Geez, I started this post like more than a week ago, and didn't even have a chance to finish it til now. So now that I do (since I'm saying, I don't care, and taking time to vent), I'm revising it for right now. And I'm trying to vent, sort through why I'm having such a hard time right now, and I don't even know how.
A lot has been happening. Jay was sick for a week with both flu and pneumonia at the same time. I didn't even know that was possible. He got sick with that evil flu that's been going around late Thursday, and by the weekend he had pneumonia as well. He didn't tell me how bad it got until he got back from the doctor on Monday. That's when he let me know that it felt like his left lung was in a vice, being twisted around. But he didn't want me to worry so he kept it from me. Why doesn't he realize that that kind of thing makes me worry more? Grrrrr! So for awhile I struggled with trying to take care of him, which isn't easy, because he's not easy to be around when he's sick. He can even get mean. And I'm so anxious to be up to the task, of being the strong one for him, that instead I just find myself falling. And then spiraling out of control, right when he needs me most. Which then makes me feel guilty for not being able to be stronger, and makes me even worse. Ugh! And moreso too, because the doctor stressed how high the chances of this turning into double pneumonia, since his lung looked so bad, and he had the flu as well. So yeah I was anxious, and trying to prevent that from happening. But at least we got through it, he got better, with both me and our son getting only mildly sick, barely at all, even.
But still, it's hard to pick myself up. Even before Jay got sick, I was struggling to get my head back to where it's supposed to be. I haven't really been able to for a few weeks, probably before that. My husband has been lenient for the most part, which has been both a relief and a frustration. Mainly because it feels like I'm just building up for being in even more and more trouble, and I'm not sure when. I spiral down sometimes, and I can't seem to know how to pick myself up out of it. Lately Jay has been addressing things more, but I don't know, I feel so overwhelmed with everything, it doesn't even seem to help.
My formerly angelic child is two, and by two I mean VERY two. It leaves me feeling incompetent, and I've been massively anxious because of it, then trying to hide my anxiety from him, which makes me just feel like collapsing from emotional exhaustion, when he's finally down for nap or sleep. I know my feelings are normal to an extent, but I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to be a parent. I feel like I'm screwing things up for him, that I'm cultivating a little monster that will just run all over me. It's one of the things I fear most, I have a nephew who's like that, who no one can stand. But no matter what I try, none of my discipline methods seem to be working. And that he isn't speaking except a few words makes it totally harder. Ugh!
And then there's my father-in-law, who is now driving both of us crazy at this point. It's so difficult, especially since there seems no end in sight. I'd say more about that, but it just makes me upset. Things are what they are right now. Sigh.
And then there's finances, which was made worse by Jay missing work from being sick, and a few other things, which I can't talk about, out of respect for Jay. Not because of the monstrous punishment I'd get, since he doesn't read my blog anyway, but just because I'm trying to respect what he wants, and he has strong feelings about that. But let's just say today especially hasn't been a good day. We need to talk tonight, and I don't even know what to say.
In the grand scheme of things, a lot of people are having worse times than me. I try to keep that perspective, because the truth is, God has blessed us so much. But right at the moment, I feel just tired. I find myself listening to the song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North a lot. Describes a lot how I feel right now. I'd post the link, maybe I can later, but frankly, right now I just don't have the time. My son is waking up in a few minutes, and stress I can barely handle, but have to handle, beckons. You can find it on YouTube though, if you want to hear it.
Anyway, that's all my venting for now. Next post will no doubt be sunnier.
Awww Kay...Here's a hug for you...now take a deep breathe...let it out and just breathe.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot going on right now and are feeling overwhelmed...totally normal and understandable. I would imagine that you are not sleeping well either which makes everything worse and increases your stress levels.
Jay will get better, your finances will improve and the bumps in your road will smooth out.
As far as two year olds...they are adorable when they are sleeping and a handful when they are not! You are a good mother, you are not screwing up and your child will not be a monster!
