Help, My Blog Has Been Hijacked!

Okay, not really. But since I'm not using my blog much anyway (because...life), I thought I'd let someone else on who has worthwhile stuff to say. You know, to prevent it from getting all dusty. And missing a certain former blogger's fabulous writing could have something to do with it too.


Backing up, a commenter asked a question that I thought was really the basis for a great topic. She asked if this dynamic gets easier because I've been doing it for more than six years. My shotgun response was, "nope!" (may have been because I happened to be in trouble at the time, gah!). But then it got me thinking, because the yes and no answer to that question can get pretty complex. I answered, but I also wanted to see if I could lure another veteran ex blogger that used to be around to give some insight, since I was pretty sure she would have some great insights to add. And yay, after much pleading, I finally got her to say yes and write her perspective!

No, I'm not going to tell you who it is, that's no fun! Well, we could call her Walkin on Sunshine because I'm sure after all this time away she's perfect by now. Um...yeah, maybe not, maybe Cloudy With A Chance of Sun would fit better? Ok, you're right, it doesn't really matter...

What? Stop my rambling and give her the floor already because you'd rather hear from her anyway?

Impatient people, sheesh.

 
All right, all right, I'm shutting up now. Here's instead my Anonymous Former Blogger friend (whose name may or may not have something to do with the weather)!

I'm excited to do a ghost post, I've never been a ghost before! I immediately tried to walk though a wall. Now I have a Snoopy bandaid on my nose, and my husband, let's just call him my Oh-grrr, is scowling as he fixes the wall. 

I haven't been around this neighborhood lately, so I guess I should first say hello (((((((waving wildly)))))) before I jump right in. It has been a very long time since I wrote anything and I feel a little shy and strange. 

I read a question and decided I would try to answer it. Okay yes, I had a serious nudge from a friend. Let me preface and say that I don't qualify as an "expert" as there are NO experts in this lifestyle. It's just two people who love each other, refuse to give up on one another, and are willing to go a little deeper to protect what they have built together. 

The question I'd like to attempt to answer (remember I don't have my sea legs yet!) is this: "Does it get easier with time?" 

I truly wish there was an easy cut-and-dried answer. But the truth is the answer is yes and no.

Yes it can get easier. And NO, it doesn't always get easier or stay that way. Since I'm just one girl on a bicycle built for two on a journey made for US, I can only share my experiences after six plus years of peddling wildly. What the oh-grrr and I have experienced may be crazy different than what you will but there are likely some commonalities so here I go..

Why it DOES get easier: 

1. Communication

As you get to know one another in these new roles, you'll realize that communication is everything. As awkward as it all is at times, you'll HAVE to share what you are thinking, feeling, needing, and what changes/tweaks are desired. (Let me just say that otk isn't the best time to line your hoh out, don't ask me how I know this I just know stuff ;) The reason that time helps this process is obvious; you get more comfortable with each other in "those" moments and it all starts to feel quite normal. It becomes more of a lifestyle than an event, you deal and you move on. But each time you do, you learn "who" you each are in these new roles. 

Why it does NOT get easier: 

1. Communication 

It can get harder if you have a savvy husband who decides he's no longer satisfied with your "safe" answers to his questions. He may demand you grow, stretch, and become more transparent. He may require gut-honest communication with no more games. (Me? Wha?) I recall very clearly when my ogre, I mean Oh-grrr, made a rule about not distancing, wow- that was a tough road for me for awhile. But the truth is it worked, and we reached a new level of intimacy and after a long while I didn't even get in trouble (much) for that particular thing any more (but don't fret, I was always able to invent new stuff...) This lifestyle can also get harder when you think you "got it by now" and forget to check in with one another or make communication a priority. For example after discipline he may assume you're fine, but you may be waiting and want/need the reassurance or encouragement he usually gives you. The lack of communication can build a wall of hurt and confusion, when all that was needed was a few words. Miscommunication can happen even as you grow in other ways on this journey. Keep it front and center!

