Getting Back to Normalcy, Oh Joy!

I've been out of sorts of late. True, I've spent a lot of the last week and a half in bed. First for an infection that I tried to cure on my own and so didn't work, then, once I recovered from that, from a bug that's been going around our family. Thankfully it's not that evil flu though, so I should be better soon. Yay, right? Well, kinda.

I'm not all that excited to get back to normalcy, to tell you the truth. Because I've been sick, we've been on a break of sorts. Not when it comes to issues like forgetting to take my morning dose of medication to get well (ow!) or respect, but he's definitely let a lot slide. I haven't had any responsibilities. I hate feeling this way, but I admit, it's definitely been a silver lining to the cloud of having to be sick. I've been taken care of, and that feels nice. I thought back to that recent spanko episode of Big Bang Theory, the one where Sheldon spanks Amy for lying about still being sick (you know the one I'm talking about, I don't need to post it, right?). And well, while I'm sure the writers just thought it would be off the wall and entertaining, I remembered it for a different purpose. Like, I wonder if I could pull that off better than she did? I mean, Jay doesn't have access to lab culture tests, right? No responsibilities, and and no spankings for a little while longer, hee hee! Of course, real life is a lot more serious than being in trouble on a comedy, and then there's the whole deceiving the guy I love issue, so oh well, guess I won't be doing that. Sigh.

But I've been dreading having to return to all my responsibilities, and I'm afraid it's been showing in my attitude about things. Right now, the last thing I want to do is submit (hard to write the word, even!). And since the dawn of 2013 carried with it a whole new set of standards that, while admittedly is good for us, I don't especially like, I'm not exactly an eager beaver to go back to getting in trouble all the time.

Last night we had a discussion about things.

Jay mentioned something, I don't remember what it was about. But I do remember I started in surprise, it seemed like he was goading me into an argument. I asked him why he had said that.

"Oh just getting a Crazy Cycle going," he said, using terminology from the book we've been reading, Love and Respect. His tone was light, joking even, but it hit me hard.

"You haven't been feeling very respected by me lately, huh?" I said sadly, looking into his eyes.

He tried to keep his same tone, "Well, mainly...okay, not really. And I guess you haven't been feeling loved by me much lately, huh?" His voice has gotten super serious, and quiet.

"Wrong!" I cried. "I've totally been feeling loved by you. Ugh, I'm so sorry that I gave you any other impression, I'm so sorry I haven't showed you the respect you need, but please know it's not you."

"Well what's with you then?" Jay asked. "Why have you been acting like you have? Why all the animosity even?"

"I'm not trying to fight you, Hon," I pleaded with him to understand, "I just don't know what to do. I can't seem to get my head in the right place."

"So talk to your husband," he coaxed. "What's been going on?"
.
"Well you know how usually stellar I am at coming back from breaks--"

"This isn't a break though!"

"Well other than the medication thing, it kind of has been, at least compared to how it usually is. I haven't had any responsibilities, you've let almost all the rules slide, stuff like that."

"Yeah I have. So true, I guess we have been on break. But you know that's ending."

"Yeah and going back to everything does NOT sound good right now!"

Jay sighed. "Kay, I'm just trying to help you in the best way I know how."

His tone awakened the sympathetic part of me. "I don't want you to feel like the bad guy. I realize it's to help me and objectively, as an HOH, you're...um...doing a good job.." my voice went down to a mumble on that last part as I looked away.

Even without looking, I could feel that boyish grin I know so well spread across his face. "What's that?" he asked innocently. "I didn't quite hear that?"

"What?"

"What you just said. Can you say it again a little louder and more clear?"

Grrr, it was hard enough saying the first time! "I said, 'you can at times be a slob!'"

He clucked his tongue. "Well that's not respectful. Sure that's what you want to go with, and the consequences with it, or do you want to tell me something else?"

I was quet, thinking. He loves to torture me with stuff like this! And I didn't want to give him the satisfaction!

"Well?"

Finally I answered, with mock frustration, "I'm trying to think of something else that ends with "ob" but I'm too sick to have my brain work right!"

He laughed. His voice got serious, tender. "Tell me what you said, Sweetie."

I looked in his eyes. "You're doing a good job," I repeated, this time clear. "This isn't about you, and I don't want you to think it is. It's that, even though I know that you're helping me, and I have to for this family to run, I just don't feel ready to go back to everything." And then the real reason hit me. "I don't want to go back to failing all the time."

Jay sighed. "You're not failing, Sweetie. You're actually doing well. And yeah, you'll be messing up for awhile. That's not failing, that's part of learning, breaking old habits. You just have to keep trying your best, and keep trusting in me. And as long as you're doing your best, that's all I ask for."

"Yeah, but this stuff is hard for me to remember right now, and well, other than when I've been sick, you've been so consistent, and I hate that new paddle--"

Jay chuckled. "You don't want to go back to getting spanked all the time, I get it," he said. "I don't blame you. But you know I've got to do my job, which isn't always fun. It's hard on both of us, sometimes, but it's necessary for our family, right? That's why you want this?"

"Yes." "Hard" being the operative word, and so much more on me than on him! Ouch!

He continued to get his point across. "And is what I ask of you unreasonable? Eating by a certain times, for instance, so I can make sure you eat at all, or watching how you respond to me when you don't like something?" (naming two of my biggest infraction areas).

"No, it isn't," I answered truthfully.

"Keeping the house up so it's a good and healthy place for our son to grow up?" (And there's another one!).

"No it isn't unreasonable," I answered.

"Okay then," he said playfully, trying to lighten my spirits, "We're agreed. So Monday we'll get back to everything, but Sunday night I'll start helping your mindset. You can do this, and I'll be happy to help you out when needed."

Gee, thanks?

Guess I'll just try to enjoy my weekend of "freedom" til then. Oh and get lots of rest for the week ahead.