How NOT to Deal With It

What's the "it" I'm referring to? Well, one of the best gifts an HOH can give his wife, in my spank-no opinion. What?! No, not an implement, crazy person! I said in my SPANK-NO opinion! That's right, he gave me a break. Blessed freedom!!! A break from spankings, a break from discipline, a break from lectures, a break from rules, and having to listen all the time and be respectful...oh wait. That last part wasn't included? Hmmm, I could have sworn it was! Isn't that what break means? Yeah, you guessed it...

Apparently not.

But let me back up, because I'm sure you're confused. I know breaks usually happen because something within DD needs to be fixed. The wife may pull the consent card. But in this situation, I had nothing to do with it. This was Jay's decision as HOH. (Yeah, I can hear some of your envy! I have a husband that gives me breaks?! Yeah, I know I'm lucky!) But really, there was definitely a reason behind this. The amount of stress we've been under has been horrendous (thus the reason I'm only in blogland once in a blue moon now). Oh, just to clarify, the word "horrendous" can be considered an understatement.

And that was before we received the sobering news that Jay's job was in jeopardy, pending an investigation. We had to wait a week until we would find out. A couple days before our house was scheduled to close. I will honestly never forget the night we found out all this. It will remain vividly in my memory, just like all of those super stressful events that we've had to support each other, that God has gotten us through. Just like those other times, I struggled to hold it together for his sake, and miserably failed, finally crying my eyes out, while he held me. One thing I've learned from all this, is just how difficult his role as HOH really is. I don't want the responsibility that he shoulders. As we were lying in bed the night we found out, me wiping away tears, him comforting me, I thanked him for what he does. "Remind me of this moment when I complain next," I told him. "I know you work hard for this family, and I can't imagine you're under right now, and still you're taking care of us. I think I understand more how difficult your role really is, and I've sorry if I've minimized it, just because you're not the one that has to be spanked all the time."

"Oh Sweetie, you have no idea," Jay told me with rare raw emotion. "Some days there's perks, yeah, but some days it's really hard, and some days it feels downright near impossible. And you think I don't feel like I'm losing it as much as you do? And yet I have to not think about that, I have to keep it together, I have to protect you and Little Man. I'm responsible for the well-being of our family. To make difficult decisions when I don't want to. To be strong when I don't want to. And to do what it takes to take care of us.

"Which is why right now I'm making the decision the take DD of the table. I'm too stressed out right now, Kay, and I don't want that stress to cause me to swing harder than I should. You know I'm strong, and I won't ever discipline you unless I feel like I'm in control, for your protection. I don't feel in control right now, I don't want to hurt you, and so I just don't think spanking is the best idea for either of us right now."

"Okay," I said, not knowing what else to say. His voice was so vulnerable and full of pain.

"I'm going to continue doing what I need to do to take care of this family, the best that I can. And even though we're not doing DD right now, I need you to continue doing the best that you can to keep up the house and take care of Little J, okay?"

"Okay," I whispered again.

That night, I resolved to do everything in my power to do my part. I'd cook (probably should write a post on that, alone, that should entertain you!) and of course I'd keep up the house. I'd take care of all the paperwork for our new house, and all the requirements and hurdles, so Jay could be less stressed. Other than celebrating our break from DD by doing a few minor things I normally wouldn't be able to, I'd rise to the task just like he did. He needed me right now, and I would be there! (Cue superhero music).

We got through two days, almost. For those couple days, we treaded water, and we did our best to be there for each other. But then things sort of fell apart. I feel the need to sigh, because I don't understand myself sometimes. I did keep up the house that week (pretty much). I kept Little J happy, I did the paperwork I needed to do to the best of my ability, and I even cooked. I'm proud to tell you that part. No so proud to tell you the rest. I can blame it on stress, I suppose. When I get stressed, I become like a little kid. I become a brat (not to be confused with bratting, no matter what my husband thinks!). I act out and I fight him. Everything he says, actually. Not attacking him in full-out anger, exactly, unless I'm so on edge I feel like I can't deal with it anymore. But yeah, refusing to do what he says, or dragging my feet to do it. Oh, and I also admit I become a teensy sarcastic. A little more creative with my comebacks than usual, and a little bolder in actually voicing them. Particularly when consequences are removed! I suppose it makes me feel like I still have some level of control in this uncontrollable situation. I can probably dust off my college textbooks and find something in there about maladaptive coping strategies, or defense mechanisms like displacement. But no matter the reason, or what my rationalizations are, Jay doesn't deserve it. And I fully know that. Which, by the way, makes me feel even more stressed. Because now on top of everything else, I'm not being there for him like I should be. And roll, roll, roll goes the snowball down the hill. Ugh!

