Waiting...For the Punishment of My Life

My thoughts are completely disjointed right now. Sorry about that. The gist is, though, I screwed up. Very, very badly. And because of that, I'm waiting for a very serious punishment. It's not something Jay wants to do. But this is something he can't let go. I was warned that if I did not do this certain thing, the consequence would be severe. He thought I understood, and would take this seriously. I thought the same. But then last night happened.

The ironic thing is that my husband was planning to do a pretty serious punishment anyway for something I consider pretty trivial, but he considers important. He thought I needed a serious reminder to help me not do it every second of the day. To get through my apparently thick head that this action = bad. I was nervous about it. Yeah, I thought that would be tough. Ironic, huh? Apparently as he says things can always get worse! Ugh!

I got a serious lecture last night. One that left me in tears. The rules Jay makes are not arbitrary, especially this one. It's necessary for the well-being and safety of our family. For our young son that depends on us for everything. I put his well-being in jeopardy last night because I failed to take care of something I should have. I got distracted, and I was thinking of other things. It didn't seem that big of deal. Until I saw what happened. And saw just how big of a deal it really was. And so, yeah, I earned what I'm getting. Sigh.

All of this was supposed to be resolved last night. Knowing the effect on me, Jay would never have voluntarily made me wait for a punishment of this magnitude. But his back was hurting him so badly, he could barely move. So circumstances being what they were, he apologized sincerely that I was going to have to wait, assured me of his love, and held me tight, as I cried myself to sleep. A conglomeration of absolute shame over what I let happen, and anxiety over taking this punishment. Jay told me not to beat myself up over this. That it was a mistake, and just as long as it never happens again, everything's okay. I'm trying to hold on to that. Trying.

My son is okay. The worst of what could have happened didn't. But yeah, he's right: this ABSOLUTELY CANNOT happen again. Jay is going to make sure of it, and because of the gravity of the situation, I fully agree with the sentence I've received. I agree with it, but that doesn't mean I'm not really truly nervous.

It's official: this is going to be one for the books, folks. Jay made that very clear. And regardless of my knowing the need for it, this is when DD is the hardest. Going through a situation like this. I'm trying to give myself the pep talk right now, the massive benefits of this lifestyle, that I wouldn't trade for anything. But it's not fully working. I'm not scared for my safety or anything. Jay would never do anything to compromise that, and I trust him completely. But that doesn't mean this won't really, really, really hurt! And it should, I know. But I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through it, no matter how much I agree.

I could tell last night this won't be easy for Jay either. He may be a spanko, but this is not a situation an HOH ever wants to deal with. He loves me with all his heart. Still, though, this lifestyle we live...it's not a game. He has to enforce this. Has to. That's his job, and it's not an enviable one. I know that. With my head, anyway. Knowing that doesn't seem to make things much easier though. I know he'll be there for me through it, and afterward, he'll hold me and make my world right again. He also promised a real warmup, which is something he never does. He said he doesn't think I'd be able to handle what I need to take without one. Yup, it was a comfort til he said that. Shudder.

So anyway, that's where I'm at now. Waiting. Trying not to tear my hair out. Holding on to the fact that I will get through this, we will get through this together, and everything will be all right in the end...