To The New Year

Well, Happy 2013, everybody! So since it's been awhile, I probably should first summarize what's been going on these past few months. I left off that I was trying to stay away from the computer to get a handle on actually getting tasks done and staying out of trouble. I was getting frustrated with not being able to reach a week trouble-free so my husband suggested me focusing on four days instead, trouble-free. With a reward if I make it. Almost did it. But well, stress and him being really HOH-y consistent, and me not making good decisions in the moment kind of messed that up. But I'll do it. In my defense, I haven't had much of a chance. The challenge holds only when I'm home during regular life, and we haven't had that for awhile.

From about a week before Thanksgiving til a week before Christmas, I do a job every year that, while incredibly fun is also incredibly draining. Which means whenever I'm not working, I'm little more than a vegetable, as far as how useful I am around the house. And since I hosted Thanksgiving, (my first time, and yes, I'm proud, my family was shocked by how great it was!), it was a lot to deal with. But I got through it. Then planned everything we needed for Christmas during that last week, while I tried to stay out of trouble amid all the stress. Sorta worked. While I definitely did better than the horror that was Christmas time last year, I did get in trouble a few of the days, including early Christmas Day. And no, it wasn't due to what I put in his Christmas stocking! I got in trouble in the wee hours of the morning, before we went to sleep. What's that? Oh you want to see what he had in his stocking from me? Just this, hee hee!

Filled with candy of course. I did get a very HOH-y look, but that was it. Priceless moment that would have been worth a discipline anyway. Ha! And it's a fabulous mug to have my morning coffee in when he's not looking! A kind of present to myself, really. But I digress.

On Christmas Day, we dropped off our son, and my dear Jay gave me the gift I most desperately wanted: a few days away. We booked a hotel not far away, and just got away from all the things stressing us out, the constant presence of his dad, who's driving us both crazy, caring for our toddler, and all responsibilities. It was wonderful and oh so romantic. Well, except when I got in trouble for sassing him one time too many, (the meanie packed an implement!) but other than that, perfect.

Okay so now you're all caught up to the last few days. The bad thing about vacations, even small ones, is that when they end, there's that difficult transition remembering real life awaits. For me, it was picking up our son and coming home. My husband's vacation (his work gives him a Christmas break), restarted this week.

When I get back from a vacation, I'm in a different mode. I don't feel like submitting, and real life seems so overwhelming and depressing to return to. Consequently, the year ended with me being a trifle testy. Bending rules just a bit, half to see if anything would happen, half to feed that heady feeling of independence. Until New Year's Eve night.

We have a rule between us. Nothing can be carried over to the new year. So that night, before 2012 ended, Jay called me to account. He addressed some things from the past couple of days (ow!). He said he expected more from me, and that he knew I could do better. That he'd be helping me in the year ahead since he was improving his resolution from last year to being EVEN MORE consistent (gee, thanks?).

We read over all our New Years Resolutions from last year. My husband told me he was proud of the strides I'd made in learning to cook and keeping up with the house, HUGE goals of mine. We both thought that we've grown in how we relate to each other, and how we handle our frustrations, but that we still need to work on it. He also wants us to learn to budget this year, which I'm happy about, because suggesting that resolution shows great humility and leadership on his part. It's something I've been wanting for us for awhile, but has always been intimidating for him to face. So that part was cool.

And then once again he wanted to talk about that more he expected from me. About fighting him and "but"ing him on everything ("but honey, it's impossible not to!"). He wasn't amused, and told me not only was it possible, it would be stopping, or I'd not be doing much sitting in 2013. Ack! Oh, and "doing things the first time you're told, instead of the fifth." (I'll just plead the fifth of whether I'm guilty of doing such a thing...oh shut up). He also put in place a new rule to help inspire instant obedience. And OMGosh I hate hate hate it! It's...oh, what am I thinking? HOH's are lurking about! And well, I've caused enough rules to be implemented in other relationships by writing about them, so...I'll just keep quiet on that. I will say, (ugh, choke, gag, hate having to admit this!), it's gotten my attention. Like quickly. In fact, shortly after the New Year began, I found myself lying on my stomach getting disciplined, for thinking maybe, just maybe, he wasn't serious. Oops. And since then, gotten really close to being in trouble again, numerous times. He's let me know that he's had enough of the ingrained patterns that hurt our relationship and hurt our family. He's calling me on it, and calling an end to it. And I've gotten the message. But just because I realize change needs to happen doesn't mean I won't spend awhile messing up before I get it right. I'm not always smart in the moment of temptation. This is one more thing that's going to make even getting through one day without being in trouble challenging. But a new way to grow that I should embrace instead of trying to run away from? Sigh...yeah. 

So hello 2013, and hello new things that I have to face that I'd rather not. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to obey when he wants me to. I think that's my way of subtle defiance, to protect my pride, that whole "I'll get to doing things when I want to". Or to shut my mouth when I'd rather argue. Sometimes not because I think he's wrong, but just because I want to take a stand, and make sure he knows it. (Uh, yeah, I know, I already got the "choosing to take a stand leads to not being able to sit" observation from my oh so clever husband, you don't need to tell me).

Yep, I've definitely got some things to work on this year.

So here's to another year of learning and growing, not just for me, but for all of us.

I hope everyone is having a great year so far! :)