wow, he just chortles with joy the whole time. It's a sight to see.

But getting back to our story, I'm busy having a great time, when I hear my name, my full name. This is an understood message in our house, that I'm to drop whatever I'm doing instantly, and come to him. As in: not type another letter. Yup. Jay loves that instant obedience thing. Me? Not so much! Because c'mon, computer chat etiquette here! You're supposed to say goodbye or brb (be right back), or something! But...I've had experience with what happens when I don't obey, and I'd rather pass on the face-down, squirming, squealing thing! Besides, tonight I had my halo on. So for once, I actually did obey, as I was supposed to, leaving right then and there. Can I hear another yay for me!

As I do when his bath is over, I gathered our little one in a soft towel, and did not protest when Jay told me to take the baby, dress him, and put him to bed. I didn't say that I was busy. I did all this cheerfully, like a good wife--without complaint, remember--and as soon as my son was fully enraptured by his nightly mobile light show, I hurried back to the computer.

Yay, back to the party! Hmm, wonder how much I've missed. I read the conversation that was currently going on. There was a lot of "he this" and "he that". Being sweet? Flowers? Taking her out on a date? What? Was there a guy on that they were trying to help counsel on how to treat a girl? I looked to see if any other them had come online. Nope. Huh. So I started scrolling through really fast to get to the point where I left, to see what I missed, right? I was trying to make sense of the conversation, which didn't make any sense at all, when I saw the line, from one of my friends, "It's Kay's HOH." Huh? Why are they talking about him?

So I scrolled back fast to where I left the room, and started reading. That's when I saw my screen name, again and again, along with my husband's name, and oh my goodness, the puzzle pieces fit together!

"What the...oh no, you didn't-hey!" I sputtered at my husband, who had been doing his best to look nonchalant, but now burst into hysterical laughter.

Yup, my devious, conniving (insert respectful but appropriate word here) husband had taken my screen name, and gotten on the site with my friends, while I was gone! While I was being cheerfully obedient and all that! Grrrrrrrrr!

I glanced over at Jay, shaking my head in disbelief. Mr. Evil HOH of course was having a grand time watching me put two and two together--it only took me about ten seconds--and by now, he was laughing so hard, he was near crying.

I quickly wrote a "what the-oh no he didn't!" to my friends, then scrolled back up to look at what my dear sweet husband was actually saying.

Umm...yeah. How about saying we needed to have "a DD night", and trying to pump them for information against me! How's that for corruption of power! To my credit, I did not clobber my husband, or beat him with a pillow, like he so richly deserved. (Yup, I knew he would easily just turn me flip me over, and spank me, but that's not the point). I kept my cool. I was proud of myself for that, but it doesn't mean I don't deserve revenge!

A shoutout to all my friends who defended me, in the face of such a foul deed! Of course, I should say that Jay was just playing around. He knew my friends would never throw me under the proverbial bus, and he already had a reason to spank me anyway, from the morning. I don't like to, but I reluctantly give him kudos. He saw a chance to play a prank, something I'd never expect, and he ran with it. And boy, was he right! He never does anything like that, or should I say never did in the past...OMG who is this guy, and where's the guy I married? Geez!

So yeah, I have give the guy credit. But should I let something like that go unanswered? Maybe, except that the night wasn't quite over...

"Kay, we need to go to bed. I'm tired."

"Okay, Hon," I answered, watching Jay's features for signs of what was to come.

Was he going to spank me for the morning? I had been disrespectful and defiant then. He had said that I would be facing a spanking. But I had been good after that! So was it possible that I had redeemed myself? He wasn't saying anything, and I certainly wasn't going to bring it up! Jay hates that, it pretty much guarantees a spanking, even if he wasn't planning to...

But maybe this was one of those times he was going to let things go, let us just go to bed. I was hopeful. And I had been good the whole rest of the day, even when he'd played his prank I'd been good! That maybe should count for something, right?

I got ready for bed quickly. Couldn't hurt, right? But Jay was already in bed, covers pulled up around him, when I came in the room. I breathed a silent sigh of relief. Dodged a bullet! He was going to let it go! Yes! I quelled the desire to do a happy dance, but I still couldn't help smiling. Jay, meanwhile, was watching me. And I couldn't help notice his eyes were smiling a little too much.

"What? What's up? Why are you smiling?" I said, suspiciously. With my HOH, you pretty much always have to be on your toes.

