Stubborn Me

Ugh, ugh, and ugh! That's what I have to say about what I did last night!

I almost got away with it, I mean, um, he almost let things go. We were both in agreement, he was tired and didn't want to address it, and I was more than fine with that idea too. He vacillated though, something about how when he lets things slide, I'm always worse the next day. And I convinced him I'd be a perfect angel, enough for him to put the paddle away. Phew.

Until...

We were discussing a party I'm planning to go to tonight, and Jay was being what I saw as too HOH-y. I responded by getting ATTITUDE-y (I'll think up acronym meanings later, I'm pretty sure I can come up with something, ha!). Well, he didn't approve, and told me to roll on over.

It's funny. Struggling friends of mine hear this from me all the time like a mantra. Your attitude determines how he'll respond. Usually HOH's only respond with as much force as they need to make sure the lesson gets through. So if you're contrite, and they see you don't need to be "persuaded", it goes a long way in helping you! It's simple, really!

Anyway, I'm sure my butt sincerely wishes that I would take my own advice more!

The truth is I less than cooperatively complied. My husband responded to my glaring with his usual astuteness, something how what I was doing didn't help my cause. Yeah. Sigh. And then he made sure he emphasized that message thoroughly, as well as addressing what I had done wrong that day (forgetting to eat breakfast).

When it was over, I turned my face away from him and buried it into the pillows. He hasn't allowed that lately though. He told me to look at him, that I shouldn't be hiding from him.

"I don't want to!" I whimpered. "I'm so ashamed!"

"It's over, though," Jay tried to soothe, guiding my eyes to meet his.

"No it's not! It will just happen again! And the stupid thing is, it shouldn't have even had to happen! I almost was a able to g--"

"Check those words before you eat your foot," Jay reminded me, with a bit of a grin.

"'Get mercy from you' is what I was going to say,' I responded, grimacing.

"Uh huh, sure you were," he teased me. Then he got serious. "You know that you having the attitude of what you can get away with doesn't help us."

"Yeah I know," I sighed. "It's just you were going to let it go, and I screwed it up. Why is it that I can't handle you being merciful? What's wrong with me? Why do I always keep sabotaging myself? It's messed up! I'm messed up!"

Jay held me tight. "No, it's just you're stubborn, Sweetie," he observed. "You just can't give in, no matter what I say. Even when you want to give in, your subconscious fights it."

True. It is my middle name. No really, it is. When I was younger, I had a Bible that had the literal meaning of Biblical names. None of that "Blessed of God, Pearl, and "Living Fragrance" stuff they say for baby books. And apparently the Hebrew derivative of my middle name actually means "stubborn." Guess it's prophetic?

"Well that's it, then. Even you see it. I can't do this. I mean, we've been doing this for almost three years! We shouldn't need DD by now! I should be perfect. Why aren't I?"

"Because you're you," Jay said. "And I'm okay with that. But it does mean you might have to deal with us doing DD for the rest of our lives."

I'm sure my look said exactly what I was thinking.

"There are worse fates, Sweetie," Jay said cheerfully. "I can help you think of some to show you things are not that bad, if you'd like."

"No, it's ok," I told my ever imaginative husband. "I can think of some on my own."

"What being forced to test shark repellent, or" he named off a few more particularly imaginative scenarios. In spite of being in pain and upset, I had to laugh. "Do you seriously spend time thinking this stuff up or does it just come to you?"

"Just comes to me," Jay said, playfully trying to knot my hair.

"What I was going to say is that even being resentful of each other is a way worse fate. And I mean it. I don't like getting in trouble so much. And it's discouraging sometimes, especially since we've been doing this so long, and I see my other friends that go weeks without getting in trouble, and I so wish I was like that. But even if we have to do this for the rest of our lives, I guess I can live with it. It's just times like this that it's hard."

"Yeah I know, Sweetie. It's ok," he said, a little too sweetly.

His boyish charm was hard to resist, in spite of myself. I had to respond in kind. "You don't have to pretend to be sympathetic. I know you're fine with us doing DD forever, you spanko!" I half accused.

"Well good, I don't have to lie then. Great thing we have that garage as Little Man gets older, huh?"

Um, yeah. Just fantastic.


Still, I'm hoping I can get a rein on my stubbornness someday.

Maybe during the next decade?