The Joy of Daily Maintenance

"What's with the attitude, Kay?"

I just stared at him, admittedly using the same look he'll so often give me. You know, the one when they want to highlight the astounding ridiculousness of whatever question was just asked of them. Okay, usually it's about me trying to get out of something when I shouldn't be. But yeah, that look.

Jay took in my look and my silence, then began shaking his head slowly, amusedly. "I swear. You beg me for this, and this is what I get."

"I did NOT beg you for it!" I protested hotly. "I was just fine with it being next to never. But it was starting to affect our relationship, and I was trying to be mature, do the right thing...ugh, stop it, you're confusing me!"

Jay laughed, as he often does when I get flustered, then he pulled me close, kissing the top of my head.

I began to relax more. "What I suggested was temporary. YOU were the one that decided to make it permanent. And I reserve the right to not like it," I muttered finally.

"Okay, well, we can go back to the old way. No maintenance." he suggested amicably. "I'll just go back to counting up every individual thing," Oh that evil grin. 

I'm pretty sure my eyes got wide. "On second thought, no. Um, we can just keep it this way, let's not fix what's not broken...."



Maintenance. I have a strong love hate relationship with that word, and with how it fits in our lives. Usually I'm in blessed denial okay with it, weird as that may sound. I'm able to live in my "hakuna matata" la la land accept it by reminding myself of the positives. Right before though, that becomes more difficult. And of course, often right after, when I've been known to pout a time or two (or two hundred). He allows pouting to a point, by the way, as long as I don't cross any lines. Generally he knows that it takes me a few minutes to process strong emotions, and then we can talk about things honestly. Or in some situations, I'll dissolve into tears, and he encourages me to vent. It's all very confusing, which is why I'm not sure this post will make a ton of sense. But this is a big part of my life right now, so this subject is kind of overdue to talk about.


Before I go any further, let me just add the disclaimer that I believe maintenance is generally an advanced DD subject, and for many couples, doesn't even have to be on the table ever. Many couples do choose to do it on an as needed basis, or weekly or something, although I don't know of many couples that aren't more under the D/s umbrella that do daily maintenance. As with most things, though, it's whatever is right for that particular relationship. And I'll admit, under protest...(almost) daily maintenance...um...is...ack, choke, gag...right for us.


I can totally understand the concept of being spanked when one didn't do anything wrong leaving some people cold. I'm going to try to explore both sides, because, well, I need the pep talk at present, to be honest. I admit I don't completely understand it or why it works, so I'm hoping this post comes out as better than the mumbo jumbo it just seems to be in my head.


First, am I being sarcastic with that "Joy of Maintenance" title thing? Yup. In reality, it bites. It's painful, and it's annoying. It's humbling to have to get into position on my own, and know, unless he tells me not tonight, how it's going to end. A nightly conversation would be much more pleasant. But nope, Jay insists it doesn't work without this part of it too. That I spiral out of control and we need to prevent that. That this is what works best. Can I just say, I don't like that this is what works! I don't want it to work! How can we make it not work? And why does he have to prove right all the freakin' time? It's annoying that this is the best way. I hate pain! (Insert "long dramatic sigh" here).



BUT.



There are benefits I admit. And there is a reason it has a place in our lives. There's a reason it makes things better.  


In the beginning, I know I would have been adamantly against it. It would have been too discouraging. But he basically started when he noticed there was a hard time for me transitionally to when I would work and stop working. It served as a reset to get my head back to where it was supposed to be. And it worked, way more than I wanted it to.  So we used it during those times. Then during the time that I was pregnant Jay started talking about it as a future daily thing. He felt that after the long time away from any kind of physical discipline, it would be a way to "assist" us for awhile.


I was against it and actually dreaded it. It felt unfair. He asked me to trust him, though, and I agreed to do so. But that didn't mean I was excited about the thought. Though I gave consent, I was distrustful as to its purpose. It felt like revenge almost for him having to put up with me for so long without being able to do DD. And it seemed so pointless. What's the motivation for staying out of trouble then? Why should I care if I'm going to be spanked anyway? And how was I supposed to take a spanking on a daily basis when I hadn't gotten spanked in so long? I couldn't even handle ANY pain anymore!


