Bedtime Story

"Turn the main light out, close the door, and hurry up, get into bed," Jay directed, switching on the sidelight. "We've got things to discuss, as you know."

Well there was my answer. He didn't forget. Drat! So much for cuddling up and going to sleep right now, all snugly and painfree! I did as I was told, swallowing hard, knowing I was most likely in trouble. I joined my husband, then made myself as comfortable as I could for whatever lay ahead.

"Okay, let's see my list," Jay began, all authority.

Shrinking away from his HOH-iness, I practically threw the notebook at him containing my day's faults, and turned away.

"Nope," he announced, in that same tone. "YOU read them out loud."

I stared at him, all of a sudden aware that I was seeing a new tactic in action. And not one I particularly liked! I took a deep breath, and rattled off both entries in a barely audible mumble, and as fast as I possibly could.

"Slow down and read clearly, Kay. I want to hear you."

I sighed, then resigned myself to this humbling moment. "I didn't eat dinner by the 6:30 deadline, and also-"

"No let's just focus on the first one. Why didn't you eat on time?"

I shrugged sadly. "I don't know, I set my alarm, and then I was busy paying bills and stuff, and I heard the alarm, but I thought I'd finish first, 'cause I had time. But...then, well, I totally forgot. The next moment I knew I looked down, and it was 6:31. I really wanted to do well, I just totally messed up," I finished lamely.

"Mmmmhmmm," Jay said, in that musing way of his. He thought this over for a minute, while I waited. Then, "So do you know why it's so important that you eat by the deadline?"

"You're trying to get me into the habit," I sighed. "Because otherwise I forget to eat completely, and then I get so messed up it's hard to make something to eat."

"Yes," he affirmed. "It's so you can have energy throughout the day and stay healthy. I need you to, and your son does too. You agree?"

"Yes."

So...how can we avoid you ending up here again?" I stared at him, trying to answer his questions, to the best of my ability, but also just digest this whole conversation. Had he been tuning into the HOH telepathic network? (Yes, I'm a huge believer in its existence! How else do you explain those changes in how he does things, when he does no research whatsoever?).

You have to understand, for the past few years that I've been disciplined, I've been barely able to get him to tell me what I did wrong before he spanks me. He doesn't really lecture a lot (yes I know some of you think I'm lucky!). Well, that is, during discipline, anyway (during other times he has no problem lecturing at all, grrr!). I've discovered though that I actually need him to hear him say something, because otherwise my focus is in completely the wrong place, and about just trying to get through the pain. Not only that, but because of my ill-advised coping mechanism to just block soon-to-be consequences out of my head until they're actually happening, there are actually times I've forgotten why I'm even in trouble. Not conducive to avoiding ending up in the same situation again, huh? So he knows that and has been doing it. But this, this is new. He actually wants to discuss everything?

I tried to focus on his question. "I can set my alarm maybe earlier?"

"That's a good idea, Kay. And in addition, when the alarm goes off, you need to make sure you don't ignore it," he observed, pointedly.

"Yeah, I know," I admitted. "I'm sorry, I'll do better"

"I have every confidence that you will, Sweetie," my husband told me in a very sweet but oh so definite tone that let me know he would make sure of it.

I swallowed. Can you say eeeeeeek?!

"Now go ahead and read the next one," Jay directed.

"You already know," I shrugged. "I didn't finish the laundry."

"And why didn't you finish the laundry?"

"I don't know, I just didn't!" When his eyes bored into me, I dropped my head. "Well, I was doing well throughout the day, but when I already failed at dinner, I just...stopped trying as hard," I admitted quietly.

"So you just gave up."

"No, that I didn't do. I still worked on it at least. I just--well, I got discouraged that I'd already failed, my concentration went out the window, and I just wasn't as gung-ho about getting stuff done. I started out the morning anxious, but I was doing well, and I was so hopeful, then this happened, and well--" I buried my head in my hands, trying to hold back tears. "I'm so tired of messing up!"

"Kay, look at me." He waited til I obeyed, then said, "This is not about failure. You didn't fail. The reason why it's affecting you like this is because you have the totally wrong perspective. Look at all the things you did right. You got up when you were asked, you didn't touch your phone although I know you wanted to..."

I had to smile. Well that was true! An app I have popped up with a notification of some news that I really cared about and I was dying to find out the details! Not to mention, to text a friend back! But I didn't pick my phone up, and believe me, I was super tempted to, even to the point of reaching for it, then pulling back.

"What else did you do right today?"

"I ate breakfast on time."

"Yes you did, good job," Jay encouraged.

I continued to name off a couple other rules I did right. I was starting to feel better.

Then suddenly my stomach dropped. Yes I'd remembered to take my antibiotics that morning. But I'd forgotten the dose I was supposed to take later that night. Last time I'd forgotten a dose had been during the time that I'd been sick. And he had made an exception to deliver a painful lasting impression. But not lasting enough? Really? I'd forgotten again? How could I be such an idiot! UGH!

And now I had a dilemma. I knew I was supposed to tell him, that's our agreement. But it was the last thing I wanted to do! Finally I burst into tears. "Kay, what's going on? What's wrong?" my concerned husband asked.

"Nothing. Except guess what? I remembered another way I failed today!" My voice was full of anguished irony.

"Go ahead." Jay prodded.

"I just shook my head, crying harder.

He nodded knowingly. "Your medication."

"Yes, but only the night. I took everything else earlier. I was supposed to take the antibiotic after because I had to wait a few hours after eating dairy, but I forgot!"

He thought for a moment. "Well, it hasn't been that long. Go ahead, go take it, hurry up."

Now I was crying for a different reason. "Thank you, thank you!" I cried, kissing him, so happy I'd gathered the courage to tell him the truth.

I returned a few minutes later, and we continued.

"So, getting back to business, for both not eating on time and not getting done the laundry, do you think you deserve a spanking?"

I closed my eyes, conflicted. That's a difficult question to answer! And I wanted to say that maybe in this case a warning, but, I knew better.

Finally Jay broke my tongue-tied silence. "Kay? According to the terms of our contract, do you deserve it?"

Ugh, hate this honesty stuff! "Okay, it's true that I didn't eat on time, so yeah for that I do."

"And for not finishing the laundry?"

"Well I didn't give up though! But...yeah, it's true, I could have done better," I sighed. "I didn't feel like trying all that much. So," I paused, struggling to say it.

My husband had been patiently waiting while I processed, but now he once more gently prodded. "So?"

"So yes, I um" I tried again.

"Go ahead."

I shut my eyes again. "Yes I deserve to be spanked for both things." I finally choked out. Talk about humbling!

Jay was silent for a moment, obviously thinking. Then he finally spoke. "Well, since you owned up to everything, and cooperated, I'm halfing the number of your discipline."

I breathed a quick sigh of relief, then braced myself to hear the words I knew were coming next.

Okay," Jay continued, resolutely, go ahead and roll over, let's get this over with."

***

The next night....

"Let's see your list, Kay."

"Don't have one," I answered smiling. "I have no broken rules to report for today."