Catching Up A Moment

Hey everyone. I know, I know! It's been eons since I've last written. Which is why I thought I'd better pop my head up for a sec and give a friendly bark hello before everyone thinks I'm gone for good beneath the tumultuous waters that describes my life right now.


August and September were a whirlwind for me. I was helping my brother with his business, good sister that I am, and it was long hours and often far away, so I hardly saw my husband at times. In fact, there were times I wasn't able to come home for several days (yay for no chance for spankings, hee hee!). And then that ended, and I was home again. I was a little nervous about the transition back to being housewife and rules and all that, which is always difficult. But I thought at least I'd get a chance to rest, breathe for the first time in I don't know how long, maybe renew. At least enough to cope with what I knew I was going to be facing. No such luck on that one though.


October has just been, well, ugh. You know the expression "When it rains, it pours?" Yeah, that. And not just talking about the weather outside. I've never liked this month anyway, and this one has just seemed more dark than usual. I think I'm holding my breath til November, hoping and praying no more unexpected things will be piled on to what I'm already facing. Because I'm not sure how much more I can take.


October started out with me knowing it that it wasn't going to be exactly a carefree picnic. Because of transitioning back to our roles, yes, but also heavily because of an issue my husband and I have disagreed about for a long time that I'd finally come around to at least being resigned about. In short, my husband won me over to his side to see that he was right, but not without me really not being excited about it. That would have been enough to keep me up nights and struggling with stress. But then I got several shocks, and things happen, right in a row, that made my current stress look minute in comparison. Most of it I can't talk about on here, being a public blog, since I'm pretty sure Jay would fillet my butt if I did (abuse disclaimer: well not really, but you know what I mean). But I will say that I've had to come face-to-face with some of my greatest fears. Emotional fears, not things like spiders. Well, actually being that it is October, that too, a really big one in our bathroom that I can no longer find, eek, but I digress.


The truth is my confidence and self-esteem got shaken, in a way the I've never had to face before. I even found myself wrestling with doubt about my worth in both God's eyes and my husband's eyes, which I've never before thought possible. But I was kind of blindsided I think, and I'm still trying to process everything. Even just that one thing would have been stressful. And then so many things added on, in such a short time span, I got to the point last week where I couldn't even cry. I felt just numb from it all. That's when I opened up a piece of mail dealing with another huge shock of something dealing with my father-in-law that was now hugely affecting us, and I began to shake uncontrollably. I managed to dial my husband's number (he was actually out in the garage helping his dad with something), and when he came in, he just held me. I'm so thankful he'd happened to take that day off, because if he hadn't, I don't know how I would have coped. But he decided we needed that day to spend some time as a family, since he could see I was nearing the breaking point, and also to get away from what was going on at work for a day. Jay imparted to me his strength, assured me that the worst wouldn't happen, he'd make sure of it, and by that night, both with my husband's help and God's intervention, things got a little more manageable at least.


Since then, it's been learning to deal, and be okay with stuff. Oh and learning that when you're being careless enough to run to catch the walk sign when crossing the street, and your so-called running shoes have no traction against the slick wet pavement, that momentary slowed-down feeling of flying may be freeing, but it's likely to end up with you connecting with that evil pavement in a way that's quite painful. In this case somehow falling on my head. Ouch for days.


I'm actually doing well I think, in trying to keep perspective, since I know it's not unusual for this kind of thing to really really affect a person. I'm trying to listen to truth, rather than all the emotions I'm dealing with right now. I've even had to face that's God's timing of finding all this out was perfect, and even though I'm facing things from my husband's past, things that are stupid and unfair, I realize the man he is now is worth all of it, even this.


And Jay, at least, has been my rock. Well up until lately, since work is super stressful right now, and now I think, we're leaning on each other for dear life, I think. But he's been there for me through all this in a way I don't think he could have done three years ago, maybe not even a year ago either. He's been tender and sweet and affirming in the way I've needed most. He's judged wisely and given me leniency when he knew I needed comfort instead. And other times, insisted consistency was what I needed so I wouldn't spiral. I don't always appreciate it at the time, but I do recognize it, as hard as it is to say.


Speaking of, yeah, the DD side of things hasn't changed much, its still that day-to-day struggle, same as always. Some days I have a better handle on submitting than others. I'm still having trouble rolling my eyes unfortunately, and yes, I know, I know I should go read that cautionary post the angel part of me wrote a while back. Maybe read it several times? I try to remember how serious an issue it is. In my defense though, I do think he goads me with some of the crazy stuff he says. Not serious HOH stuff, but off the wall goad-worthy stuff, like he's daring me to respond. Yesterday I told Jay that I couldn't help it, that my eyes are allergic to BS (Okay yes, maybe not the wisest statement to tell your HOH. And yeah, I know it sounds bad, but you should have heard what he said first!). Still a rule's a rule's a rule, and it's not allowed even in play, not in this house. And I get his point, but I still need something to do in the moment, ya know? So, smart people, if you've got alternate suggestions of ways I can react that won't fall under that rule but still make me feel better in the moment (even if I only get to use it one time, ha!), I appeal to your genius.


Oh I almost forgot. I've been meaning to share for awhile now this awesome present my wonderful friend Kady got me but haven't gotten the chance:

Is that perfect for me or what?! It's of course proudly hanging up in our house. Jay definitely loves it, appreciates it tolerates it. It does sometimes make the poor man shake his head, can't imagine why. And then he'll mumble something about how stubborn his wife is. But knowing my husband, I'm sure secretly he finds it amusing, even if he doesn't say it, ha!


And it definitely makes me smile!



So anyway, that's it, you're all caught up. I'll try to get caught up on your lives soon too. And I'll really try hard not to stay away as long. Miss you all!