It turned out I didn't have to worry much about that though, because after an extremely brief period of him trying to do it and me fighting him, he faltered in that idea, phew.  And then...things began to spiral between us. At the same time, I personally had spiraled downward as far as being able to handle things, my emotions, everything. I knew I needed help. So after praying about it and summoning all the courage within me, I swallowed my pride, and apologized for fighting him. I admitted that maybe he had been right after all about what would help us, and I agreed to truly submit on a heart level to daily maintenance.


To be fair I don't think I would have had the courage to at the time if I would have known we would still be doing it this long after.


But when I think about it honestly, it fit in a way I never could have predicted.


Number one, I'm was in trouble pretty much every day before we started this, when Jay was being consistent. After my daughter was born, things got so much harder, and I got overwhelmed a lot easier. Maintenance took off the pressure of feeling like I failed every day. Now he addresses the same things, but I don't know, it just seems to have a different tone. Plus because every individual thing isn't addressed, it works out to way less. Phew, important point.


Then there's what it does for him. It's his time to get things out. So there's nothing that doesn't get talked about. He doesn't feel as much pressure as the "bad guy" and consistency is much easier to keep up. It's not if he'll address stuff or not, it's what he decides he'll specifically talk about during and after. (not as easy to get out of things, dang!). Being able to keep up consistency makes him feel ten feet tall as an HOH. So it's absolutely horrible for me better for him, and better for our relationship. Yay?


One thing important to say is that, regardless of all this, nothing is ever set in stone with us, and that hasn't changed, even though maintenance makes it seem much more like it. Maybe it's because we've been doing this for awhile and DD fades into being daily life, but it just kind of still is how things are, and it fits us. If Jay feels he needs to take a day off, no problem, I'll find the strength to sacrifice, ha! There are times that he emotionally needs that. Or physically he needs a break, poor man. Then too, he won't do maintenance when he determines that I emotionally can't handle it that night. And of course there are times we step back because of outside circumstances. Those exceptions are nice, but skipping a day doesn't derail him like skipping a punishment used to. I can pretty much expect the next night to be back to business as usual, oh joy. Unless it's Saturday. Definitely yay for Saturdays, my new favorite day of the week!


Speaking of, there are a few unwritten guidelines that he follows, that make me able to handle it better. Having Saturday off is one. It's something I felt I needed, so I don't get overwhelmed. In addition, unless I'm uncooperative, or we've entered punishment territory, he's careful at keeping it pretty light. Not that it doesn't hurt, it definitely does, but barely for a few minutes after, if that (shhh, don't tell him!). He doesn't spank me to tears, I know some do that, but that doesn't fit us. I think for us it's meant more as a reminder, like a rubber band snap to help with a bad habit. He uses only as much that he feels is absolutely necessary and no more. All of this means so much to me. He's so careful to not give me more than I can handle, both physically or emotionally. I see it always; it's why I am able to trust his lead.

Okay so about those previous questions I used to have, like doesn't it just make the whole thing pointless? It seems like it would, but honestly no. Since it's not if I get spanked but how much, believe me, that can be some powerful motivation! I don't want to add to what's already going to be happening! Plus he trusts me to do my best, and I really do try. Of course, if it's massively apparent that I'm messing up, it becomes more than maintenance. Like if he can tell I didn't try at all that day, and there's no extenuating circumstance why. In addition, if I forget to make the bed, roll my eyes, not drink a smoothie during the weekday (a rule he started because I was always getting sick), or of course say something far beyond the lines of respect, I'm extra crispy toast.


 But there's a bigger answer of why it helps us. It goes back to why we chose to do DD in the first place, which is different than a lot of couples. The end-all goal is to help me function like I'm supposed to and to help our relationship function like it's supposed to, not for me to merely stay out of trouble. I joke to make things less serious, but it's not a game. I do this dynamic because I personally need help, and I acknowledge that. It helps me, and how much it helps makes it worth it. It's worth any sacrifice to get there, even committing to this on a daily basis. Especially since rather than being a deterrent like with a punishment, maintenance strangely acts more like a jumpstart for my brain. It seems to reset my emotions too. I'm not sure why that happens and it's annoying that it does, but yeah. Pent up frustrations from the day come out that I didn't even know how to process. My thoughts that were previously all over the place come sharply into focus. I hate it, but it's true.


Okay, there's my processing. I still really wish there was a better way. The same for DD involving pain at all! But for right now, I guess, it's where things need to be. There's tons of positives that I can't ignore. All of it making it worth it. There's nights it's still hard to keep that positive attitude though.

But at least now I have a pep talk to read when I need it. 

And yay for Saturdays. :D