Death Sucks

This is not a post that has anything to do with DD. I just feel I need to vent, and here is a safe place to do that, with all of you.

I miss my dad, especially today. It's been two years today since he died, and still it feels like yesterday sometimes. There's so much I wish I could tell him. I used to talk with him about everything. I'd go to him whenever I had a problem. I was his only daughter, and we shared a special relationship because of that.

Not that he was a perfect father or anything, he made some pretty big mistakes. But more than anything else, even when I couldn't be with him as a child, I had no doubt he loved me. And even though I didn't get to grow up with him as my father, it didn't matter. As soon as I was was out of the foster home that made us cut off all contact for so long, I lost no time reestablishing our relationship, and he tried to make it up to me, even though he didn't quite know how. We became super close. He loved my husband too. He was the first in my family to accept Jay. And he loved Jay too, exactly like a son. In fact, they shared a special relationship together, that my brothers don't even know about. Partly I think, because I was his princess, and his relationship with my brothers got strained at times for various reasons. But also because Jay and him had so much in common. They had dreams of the future in common, and my dad was going to help Jay out to accomplish those.

He didn't get to.

He didn't get to see our son, or the fact that Jay got a new job, a better job, working for the same company that my dad worked at for thirty years. That our son is amazing and perfect, and I know my dad would have had to try very hard not to show favoritism. I can imagine my son in his grandpa's arms, knowing what he would say, what his expressions would be, and it hurts SO badly. Especially since Jay's father is not a very nice guy, and it makes my heart ache to know that's the only grandfather my son will know.

I want to show my dad our house too, with the shop he always wanted for Jay, and see the pride in his eyes. I still remember him walking me down the aisle three years and a week ago. I know I'd see that same expression I saw that day, and that I saw on my graduation day, and so many times during the short time I got to know him.

I'm also typing this on my dad's computer, and I just looked down and realized right now was the last time two years ago that he used it. Not really sure how to end this post, I know death is a natural part of life, and really my dad died as he wanted, suddenly (I hope), and not after months of intense suffering. I know that he wouldn't want to see me cry, he even told me that, that he wasn't afraid of death.

Still though, going through this really sucks, especially around this time of year, but also all throughout. I'm still wondering when I'll get to the "acceptance" stage of grief. Will it ever happen? :(