So yeah, fences down, no consequences for anything. Stressed out, and wanting to fight. Combine all that. What'd you get? Trouble? Yeah. I think Jay had had enough when that night I boldly shot him a "whatever".  Can't say I was not ecstatic to break that rule! (Several times).

"Okay that it," my husband told me. "Lay down." As we were getting in bed to go to sleep, I was happy to comply. Then, "On your stomach," he clarified in that HOH-y tone I was not missing hearing.

I turned to him in surprise. "But we're on a break!" I protested.

"Just because we're on a break, doesn't mean you can blatantly break the rules, Kay! I've listened to you for two days treat me with disrespect, fight me with every turn, and even blatantly disobey me! You're obviously asking to be spanked, so I'm happy to do that for you."

"I am not!" I protested. "I just thought I didn't have rules anymore!"

"So that's the argument you're choosing to go with? That you're deliberately breaking the rules just because you can? In essence, taunting me?"

Whoa, not a good road for him to be going down! "NO, no no! I'm not taunting! I was just, um, enjoying my freedom!" My ex-freedom?

"So what? You're just going to backslide on everything we've been working on, and blatantly do the opposite? Geez, why does he love that word "blatantly" so much? Then his next words cut me to the heart. "Do you think I need that right now? Do you think we as a couple and a family need that right now?"

I sighed. "No," I said softly. I had to admit he was right, but still, I didn't want to be spanked over it!  "But you said you're not spanking because you don't feel in control right now!" I stalled.

"I'm totally in control right now, and I need to address this. You need to lay down, Kay. It won't be a lot, it's just a reminder, but you are going to take it. As unfortunately it appears you need it."

I did as I was told, and he did what he had to do. Just a couple hard swats, but ugh!

Afterward, as he held me, he relaid down the ground rules. "Yes," he affirmed, "Even though I'm better in control at this point, I still want to put things on a break right now, we're going through enough. I was hoping I didn't have to go here, but I guess I do. I'm letting you know: I am still going to spank if I see it's a deliberate effort on your part to break the rules, do you understand?"

So yeah. We were on break...sorta. And again, I tried to do what I was supposed to. Really I did. But we soon found ourselves back to square one. Not with saying "whatever", but definitely respect. And instant obedience. And after that, yet again. Sheesh! I really feel bad about this, by the way. It's actually even hard to write about. I'm not really sure why I act out so much when I'm stressed. Why do I place that stress on Jay, when it's the LAST thing I want to do. And yet, still I find myself doing it! Do I need a brain lobotomy? Is that why? Arrrghhh!

So anyway, yeah. If your husband ever decides to give you a break from DD, DON'T use me as a role model. Treasure it as a gift, just not too much (it's best to pretend it doesn't exist even, if you're like me). Otherwise it's not likely to be around long! No freedom for me, anymore! Apparently I can't handle the fences being down. And Jay finally had to cancel the break idea. Completely. After less than a week.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like not to have that internal struggle all the time! To be able to have a goal and not have to fight myself to reach it! I do hate spankings but that pales in comparison to my greatest fear. My greatest fear is that we will turn on each other in resentment. Jay has promised he won't let that happen. And we do DD largely to guard against that happening! But in times of stress, when I find myself feeling so out of control, that fear sometimes comes back. And Jay reminds me yet again, we're in this together. But I still want to get beyond the point where I don't do stuff like that! It should be exactly the opposite, ya know?

I should say that since then, after a week of nail biting waiting, he was vindicated at work. More stressful things have happened with the house, and with a whole lot of other things. We're still struggling to hold on (and I'm struggling to stay out of trouble, again, ugh). But we're getting through...with God's help, and each other's support. We didn't do too well this morning, for instance. But we didn't let things stay that way. So I guess, even though I mucked up this break thing, things could be a lot worse. :)