Birthday Fun (Well Not Really)

This is it. I'm done misbehaving. I'm done with being in trouble all the time. I'm done with always sticking a polished toe across the line, (or saying to heck with it, and just leaping across). Starting today, I'm going to become a perfect angel.

Why are you all laughing hysterically? I'm serious!

I'm taking off the little horns Jay is so accustomed to seeing me wearing, and putting on this pretty halo. Isn't it sparkly, looking all like new? What?? No, that's not from lack of use! I polished it to get it looking like that, I'll have you know! And right now, for your further information, I'm rummaging around looking for an extra strong adhesive so I can make sure the dang thing stays affixed to my head...

This post could also be titled, "The Bed I Made For Myself And Now What I'm Having To Lie In Because of It" but I figured that was a little long. I will say that a lot has happened in the past few days. More than will fit in one post, so this is the first part. As has been a few other times in the past, once again a turning point happens in our dynamic when I have an opportunity to do the right thing without consequences being enforced, and handle the temptation oh so badly. Big, big oops...

You know how our friend Stormy wrote about One Good Bad Day? Well Saturday for me was a little different: it was one bad, bad day. It was a day I had a free pass, and I knew it. He didn't want me to know it, but I did. And I took advantage of it. Saturday was my birthday. It wasn't just a carpe diem, "rules are gone, so I'll take full advantage" thing though. Well, to be honest, there definitely was some of that. But it was also a tough day. I'm actually still processing through what happened for purposes of handling things better in the future. So bear with me as I figure all that out as I go and kind of take you along for the ride, okay?

I know since I'm an adult, birthdays aren't supposed to be all that big a deal anymore. But I've lived for my birthday ever since I was small, and it's hard to turn that off now. It's not very often my birthday falls on a weekend, too, so I admit, I was looking forward to it. We were actually supposed to go to my brother's, and that would have been great. But we had found out a week before that that wasn't going to work out. And since we bought the house, I knew not to expect much. And I don't care. One of my love languages may be gifts, but it means just as much to me if he went out and picked me flowers from the yard, than if he bought them, probably more even. And I don't know, I just wanted my birthday to be kind of special, to be treated like a princess. Just little ways, you know? Sweet things that a guy does to make his girl feel special, nothing big.

Jay's a wonderful guy, but he's still learning the art of this. With his past, it's no wonder it's been so difficult for him to grasp the concept. There's also a vulnerability that is hard to him to embrace. And it's hard for me to teach him. He feels weird doing it, and I feel weird asking him to do things like go pick me flowers, or say what I mean to him, or an action that means something. He's getting better, so much better, he shocks me sometimes with his sweetness. But when he's stressed, it's harder for him. So yeah, he was kind of lost on how to show me anything on my birthday. But you know, he really did try.

I didn't appreciate it though. I'm not proud of how I acted at all. I was focused on what I didn't have, instead of what I did. I was snarky and in a bad mood the majority of the day. And the fact that I felt that way, when I knew he was clueless and trying, made me feel horrible, and even more snarky as a result. Does that make any sense? Then there was also that I was receiving my monthly gift from Mother Nature at the time, which no doubt also contributed. Always a joy, this time of the month.

Well, Jay took it in stride for awhile. And boy was I on a roll! You would have thought I was going for a record, of how many times I could get away with breaking a rule! Why is it when you're in a bad mood, breaking the rules brings such a feeling of glee and evil satisfaction? And to be able to do it again and again? WOW!! What a rush! (Yeah, I know, I know, shut up!).

Well, finally, it was the don't-even-ask-how-many time of rolling my eyes and me saying the evil w word (Note: I'm not even allowed to write that word this week as a consequence of how many times I used it that day. If you're not familiar with the word that's been the bane of my DD existence, that Jay apparently is now actively trying to banish from my vocabulary, see this post and/or this post). So anyway, yeah, my husband had had enough. He finally turned to me, exasperated. "Okay, that's it,"  Jay began, sternly. "You know since it's your birthday today I'm trying really hard to ignore when you've been doing that, and your bad attitude today. I know you're having a hard day. I wish I was better at this, I really do. I'm taking all that into consideration, but geez, Kay! You're doing this again and again, and in spite of my best efforts, I'm seriously starting to get really agitated! I know that you're under the mistaken impression that you can do whatever you feel like today. But why you want to is what I don't get. You know I hate it, I can't even tell you how much I hate it! And I don't understand why you think that I deserve that!"

His expression cut me to the core. I realized this wasn't just about breaking a rule or expressing frustration, but actually hurting the person I loved most in the world by how I was acting. "No! I don't want to, I don't think you deserve it! Jay, I'm really sorry," I told him. "I wasn't thinking of it that way. I was only thinking of how I felt, and also that it was my one time I could get away with stuff! I wasn't thinking about it hurting you or making you feel disrespected."

"I know this is not the birthday of your dreams, and I feel bad about that, but give me a break, I'm trying really hard here!" Jay practically pleaded.

"I know you are," I told him. "I'm in such a crappy mood and being so selfish, and I'm sorry! It's not your fault!" 

I felt overwhelmed with guilt, and that added onto the emotions I was already feeling to make one huge confusing mess. So now I wasn't trying to do anything wrong, but still vastly succeeding because I was frustrated and my attitude was all screwed up. And I lash out as a result. So...pretty much the same result whether I tried or not. Which then made me feel even worse. Ugh!

Well now I was desperate for things to be better. I mean, really desperate. So I did the one thing I never thought I'd do: I sobbingly asked for a reset. It turned out though, my sweet Jay couldn't bring himself to spank me on my birthday (slightly different attitude than last year! ). He told me lovingly that I was just emotional, I needed food (which was true), and we'd figure it out together.

 Nice thought, right?

So after we got food, I was still struggling getting through the day as best I could. I tried to cuddle with my husband, but honestly it still was hard. It was getting late, and we needed a few things, so I asked him to go to the store while I watched our son, and stayed back to talk to a friend on the phone.

I was still talking to my friend sometime later when I heard him back in the house, HOH-ily calling me. I came to into the kitchen where I knew he was, wondering what I clearly had done wrong, and was greeted by that mischievous grin of his, as he held out a beautiful little cake (cappuccino flavored!) complete with "Happy Birthday, Kay" and a lit candle. I was seriously crying. It meant so much. He also had Cherry Garcia ice cream for me. As soon as we could get our son to bed we ate cake and ice cream, and things felt much better.

Until... he said it was time for bed, and I protested, showed open defiance, pretty much like a little kid, I'll admit in hindsight. I used a loophole I specifically knew he hated, too. He then reminded me that my birthday had already passed, that it was past 1 am, as he pointed to the time and then the room silently, like the Ghost of Christmas future. There's that big big oops again.

A short time later, that action, as well as my bad spree for the day was addressed. Ugh! A brief spanking, thankfully, but very memorable.

So that was my birthday. Anyone still around? Sorry, yeah, that post was a little long and windy. And I didn't even really get to why I so strongly don't want to misbehave anymore! About that, I should mention, as is often the case of when I screw up that badly, my actions that day had longer-term consequences. Jay wanted to make sure that kind of thing NEVER happened again. Obviously some things needed to change. And he secretly listened to my conversation with another DD friend to find out where to go from here...

But that's for another post. :)