Thinking About Christmas

Okay, right about now, I have to fix my attitude, and FAST. So I'm working through this as a kind of pep talk to myself.

I love Christmas. Really, I do. From Thanksgiving night until well after the actual day, I try to celebrate every single second. I sing every Christmas song. I watch every Christmas movie. I get lost in the wonder of it all like a little kid at Disneyland (or me at Disneyland, for that matter!). I'm all smiley and excited.

Well yeah, that's how it starts out anyway.

The sad thing is, in spite of my best efforts, sometimes this joyous season begins to turn into something else.Things around the holidays get stressful. But to add to that, I've been working, and it's been hard. It's been hard too, because of adjusting to Jay's new shift. I have to admit, I've not made it easier. Then there's all my expectations for my son's first Christmas, contrasted with Jay's attitude about all of it, since he doesn't share my enthusiasm about the holidays. In fact, he'd probably be considered more on the Grinchy end of the scale.

Not that he hasn't tried. He drove two hours to take us to a one of the most amazing Christmas towns in the country. It was incredible, like stepping inside a snow globe, or a Norman Rockwell painting...for the brief hour and a half that we were there before he wanted to leave. He also found us a Christmas tree, driving several places before finding one. Embracing Christmas is not easy for Jay. It brings back the worst memories of his life. He does it for us. And I, with my perfectionist ways, and tendency to stress out, well, I forget that sometimes.

"Honey, you cut too much off the top of the Christmas tree! We've got to trim some branches near the top! You know, it's supposed to be shaped like a cone; it's a Christmas tree, not a Christmas bush!"

"Didn't I warn you? Go to the room NOW!"

"Fine!" Stomp, stomp, stomp. Grrrr!

Then there's the losing it when things just don't go right. Dealing with his family. Him dealing with mine. Dealing with the loss of my dad, which has changed everything for me, and which just hurts around the holidays. And things unexpected. I mean, how can our son be afraid of a Christmas tree? Geez! And feeling stressed about feeling stressed! I mean, I'm supposed to be filled with the joy of the season, and dang it, why do I keep messing everything up when my husband is trying so hard to give us a Christmas? Which just seems to make me mess up more! Geez!

Taking out the DD aspect, (lots of getting "the look" and " 'are you WANTING a spanking?' "), the season instead, for not only me, but so many, sometimes turns into more like what is somewhat humorously described by a local artist, Bob Rivers in his parody, "The Twelve Pains of Christmas":

The thing is, if I don't want this holiday to pass me by (and if I want to keep the ability to sit down), sooner or later, I just have to stop, and figure out how to get back to that Christmas wonder. I have to remember to not get so wrapped up in the stress of everything that I forget what this holiday is really about.

So what is it about to me? Well, there's the gratefulness of being able to spend this with people I love the most, my husband and child. I still miss my dad, I still have to deal with Jay's family, which is in no way a happy prospect, but I do have my husband, and I have my son. Things may not be perfect, but they don't have to be. Because I have so much more than others do, if I take the time to appreciate it. There are so many who are lonely at Christmas, and who don't know the kind of love that my husband and I share. So many who are on the streets right now, in the cold, struggling to survive or believe in any hope. More suicides occur at Christmas than any other time. When you stop to think about things like that, suddenly, those things that seemed important, aren't all that life or death.

More than all of this, (and because it's my blog, I'm going to say it, teehee!), Christmas to me, isn't about me. It's not even about the magic that I immerse myself in once a year, or whether things are going right. And though I'm grateful, it's not even about who I get to spend this holiday with. Christmas would still be Christmas if I had nothing and no one. Because to me, it's about celebrating a gift that was given long ago, that both changed history forever, and more personally, my life. Should I really be celebrating a birthday, while ignoring who I'm celebrating? I don't think so. So yeah, I'm trying to once again get the focus off myself, and back to where my focus should be. I'm trying to get back to the wonder of Christmas. As a way to do that, I want to share a song that came out a few years ago now, but that has been helping me lately remember to look beyond all the petty things, the problems, and the stresses, and once again, get lost in that wonder. To remember why I celebrate Christmas. It's called "How Many Kings" from a group called Downhere. The lyrics are also below:

DOWNHERE LYRICS – How Many Kings
Follow the star to a place unexpected
Would you believe after all we’ve projected
A child in a manger
Lowly and small, the weakest of all
Unlikeliness hero, wrapped in his mothers shawl
Just a child
Is this who we’ve waited for?
Cause how many kings, stepped down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
How many Gods have poured out their hearts
To romance a world that has torn all apart?
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?
Bringing our gifts for the newborn savior
All that we have whether costly or meek
Because we believe
Gold for his honor and frankincense for his pleasure
And myrrh for the cross he’ll suffer
Do you believe, is this who we’ve waited for?
It’s who we’ve waited for
How many kings, stepped down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
How many Gods have poured out their hearts
To romance a world that has torn all apart?
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?
Only one did that for me
All for me
All for you
All for me
All for you

Enjoy the Christmas,season, everyone! :D