Comes Down to...Whaaa?!

Okay, so this post is going a completely different direction that I thought it would go, when I wrote my last post, but life is like that, right? Especially when you don't get to post right away. So anyway...

I left off last post with Jay, realizing some things needed to change, and listening in on a private conversation with a DD friend. Let me explain that a little bit. This friend I have, she's amazing. She's a person in this lifestyle that I turn to when I'm in trouble, because we're a lot alike, and we can support each other. Now unlike what both our husbands undoubtedly think, we don't just advise each other on ways to weasel out of trouble when we're in trouble (yeah, sometimes we give advice about ways to weasel out even before we're in trouble, hee hee!).

In all seriousness, my friend can objectively look at my situation and give me a new perspective I hadn't considered, or reinforce what I already should have realized. She can pinpoint what's really going on in a situation, just like I can usually about stuff she's going through. That's why it's great to have an outside viewpoint. And yes, she gives great advice, when I choose to listen! (Hey, don't give me a hard time, it's not like she listens every time when I give my sage advice either! [to whom it may concern: right? right? ;-P ]. But yeah, we vent together about our frustrations, and just listen to each other, or we encourage each other, and even pray for each other during hard times. DD would be so much harder without her in my life.

To this friend's credit, she listens to me vent my frustrations about my husband not being consistent, and it can't be easy for her, because she'd probably throw a party if she got one day without consistency! But even she will admit that the arbitrary way we sometimes end up living this lifestyle--never knowing when I'm in trouble or not, or what rules will be enforced that day, like it's determined by the flip of a coin--can be incredibly frustrating, even worse sometimes than the opposite. And because it's been affecting me a lot lately, and apparently because my husband and I are a topic of interest between her husband and her lately, we've been having quite a few conversations about it.

One thing she shocked me, though. "You know, Kay, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think what it comes down to is that you don't respect your husband."

Whaaa?! That was my initial inclination. Geez, tell me what you really think! I don't like being told that! Of course I respect my husband! Aren't I doing DD? Aren't I submitting, which once was to me a dirty word? (sometimes still is). Don't I love him above anything? We talk about this a lot! She knows that!

"What I mean is, you don't respect him to lead you," she continued. "You don't respect that when he says something, he'll do it."

 Well okay, I still don't like it, but she's got a point there.

She went on to explain that when I get a rule, the first thing she notices that I often do is question whether it's really a rule, since I don't really trust that he'll see it through, that I pick and choose which ones to follow, based on what I think he'll enforce. We talked about how easy it is to make DD a game, and how I lose the benefits DD gives when I do that. I know that in my head, but hearing my friend affirm that helped me. A true friend will do that for you, telling you the truth when you need to hear it, even when you don't want to hear it!

I know she's absolutely right, and her words have made me think a lot about things. Anyone who follows my blog knows that this isn't the first time I've struggled with this issue, that I've even written a ton about it. But the idea of it being about not respecting my husband puts it in a new light. It doesn't sit well with me, to be honest. I don't want to be like that. I can't change his part of it--it's true that he hasn't actually always contributed to that respect by following through. But I do want to learn to respect Jay more than I do, regardless of what he enforces or not. I just find myself constantly falling on my face, and sometimes I beat myself up about it. Not anywhere close to like I did before DD started, but still. I do know the benefits that DD gives, and how I sabotage that from happening by my attitude not being what it should be. How I work against him, and stop us from being the team we're supposed to be. I want to get there. Even if I have to battle my will every day to do it. Still, I just wish he'd make it easier sometimes, ya know? Not that I want black and white consistency at all times, but isn't there a middle road somewhere?

Anyway, I'm digressing so you have the background, but that's what we were discussing. And that's what I was venting about...with Jay listening from the other room. Okay, I should mention something about that too. Sometimes Jay does mischievous, conniving things. But this time, I've got to claim responsibility that this was totally my fault! This is a new house, and I forget sometimes that just because I'm in a room alone, doesn't mean that sound doesn't travel. Like say, if he's in the bathroom and I'm in the kitchen. So it wasn't like he had an ear up to the door violating my privacy or anything. But at the same time, he wasn't going to stick his fingers in his ears and sing la la la when he knows the conversation is about him and how things could be made better.

