On Cloud Nine

Admittedly, my last post was pretty despondent. This lifestyle is sometimes hard! Change is hard! What's that verse, Romans 7:19: "The things I want to do, I don't; the things I don't want to do I do..." (NLT). Yeah, that's exactly how I feel, like..a lot! And some weeks are just really bad. Like last week. But then, wouldn't you know it...reprieve! I was called in for work for three days! And, as I've mentioned before, I start to work, and TTWD goes...poof! Far, far away! In fact, it doesn't even seem to exist to my freedom-drunk mind! So yeah, I was on Cloud Nine for like three days. My poor Jay! He didn't get the memo that we had taken a break! Uh...but maybe that should be a different post...Anyways, with work being over, as always happens, real life comes back, and with it, spankings, and watching my attitude, and trying to avoid trouble...all while it chases after me! I'm completely innocent, honest!

Yet aside from dealing with all this, we have been having such a sweet time together, and I've been working hard to make sure we're always VERY busy (took your advice, Rogue, thanks, teehee!).  So this day we were on a long drive to fix a friend's boat and spend some time together, and I again bring up the subject of my frustration. After all, even though we'd touched on it, it wasn't really resolved yet! I didn't think my husband really understood what I was feeling. Not his fault, I just have a tough time putting things like that into words. I wrote my heart. On the other hand, my trying to tell him, impromptu...well, I'm sometimes not good at it. So I wanted him to read my entry. To explain, my husband knows I have a blog, but has never read it. That's not his thing. And just this one time, I wanted him to know how I felt.

"Why can't you just tell me?" Jay asked, slightly exasperated. "I don't necessarily want to listen to something that you're just reading!"

"But that's the thing, Hon," I tried to explain. "I don't always know how to put my feelings into words. I've always been a better writer than a talker. When I write, everything I want to say, but can't, all of a sudden comes flowing out. You want to know what's inside my heart, what I'm struggling with at any given moment, it's in what I write!"

"Okay, then, read it."

"What?" I asked, realizing I was unprepared for him to actually agree so soon.

"Read your blog entry." Jay repeated.

I swallowed hard, trying to think. Suddenly I felt very shy. Jay knows I've written since I was a teen, but he's never read any of my writings, or my blog. Again, not his thing. So all of a sudden thoughts began to swirl through my head. What if he thinks my writing is horrible? And what's more, this is not necessarily the entry I wanted him to read to see what my blog is like! I mean, it is a little serious and whiny... I sighed. This is what I had been asking for, right? So I swallowed my nervousness, and read it to him.

And afterward waited. "Do you have a response?" I finally said.

"Sweetie, I know things are hard, but you can't give up," he said. "You need to believe in yourself and in me. We can persevere through this, but you need to keep pressing on. Remember, I'm beside you in this."

We talked. It was good. We got on the same page. And that night, as we cuddled together after I was spanked (yeah, I got in trouble that night too, a valid reason, but we'll leave that alone), we talked some more. "I want you to know that I do see you are improving," Jay whispered.

"Really? You really see that? Even though I get in trouble so much?"

"Yeah, I absolutely do," he said. "Now when you work and usually for like a week afterward, then it's like you have to readjust to everything. You fight me and everything's a struggle. But then you go back to trying and everything's good again."

"Well, what about this week?" I asked.

"I can see it's a struggle for you, but you're bouncing back quicker than you normally do, and I'm proud of you for that."

Wow! My husband praised my efforts, and I'm hearing it from the one who really does know: things ARE working! Not saying everything's now easy, but all of sudden, the burden has been lifted from my shoulders. He's right. I do need to believe in myself more. I can press on and persevere. And see the good that's happening, not just what still has to happen. Because we are moving forward, even if it's with baby steps. I can rest in that, as much as I can rest in his arms.

Now that's real Cloud Nine. :D