"Oh nothing," Jay said. "Just smiling at you because you're smiling at me." Dirty liar! 

I studied his features another moment, then shrugged. I got ready to get into bed, then pulled back the covers to...reveal the evil paddle lying there. Oh crap. Not getting out of this after all. I sighed.

Jay was laughing at me again. My thoughts were all over my face, I'm sure. And he of course, was having fun! HOH's! Grrrr.... 

"You thought I'd let this morning slide?" my husband chuckled. "Oh Sweetie, that's so cute!"

Oh, I did not want to hear that! I put my feelings away, forced myself to smile, and got quickly into bed, laying down on my back, completely ignoring the paddle lying there. I gave an exaggerated sigh of contentment.

"Uh...nice try," Jay commented, with amusement. And then the amusement was gone. "Roll over!" Suddenly it was just me and my HOH. And that paddle I'd love to introduce to a bonfire. SIGH.

Jay does joke around a lot. But when it comes time for a consequence, then it gets completely serious. So I listened to the lecture, about attitude and respect. And was reminded again, during the lecture and after the spanking that followed, why he had to be consistent. Grrrr! He did say it was lighter than it would have been had I not turned my attitude around. I guess that's comforting, at least!

After tears of contrition were done, we snuggled close. "So c'mon, you gotta admit, that one was good, and you know it," Jay said. "I got you--both times today!"

"Uh, okay. Yeah, you're clever. I'll say it. But I have one question-"

"What that, Sweetie?"

"Where's the guy that hated all this? I mean, you're not only not reluctant, you enjoy it!"  I accused. "And dang it, I want my non-spanko husband back!"

"Guess you're out of luck! I already told you, Kay, you messed that up! He's gone!" Jay answered, with a smirk. "Now you're stuck with ME, and I like being HOH. I'll tell you again, I don't like when I have to punish you for something big, but the rest of it, sorry, Sweetie, I'm going to enjoy my job, and there's nothing you can do!"

There's nothing I can do? Nothing I can do?! Uh..."Yeah, well, I'll get you back!"

"Uh, huh. Think first where that will lead to! Because I think you know!" Jay sing-songed.

Oh I do know. Grrr! So here I am, powerless. C'mon, everyone! Anyone have any ideas on what to do for revenge to a conniving, devious HOH? That will NOT get me spanked? Because if any HOH deserves it, it's this one! And then again, maybe it's worth being spanked if I can get revenge...heh, heh, heh.

My Conniving, Devious HOH (Part 1)

Have you heard the phrase, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely?" Well I believe it! And if you don't, I have a great example to show you. The first of many, in fact. Because somebody around here has been getting a little too comfortable with all his power. And it's getting dangerous! For me!

I love my Jay. Really, I do. He's an amazing husband: passionate, loving, wonderful sense of humor, and wow, model hot! But lately I've been having very unsubmissive thoughts--like how great it would be to tie him down and paddle him! Or pour the precious Dr Pepper he's always drinking over his head! Heh heh heh. Or I could...well, I could go on, but I don't want you to think too badly of me. Really, though, this one is on him! He's done some things, and I want revenge, dang it! And once you hear, I don't think you'll blame me. Because not only is the guy embracing his role of HOH, he's starting to take pleasure in it. I kid you not! I don't even know who this guy is! He used to be so predictable! Umm...not anymore! Now, he's getting wicked creative! He's always been good at being devious--I already knew that. But now, he is putting those skills to use on the DD front! Ugh!

So a few days ago, we were traveling in the truck, and since we've been so busy and I've had no time, I decided I should get caught up on reading blogs. So I'm doing this on my phone as he's driving, and I came upon the new post from Stormy at Shelter in the Storm. It was her Stormy's New Top Ten post about ways to avoid spankings. And of course, because our friend Stormy is absolutely hilarious, it wasn't long before I was giggling.

Jay cocked an eyebrow. "What are you snickering at?" he asked. "Texting again?"

"No," I answered, not bothering to think. "I'm reading Stormy's blog." Can anyone please remind me not to say the first thing that comes to my head always? Confound my ADD!

"Really? What's it about?" Yes, I know, I know, Chance #2 here! I could have said a billion things, but nope! "Her new list to get out a spanking," I answered, without hesitation.