2. Expectations

Why it can get easier:

This lifestyle can get EASIER as you adjust your expectations of one another. There will come a time when you realize you have to stop comparing your husband to everyone else's HOH. Maybe you think he's too strict and wish he was like somebody else you read about, or you wish he'd toughen up, or read you better, or or or..the list goes on. It's normal to compare but it's ultimately destructive. Take a deep breath and recognize how unique you are, and with that, how special. Your love story is your own so own it and embrace it (might as well since you're stuck with it! ;) 

Why it can get harder:

But as time goes by expectations can mess with you again. Why? My oh-grrr expected that I would figure out how to be submissive, respectful, and well...his perfect angel. That ain't happening, folks! Sure I learned a lot along the way but I'm never going to be perfect and neither is he. Time marched on but he still worked through anger issues at times, and I still had my rebel spirit. I really expected that we would get over some of our issues once and for all but this lifestyle isn't a magic wand, it just isn't. It can help your marriage in many ways, but keep your expectations realistic and be fair to one another. Let each other stumble, fall, and don't judge one another by your latest and worst mistakes. Rather be there to catch each other and give stunning grace. 

Why it can get easier:

3. Changes 

At first it's all so confusing so you stick to what you know, good or bad. Things can smooth out as you go..so there's some good news. As time passes you will see patterns that are at play, things that aren't working, etc and you'll begin to have the confidence in your "formula" to recognize nuances and address them. You will see ways to tweak your DH style to make it better. For us we developed some awesome guidelines (life savers for me!) such as the 30/70 system (70% encouragement and 30% scolding), the "15 Minute Rule" (being able to request fifteen minutes before a consequence to get my head on straight or for him to calm down), and the "When it's over it's over" rule (once he spanks, the lecture is over too). I found ways to reach him so he listened and made adjustments for my emotional well-being. 

Why it can get harder:

3. Changes

You knew I was going there, right? I've missed you, you smartie people you. Okay so yeah, changes can be hard as the years pass. Your husband grows in confidence as an HOH and may demand more. The rules can get harder to follow, or you may get tired of following rules at all. (I do!) Life goes on and dh doesn't solve all of your issues and it might even add new ones. Another way change can make things hard is if you and your husband don't change at the same rate, or in the same ways. Years pass, and you grow and change as people, your family changes, and life situations may change. You might start viewing this lifestyle differently, you might end up with different goals or want to change your roles. DH is like dating, you're either going to get married or break up lol. What I mean is, do you plan on going the distance? There is an ebb and flow to this just as with anything, and many couples quit or take breaks along the way. It's good to be prepared for the possibility. Change can be tough too, as I have learned, when your husband changes what's acceptable. Of course you have a voice and you might change what you find acceptable too! Just do your best to talk a lot, and change together in ways that benefit you both.

I guarantee this lifestyle can get easier as you go along and gain experience, but it can get harder as well. It's SO critical to share your ups and downs openly, to communicate with one another and to respect each other's perspectives. Keep your eyes wide open as pitfalls happen, but keep your heart open too. Forgive readily, accept apologies and give them as well. Have a sense of humor! Stay playful with each other. When mistakes happen, shake it off and move on. Be flexible and ready to adapt to changing circumstances. Check in with each other regularly. Are you happy? Is your spouse happy? Is this still a benefit to your relationship? If you want things to get easier here's my best advice- allow this lifestyle to mature you, to bring out your absolute best self. You have accountability in your life now? So be accountable. Your husband wants respect? Be respectful of him AND of others. Show him you see growth in him as well, praise him in his leadership. One of the hardest things I've ever done is tell my husband he did the right thing when he decided to spank me for a bad attitude. It just about killed me to wipe my tears, swallow my pride, and admit that he saved our day that morning. But oh boy howdy did he glow with pride when I told him so, because he felt wise, he felt strong, and he knew I knew he'd been fair. It helped him be more fair, more wise, and a better leader. He has grown a lot and so have I! But it's not always easy, and I promise you that issues will continue to be part of your lives. Just as you worked hard in your marriage, so must you both work hard in this arrangement. 

So from me and the Oh-grrr, good luck!