Well That's How!

So if you didn't see my last post, it was pretty despondent, I'll admit. I was feeling completely defeated, and any ability to keep these stupid coping mechanisms from happening seemed out of my control and impossible. 

Jay doesn't like when I give up and just say, "I can't." He no longer allows it. He makes me take responsibility even when I don't want to, and in whatever method he has to use to get the message across,  realize I have more power than I think I do. And he made that message very clear that night. So yeah, things are much better now. My defeatist attitude is gone. Gotta love DD, ya know?

But hate it too, though! Holy fweaseldom. That night was hard. Capitalize that. HARD. Yeah, that's more accurate. Hard emotionally and definitely hard physically.

Jay was loving and calm. He was sweet and encouraging, and let me know how hard he knows things have been for me. But he was also oh so firm. He emphasized that my defense mechanisms need to stop and immediately. Yeah, ouch. I thought maybe he might back down. But he didn't. He was intent on impressing upon me the seriousness of my actions. And impress he did. He did not do the triple he said, because I had to work this morning. But he did do the number I was supposed to have before, and didn't stop until he administered all of them. No pleading mournful eyes worked this time to stop it. (I know, I know, I'm not supposed to do that, I know!). And this time he used that evil implement, just as he had said. The one he'd only discovered a few days ago. Which I may or may not tell you about, since it's a story that makes me shudder to even tell about it. I mean it clearly fits under the horror genre. You know, a cover-your-eyes, "Don't go into that dark place!" kind of story. Okay, otherwise known as another "Kay's not so brilliant sayings and the horrible outcome". Something I'd get a lot of smack for, because yeah, it also falls under the pretty dumb category. Hmmm....you know, on second thought, it's a boring story. Not interesting at all...let's move on...

Where was I? Oh yeah, Jay changing my perspective. That night was agony for me to get through. It was humbling and eye opening. It involved lots of tears. But...what a relief to have harmony again! It's back to DH now, in Stormy's words. Like it should be. There's no more tension between us. No more wondering if maybe he's resentful. I love DD when it's DH.

I'm not wondering if I can behave anymore either. I don't see a choice really! Desperation can give you great strength, ya know? Like not wanting him to use that method of problem solving again! And well, it's quite the motivation to stay out of trouble! You see, his not tripling my punishment came with a price (his compromises always do!). I get one warning a day. If he sees attitude after that, such as what I've been giving him this past week, it's back for another session like last night. Eeeeeeek! But then, just so he fully communicates the message he wants to send, he plans to use a little bit of cap cream as well. Like he plans to go to the store and buy the real stuff. Versus the watered down menthol one we have that he got by accident, hee hee. It was nice while it lasted... Anyway, the whole idea makes me shudder. He's dead serious, and I'm not going to dare test him on this one. Ugh! By the way, did I mention how much I hate DD?

So that's where things stand now. Him, encouraging but HOH-y, my protector even from myself. His love intact to see me through this stress. Me, polishing my halo furiously.

And back to both loving it and hating it. :)