Now taking a moment here, in my defense of my seeming stupidity, my husband doesn't read blogs. He couldn't care less. So I was innocent here, an unsuspecting lamb being led to the slaughter. I had no reason to hide anything from him. Sure, he'd gained an idea once or twice before, but the chances of him actually caring now were slim to none. Or, yeah, so I thought! Boy, was I wrong!

"Okay, read it aloud."

I turned and stared at him. "What?!"

"Read it aloud right now, from start to finish."

"But-but Hon, this type of thing is no HOH's allowed! You can't ask me-"

"I'm not asking. I'm telling you, as your HOH." He took one look at my face, and continued, "so if you don't it's...direct disobedience." He drew the word out with dark meaning.

"You'd spank me over not reading a blog," I reiterated in disbelief.

"Yep," Jay replied, matter-of-factly.


I studied his features. Yeah, he was smirking. But joking? No way! So I read it, as he asked.

Which, after recovering from laughing, he proceeded, in a very HOH manner, to dissect for similarities on how I weasel out of things. Were there things he was able to identify? Of course there were! Great minds think alike, right? And with him, due to my evil cleverness, mwahhaha, a lot of those actually work, worded in just the right way. Well I should say, did work. Because not anymore! Since then, I've had to hear how "that particular manipulation is not going to fly anymore, Kay! In fact, now you're in more trouble!" Again and again. Yup. My excuses not only don't fly anymore, they don't even leave the ground (Where's some Red Bull when you need it? Because there's new wings needed here...),

And oh yeah. He especially liked the bribery one. As in, he used it to get something he wanted! No joke! Not that I wasn't going to give in anyway, and yeah, I got a great deal out of it too, but c'mon, principle here! Hath he no shame?! 

So anyway, clipped wings and unraveled loopholes. But the damage doesn't stop there. Oh no, my friend. You'll have to wait though... :)

On Cloud Nine

Admittedly, my last post was pretty despondent. This lifestyle is sometimes hard! Change is hard! What's that verse, Romans 7:19: "The things I want to do, I don't; the things I don't want to do I do..." (NLT). Yeah, that's exactly how I feel, like..a lot! And some weeks are just really bad. Like last week. But then, wouldn't you know it...reprieve! I was called in for work for three days! And, as I've mentioned before, I start to work, and TTWD goes...poof! Far, far away! In fact, it doesn't even seem to exist to my freedom-drunk mind! So yeah, I was on Cloud Nine for like three days. My poor Jay! He didn't get the memo that we had taken a break! Uh...but maybe that should be a different post...Anyways, with work being over, as always happens, real life comes back, and with it, spankings, and watching my attitude, and trying to avoid trouble...all while it chases after me! I'm completely innocent, honest!

Yet aside from dealing with all this, we have been having such a sweet time together, and I've been working hard to make sure we're always VERY busy (took your advice, Rogue, thanks, teehee!).  So this day we were on a long drive to fix a friend's boat and spend some time together, and I again bring up the subject of my frustration. After all, even though we'd touched on it, it wasn't really resolved yet! I didn't think my husband really understood what I was feeling. Not his fault, I just have a tough time putting things like that into words. I wrote my heart. On the other hand, my trying to tell him, impromptu...well, I'm sometimes not good at it. So I wanted him to read my entry. To explain, my husband knows I have a blog, but has never read it. That's not his thing. And just this one time, I wanted him to know how I felt.

"Why can't you just tell me?" Jay asked, slightly exasperated. "I don't necessarily want to listen to something that you're just reading!"

"But that's the thing, Hon," I tried to explain. "I don't always know how to put my feelings into words. I've always been a better writer than a talker. When I write, everything I want to say, but can't, all of a sudden comes flowing out. You want to know what's inside my heart, what I'm struggling with at any given moment, it's in what I write!"

"Okay, then, read it."

"What?" I asked, realizing I was unprepared for him to actually agree so soon.

"Read your blog entry." Jay repeated.

I swallowed hard, trying to think. Suddenly I felt very shy. Jay knows I've written since I was a teen, but he's never read any of my writings, or my blog. Again, not his thing. So all of a sudden thoughts began to swirl through my head. What if he thinks my writing is horrible? And what's more, this is not necessarily the entry I wanted him to read to see what my blog is like! I mean, it is a little serious and whiny... I sighed. This is what I had been asking for, right? So I swallowed my nervousness, and read it to him.

And afterward waited. "Do you have a response?" I finally said.

