A Year Ago

A year ago, today, I was starting my first day of a temporary contract, a contract based on DD, intended to help me get ready for my becoming a mother.

A few weeks before that, I remember Jay was so frustrated from me keeping him up late and that the house was an absolute disaster, that he took my laptop and unhooked the TV before he left for work. I was livid. So I rehooked up the wires to the TV (did he think I was that much an idiot?), and just to be a brat, made sure I was watching it when he returned. A week after was when he had his dream that I briefly talked about in my post: The Journey Thus Far. A few days after that, I was finding out about DD, and made the decision, for the good of my child and also, my marriage, that it wouldn't hurt (um...much) to submit for a period of forty days, extendable by a few weeks if I needed it. It only takes 28 days to make a habit, right? It was a decision born of desperation and frustration, a last attempt to conquer this part of me that messed with my self esteem for so long, and threatened to destroy our family.

In order to make the coming necessary evil I would have to endure seem more bearable, I tried to think of it like a Boot Camp, forty days of Basic Training, that, while it would be undoubtedly be hell, would give me the help I needed when we returned to...real life. Not knowing, of course, that I was changing our lives forever...The contract I wrote my husband for those forty days is below:

Boot Camp In Preparation For Baby J

Because I have a lot more to give up than you, I need the comfort that this will only last until September 25, and then we can talk about whether it worked and mutually decide what to do from there. We also need to discuss on a weekly basis how it’s going.

I’m doing this because:

• I need to learn how to do this stuff in preparation for the baby, and the only way I can be in the mindset to be motivated to develop the necessary habits, requires complete submission in every area, not just this one.
• To open my eyes to what you most desire in a wife, so that afterward we can find the happy medium that serves both our needs, not just mine.
• To prove to myself that I can do this stuff, which so often I end up thinking impossible
• To prove to you that I’m not going to quit, and I care enough to change, even though it’s a scary and painful process.
• To build trust between us, and lessen our frustration.

You have full authority. It’s your house, I completely submit to you, for the length of this agreement. I have no say in how this household runs, unless you, in your leadership, give me say. This is a completely private agreement, not to be discussed with anyone. The only restriction is nothing abusive/cruel/unusual, which I know you’d not do anyway.

Your Part:

Understand this isn’t easy for me. It’s completely jumping off a cliff as far as trust goes, and trusting you to catch me – I need constant reassurance and praise, even more than the other.

Understand you hold my entire well-being in your hand. I’m trusting you with complete authority, so please consider my well-being first at all times.

Consistency. Hate to admit this, but otherwise this won’t work, as I’d always subconsciously be testing boundaries. Not that mercy in how much intensity can’t happen, though.

Recognize when I’m being a brat that something’s wrong, and talk to me and offer to pray with me. And if it’s bad, at your discretion, and nothing else works, maybe give something way less severe just to help my attitude so I don’t end up making it worse and have to pay for it later.

Warn me if I think we’re playing and I cross a line. Like, “Kay, not right now. Anything more is disrespect.” Then if I continue, I know what to expect. Getting punished when I don’t know the line is not conducive.

My Part:

I will obey whatever you say to do, including coming when called, without hesitation, and without having to be told twice.

I won’t question anything you say to do, unless I have asked and been given permission to question.

I will be completely transparent and honest, I will hold nothing back, no matter the cost.

I will eat healthily everyday and be accountable for it.

I will always get ready for the day, unless I’m super-ill, and the bed will be made without fail (and the window open when you get home).

I will be in bed at precisely 10 on weekdays unless you okay otherwise.

I will do everything assigned for that day to the best of my ability, not cutting corners (even if you’d never find out).

I will keep a positive attitude and not say anything negative about myself (unless you are trying to find out what’s wrong and give me permission to speak freely).

I will never scream at you or lose my temper, call you names out of anger, or do anything that you feel disrespectful at that moment (and I’ll stop sparring the second you warn me).

Every part of this agreement will be in effect until September 25, whether I regret it or not, and in no way can I terminate/change it early without your consent, except for medical or extreme just cause. Such efforts are cause for consequence.

Either for breaking any of these rules, or anything else you deem fit, that I will accept whatever consequence you give me without trying to weasel or bargain my way out of it, whether I agree with it or not. I won’t protest, unless given permission to speak my mind. I will submit during it, trusting that you will make sure I stay safe, even if I don’t feel that way. And afterward, I will not sulk or have a bad attitude, or hold it against you in any way.

***

So there you have it. Our first contract. A year ago today, I got my first spanking under the new rules. And opened up a door that would lead to a new life. I thought I would suffer through it, and hopefully come out of it a better person. Instead, I saw everything transformed, and realized I'd been wrong about everything.

I saw my husband change before my eyes. He stepped up as the leader of our home, and the way he began to show me he cherished me, was something I had never seen before. Resentment was gone. Cold wars were gone. And I discovered submission was not worst of all evils, like I had thought.

September 25th came, we talked, and Jay asked me to be willing to extend our contract to November 1st. I agreed to do so, and long before November 1st, both of realized this was no longer a temporary thing. And as soon as the trial period had ended, we made it official: this was our new reality.

The contract has changed; rules were amended, our reasons for doing this have changed, I DO have a say (just not the final say), and compromises were reached. Over this past year, there have been times when we've thought of shelving DD completely in frustration (and taken brief hiatuses), we've fought about consistency, we've tested out our old way of handling problems, and we've worked through lots and lots issues. We struggled with knowing where the line was: him both thinking I'd be resentful, if he corrected me and learning what was too far; me wanting to push and push and push (where is the boundary?). Both of us testing each other's resolve. But we have grown, we're finding our rhythm for the most part, and now DD is just a part of our life, This Thing We Do.

Jay discovered that he can be comfortable in his role of HOH, and also...that he's a spanko. He discovered how to think about my needs first, how to talk through problems, and how to encourage me. Between you and me, he wasn't very good at knowing how to do any of those things before we started this lifestyle. And, he's even way better at it, now, than he was a month ago.

I discovered that I can submit (I think), and, just in case I doubted it, that I'm a spank-ohhellno (thanks, Stormy, for the term!). I discovered how to be completely vulnerable and honest, how to be okay with him leading me, how to tell him what I need and trust that he has my best in mind. How to trust him, even when he has a paddle in his hand. I've learned that it's a struggle to learn how to be an HOH, just as it is a struggle to learn to be submissive--that we're in this together.

So for those of you who have just started this journey, and are frustrated at all the things that haven't happened yet, know that it's a process. It might just take some time. Even though it took a year to get where we are, it took over eight months to even begin to understand our roles, and begin to be comfortable with them. I remember the frustration, the mistakes, the growing pains we both had this first year, especially for the first eight months! So be patient, and realize you're in this together!

And we're still newbies, too. We're not the perfect example of how DD should be done. We're still very much finding ourselves. I haven't become a absolute angel (stop your snickering, people!). Yes, it's true, I get in trouble almost every day. Not big trouble...but, usually for something. In my defense, our contract didn't get more serious until the last few months, and there's a lot I'm still having to get used to. But aside from changes, admittedly, there's a lot that I still need to work on! I still hate the word "no" and "now". I still REALLY struggle with defiance and attitude and instantly obeying, not to mention time management. My husband, too, has areas he needs to grow in, as well. But we're helping each other. And positive things are happening.

So that's a summary of what has happened since our journey began! It makes me wonder what I'll be able to say next year? :)