Turning Point (Again)

So I should've written this post a week ago, but with my son recovering from croup so bad it turned life-threatening, dealing with the crazy buying a house process, and all the other stress we're under, posts might be way delayed. This one, though, I wanted to make sure I wrote, no matter how long it's been, because the whole thing was very important, and I need to make sure I remember it.

DD hadn't been going well, to put it simply. And when things aren't going the way they're supposed to, sometimes we need to step back and see if things need...tweaking. It happens, sometimes. This time, I admit a lot of it was my fault. I had come back from being gone a couple of weeks, still high from the feeling of no responsibilities. I have to admit I wasn't feeling like going back to DD or submitting at all! It was nice to not have all those pesky rules to worry about! So when I came back, I had to test the boundaries to see if things, maybe just maybe, had changed. If maybe I could just keep not obeying the rules. Nothing big, just a bunch of eye rolls, and maybe not doing things immediately (or at all). Just little things like that. And you know what I discovered? I could get away with it most of the time! Ha! So yeah, not a good attitude to have, kind of a recipe for disaster.

But the deal was that Jay has been tired and stressed and most of the time, he let things go. Now that would've been all well and good except he has remained very HOHy in the way he talks. So yeah, he made a lot of threats of my coming doom, and sometimes I believed him. I'd get nervous, even agitated, believing that this time he'd follow through...tomorrow, or in a couple of days, anyway. Always on edge wondering when.

I guess I should mention that delayed punishment drives me crazy. At least it used to (now it only does sometimes). I mean, it was BAD, though. I couldn't focus on anything else, except what would soon be happening. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't think. And never knowing when was torture. So, being the problem solver I am, I developed a way to deal with it. I adopted a handy-dandy defense mechanism. What is it, you ask? It's simple, really. I just turn off caring. I live in the moment, completely. Hakuna Matata. In fact, a lot of times I don't think about a consequence until its actually happening. It's great, living worry-free and all that. The eensy weensy problem with this though, is that when I'm in that mode, punishments don't really deter all that well. 'Cause I'm not thinking about the future, even as near as it may be. Oh and there's an absolutely fun attitude that comes with such a way of thinking. Well, fun for me. Understandably frustrating for Jay, though.

Adding to all this, a lot of times, like more often than not, Jay would end up not following through at all. So during the times I would be lectured and told what my consequence would be, I'd struggle not to roll my eyes and laugh (don't do that, by the way, not the brightest thing to do), as I listened to his empty threats.

My friends would ask if I'm in trouble, and I always had to shrug and say, "not sure, guess I'll find out later, probably not" and that was usually how it went. Que sera, sera, ya know?

Well for a DD wife that hates spanking all this may look great on the surface, even to me. I mean, who's really in control? I am, of course! Which is a great position to be in! The competitive part of me loves that winning feeling! And hey, less spankings? Cool with me!

But then I began to notice the other effects, and they were far from positive. Biggest of all, was the resentment that was developing on both sides. Jay was upset that I just didn't seem to care about listening anymore. He was frustrated, and that frustration was manifesting in him being less invested in the discipline aspect (except to still talk a big game). He had enough stress without the whole punishing ordeal, and he just didn't understand why I couldn't just do what I'm supposed to because I love him. To him, I completely regressed since I got back, and he just didn't know what to do to handle it. So instead of dealing with it as an HOH, he went back to old patterns of holding it in, and...holding it against me. Never good, by the way.