"Sweetie, I know things are hard, but you can't give up," he said. "You need to believe in yourself and in me. We can persevere through this, but you need to keep pressing on. Remember, I'm beside you in this."

We talked. It was good. We got on the same page. And that night, as we cuddled together after I was spanked (yeah, I got in trouble that night too, a valid reason, but we'll leave that alone), we talked some more. "I want you to know that I do see you are improving," Jay whispered.

"Really? You really see that? Even though I get in trouble so much?"

"Yeah, I absolutely do," he said. "Now when you work and usually for like a week afterward, then it's like you have to readjust to everything. You fight me and everything's a struggle. But then you go back to trying and everything's good again."

"Well, what about this week?" I asked.

"I can see it's a struggle for you, but you're bouncing back quicker than you normally do, and I'm proud of you for that."

Wow! My husband praised my efforts, and I'm hearing it from the one who really does know: things ARE working! Not saying everything's now easy, but all of sudden, the burden has been lifted from my shoulders. He's right. I do need to believe in myself more. I can press on and persevere. And see the good that's happening, not just what still has to happen. Because we are moving forward, even if it's with baby steps. I can rest in that, as much as I can rest in his arms.

Now that's real Cloud Nine. :D

Frustration

So I know a lot of people have been waiting for an update. Well I can say that the time home with my husband has been so wonderful in many ways. Micromanaging didn't happen, because all of a sudden, life intervened, and Jay just wants to hold off on something like that for awhile.

There's part of me that's absolutely elated about that, I can't deny it. But I must admit I've still been struggling. Sometimes I don't feel cut out for DD, to put it carefully. I want to obey my husband with all my heart. I want to be submissive. I want to do my freakin' chores without procrastinating or attitude. I want my husband to feel honored. And yet no matter how hard I try...or try to try maybe...I don't know. It just doesn't happen.

Yesterday was a super hard day for me. Just because we're not doing the micromanaging thing, doesn't mean that some of the rules he talked about aren't being enforced. That means being offline from 11-4 (or after, until I get my daily task done--which by the way is supposed to be done by 3:30 now). And offline for the night at 8pm sharp. It means watching my attitude, and obeying immediately. And yesterday...well, I just got discouraged.

Yes, I was being lectured, but it wasn't my husband's lecturing that made me upset. It was the fact that I just keep messing up, and it feels like I can't stop, ever. And so in the midst of telling me one more thing that I'd done wrong, and how I needed to get this task finished, I threw up my hands in frustration.

"You know what, I don't care!" I shouted.

"Really," Jay warned, ominously.

"Really!" I shot back.

He shook his head. "Okay, Kay," he said. "You have to do what you have to do. But are you sure?"

"It's not going to matter anyway!" I blurted out. "I might as well just be done!" I flipped my hair stubbornly, and glared at him, my body language clear. Looking back, I'm not sure if I was more glaring at him or myself.

My husband sighed. "Fine, that's all I need to hear. You need to drop what you're doing and go to the bedroom."

"Right now?" I protested. I mean, usually I have until the end of the night!

"Right now!" Jay clarified.

"But I don't want to!" I pouted.

"Oh well," he sing-songed, unsympathetically.

I trudged into the bedroom, him on my heels. He used our bad paddle. The swats were fast, instead of the slow ones he usually gives. I had a hard time keeping position. And of course, was crying by the end.

"We're both stressed out," my husband, told me, as he held me afterwards. "But we need to not take it out on each other, and you need to get your mind right, to where it's supposed to be, okay?"

I nodded. I felt horrible, and not just from the paddle. But he was right. So I went back to the task that seemed so overwhelming.

I did well for awhile. And Jay admittedly was pretty sweet. He even gave me permission to take a break and chat online for a brief time, even though my work wasn't done. But when I came back from break and tried to get back on task, I'm not sure what happened; things just seemed to fall apart. I started feeling massively overwhelmed again. And fatigued for no apparent reason. I hate when that happens, by the way! And oh yeah. My bottom was still hurting. Now I know for a lot of you that's a good thing, a warning, keeps you on task right? Um...not me! It's a distraction! It hurts, and it's annoying, and I hate it! Just sayin'. Not to mention, that I really didn't want to be spanked a second time when already sore! Eek!