Here is the link for the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM
We are all here if you need to vent or if there is anything we can do to help.
Sending lots of prayers and healing energy to your entire household.
Blessings,
Cat
Thank you, Cat! Yes, overwhelmed pretty much covers it lol. Thank you for the link too. And for your prayers! I so appreciate them! :)
DeleteHi Kay
ReplyDeleteI've never posted here before, I hope you don't mind :)
I can't give any advise, but just wanted to tell you, being a mum of four, I understand how hard it can be with having kids and guilty feelings of how our children will develop through what we teach them.
You know there is a reason they call it the terrible twos, because they are terrible at this age. Little monsters and they can bring you to edge of insanity lol
But hang in there. They get over this, they can't talk properly and can't deal with their emotions, they act out and test their boundaries. It's just the way they are. This doesn't mean they'll stay this way.
My oldest is now 10, nearly 11 and she was the worst two year old you could have ever met. Omg the tantrums were so horrid, she used to lay in the middle of the supermarket and scream and scratch her face, when she didnt get her own way. She had me crying so many days and she was my first and I didn't have a clue how to handle her. It was really hard.
But now she's actually very quite, but sensible girl. She's doing well in school and she's so lovely with the two little ones.
Don't think your a bad mum, because your toddler is ruling you at the moment. It's not your fault, it's his age, he'll get past this and so will you.
I have many days that I think I'm a failure as a mum, but someone told me, if I didn't worry about this stuff, then I would be a bad mum. But worrying shows you care, and your good mum. Don't beat yourself up.
Chin up, they grow up and you will laugh at the stuff they used to do. I always tell my daughter I'm going to play a video of her when she was a baby on her 18th birthday party lol
Hope you feeling better x
Of course I don't mind you commenting, Missy! You can comment anytime! And I welcome the advice you give! Thank you for telling me about your daughter, that helps. And I'm glad I'm not the only one that worries about this stuff, that makes me feel better too. I guess I should approach this differently. Videotaping a tantrum to show when he's an adult might have some merit, hee hee! Thank you so much for stopping by and making me smile! :)
DeleteKay, I can only repeat, you have so much going on, are worn down, stressed, and that you're being too hard on yourself! I think I'd be amgry with my husband for allowing himself to THAT sick without doing something about it sooner too...disappointed and feeling frustrated, because that left you having to deal with a VERY sick husband and everything else alone. Trust and communication needs to be a two way street and he kept something important from you.
ReplyDeleteAs for the toddler, thank goodness they grow. Why do you feel everything is your fault? That you're messing up? Somethings are just hard, but not yours to fix or even control. Can you ease up on yourself a little? Breathe!
Sara
I actually was upset with him. He didn't know it was that bad, but still. I reminded him that I have to tell him everything, so "what's good for the goose, is good for the gander, lol". He agreed he'll do better, and I agreed to try not to freak out as much.
DeletePart of why I think I'm messing up sometimes is just that my nephew is so unmanageable because his parents do nothing, and I just fear that more than anything in the world! But nothing seems to work at this age! And I'm trying! I'm breathing a little better now, thanks. Just like Jay is too, thankfully. ;)
I tell my kids that I make mistakes and each kid doesn't have a perfect learning manual. You are doing a great job! Just the fact that you care and want to be a good mom is more than half the battle. Kids are hard.
ReplyDeleteIt is challenging to take care of everything and not worry. You should give yourself accolades for managing your husbands care and both you and your son. Give yourself a loving hug.
Thank you, Minelle! And I'll try to remember that! :)
DeleteKay,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are having a rough time right now. I am sending lots of hugs and thoughts your way. I hope things get better soon. Take it easy on yourself. In times like this nothing is perfect. Just take a breath and do your best. It will work out. Let me know if you need to talk.
