Before And After: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I need to give myself a pep talk right about now. I struggle greatly with showing respect. Which is why, right now, I've had a very sore bottom lately, due to my husband stepping it up. I really don't want another spanking for this! Not to mention, I want to learn this, and I have every confidence I can, if I can just figure out how to change my perspective.

Even though we've been doing DD for a year now, this is still not an easy thing for me, and I suspect way more difficult than it is for some of you. If you follow my blog, you know that Jay and I have a very playful relationship. Pre-DD, though, it went farther than that--farther than what most couples allow. Which is why I'm a little nervous about sharing the specifics of this part of us, because not everyone understands it.

Don't get me wrong, we absolutely love each other with a passion. But there's a thrill in a good sparring match, you know? Well, maybe you don't, but for us, there definitely is! We used to volley insults at each other all day long, in an unspoken competition to see who could best the other. We stayed away from sensitive topics, of course, and unless a line was crossed, which we were very careful not to do, none of it was taken seriously by either of us. But it was a part of our relationship that I absolutely loved! 

When Jay first told me it was not allowed anymore, I fought it tooth and nail. And even though I understand the wisdom of that change in our dynamic, I still find myself fighting it. So I thought I'd go back to looking at the way things used to be, and how they changed, why they changed. Maybe it will help me.

This is a Before and After. A glimpse of two conversations we had, that, as my memory is that way, replay in my head like a movie (wish I had the same ability for remembering tasks, but oh well!). These conversations were from before we started DD, and a few months after. They both meant something to me, the first because of his concern that I wasn't arguing back at first (which I thought was so sweet), and the second...well, I'll let that one speak for itself! But hopefully it will show you why it's been so hard for me, and help me remember why it's so important...

That Was Before...
Jay glanced at me, his mischievous grin giving way to a concerned frown. "Kay, are you feeling all right? Are you sick or something?" He had just said something particularly clever and cutting, and instead of hearing my expected comeback, he'd gotten no answer from me at all.

I turned from staring out the car window. "Honey, I'm fine. I'm just out of it, kind of feeling tired for some reason." I was kind of in a daze from being up so late, and hadn't even been listening, to tell the truth. Normally, I'd never let one of his playful insults go unanswered.

Relieved that I was just tired, he quipped, "Or maybe...you just can't think of anything to say back!"

As usual, I couldn't resist the bait. "Yeah, like that would happen." I said, in my best sarcastic tone, "you're just lucky I'm tired, because if I wasn't, I'd make what you just said look idiotic in comparison."

 Jay shook his head, clucking his tongue condescendingly. "Sweetie, in order to do that, you'd have to have something between your ears besides empty space."

I said nothing for a moment, shaking my head.

Jay was grinning at me triumphantly. "C'mon, you know that was good," he said.

"Okay. Clever," I allowed.  "Gotta hand it to you on that one." I thought for a second. "But really, I think you're just jealous that I have a brain and you don't!"

"Wow, you are tired, if that's the best you can come up with," Jay taunted.

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever!" I said. "In fact, I can probably outdo you after taking twelve NyQuil. Yeah, and just to let you know," I said, thinking fast, "the real reason I didn't say anything was because I wasn't going to dignify such stupidity with an answer."

"Uh huh," he said. "Sure, yeah." His voice was playfully derisive."You're such a dumbass."

"I'm not-oh wait. I see. You're talking about yourself. Yeah, I agree with you." I stuck my tongue out at him, turning to look out the car window again.

"Well, you're a bee-otch!" Jay returned.

"Well, at least I'm not a..." And we were off, playing our familiar game, to see who could come up with the most creative insult, and silence the other.

I know, I know, you're shaking your head. As much as I hate to admit it, I too can see how this kind of attitude toward one another can ever so slightly clash with the DD dynamic...

And This Was After...
"What you just said was very disrespectful," Jay informed me, in a decidedly HOH tone.

Huh? Did I hear right? I stared at him, unbelieving."What? But wait a minute. You know I wasn't serious!"

"Doesn't matter. It's still not the way to talk to your husband."

What the- "But-but-" I sputtered, trying to make sense of this, "I've always talked to you that way!"I searched his face for signs of teasing.

Nope. His features might have been made of stone. "Not anymore."

Geez...okay, Mr. Meanie HOH, you wanna play it that way...fine! I thought for a second, then searched for a way to get him out of his serious kick."So, what, I'm not allowed to flip you off?"

"No!!"

"Well what if I'm stretching, I just kinda--"

"Still no!"

Hmmmmm..."Okay, truce," I said. "Peace!" I did the two finger signal, tilted it a little, than flipped my hand around.

Jay shook his head. "Really?" he said.

"I'm just saying peace to the people outside my window!" I said. "Love not war, yeah!"

"Gee, I wonder where you learned that," he said. "You don't think I'm familiar with what you're doing, when I'm the one that taught it to you?"

Ha! Leverage! Yup. He used to do that kind of thing in photographs and stuff, sometimes in front of my conservative family, just to be a brat. "Well, see, that's my point! YOU taught it to me! I was as innocent as a newborn lamb, and YOU corrupted me!" So take that!