So he heard everything. And I'm guessing he took mental notes.

Because that night, Jay let me know it was time to enforce maintenance, or role affirmation, or whatever you want to call it, which he hadn't enforced the week before even though he was going to do it. This was a total surprise for me, because had I bet someone, my money would have been on him letting it go.

Well that turned into a punishment from a few times of disrespect during the day. So he addressed that and then he surprised me. He identified a few things I did well, in spite of our stress.

Then, "What are your goals for the week, Kay?"

"I don't know!" I answered, still distracted by the pain in my backside. Can't I just rub it a little? Geez!

"I'm not accepting that. Think of some." He waited until I named two, then he added a housekeeping one. Ugh!

"Can you do this this week?"

"I don't know!" I shrugged my shoulders. It felt overwhelming, and I had just recently been reminded of how much I hated being spanked.

"Well, let me ask you this, then. Do you think it's fair?"

"Yes," I answered, truthfully. I shook my head, frustrated. "Anyone else would find it easy," I muttered. "Still, this is me we're talking about." After a moment, I lifted teary eyes to his. "Do you think I can?"

Jay held my gaze, solemnly. "Yes I do. I have complete faith you can do it."

"Then I guess I'll trust you," I answered, trying to derive confidence from him.

"Okay, so we're agreed. You know I have to give a consequence otherwise you and I both know you're not going to do it for sure. So we'll meet back here again Sunday night. If you don't meet those goals, then I will spank, but it will be punishment, not maintenance. If you do, then I won't spank at all, and we'll just examine new goals for the week. I change my mind on the whole spanking regardless thing, I just don't want to do it, no matter how light it is."

 "Yeah but I prefer it to this kind of thing where I get punished big-time every Sunday!"

"Well, good, because I've got a solution to that! Don't get punished!" my husband said cheerily. "Now come cuddle with me. Trust me on this: things will be okay."

Uh huh. Trying...

Okay so I should interject that, technically, you can say this isn't maintenance, it's a weekly review. And ugh, it wasn't something I liked better, either! Even though I've always been not enthusiastic about the idea of getting spanked regardless, given the two choices, I actually probably would have preferred maintenance. The idea that it wouldn't hurt as much as a punishment is quite appealing! This way, it's kind of a bad punishment if I ignore the goals for the week, worse than what I usually get. BUT one thing I have learned , at least in our relationship. is that sometimes you've got to stay away from expecting rules for this stuff! Basic guidelines, maybe. Like a lot of guys out there, Jay hates doing what everyone does. He likes coming up with his own thing. And changing it if it doesn't work for him. It's his show. Not that I don't have an input, though! But I still try to understand that ultimately he's in charge, and let him lead.

And lead he did. Well up until a few days ago, he could have been nominated for HOH of the year. I wasn't able to get away with anything. I was sore a lot. He was very loving, but VERY consistent. It was annoying, but comforting. I was actually making some progress, as little as it was.

A few days ago, though, well after I wrote the last post, something happened that was quite stressful for us. And yet again, things have been unintentionally put on hold. I'm back to pondering my friend's words, and trying to give that respect on my end, even if I can't control his part of it.

So even though the circumstances have changed back to what they were previously, I'm still saying I'm done rebelling. I REALLY want to be! If Jay's consistent this week, good for him. But I'd like to not even have to find out!

It bothers me that I don't respect my husband enough. It bothers me when I treat it like a game, to see how much I can get away with. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to stop all the expectations that determine if I feel like rebelling or not.

If I can, anyway. It's not always an easy thing to do. This is, after all, me we're talking about. But I can try. And keep trying, right?

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to working on the tasks he assigned me to do this week...:)