She's Here! (And He's Back!)

Hi Everyone! So I meant to come on here like more than a month ago and tell everyone that my little girl is here but it just didn't quite happen. But she is, she's doing well, and she's quite the cutie. My little mini-me has my eyes, eyes that have been thoughtfully gazing at me the last half an hour as if to say, "That's so cute how you think I'm actually going to sleep tonight!" We haven't decided if she's a little angel or little hellion. Either way though, she's my precious dream come true, I can't believe God gave her to me, and I try to keep that in mind when I'm most frustrated and tired.


I won't lie; the last five weeks of been pretty rough. In many ways we feel like we're first-time parents because she's definitely different than our son was and we feel we have no idea what we're doing. And then in addition our son has become extremely needy and rebellious. Not unexpected but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Needing constant attention, he's like a human barnacle. A noisy entitled human barnacle. Meanwhile my daughter will hardly ever let me put her down. All the methods and things I have to try to soothe and keep her entertained doesn't work. Not even a moby wrap works on her most of the time, not the awesome swing I got, not any of the other stuff either.
So I'm trying to learn to give my children both what they need. So far I think I've been doing a good job even if it's been frustrating. And even if nothing else has been getting done.


The problem is though that life goes on. Life doesn't wait for you to adjust. And that's the tough part.


I got some incredibly bad news yesterday (is it considered yesterday even though I haven't been to sleep yet?) of something I was unable to prevent from happening because I was preoccupied with our children and recovering.  I thought up until now I was doing pretty good at avoiding postpartum depression. I have so much to be thankful for, after all. But now after my earlier meltdown I realize I'm just one disaster away from losing it from stress. I don't think that's exactly the same as PPD, but I know also it can quickly develop into that.


Enter my knight of a husband, here to rescue his damsel in distress. Um...yay? He thinks I've been starting to spiral and require his assistance. Nope, he doesn't agree about lots of chocolate and spa days and maybe a kitten being the answer. Yep, he wants give that kind of assistance. Ugh and arrghhh. Up until now Jay the HOH has been gone. Jay the Lenient has been here and it's been nice.  My sweet husband's been trying to cut me some slack so I didn't get too stressed. Now though Mr. HOH-y is back. Jay told me that he thinks it was a mistake to wait to return to our dynamic as long as he did. That structure will help get me in a better frame of mind. And he let me know that getting me back to where I'm supposed to be will be the project he focuses on for awhile. Someone please get this guy a hobby!


Okay, I don't know what to think honestly. I guess if it works to keep me grounded I'll be grateful. It's worked before, as much as it makes me gag to admit it. But I'm still not looking forward to it. I don't even know how to get reused to spankings all the time. They hurt so badly, how did I take them before? And what's submission again anyway? I can't remember! It's going to be a hard transition back (both meanings), and it starts tomorrow. Or I guess that's today. Jay says to expect that he'll be strict but fair. And consistent. He expects me to probably have to call me to account every day for awhile while I get used to all the rules again. I'm pretty sure that's true. Especially since in the moment I seem to forget that the rules aren't multiple choice. I've been enjoying my lack of accountability a little too much too, so I've got to get rid of some bad coping mechanisms in a hurry. And because I'm still working out balancing all my responsibilities. My once again HOH-y husband says while he'll definitely take adjusting difficulties under consideration, and he knows it will take awhile, he needs to enforce boundaries. "Think of it as maintenance in the meantime so you just see it as a help."


Okay then.


But I don't have to like it.


What I do like is that my daughter finally fell asleep. So guess I'll hold off thinking about this til later.

Sleep is a beautiful thing.