My Job as Housewife

I know there are those of you out there that love nothing more than being a wife and a mother. I wish I was June Cleaver, I really do. But so not. It's hard for me to be a housewife. The Master's Degree earning, feminist part of me really hates that word, by the way. It goes against everything I've been trained to believe in. And maybe that's part of the reason why I struggle so much. I can't seem to stay motivated about daily tasks, about being a housewife, about cleaning and cooking (ugh, it is 2013, right? Why is it my responsibility?). Some of it is about my ADHD, and how hard this stuff is for me, and my fear of being inadequate, and hating not being able to concentrate on something that's so important. I don't believe I can do it sometimes and I'd rather not fail, thank you. But I know that ingrained way of thinking to fight this plays a part too. That dichotomy of thought is the reason I ask my husband for help, then pull away and do the opposite, then give up in self-defeat, then ask him for help again, and when he tries to give it, lash out, or try to outsmart him by doing it my way...yeah I feel sorry for him too. So I often go through this pattern of doing well for a moment, then sabotaging my own efforts and falling flat on my face. And especially if I do really well one day, it's especially hard to keep it up that next day! Like maybe I've used up my energy or concentration allotment for the next few days? I'm not sure. For those of you who get a task list as well, especially after one of those "or else" days, anyone else struggle with can't-behave-two-days-in-a-row syndrome? Ugh!

Yesterday I did everything perfect (bowing). Jay gave me little choice, if I wanted to be able to sit comfortably today. He gave me definite tasks that absolutely had to be done. And made daily offenses worth double. Something about how I needed a wakeup call. And how even though I'd gotten in trouble the night before yesterday for my less-than-instant obedience, he'd let task deadline infractions go that night with the knowledge of what he'd require the next day. So, very little choice. I honestly didn't think I could do it. But I worked hard all day, and I got everything done. I accomplished the near impossible. Just like he said I could. Yesterday night he thanked me for listening to him and doing everything he asked me to do. He also told me that I had just proved I actually could do it (oops, and I was tempted to leave just one little thing undone for that reason!). Of course, my husband knows me. He saw my response to that statement, and shook his head. And gave me a lecture on always doing my best and always striving to be better, not holding myself back so I wouldn't be accountable to work as hard. Ugh, but I knew he was right. I had high hopes for today.

Still, today I've done nothing. I've eaten on time so far, so that's a plus. But as far as tasks, it's like I've been powerless to do anything today. I've played on my phone A LOT. Talked to a few people. And now that my son is sleeping for the moment, I'm on the computer. Granted, Jay didn't give me specific tasks to do today. But I'm not an idiot. I know he still expects me to use my head and use my day to accomplish something. But my head feels fuzzy, and I just want to give into that fuzziness, not fight it like I'm supposed to. I don't feel like trying as hard as I did yesterday. And even though I know intellectually spankings hurt, I just can't seem to care at the moment.

I know, I know, I've got to snap out of it! But how?

Jay talked yesterday about ethics, how hard he works at his job, and I should be seeing this as my job too and giving it the same dedication. It's hard to think of it that way sometimes. Like he's my boss (who gets spanked by their boss?! Geez!). But it does help a little. It helps to see it as a job that I get paid for (not in money maybe, but in having a happy healthy environment for our son, and a grateful husband who feels loved and respected, eager to reciprocate, and even pride in myself, that I can do it), rather than seeing it as the endless thankless drudgery I confess I often see it to be.

And too, I don't want to play the "let's see what I can get away with" game that Jay called me on playing (I think, "everyone needs a hobby" was my response at the time, but then we talked seriously). That lecture actually hit hard, because I can now objectively understand how he feels disrespected by my actions. Especially when all he's trying to do, even when I don't appreciate it, is help. Plus I know when Jay sees me doing my best, even when my best isn't perfect, it takes a huge amount of stress of of him and off our family. Still, I'm not going to say it's not hard to keep that attitude when it's the last thing I feel like doing. When I'd rather be chatting with friends. Or escaping into a cool movie. Or doing anything at all besides this...ughness. This is when maturity comes in, I guess, choosing to do the right thing even when I don't feel like it. Hate that ethics thing he was talking about! Arrgghhh!

So I guess now I should choose to do my job. And accept the consequences for wasting most of the day. And try my hardest for the rest of today, and tomorrow too.

Which means it's my cue to leave, dang. ;)