I guess I should take a few minutes to speak to the HOH's reading my blog, because if your partner is anything like me, maybe I can help you understand something. My husband wonders why I just can't do things because it benefits our family, and sometimes I wonder the same. And he's right, I should be that mature. If I could find a halo that would just stay affixed to my head, I probably would be able to! But seriously, if it were that easy, I wouldn't need the boundaries DD gives! For those who are like me, whether spanko or spank-no, we like to know where the fence is. There's a security there. Mass of confusion = bad. So just to let you know, we're going to search for that fence! And FYI, guys, just because you say the fence is somewhere doesn't mean jack. It should, yes. But again, some of us are not strong enough to think that way in the face of something bright and shiny daring us to step further than you say, when nothing most likely will happen.
Much like when pretty much anyone sees a posted speed limit sign, we don't actually see the 60 or 40 posted there when determining how fast to go. We see, say, 69 or 44, depending on what area and how strictly the law is upheld, and we keep within that boundary. The line for speeding is not based on what's posted, but instead on how much we can break the law without getting pulled over. Make sense? And it works the same way for us, whether on a conscious or often subconscious level. So if you want it to be a rule, make sure it's enforced as a rule. Empty threats don't work, nor do ones meant for shock value to motivate. We know our husbands too well to know when there's a good chance you won't back it up, and it sometimes produces the opposite effect, at least with me, since empty threats make me attitudey. I think it's because in my case it feels like an insult to my intelligence, and sometimes too, I resent being made to feel all agitated when I don't have to be. So yeah, consistency, though we may hate it in the short run, is important for the long run. Not saying there can't be mercy and leniency, though. Those have their place too. But there is a big difference between a specific situation where mercy or leniency is used (it can be very effective, by the way), and a haphazard not following through. And we do know the difference! Just my two cents on the subject.

Okay, getting back to what was going on in our situation: while Jay was responding the way he was, I, on the other hand, was seeing my husband go through massive stress, made worse by me, and wanted to help. But this defense mechanism I'd developed got in the way, and combined with my resentment that things had changed between us, and the confusion that now surrounded our roles, I couldn't do what I wanted to do, even when I tried to. Which made me feel low and more stressed, and even more like giving up. Which made him feel even more resentful and defeated.  Thus the vicious cycle continued.

I knew we desperately needed to talk and either take a break from DD, or fix what was wrong.

This produced a conundrum for me though. You see, you have a talk about a little more consistency with someone like my husband, and you know what's likely the result? Stinkin way more than you would ever want consistency! I know this from experience!

And did I really want to give up my control? Couldn't I just be happy with the way things were? I mean, it's great having control, right? Did I really want to go back to spankings every freakin time I didn't listen just so we could get rid of that stupid resentment?

And I realized something. I had begun to treat DD like a game. A game where I gave him power then saw it as my challenge to figure out every possible way to prove I really had the power. To see if I could succeed at one-upping him.

Which is just the way we used to live, competing for control. And I'll toot my own horn--I was good at it! But the thing is, we started doing DD to get away from the resentment present from living under that kind of relationship. And now the same thing was happening? I had to do some hard thinking and ask, then what's the point of DD? Where's the benefit, and therefore, why should I be submitting or taking spankings at all? I realized I could leave things the way they were and continue playing this stupid game where I submitted when it suited me, or I could grow up and collaborate with my husband at finding a solution, even if it meant I'd hate it in the short run.

Having that talk was super hard. I couldn't talk face to face, it was just too difficult to be that honest. So I let him relax in bed, and as it happened to be pretty cold that night in the room, I huddled on the floor for a few minutes in front of the heater. Perfect excuse, hee hee! I poured out my heart, and we talked. Well, I mainly talked and he mainly listened. After, he addressed an issue via paddle, and then we did some...um, bonding time. But I didn't feel into it. I felt like we'd exposed the problem, but did nothing to figure out a solution.

So Jay took me in his arms and asked what was still wrong. Then, face to face this time, we discussed it. He came up with a idea that while effective, would also be pretty sucky for me in the discipline department! So I wheeled and dealed, and we compromised, til we ended up with a plan that was manageable for him to do in spite of the stress we were under, and that I could agree, though still sucky, was fair and would work. So yeah, new way of doing things now. I don't like the increased discipline while it's happening, nor not being able to win, and having to submit all the time or else, but honestly, to be in this better place, I'd trade all of that for this any day.

Because we're a team once more. The resentment for both of us is gone, and with it, my decidedly unsubmissive attitude. Well, for the most part. Apparently, according to my husband, we've got a ways to go before I'm back to where I'm supposed to be. But we definitely both agree we're on the up and up. And just to make sure that continues, he did even more tweaking of things this week. Apparently, even if motivation from my newfound change of thinking doesn't work, a new evil implement will...ugh!

But that's for another post. This one's way too long already. ;)