But as I was saying before, there's a bigger issue here. I'm just tired of being bad ALL the time! Geez! I'm tired of getting in trouble, I'm tired of having all these hopes of things that I'll be able to improve, and then seeing them dashed to the ground, because apparently I'm just too immature to figure out how to behave. I long to show my love with obedience, but how? I'm actually not a brat on purpose. It's just a natural talent, I swear! I don't like spankings, and I definitely don't want them. I don't like this constant battle to stop from doing wrong, not to mention how much I lose that battle! I make light of it at times, but it inside it kills me. It even rocks my self-esteem. Sometimes I do just give up, though. I figure at times that it's easier just to do what I want, then try and end up doing badly anyway. Jay doesn't let me do that. He calls me on it, as he should. But I still struggle. As I'm struggling right now.

I got spanked yesterday night again. It was another hard spanking, too. Jay cuddled me for awhile, and encouraged me. Then, because I told him I needed it, he let me get online, even though it was way after my curfew. Yep, sweet guy! Well that, and...it gave him a chance to watch his shows! Yeah, that stipulation about his anime was one sweet negotiation on my part, I must say.

Anyway, I'm still trying to work through this. There's so many of you out there that I admire, that aren't in trouble every day. Oh to be like you! Seriously! Because as much as I hate spankings, it's not about that. It's not just that I don't want them, but also I don't want to have to need them. I'm tired of feeling like a little girl, not because I'm treated that way, but because I can't seem to act like an adult, no matter what I do.

Anyway, that's what I'm processing through right now. Usually I have to say I am pretty hopeful. But yeah, I guess it's just one of those weeks maybe. Jay has tried to help how he can. He tries to encourage me, says he believes in me, and is very patient, in spite all his present stress. But the problem is that it isn't something he can fix. Because it's inside. All his efforts are sweet, though. But it just makes me think he deserves more than I'm giving him, you know?

In spite of all that, I feel powerless to give it...anyone ever feel like this?

K's sweetie's Survey

What is your screen name?   Kay
 
How long have you been practicing TTWD?  Almost a year

What is your astrological sign?  Gemini

In what part of the country do you live?   Northwest

Do you have children?   a son

Do you have grandchildren?   LOL, my son is only 7 mths!

What is your favorite color?   I love colors in general, different ones for different things, maybe pink overall, but my favorite color definitely changes with my mood, or just because

What is your favorite day of the week?   Depends on what's going on that week, and if I have to work during the weekend or not
  
Morning or Evening?   Night!

Favorite TV Show?   So far, Chuck and Supernatural (Jay and I watch those together, although on Supernatural, I cover my eyes sometimes a lot, LOL), but we'll see what our favorites are come fall

Favorite pro sport?   Football--but only my teams and who's playing the teams I hate, otherwise I couldn't care less

Favorite Ice Cream?    Baskin Robbins Love Potion 31, Mocha Fudge Almond, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, and pretty much anything Ben & Jerry's makes

Person from Blogland you'd like to meet?   Everyone! :-)

Person from Blogland who makes you laugh?   Stormy and Rogue

Person from Blogland you identify with the most?    Stormy, and although she's not technically part of blogland, no doubt Mick's wife, Lynda

First person who welcomed you to blogging?     Stormy

Title of your first blog entry?   And So It Begins...

What are you wearing on your feet right now?   Nothing

What are you listening to right now?   Nothing (It's nice, for once!)

Chocolate or Vanilla?   Depends what it is, usually I say neither, too boring

Coffe or Tea?    Coffee, of course!

Favorite non-alcoholic drink?   Anything carbonated, except for club soda or diet, ack!

Favorite alcoholic drink?  "Foo Foo drinks"--Washington Apples, tropical flavored combos, Pineapple Upside Down Cakes, Moscato...basically, if it's sweet, I'll love it, and also chocolate cake shots! 

Favorite vacation spot?  Doesn't matter, as long as I'm treated like a Princess the entire time

Favorite Holiday?   I'm all about Christmas especially, but I make a big deal out of every major holiday!

Favorite season?   I like them all, just for different reasons, but maybe spring and summer overall because of flowers and sun!

Place you want to visit?   Puerto Rico, New Zealand, Israel, Paris, Asia, Hawaii, Alaska, actually, let's make that anywhere outside the continental USA!
 
If you had to start all over again, would you still choose TTWD?   Yes

Best piece of advice you can pass on about TTWD?  It may not always be easy, but yes, it's absolutely worth it!  Oh, and also: Love above all else and communication make the difference. :)