A Little Bit of Venting

Right now I'm hiding in our office. A lot of these days I'm alright, but sometimes I struggle. I didn't even want to blog about this for awhile, I wasn't sure I knew how.

My father-in-law is now living with us. As in not visiting, as in moved in. This is a guy I have a history with, and it isn't a good one. Most of the time I've been around him has been absolutely miserable. While we lived with him in Texas, I spent almost every day being told how stupid I was and being deliberately antagonized, because he found it amusing. He doesn't drink anymore, so that's a plus, since when he drank was when he did that the most. Last time he lived with us was shortly after my dad died. He was civil, for the most part, but it was so apparent that he didn't like me. I spent a lot of the time in tears, in trouble from lashing out, and altogether miserable. I did everything I could to help him, wrote him up a resume (he thought it was horrible until the Work Source place said that I should come work for them I did such a good job, lol). Then I finally helped him find a place. Everything I did got turned back on me. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess. Especially when someone thinks all women are "crazy and liars"by default.

I know what he found wrong with me though, besides that I'm a woman. Before six months ago, I didn't cook. I really didn't know how, nor did I believe I could. I'm emotional, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. He believes in toughness, he's from a rough crowd. And oh yeah. He thinks that Jay is accountable to me. Ha! He thinks that I try to turn Jay against him, and because of that, he gets screwed over, when we made a decision together or oftentimes, had no control over something. Somehow it often gets twisted around to be my fault. With his family, it's much easier for them to blame the Yankee outsider and logic doesn't necessarily figure into the picture. Ironic? Yes, because when Jay was little, this guy let his wife control him and Jay, after being beat up by his alcoholic dad for years, spent his teens in group homes and on the streets as a result. Ironic also, because I'm the reason Jay is no longer on the streets, and his dad knows that. But whatever.

Coming back to now. I promised myself that never again would I allow him to stay with us. Not after everything. BUT...well, my family is a little different than Jay's. We place a lot of value on never turning our back on family NO MATTER WHAT. Besides which, God gave us this house, and we dedicated it to him. And then there's the truth that we're the only picture of Christ this guy will ever see...

So when things got desperate and he had no place to go, Jay and I both agreed that we should step in and help. It's not like anyone else would, we were it. Yes it would have been poetic justice to throw him out on the streets like he threw his son out at the age of twelve, but I can't do that, and Jay can't either. So here he is. We were expecting more time though. Jay is planning on making an apartment for him in the garage, but I know to be realistic, even with Jay's talent, that's going to take a long while. So here he is: here. every. second. of. the. day. Jay has encouraged me to see him as "the least of these" that Jesus talked about helping in Matthew 25:40, and I'm trying to. Or as someone mentally ill that can't be any different also helps. A little.

The good: He's different now. He's trying really hard to be nice, and not say stuff he knows is going to rile me up. He's great with little J, actually surprisingly so. Apparently he's learned a LOT since he had kids and just stuck them naked and diaperless on newspaper. Now, he's attentive and protective. He absolutely loves our son, and it's hard to miss. He actually did say last time that it's the one thing I did well was to have him. So yeah, after a lot of skepticism, I can say he's actually earned my trust in that area. The guy is also incredibly generous with material things and with his time. He's trying hard to help out around the yard, and he's done an amazing amount since he's gotten here. He shares whatever he can, in terms of food and anything else. He actually shocks me at times with his generosity. It's not just that he's trying to contribute, you can tell it's just a part of who he is. Also I think he may like me more, since I cook now and because I have such an amazing son. I don't know, I hope he does. I shouldn't care what he thinks, but I do.

The hard part for me: I always feel like I'm under a ton of pressure. To be what will not cause dissension, to guard my emotions when I'm upset, to keep everything picked up and cook stuff he'll like, anything to keep the situation from returning to what it was before. I know what people will say, that I shouldn't be trying so hard, that I'm putting pressure on myself. But I can't go back to how things were, I just can't. And so I'm tiptoeing around, and sometimes I'm not sure how long I can continue to do this. Jay has told me many times that his father is who he is, he can't understand any different, and I should just not care. But how do I not care? And so right now, I'm dealing. And making all of this toughest of all, is that this is a long-term situation. When he's out in the apartment in the garage we'll have more privacy, but then it means it will be permanent for sure. And it's hard to accept that, no matter how better things have gotten. Like I said, some days I'm good with it. And some days, I just want to get away.

On the bright side, this time around has been a whole lot better not just because of how my father-in-law has been acting, but also because of Jay's attentiveness. I'm actually proud of him, how he's handling this situation has shown how much he's grown. He knows how hard all of this is for me, so he's been extra sweet and extra cherishing. And it's meant the world to me. With that, he's been extra consistent and while I'm not, I admit, appreciative all the time for it, at least I know he's not resentful or holding in frustration like previous times, and that means it's actually a relief for me, knowing where I stand all the time. So yeah, falling in the not-something-I-always-want-but-when-I-am-honest-enough-to-admit-it-realize-I-need-it category (will someone remind me about that wise perspective later tonight?).

And for the most part, I'm proud of myself too. I have to say, that for the most part I've handled all this pretty well. I'm not acting out as much, partially yes, because my value my ability to sit down, but still. The first few weeks were difficult, but I'm adjusting especially in not taking my frustration out on Jay and watching my attitude. Not that I haven't been in trouble, but I have behaved a whole lot better this time around than I ever have in this situation. I'm just not sure sometimes how to keep it up. I'm trying to keep perspective. Focus on the good. Keep my attitude respectful and behave when every fiber in me is screaming from stress, and I'd rather give in to what I'm feeling. But it's not always easy. Like today. 

Tonight is maintenance. I'm struggling, because I'm not sure what to tell my husband about how I'm feeling. I'm probably getting more than maintenance anyway. And in addition, he's going to want to know why I've been holed up in the office for half the day. I need him tonight. But I can't explain what I need from him. Being held and reassurance maybe, but reassurance of what? He can't change anything, we're going to be dealing with this for a long time. UGH! Yep, some days I feel strong enough to deal with all this. Just today I'm not quite there.

I'm holding out hope that I'll have a better perspective tomorrow though. :)