Somehow

Disclaimer: This is a "processing" post. What is expressed here is working through thoughts at the height of emotion, and may not represent what's actually happening. Nor should it be taken as representative of Kay's normal thoughts or what goes on in Kay's marriage on a daily basis. So don't read this post unless you can read it and understand it within that context, got it? Nor should you expect this post to flow beautifully or have any point...

This is a very different post than the one I started writing last night. But I have to work through this, so I decided I'd be nice and drag you all along with me. I'm confused, I don't know what to think, I'm discouraged, I'm overwhelmed. And I feel like I just can't do anything right right now. And somehow I've got to change that thinking. Somehow.

I avoided being in trouble last night, although I had earned it. But I dragged my feet in getting to bed, not wanting to face it. It ended up working well, because Jay was tired, and just decided to go to sleep. Fast forward to this morning, where I tried to negotiate a clean slate provisional on good behavior so I wouldn't have anything hanging over my head. He wasn't in a bargaining mood, and even less because I had brought our son down with me, which he saw as a manipulation tactic to avoid him spanking me. Oops, he may have been more than partly right on that, although I realize that in hindsight, not because I set out to do that.

Furthermore, Jay made it very clear he wanted our son upstairs, and me downstairs. His voice was agitated, and stern. I did what he said. Well, that part. There were apparently little things. Like he told me to lay over the covers, and I pulled the covers back. Then I tried to inject humor into the situation, lighten the mood a little, to ease my nervousness, and apparently it was bad timing. Yeah, not smart, apparently. Jay responded with complete frustration, that I wasn't listening to him, I was disregarding him, like I'd been doing the whole week. There was such agitation in his voice that it made me uneasy. He sounded cold and even uncaring. Not because he said anything bad, but because that support and gentleness that I'm accustomed to getting from him wasn't there. He sounded like I was a burden, he sounded like he was resentful.

I know I messed up this week. I've had a really hard time. My nerves are stretched really taut, I feel tremendous amounts of pressure, and right now, as unfair as it is, and as much as I try not to, often he's my safe place to direct my frustration. The slightest thing and I've lashed out. I've been defensive, derisive, and yeah, defiant. The more I've tried to stop, the more these unhealthy defense mechanisms to defend my pride and handle my insecurity have kicked in. It feels like I can't control it. My husband's been home all week on vacation and because of me, I don't think it's been much of a vacation for him. And it's not even his fault. He's actually trying. He's been gentle and supportive. He knows how much his dad here all the time is starting to get to me. He's helped out with our teething child. He's given me leeway in some things because he knows things are hard for me right now.

But mornings are bad, and I know he doesn't always think clearly then. Combined with hearing how upset he was with me, and what sounded like a buildup of resentment. Normally I do submit to a punishment. I don't usually fight him. I'm in awe of some of you, who can just take it the whole time, without moving once. Wish that had that kind of self-discipline, but I've got a ways to go in that department. I will move and pause it by moving, because it's hard to take. I'm not trying to defy him, it's like my body has a mind of its own sometimes, and I instinctually roll over or out of the way. When you're lying on a bed, which is how I get punishments most often, it's hard not to sometimes. And then I get back in position to take some more, as I've agreed to do. That getting back into position, though, is really hard for me. It's incredibly humbling, too. And every great once in awhile, when my emotions are in massive turmoil, I can't get my body to do it. Especially when I know we've only just started and I've got a long ways to go. I'll even start to get in position, and my body recoils out of it.

At times like these, I beg him for some reassurance. "Remind me why we do this!" "Tell me I can do this!" "Tell me you love me!" Anything to help, to give me that strength to submit. He usually does, and we continue. This time he didn't though. He had that "let's get this over with" attitude. Not mean, but a definitely cold "you earned every bit of this, and you are going to take it NOW" type of attitude. He was upset and I could see it. He reminded me I still wasn't listening to him about rolling over...as I never listen to him? Really? It made me feel defeated. And honestly I felt paralyzed. I tried to will myself to do what I was supposed to do, but I just didn't think I could. Meanwhile it was obvious he wanted me to get the message that this was his show. No delays. No making this what I wanted. And then he laid down the ultimatum. I either get in position immediately, and take the full hard amount, or we'd do it tonight, and the number would be tripled, and the implement would be worse, with a new implement he just started using, that I particularly hate.  It should have made me jump to do what he asked, but I don't think I was thinking rationally.

I responded by asking for 15 minutes to get into a better mindset. He responded by saying I had ten seconds, and counting down. Which I swear, just made me lose my wits. I couldn't move. He hit zero. Then he got up. "Okay,' he said, "guess you chose what you wanted."

So that was it. He gave me a warning later on to stop avoiding him, and told me that he loved me. Also a warning not to try to weasel out of it, that he has to be consistent. Uh huh, great.

Tonight is not going to be easy. And I have until then to get into the place where I can somehow take it. Right now, it's just HARD. I doubt he'll do as many as he said. I'm not truly afraid of the spanking, although I know it will be hard to take, and I can't think about it for too long. I hate things hanging over my head. But also I hate the disharmony between us. I hate that I am not doing my part in submitting to him. I hate that I hurt him so badly, and I fear him being resentful like he used to be. Even when he assures me he's not, I'm not so sure. And I wouldn't blame him if he was! I don't understand how I can love someone so much, and yet act so badly. It feels like the more I try to get my emotions under control and not be ruled by them, the more I fail. Especially right now, I feel like a failure, like there's nothing I can do right. And I can't show any emotion of what I'm feeling around his dad, which for some reason makes it harder, especially since he's always around. Put on a happy face! Yeah, I'm not good at hiding my emotions. But I somehow have to. Just like I somehow have to find my ability to listen, obey instantly when it's automatic to take the scenic route, and keep my mouth shut when it's a wise idea.

Somehow.