Four Years and Lessons Learned

Yesterday was our DDiversary (this post was supposed to be up yesterday, sorry, lol). But yeah, we've now been living this dynamic for four years. We're now into year five. Crazy. So I guess that makes me almost an expert by now, huh? Maybe not. Nor the most wonderful role model either (don't even ask what's been happening lately, geez!).


In past DD anniversary posts, I've talked about our original reasons for starting our dynamic and the original contract we started with. Then I went through how things used to be and ways I've seen we've grown. Next, how thankful I am for the people in my life, and this community, that have made our journey so much easier, and taught me so much.


Now this time, in honor of celebrating four years, I thought I'd sneak back into Blogland for maybe a couple posts in order to pay things forward, and pass on some of the things I've learned about making DD work in our marriage. So especially all you newbies of this lifestyle, this post is dedicated to you in hopes that you'll learn these or similar useful to you concepts a whole lot quicker than I learned. So without further ado, I'm going to throw on a snazzy teacher outfit, get out a chalkboard if they still make those things (and where did that chalk go, dang it?!), and pretend to be an expert on these matters. For all of you who already know all this because you're so smart, you can just follow along and nod (or let me know if you've discovered better ways, or have stuff to add. we can all teach each other!).

 

Lesson 1: Communication is key, transparency is crucial.
While such an emphasis is based on discipline, to me that's not what this lifestyle is really about. To me, it's about complete trust in each other, a bond that's strengthened by the deep connection we share. It means as much as is possible, there's no secrets between us. Unlike in our pre-DD life, we talk about everything. He's not a mind reader, so he needs to know where I stand to be able to lead with full knowledge of what's going on. If I don't tell him, then it's on me if something isn't right. I need to know where he stands as well, so same thing, no more resentment. He trusts me to tell him the truth, even if it means certain doom, for the good of our marriage. And I trust him to lead the way he sees, not necessarily how I think he should. Ugh, sometimes situations come up that I seriously need to remind myself of that, but deep down, I know he's earned that.

The bottom line is that this lifestyle requires complete vulnerability in relating. It's letting down the walls, trusting in each other. You can just do the discipline aspect, I suppose, and still just play the "you're supposed to read my mind" game, and keep secrets from each other, but if you do so, you're missing out on how amazing things really can be.




Lesson 2: Don't negatively compare your relationship to other couples. 
Stop doing it. Right now. Instead, tailor your dynamic to fit your own uniqueness, and celebrate your strengths rather than focusing on what may be lacking. This is a huge soapbox issue with me by the way, because I've seen so many hurt by this, particularly HOH's trying to lead, but that get so overwhelmed by all the ways they are apparently failing that they either get resentful or give up, and I've even seen DD fail numerous times because of this issue. Comparing not only can give a skewed picture and hurt you, but also can be incredibly unfair to your partner. It's ok to learn from how other couples do things. But there's also a difference between positive criticism and the "why can't we be like them" dehabilitating negative criticism that can so easily destroy a relationship. First of all, you may not have the whole picture. Most of the time in this community, you're only seeing what one partner in the relationship has portrayed. As honest as they may be, their one perspective is not a fair way to be able to judge their relationship accurately. Plus, there are so many factors that make no two couples exactly alike. There's your personal histories, and your history together, both things which are completely unique to you, and all of that definitely affects the present. For instance, abuse in one's childhood can affect how one views the world or their responses in the moment, especially in the vulnerability that this dynamic requires. Past relationships too can affect how one sees their partner, fair or unfair. Then too, say if one person constantly sabotaged the relationship pre-dynamic, then that couple's lifestyle is going to have differences from the couple that has always gotten along fabulously. Furthermore, there's health concerns and emotional issues that often need to be taken into account. There's disabilities and differences in methods of learning. There's pain threshold differences, and differences in comfort levels with different activities. Obviously there's particular issues that need to be addressed that differ from couple to couple. And the big one that's often forgotten, personality!


As far as my part in this, I'll admit it. I'm not without guilt about comparing myself to others either. And every time I do it, it can leave me feeling so discouraged. But yeah, it's hard not to do. I look at other wives who seem to find it their absolute joy to submit. Their HOH says something, and OMG, that's so sexy, he's so dominant. Me, well, let's just say that something my husband just said all authoritatively, is like a red cape to a bull. It takes everything within me to swallow my pride and do it. Or not do exactly what he told me not to do, just because he said it! And it's not because I respect him any less, which is what I've come to understand. It's not because this dynamic isn't important enough to me. I may not always appreciate it in the moment, but I wouldn't live any other way. The struggle is more than worth all the benefits. It's just that I'm extremely competitive and extremely stubborn. While I do know this lifestyle is not a game, it's hard to remember that in the moment. Because even though I see clearly later on, in the moment my pride is challenged, submitting is losing. I don't like to lose. It's a personality thing, and not something discipline just makes go away. I've had to come to terms with that part of myself, and how to deal when I don't think things through. I also have to keep reminding myself even after all this time because otherwise I'll be frustrated at myself a lot more than I can handle. It's not an excuse to stop striving, because, while I do have the personality I have, I can always choose not to give into my feelings of the moment. I make the right choice more and more. However, I don't think it's ever not going to be a struggle. I don't think I'll ever lose that competitive part of me. That's just who I am. Adding further to that, is my husband's personality. He's as competitive as I am, if not more. And he can't help at times playfully rubbing my face in my role a bit versus his (okay sometimes a lot!). Not to say we don't have a line, because we definitely do. We have a very definite reason why we do this lifestyle, and no matter how competitive we are, that part is not in any way a game. During discipline, and after when we talk completely honestly, it's very serious. But day to day, our personalities definitely affect how we interact. Things aren't always black and white for us as they may be for others. I can say things without repercussion that may not be normally allowed in a lot of relationships. And then again, things can turn rather suddenly. It can be frustrating when I think we're playfully sparring, and then I find that I've crossed that line into disrespect. I've had to learn where that line is over the years, and I'm not always good about choosing to not cross it in the moment, especially when I feel goaded by my teasing husband. But aside from the forbidden, there are definitely lots of allowed ways to hold my own. He not only expects it, he encourages it. I used to wonder if this whole sparring part of our relationship was bad, maybe even counterproductive to what our dynamic should be. But now I see it keeps things from getting too intense for us. Without that aspect, I'd feel too defeated (especially yes, with how much I get in trouble), and for his part, he'd feel too overwhelmed to handle the seriousness of this dynamic. The playfulness we maintain in our relationship makes him actually enjoy being an HOH, instead of seeing it as a grueling chore, like he kind of used to. So rather than seeing this as a flaw, I now view it as an asset for our unique way, regardless of whether it would work for anyone else. I encourage you to find the strengths in what makes you unique, why it works for you, too.

