One of Those Days...

Hi everyone! It's me, Kay. Yeah, I know, I know. I've been...what did my friend call it? Oh yeah, "bump on a blog." I do have a good reason though! It's because...um...well actually...nope, I got nothin'. All I can think of is that my muse thought it a brilliant time to go on vacation. Humph.

Not that life hasn't been topsy turvy. It has, and way more than when I was working! Plus, I never knew keeping a toddler (with a newly discovered stubborn streak--from his father, no doubt). safe and happy, could be so downright exhausting! Will someone share their secret of how they do it?

The stress of all of it sometimes gets to me, when combined with everything else, especially lately. And yesterday was one of those days. Really, I should have been ecstatic. When it becomes a gorgeous white wonderland outside, a rarity for us, the whole city shuts down (no one can drive in snow here), and as a result, Jay was able to be home with us all day.Yay! Or in this case, not as yay as it should have been.

Anyway, I'm not sure what happened. I'm sure already mildly being in trouble had something to do with it. Then there was the fact that a few of my friends were going through stuff. Stuff that I wish I could fix, but couldn't. Drives me batty sometimes to not be able to do anything.. Not only that, but the day before, it had fallen to me, via chance, to finally tell Jay's sister, once and for all, that we can't cosign for her house, and there's a strong possibility she will hold this against me forever. I'm relieved about this being settled. It's been stressing me out for over a month that this was a horrible idea, to the point where I haven't been able to sleep, and Jay listened, even though it meant possibly losing his sister over it (Yes, she's that petty.). So yeah, I'm cool with taking the blame for it, glad to even, but at the same time, it still sucks! I don't get people like that sometimes, really I don't. Sigh.

To add to all that, I found out yesterday that in trying to do the right thing and take care of our family financially, I may have made a bad decision and cost us the ability to get a house of our own. I was feeling like everything was on my shoulders (how do our HOH's handle that feeling? It's horrible!).

And inevitably all these things led me to more than anything want my father to help make this better, or at least be there for me to vent to. I miss him every day, but at times like this, I miss him so much it physically hurts. Even though it's been now a year and a half since he died, it's hard for me to accept that he's truly gone. Death sucks, ya know? Sometimes i wonder if I'll ever get over it.

All this to say I was in pure "scratchy-cat" mode all day. That combined with an "I don't really care WHAT you say" attitude. Not a good combo! And poor Jay got scratched quite a few times by my outstretched claws.

"Kay, what's wrong with you?!" he asked time and time again.

"I'm stressed," I growled.

He tried to help. I chose not to accept it. Instead, I hid in my phone all day. I didn't listen when he told me what to do, even though one of the things was a task from yesterday that I had not gotten done. I may or may not actually have told him that I didn't care what the consequences were, and to leave me alone. Yikes.

Well finally my husband had had enough. He had given me space, but this was beyond that. I was disrespectful and antagonistic, not to mention disobedient. He took my phone from me. Quickly he typed in "I've gotta go" (or something like that) as a way of saying goodbye to my friends (since I happened to be on chat at the time), then closed it out. "No more phone or computer for the rest of the night," he announced. "And I also want you to go to the bedroom right now so we can fix this."

I stomped, not walked, off in the direction of the bedroom.

"Oh really?" Jay asked. "That's the way you want it? Okay." His voice was resolute, and I didn't like it. "Assume the position, so we can talk," he said, after shutting the door, and reaching for the paddle.

Suddenly reality kicked in. I did what I was told, but then I struggled."I can't, Jay! I'll talk, I promise! Just please! I can't take this right now!" I pleaded, starting to cry.

"Okay," Jay said, putting the paddle away. He let me vent. He let me feel his love. I relaxed finally, and let him help me. I let him be the HOH.

We started to watch a movie, before things with our son took precedence. While it was on, I watched a party scene, and mused, "I wish we had some sweet wine! Honey can't you go get some? Please? Please?"

"Aww, poor Sweetie," Jay teased. He doesn't get it, of course. He hates alcohol of any sort. "The place closed already anyway," Jay laughed. "It's late. Sorry."

"Dang." I pouted. After a while, he announced,"I'm going to go get dinner, and some Dr. Pepper (he lives on the stuff), and I'll be back, okay?"

"All right," I said. He came back five minutes later. "Geez, I hate looking younger than I am," he grunted, getting his ID. Then he left again. Well, that made me think! Was he actually getting me wine? That's not a normal thing for us! (except the occasional attempts at bribery, lol!).

When my husband got back, he put the meal he had bought in the oven, then brought out the wine that sure enough, he had bought. "It's the same wine that I brought to the party and wouldn't let you have," he explained. (If you're lost, you can read that post here.

I know, I can hear the chorus of "awwws" and "that's so sweet!" Yeah, that's exactly what I thought too...and then guilt set in. Like, how horrible is that that they do that to us?! You're treating them so awful, and then they go out of their way to shock you with how they cherish you, and make you feel so bad! It would leave me absolutely infuriated...if it didn't make my heart melt so much! Big sigh.

I did ask him if the day could be forgotten. "Oh, I'd like to," Jay responded, "but Sweetie, you were pretty horrible. So yeah, I gotta do it, and I know you're not going to like it. But we'll deal with that later, okay?"

Thank God for the defense mechanism of being able to put it out of my mind! (well, it's both a blessing and a curse, but that's another post). We had a wonderful night, watching the rest of the movie, and after we got our son to bed, spending some time together in our jacuzzi (quite fun in the snow!). He purposely waited a little while, watching his anime (gag), and letting me get on my phone.Then finally he addressed the day.

It hurt a lot, and, I must admit, rightfully so. I may have been stressed, but I didn't have to be such a brat about it. I took my frustration out on him, something that's never constructive for our marriage. Instead of letting him comfort and hold me, I fought everything he said, not caring about his feelings, or how much I was hurting him. He assured me that he's the HOH, and that I need to let him be that. We would work it out, and I needed to trust him.

Now everything is right again. Provided that I can get off the computer, and get done in the next hour the task that still has to be finished from a few days ago... :)