"So, by the logic you like to use, since, according to you, I caused the problem, it's my job to fix it, right? Set everything the way it's supposed to be? Because, just to let you know, I have no problem doing that!"

Well that shut me up! I couldn't even think of a response. But it's hard to leave something he says completely unanswered. It eats at me to not give some kind of response, for my own satisfaction, even if he can't see it. So I tipped my sunglasses down, and rolled my eyes.

"Uh...Sweetie? You do realize I can see through your sunglasses, right? And you know that's not allowed anymore."

Grrrrrrrr! I crossed my arms, and turned away, anger welling up within me. I fumed, and felt angry tears sting my eyes."It's not fair," I muttered.

"What was that?"

"I said," I slowly enunciated, turning back, "It's not fair! You can't take sparring out of our relationship! I love that about us! And I'm not going to let you!"

"That's not your decision."

I do NOT like being told that! "Well, I'm still not going to let you," I pouted. "I didn't sign up for this."

"No, you wanted me to help you with some areas you acknowledge you need to change, right?"

"Yeah!" I shot back. "Not this!"

"Okay Kay, but we need this."

You powertrippy..."No we don't!" I shouted.

"Tone," Jay gently reminded. I scowled darkly. "First of all, there's the issue of our child, and the example we set for him.You really want him thinking that's okay to do? Names and insults?"

Dang it! Good point! "We can be careful!"

"Can we? I don't know that we can! But aside from that, Sweetie, how do you propose that you'll be able to listen and obey me, if you don't respect me?"

"What?! I DO respect you!"

Jay turned to me with that are-you-kidding-me look that he likes to do. "Really."

"Really! Honey, I do respect you! I wouldn't be able to do this lifestyle if I didn't! I just don't want to lose that about us!"

"And we won't. I'm just saying we need to dial it down. You don't listen to me, and you don't obey me, because you always think of it as a competition. And it's not! It's not a sparring match, Kay! We're either playing a game, or we're actually doing something here. Which is it? Are you serious?"

"Yes!" I insisted.

"Then you need to change your whole attitude of how you think about things, if this is going to work. I know you don't like it. And we can see about adding it back in to a point, later, when we learn the balance, but right now, this is something you need to do for me, okay?"

"Okay."

We drove in silence for a few minutes, me wrapped in my own thoughts. That look in his eyes, when he said I didn't respect him, that I glimpsed just for a moment, left me unsettled. I know respect is so important to a guy. He said he doesn't get that from me. Does he really feel that way? And that vulnerability that I fleetingly saw, have I been hurting him because he hasn't felt that from me?

"Jay," I falteringly broke the silence.

"Yeah, Sweetie," he answered.

"Um...when you said that, I don't respect you...well, I know that respect is so important to a guy, that you guys need it.." I continued, in my normal beat-around-the-bush, sort-out-my-thoughts-as-I-go kind of way.

"What, Kay?" Jay prodded impatiently.

"Well...do you really feel that way?"

Jay turned to me, and his face was very serious. "Yeah, I really do," he said.

"Does it hurt you?"

"I don't like it," he answered.

"Do you get resentful?"

"Well, yeah, sometimes...sometimes a lot " he confided. "You have the degree, you know how guys are. What do you expect? Even since we started this, you just fight me and fight me, and fight me, and, you have no idea how frustrating it is to be in this position, sometimes I just don't want to do it anymore."

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. I never want him to feel that way! "I'm so sorry," I said sincerely. "I love you so much, and I know that you need to feel that from me, just like I need to feel cherished. I do respect you, I do. But...I just need to learn how to show it. Do you believe me that do want to?"

Jay looked in my eyes. "Yeah, I do," he said. "I know you love me, and I know you've grown in the short time since we've started this. But now it's time for a new level. I had to learn some things, now it's your turn. Kay, I need you to start listening to me, to stop seeing me playfully as a rival, and take what I say seriously. You can't get in the mindset to do that if you're dismissing everything I say and calling me a dumbass. Don't you get that?" 

I sighed. "Yeah, Hon. I see what you mean. I'll really try hard. I'm sorry I've fought you so much, I'll stop. I want you to feel respected. And if this is the way you want me to, then I will try my hardest." I swallowed. "Please don't give up on me!"

"Sweetie, I have to work on it, too. It's not just you. But we need to do this."

"Yeah."

"You know I don't like being serious all the time either," my husband said. "But it's about learning the balance. So you stop fighting me every second of the day, okay?  We can still tease each other and have fun. But there has to be a line, and that's a line you're not allowed to cross. You still need to show me, respect, okay?"

"Okay, I will." And I meant it.

*       *       *

It's been almost a year later since that conversation. A year of reworking my attitude, learning to curb my normal responses to things. It hasn't been easy, and as my present circumstance proves, I don't always succeed! I forget easily why I need to be trying so hard at this. So I'm reminding myself, in hopes that I'll remember.

So my husband can feel the respect that I want him to know I have for him. And so hopefully I learn these lessons a little quicker. :)