Don't Get on a Roll

Yeah it's been a while. Sorry about that...again. The thing is, I'd love to blog as much as I used to, but right now I just keep finding it overwhelming. The upkeep of this house is so stressful, combined with new challenges as my son gets older, and well I find that either of those things get paid attention to, like I'm supposed to, or I get lost in Blogland and those things get neglected. I'm still struggling to find a balance.

Oh, to add to that, I truly wish I could just whip out a post really fast, but unfortunately I tend to be too much of a perfectionist. I need to feel inspired to write. Everything needs to flow just right. Punctuation and editing should be perfect. Why I act like any of my English professors will be reading my blog I'm not sure. I do know I've been guilty of spending a lot more time writing or reading posts than I should. Even to the point of lots of times getting in trouble for writing about submission--or reading about it and commenting--when I should instead actually BE submitting. Yup, there's irony for ya! Sheesh. Anyway, it's a fine tight rope walk I haven't figured out yet. Sigh.

And one other thing I forgot to mention: my child is obsessed with my computer. Being that every time I get on it, he wants on it too. And lets me know quite vocally! So when I've had time to read (luckily I'm a super fast reader), it's mainly been via my phone. I read posts, but I can't comment a lot of the time. Yeah, after time and time again of trying to post an absolutely brilliant insightful comment for over half an hour and it still not work, I've come to the sad conclusion that Blogger and my phone are not friends. What Blogger did to make my phone so upset I don't know, but apparently there's a grudge there that's not going away any time soon. Resulting in that on so many of your posts, I've become a lurker again, grrr!

So anyway, that's my sad list of excuses of why I've been pretty much MIA. And my rant I needed to get out, which I'll end with that I do miss all of you.

But yes, no search parties needed, we are still alive, and still doing DD (she says, sitting on a soft pillow). I'm still trying my best to stay out of trouble (and sometimes even succeeding!). Luckily I have friends that continue to help me.

So besides missing all of you, I'm venturing out of lurkerland to share with you all a present a friend recently got me:



Isn't this magnet sweet (and so true?). Jay thought so too. He was the one that opened it up, laughed, and stuck it to the refrigerator. Got to appreciate that he has a sense of humor. Unfortunately, his sense of humor doesn't extend that far. I learned from experience that pointing to the magnet as to why I did a certain forbidden action doesn't go the way I'd hoped.

"One of those days, huh? Well I guess it's just one of those days I need to step up and adjust things! Go to the room!" is apparently the response I get. I know, I know, I should have expected it. But unfortunately, at least about DD things, I tend to be too much of a "hands on" learner (or in my case, "implement on"?). Sigh.

Speaking of, that's Jay's new campaign! Stopping me from rolling my eyes. I've gotten in trouble a lot for it lately. I've used every excuse in the book, from praying for help, to inspecting the ceiling, to exercising them in order to increase oxygen flow. No go on any of those, by the way. Or the tons of others that I've tried.

I have to admit, I don't like being punished for this. It's my one small way I can protest things, get out frustration, but...if I'm honest, I realize he's right to hold me accountable for this. Still, sometimes, I swear those things have a mind of their own. I mean, I really don't want to do it! But you know, those dang "some days"...

Anyway, I'm trying to retrain my thinking, because this is such a HUGE struggle for me. I mean, more than that I've been in trouble for doing it again and again during the past few days (my coping mechanism for stress, anyone else identify?). But I do clearly know the importance of this not being in our marriage anymore. So I'm going to "put on my big girl pants" (so among other things, I don't have to take them down later!), and give myself, as well as all of you who struggle with it, a lecture. And maybe just maybe, it will get the message from our brains to our eyes and we'll find a way to STOP doing it!

Studies have shown that eye rolling is a key indicator, even in some studies, the key indicator, of predicting future divorce. I'm not going to look it up and reference stuff, because with my ADHD tendencies, I'd spend six hours finding the perfect snippets to include from the perfect article (I'm not exaggerating), and either I'd so be in trouble for blogging when I'm supposed to be doing other things, or you'd never see this post because it would never get finished. So I'm going to leave that up to you, especially if you struggle with understanding why eye rolling isn't a big deal, to do a small assignment (I've already done it). Ready? The assignment is this: google "eye rolling" and "divorce". And see if it doesn't change your perspective. Done it yet? Have those rolling eyes been opened yet?

I don't know about you, but the idea that eye rolling can be such a key indicator for predicting divorce and I do it so much is absolutely harrowing to me. But when you think about it, it makes total sense. Rolling your eyes is a sign of contempt for who is talking to you. Now, granted, it may be just a widdle itty bitty sign, just to protect your pride when the guy gets on your nerves SO MUCH, a small way of getting to rebel without rebelling. Yeah, I'm referring to myself and how I think. But really, how do you think that harmless-feeling action that feels so good to you feels to him? I know Jay feels disrespected and therefore, agitated. He's told me as much, even if he can't pinpoint why. Now being that I have a huge interest in how the messages a person receives unconsciously and subconsciously can affect a person's self-image and perception, let's break this down for a sec. We already know that disrespect can tear at the very fabric of a guy's self-worth, that having it in many ways defines who they are. And to me, contempt is one of the ultimate forms of disrespect.  So why do you think it affects marriages so strongly? Well, how does anyone feel when they're treated with contempt? Whether on a conscious or unconscious level, I would say hurt. Demeaned. Definitely not respected. Unloved even. And remember, this comes from the person he loves most in the world, from the person who's opinion he values the most. For doing a job that's decidedly not fun sometimes, but is necessary to take care of their relationship and their family. And do we really want to treat our guys that way? Do we even have to wonder why, when we treat our guys like this, and make them feel that way, it's hard for them to be consistent? Hard questions, but necessary questions, don't ya think?

Anyone convicted yet? Me too. Of course, let's be honest. It's easy to give a speech about why I shouldn't do something, and then find myself doing exactly what I said we shouldn't do. I try really hard to keep these reasonings in my head, to keep my eyes from expressing the frustration I feel. But the truth is, it's a habit. A bad habit that needs to be changed, but something that doesn't just get changed overnight. Not only that, it's an unhealthy coping mechanism to deal with this dirty word, "obedience". It involves letting go of my pride, and I don't like doing that. It involves choosing not to protest, when I most want to. And it's going to take some work. No doubt I'm going to mess up, I imagine I'm going to still keep getting in trouble for this, probably for awhile. Habits take time to break, after all (although yes, that time is drastically expedited when there's a paddle involved!). But the thing is (and no one throw this in my face later, please), no matter how hard I have to work at it, I want to do this. Not because I'll get in trouble less, although geez, that is a plus! But my real motivation is because I love Jay too much, and value our marriage too much, to treat this lightly, and not change something that has the potential to destroy what we have. This is MY way of protecting us. 

So that's the end of my pep talk to myself. Hopefully it will help me, and even you, to do better at this. Although you should understand, when it's, well, one of those dang "some days", and he's getting all HOH-y, and I'm all PMS-y, and ALL I want to do is defend my pride and express my frustration in a way I might actually get away with, don't expect...

Yeah, I know, I know! Even then.

And quit rolling your eyes at me. :)