Love and hugs,
TL
Awww, thanks, T! I really appreciate it! :)
DeleteI agree with the others about raising 2 year olds. Until a child is old enough to understand more things, it can be so hard to reason with them. Then because they don't know how to communicate as well, they just cry and throw fits. They cry if you try to help them with something and then they cry because they can't do it. And a million other frustrating things. It WILL get better. Just the fact that you are worried about being a good mother and how your child will be when he grows up, tells me that you are most likely a very good mother. Like the other people said, try to relax. Try not to make him stop crying every time. Sometimes they need to cry out their frustrations too. Just be there. Put in earplugs if you have to. If he's screaming, you'll still hear him. I used them for my husband's snoring, LOL. Tell yourself "this is normal, he is not hurting, he is not hungry or uncomfortable, he knows I'm here and will help if he wants me to. It is my job to protect him from harm, even if he doesn't understand it. Boundries help him to learn trust and feel safe. I am a good mom who loves her son." There is no guilt like a mother's guilt. It will always pop up it's ugly head. One example I give is sending my child to school who says she has a tummy ache. The school calls and she's vomiting (when I thought she was faking). Another time my husband and I were Christmas shopping. My mother in law calls and tells us to call the school. My daughter says "I don't feel good." I told her that we were shopping for her Christmas presents, but we would come to pick her up. Her response "No, It's ok, I think I'll be alright." That's what I figured. My husband I both worked, but if she was the only one having to go "work", she would want to stay home too. Lol. Now she's 29 years old. She can still make us feel guilty. You will finally believe that you are a good mother, even though you have those little moments of guilt or uncertainess. I will say a prayer for you tonight (along with others out in blogland that I'm sure will pray too) that God will reassure you and give you peace and some less stressful days. God bless you and all you love, Belle L.
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting, Belle! I so needed to hear that! And I'll try to repeat that to myself like a mantra, lol. And thank you for your prayers and blessings! :)
DeleteHi Kay,
ReplyDeleteI think blogger ate my comment...a regular problem these days. I agree with the others. You are so hard on yourself it's hard to stop doing that, especially with a sick husband. As for 2 year olds, I've yet to meet one that isn't a complete handful. You are a great mom and he will be just fine. Besides...he got that feisty gene from somewhere. :)
I have a question for you and it comes from what seems like a recurring theme. It feels good and a relief when Jay gives you a little slack and isn't so consistent but it also seems to knock at your confidence. You begin to get overwhelmed again by getting tasks done etc and begin to worry about what kind of trouble you'll inevitably find yourself in. Does he understand how much this back and forth, up and down wears on you? I'm not being critical of him but you two have been at this for some time and if it's a way of life that really helps you both, would he make a commitment to keep a certain level of consistency--whatever level works best for you?
Of course consistency can include things like chocolate, afternoons off etc...I'm not just thinking about that terrible spanking word.
Hugs Kay...I hope today is a better one by far!
Ugh, I know, I hate when Blogger does that! You're totally right, he doesn't quite get it though. He thinks that if he gives me a break it's being nice and helping me, and you would think that, but even though I appreciate it at the time, the uncertainty unhinges me a lot of the time. This stuff is so confusing, it's hard to explain it to him though, when I'm still confused by it. But I am trying. And I SO agree about the other kind of consistency! Wish he'd go back to bribing me again, that actually worked! ;)
DeleteKay, I'm sorry you are having a rough time right now. You have had so much going on and are worn down and stressed. Try not to be so hard on yourself and take a few deep breaths. I hope things get easier soon.
ReplyDeleteSending thoughts and huge (((Hugs))) your way.
Hugs,
Roz
Thanks, Roz! And hugs back! :)
DeleteI went and listened to the song. Wow. Hugs I hope things get better and just know you're not alone my friend
ReplyDeleteThanks, Tiffany! It helps so much not to be alone. And hugs back! :)
DeleteTry rewarding him for good behavior. Kids respond well to rewards
ReplyDeleteThanks, good idea! :)
Delete