My HOH's Pain in the Butt, and My Asinine Mistake

So I know all of you are waiting for the post from last weekend, and I promise it's coming; it involves some coordination, and getting some pics together, so I can't post it yet. But in the meantime, I'll tell you about something that happened this week, and let me say I'm SO thankful for the anonymity that the internet affords! Because I am sorry to say I reached a new level for asinine decisions...

Backing up though. Just in case you're jumping to conclusions, Jay's major pain in the butt is not me, although he'd probably playfully beg to differ, knowing him. But that's for another post. So what is this about? Well, a couple days ago, my hubby came home with a sore backside. The poor guy went fishing, and got a little bruised and sore. I know, such a tragedy. It tears me up every time I hear him complain how it hurts to sit down. Really it does. Okay trying to keep a straight, sympathetic face and not burst into uproarious laughter...trying, trying...dang it, it's just too hard!

Because in reality, it's quite difficult to keep a wide grin of glee off my face at the prospect of my dear HOH getting a taste of his own medicine. I'm trying hard though. Trying not to use the terms, "sweet revenge" and "poetic justice." I have used "the smallest violin" bit he always teases me with when he wants to illustrate his extreme lack of sympathy to my bottom being sore. I got "the look" for that. But c'mon, it's not my fault he can dish it out but can't take it! Geez... Okay, I'll stop the snickering...got control again...yeah. So horrible for him. 

As crushed as I am about this present situation, SIGH, I was hopeful I could find a silver lining. I thought for sure, since he could identify with my pain, maybe he'd be more merciful. Boy was I wrong on that one! If anything, it seems like he's been more eager to spank! I've been a good wife, though. I've bent over backwards to help him out. (just so you know, bending over backwards results in a lot less pain then having to bend over frontwards). And I took on a nurturing role to help him.

So, um...before I tell you about this next part, can I digress for a moment and say how much I HATE having ADHD? Particularly the impulsive thing. Like when I act or blurt out something before I think about the consequences? Yeah, it's not good. Particularly when it happens as a result of being overly tired and, I confess, heady with power. You know, the power that comes from seeing him in the same situation as me; the power that accompanies a sing-song, "ha ha ha ha ha!" Yup. The kind of power that can get very dangerous.

Getting back to what happened. Well, being the good wife that I am, I offered a few suggestions. I could soothe his achy muscles with some Ben Gay or even better, we could pick up some capsaicin cream, which is for arthritis, and would probably really help, I told him. Now if you're not gasping and don't get what I was doing, just know that capsaicin cream can be used to give the same effect as a spanking, complete with sting. It's my worst nightmare, something Jay was never supposed to know about, but in the heat of the moment...well, I claim temporary insanity. And just so you know, so you don't think I'm completely a horrible person, I was only going to use the teensiest bit, like way less than a drop, and if it was capsaicin cream, not even where it was irritated. I don't have a death wish! But cmon, what a perfect opportunity, right? And it's not like I don't have plenty to get him back for! If you don't believe me, read my recent posts...

Anyway, Jay and I play pranks on each other a lot, and unfortunately Jay has developed a kind of "prank radar" that gets in the way sometimes of my evil plans. Only sometimes, for the record. But, unfortunately, this was one of those times. I wasn't being careful enough, and he sensed I was being a little too sweet. So he refused my kind offer, then played the "honesty" card, asking about my intentions.

Now this is when it's hard being in a DD marriage! Because I vowed from the very beginning I would never lie to him. And I don't break that rule, no matter what the consequences. Which meant I had to be truthful. Grrr! I tried to play it off, answering as nonchalantly as I could. Hoping he'd let it go. Umm...yeah. That was going to happen! In what played out, scarier than any horror movie, he asked a few questions to clarify some things that I had been keeping vague. I grudgingly answered, kicking myself for not considering this dreadful outcome.

Jay wore a little smile as he reached to turn off the light, then cuddled me close for sleep. "That may be a good idea for trips-it could make things a lot easier," he whispered in my ear, his voice sickeningly sweet.
Crap, crap, and dang it! Grrrrrrrr! I considered flipping him off, wondering if the room was dark enough to get away with it. My husband doesn't usually latch onto ideas. So why did he have to like this one? Arghhh!

I went to sleep hoping he'd forget. He didn't mention it for a few days, so I thought I was in the clear. And then came yesterday night. I got in trouble for not completing a task, and not obeying immediately some things that he'd asked me to do throughout the day. As he snuggled me close afterward, after affirming me of his love, encouraging me to do better, he wished me a good night. I closed my eyes to sleep, enjoying his presence. And then I heard unwelcome words break the silence, HOHy-toned words. "Make sure you go ahead and get some of that capsaicin cream as soon as possible. I'd like to try it out."

CRAP! I know, I know, I dropped the ball on this one, BIG TIME. I'm really intelligent, I promise! But wow, this was a massively dumb thing to let happen. Ugh! So now I'm weighing my options. Maybe I can find a convincing article about the dangers of capsaicin! (Coming up short after looking--can someone write something, please?). Maybe taking the tube and diluting it somehow? Or just..uh...running to another country until hopefully he forgets? If it would work, I might entertain the thought...grrrrrrrr!

I guess the only thing I can do is be on my best behavior as I ponder why is he getting that good at this? And WHY do I keep helping him! Ugh!