Here's the Deal...

If you didn't see last post, I neglected to do something super important, that I've been warned about was the most serious offense if I didn't do it, and was told that the agreed upon consequence would be happening. It was going to be very severe, not brutal of course, but worse than I've ever gotten before. And yes, he made that extremely clear, BEFORE it happened. Just apparently it didn't get through all the way. Sheesh.

Anyway, that day, he took my hand, and gently led me to the bedroom. Instead of what I expected, he laid down on the bed, and had me lay down beside him. And then proceeded to tell me he had been thinking a lot, and if I was in agreement to the terms, then he would not be spanking me. But he warned me that the terms were pretty steep, and in no way was I getting off scott-free.

I was elated, relieved, shocked...well I thought I was shocked. Until I heard the terms of the deal. That was the real shocker for me, especially how detailed and serious all of it was. A week of no tolerance for anything, no matter how small. A week where my submission would be required in every area, like it never has been before. Nothing freaky deaky or humiliating, but definitely...new. And definitely well thought out rules of what would be required of me. Like, where did he get this stuff from? Especially since he doesn't read online at all? If he can come up with something like this, what really goes on in that crazy brain of his? Seriously! I'm still scratching my head, trying to wrap my mind around all of it.

Because, yeah, this was a total curveball thrown at me, something we've never talked about before. I'll stay away from labels, like my husband did, but if I was looking for one, it wouldn't be hard to come up with one, for what this week could be considered! Well, okay. I'll just go ahead and label it Hell Week. I think that's pretty appropriate! Because I've been in trouble so much, it's been tough sitting down. And I've definitely got to figure out some better survival skills since I have a long ways to go before this week is over! Ugh!

Don't get me wrong, I'm super thankful he changed his mind about that monster spanking. And I would have paid any price, he knows that! (that meanie totally used that info against me! Pout). But this feels like in some ways like, well, long exquisite torture. After all, I'm not naturally good at submitting (I know, I know, that's a crazy shocker about me, huh?). Really I'm not. And this whole experience is making that come to light with massive clarity! I have to say, my attitude hasn't been the best about the whole thing. It could be because I seem to be perpetually in trouble. This week hasn't been easy, and it's not intended to be. Nothing beyond the boundaries of consent, or even nearing it, but, frankly...it's just been hard.

Yesterday, Jay came and sat on the couch with me, after I had given him an eensy weensy bit of attitude about something. Okay, much more than an eensy weensy bit. But I was frustrated, more at myself than anything else. I also felt like challenging him, and sometimes attitude is the way I do it. I hate to admit that. Sigh.

Instead of immediately addressing it, as he has been doing, he just looked at me, and shook his head. "Kay, what's with the attitude?" he asked, his voice full of sad frustration.

"Nothing," I said, turning away. "This week just bites!" I pouted.

"Kay," he continued, "I'm trying to do what I think is right, and I don't get your response. I gave you mercy because I saw you were so upset, and I thought this was a better way to address it, one that could also help us for the future. I know this is hard for you. But what, do you think this week is easy for me?"

Easy for you? Hmmm, let's think about that one. Yeah, you must be the one being laid over counters and the couch and the bed to be paddled all hours of the day? And you have the gall to talk about it being hard for you? Poor baby! Geez!  Wisely, I kept those thoughts to myself, as well as the accompanying eyeroll I could have given it.

"No," I answered.

"I know things are tougher than you're used to. But you agreed to this, right? You agreed to all of it."

"Yes," I answered again.

"And yet you don't seem to get that I'm actually doing this for us, to try to break habits entrenched that I've let slide for way longer than I should have. I know you don't like it, but I do think that this week will help. And I know you're not going to like hearing this, but, you need to know, some of the stuff will stop, but the consistency of a lot of the things we start this week won't be just going away. We have to change some things for the good of this family and for our marriage. You know that. We've talked about it. We just haven't done anything to address it.

"You know, I'm trying really hard not to be an ass. I could of taken away your computer and phone free time completely or brought down to one hour but I didn't. I could be much harder about things that I am, but I'm trying to be merciful and understanding, even in the midst of this. But you are not making it easy! And you're forcing me to take action that I don't want to do! Don't you get that? Don't you get that this week doesn't have to be as hard as you're making it?"

His tone held real emotion, and his eyes pleaded for me to listen. And in that moment, I felt something hard break within me. I was reminded again, that even though this week is stretching us both, my husband is not the enemy, that he's actually on my side. And that I don't have to fight him every second! (I know! What a concept, huh?). That I need to adjust my thinking. Seriously, it's easy to forget that we're in this together as a team, when he's the one wielding the paddle. I need to be reminded once in a while, that isn't easy for either of us, and that we support each other, and work for, not against, each other.

So anyway, I've got some real stuff to think about and hopefully help out my perspective in getting through this week. I know it still won't be easy, but maybe keeping that in mind will make things a little bit easier. :)