Lesson 3: It's not just about you and your immediate needs.
Ouch, yep, I said it. Another soapbox issue of mine. Because it's a major issue within this dynamic that can spell failure or success. For many of us, DD is a need, for many even a last thread of hope after years of frustration. Once we see how much things could be better, it's easy to want that so badly, we don't want to be patient, we don't want to go back to the way things were, even slightly.


The problem is is that there's two people involved in this dynamic. And that other person's needs are just as important. This lesson took me a while to learn, I'll admit. I guess I always figured it was a lot harder to be the receiving end of the paddle. It's painful, humbling, all sorts of ugh. It would be great to be the HOH, wouldn't it? To be the one to call the shots, get out some aggression even, ha! But what I've learned through the years is that my husband has a way harder role than mine, as much as I hate to acknowledge it at times. Hardly any guy drops into the HOH role naturally. There's a long learning curve for most, as they learn to feel comfortable in the role. Meanwhile they many times have a wife that knows exactly how things should go, and they find that every time they try to lead they're doing it wrong, which is discouraging and can even feel emasculating. Then there's resentment that builds on both sides, and the result can be disaster.

Jay was no exception, as far as having that long learning curve, and I admit, rather than being mad at him about his inconsistency, I often took advantage of it. I knew a lot of times I'd get away with things, and yeah, I totally treated it like it was a game. Nor did I show my husband respect as a leader until I had to. I saw him as a paper tiger, which of course did not make his role easier at all. But there were definite reasons why that learning curve was hard that I wish I would have realized back then and been more sensitive to. Jay came from a rough past, and there's sensitive things that he doesn't want to go back to that are brought up by this dynamic, that he had to come to terms with. Then there's the fact that he loves me more than anything. So when I look at him like he's the enemy, it's hard for him. He doesn't like to be the bad guy. And he definitely has a tightrope to cross in knowing how to react in each situation, how best to lead, especially when I fight him so much. Or when he doesn't want to discourage me beyond what I can take, reading when's the right time to show mercy, and on the other hand when he should stay firm. It's tough, and I'll admit it, I'm quite a handful. He's had to reconcile all this through time. Not to mention, there's been times when he's been dealing with a ton of stuff from all directions, besides me. He's tired, and sometimes he's the one that needs comfort, needs to somehow destress, as one of my favorite speakers, Mark Gungor says, go into his "nothing box" and recover. The last thing he may want to do is deal with doling out pain to a stubborn wife who won't exactly be appreciative at the time of what he's trying to do. To have to not only be the strong one, but yes, the enemy too. It's too overwhelming. So he decides not to face it, just for that day. And maybe then the next night too because it made the night before so much easier. And so on. So there it is, the word we all know, inconsistency. It used to be maddening from my perspective when I'd never know when I was in trouble, where the fence truly was. I don't mind knowing he's choosing to let something go, I'll admit, but the not knowing would drive me bananas. It would cause me to spiral, until he'd finally blow up like a volcano, and the punishment would be serious. And the resentment too. Why couldn't I just do what I'm supposed to do out of basic respect anyway? I had no good answer for that question. I just knew I felt defeated.

Until I realized how hard things are for him sometimes. Until I realized there was a reason he was struggling with his role, and rather than me criticizing or taking advantage, I needed to try to find out how I could support him. What he felt he needed. So now I straight out ask. The answer is sometimes, "I just need you to sit beside me. I've had a hard day." Or, "I'm stressed, it's not you, but I don't want to talk about it. Just please scratch my back, and help me feel better." Or even, "I feel completely disrespected and disregarded by you, and I don't feel I can even go there right now. We'll talk about it later, but I need time." And I try to respect where he's at. I still take advantage of inconsistency way more than I should, and I don't always make the mature decision. But I also understand a lot more than I used to. I make sure now he knows I support whatever decision he makes. Even if in the moment I can't show my appreciation always, I come back later and try to validate him. I make sure he knows I respect him, and that I'll try better to show it. I ask him where he thinks we stand, and I encourage him to tell me if he's ever feeling resentful, or he needs something from me that I don't realize. Don't forget, your HOH may be your knight in shining armor, but he's also very human. And his needs are as real as yours.

So what happens though when you really really need his help, or if you're just starting out, you want to speed up the learning curve, while still being sensitive to his needs? Funny you should ask that...

I've actually got a lot of tactics that I've learned that can be effective. especially when used together. But this post is long enough already, and pregnancy fatigue is making it hard to even type, I seriously need to go nap while I don't have a three year old demanding my every second, and my daughter is actually asleep and not treating my sore insides like a workout gym/boxing ring for once.







So I'll continue the last things in another post. And yes, I promise it won't take me a couple months to put it up. :P