Treading Water

Happy belated New Year everyone! So far things...well, admittedly they're a little tough. Last year, after the school year started my husband changed his work schedule for our son's sake. He had previously been on second shift, but that schedule would have prevented them from seeing each other at all, so I begged him to change to first shift and Jay listened. It was hard on him. Really hard. I know that. He was previously going to bed super late at night, like 3 often even 4. Switching to first shift meant he was having to go to bed at 7:30-8 and waking up at 4. But wow the effect on our family. And me. It felt like I wasn't a single parent anymore, in a way I hadn't even realized was possible. We actually had family dinner. Every night. I had help with the kids, and they got to interact with their father more. There was a part of me that felt guilty because I knew how hard on him it was. But seeing the effect on the kids was awesome. And it wasn't like I wasn't sacrificing too. I was going to bed same time as Jay, for crying out loud. Pretty much earlier that I'd ever gone to bed, not even sure I went to bed that early as a child. But it was what he needed (yeah I was playing on my phone for um...several hours under the covers, but c'mon, what do you expect).


Anyway, that changed back at the beginning of the year. It would have been hard with school before (it was for the few weeks that we did before he switched), but now, it's just tougher still. I see what we had, and I'm desperate to preserve that. And I'm bending over backwards to try to make that happen. I convinced my zombie husband to get up early to see our son off to school, made a deal that I'd make breakfast. Anyone who knows me knows that's not an easy promise, especially in the morning when I'm a stressed out also zombie trying to get my son off to school on time. I'm not used to it, and cereal won't cut it. Then Jay goes back to sleep, and I don't like it, but I guess I just have to deal with that. I'm just hoping to avoid the previous getting up right before he leaves for work, which was so hard on me. Particularly because now as of last night he gave me a bedtime of way before he gets home from work.


Which brings us to...really? I know intellectually he's trying to make sure I get enough rest. I also know he's delusional. That means not only am I having to deal with the kids alone, and have dinner ready for him when he walks in the door (guess how many time's that's happened? I can use my hands to count them). Now I'm expected to be in bed, not even able to vent or be with him, something I NEED at the end of a hard day. Instead IF I obey, I'll be in bed, listening to him moving around or watching tv or whatever, definitely NOT asleep, seething or probably crying, because I'm an emotional creature. I tried to explain all that. He's not listening though, at least not yet. He IS going to bed as early as he can. But ugh, that's not enough. And I'm trying to explain it, it's not coming out right, I'm making it worse.


Adding on to all this mess is DD. And because arithmetic is fun, I'd like to subtract it now, thank you. He doesn't agree. On his previous shift it had been difficult schedule-wise, and we stepped back on most of it. Now he thinks we need to go back to it, all consistent and such. Not sure when, how this schedule is any easier, but anyway.


I got a reminder the other night. It's amazing to me after such a brief while how I'm able to forget so completely how much it hurts. And always shocked once again that this is my life. Like, how in the world have I been doing this for the last seven years? But...I get what he's saying, I do. And yeah, it helps us, all that. It's not like I'm pulling general consent, that would really hurt us. I just don't want to focus on a billion rules right now, none of which I feel like doing. I'm just trying to keep my head above water, and when I get stressed I get rebellious. Even want to do the opposite to make myself feel better! Yikes. And if he steps back when that kind of thing is going on, well, that's when resentment starts to creep in. Definitely not something I want either.


My usual way of sorting through this stuff is gone because...circumstances. And I desperately need perspective. Right now all of it makes me feel acutely alone. Like I've hardly felt since I've been in this dynamic. May not be the case, but it definitely feels like it at the moment.


Ok, I DO get in the grand scheme of things, figuring out how to adjust is a pretty small problem to have actually, and I have a lot to be thankful for. And I know there's a way to figure this stuff out. I just feel like my life is a bunch of puzzle pieces spread out before me, that I'm struggling to put together, and I suck at figuring out puzzles. Especially with some of those pieces being under the couch, maybe downstairs under a pile of toys in a child's room, out in the yard, a few stuck in the washer, possibly in the freezer, who knows, knowing me.


But just because it's confusing, that doesn't mean there isn't STILL a way to make things work right? And in my case, I'm pretty sure the finished puzzle makes a piece of land I can stand on or at least a life raft. Just right now I can't figure out how to put it together.


Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. I do know I'm not going to drown. I'm hoping things will get easier. I just need to get through it til that happens I guess.