The Let It Go DD Clash

 

Maybe it's due to that it's been such a long winter, or that my little girl is obsessed to cuteness with singing the "Let it Go" song, but we've watched Frozen a lot around here these past months. I'm not complaining; I'm a huge Disney fanatic. My young children being obsessed with it really just gives me an excuse to watch it without my husband being too annoyed. But lately a conversation I had with Jay has been making me think. 

You see, I have something in common with Elsa, and not just a love for beautiful eyeshadow. Nope, no cool powers. Not that her gift would be useful at all in my life. Spankings are way worse in the cold, and cold totally does bother me anyway! My view is more yay for springtime starting this week, and good riddance to all things winter! Plus, for the record, I'd much prefer the Disney princess ability to get animals to clean my house!

But the one thing I do have in common with her is coming from an environment where you have to be perfect, not ever make a mistake, where you never get to explore who you really are.

 

I'm going to let you in to a part of my life I haven't talked about much on here. But you're not going to get where I'm coming from unless I do, and at least being under the cloak of anonymity lets me be able to be raw on here without the risk. 

I spent most of my childhood in a foster home with a cult-like atmosphere, shut away from most of society. It was bad, everything we did and thought was controlled. After several horrific years, I finally learned the key to surviving was allowing myself to be programmed until I had lost most of myself. I had no desires other than those I was told to have. I obeyed even before I was told. I could anticipate what my foster parents wanted, and I melded my mind to theirs. As a result, my foster siblings were in awe of me. Even my foster parents were too, since I had achieved being their perfect daughter. Like with Elsa, my coping mechanism gave me security behind walls. Unlike her though, it freed me from my fear and also gave me one more thing, that illusion of power. Life seemed perfect.

Until...

It was gone.

I no longer had anyone telling me what to do, how to think, how even to feel, and the illusion that was my life fell apart. I discovered everything I had been taught was in many ways exactly opposite. I discovered I'd been shut away from the world and had no knowledge to even make sense of it. And most of all, no sense of who I was, and how I could even fit in. The grueling process, of getting beyond the fear and uncertainty that went with trying to decipher slowly what was true and what was not, the overwhelming journey of self-discovery, and even picking up on social skills I was denied learning from being so isolated from society, lasted awhile. And that process wasn't over when I met Jay. 

So what does this have to do with DD and submission? Well, when we first met, I would have been the perfect submissive wife. Yes, I liked to argue, and I stood up for my values and faith so passionately, nothing could sway me. That last part actually awed him, combined with my level of innocence. But beyond those things, I never stood up for myself. I had an almost servile air about me. Even though I had no idea I did.

Before he learned what love was, (further explained here in this post from awhile ago, another Disney story of ours, ha), I put up with Jay's beyond controlling, damaged alpha ways no matter what, as he pushed and pushed to see how much I would take. I remember him saying once, "Stand up to me!" I remember it, because it shocked me. I actually took those words to heart, and as he transformed from the unfeeling beast of a person he used to be into the amazing guy he is today, so did I, from the damaged naive girl into a woman of spunk and confidence. I discovered I didn't like being told what to do. I discovered it gave me even a rush of actual glee to rebel. I talked back. I matched his witty quips with my own. I explored with wonder this new world I had previously been denied, and basked in that freedom. You think I can be a smart-ass and love loopholes only because you don't know Jay! He's the master of all that, and I learned from him. Even learned to one-up him, and wow, was that an addictive rush! And basically, you could say he's the one that corrupted me. 

Yes, you heard right, It's HIS fault!

Going back to Frozen, we recently had a conversation about all this. I admit, I may have been playfully taunting him by overemphasizing for effect "...let it go, let it go, that perfect girl is gone! Here I'll stand, in the light of day..."

Jay took it in stride, shaking his head.  "I can see why you like that song," he commented dryly.

"Well you helped bring me into the light, so thank you," I responded, smiling sweetly.

"You know I don't think you just sometimes fall into your rebellious nature, I think you're actually proud of it."

"Yep!" I shot back, totally teasing, because of course I'm going to say that. But no way for real, that's horrible for a DD wife! Especially doing this as long as we have! Except that it got me thinking. Could that be true? Maybe that's why so much of DD is so hard for me. I absolutely am proud that I won't let myself be controlled anymore. That I'm done and will never go back to who I was. Ok I see it, he's right. There's pride in rebelling, holding my own, the power I feel in even taunting a bit (um yes, I am flaunting my new indie eyeshadow Aim to Misbehave which I got for reasons having nothing to do with the color). It's true. I broke free, and I love it. I will always love it. I'm as competive as he is, and I don't think that's going to change. I'm his match after all, and he's mine.

But bad things happened between us, and with me. Things couldn't go on how they were, so enter DD. Learning this new way necessitated changing gears quickly. But we are who we are. I still am who I am. Even moreso because before DD, I struggled with low self-esteem from all the ways my disabilities affect me. Now I'm more confident, but that also makes me feel more proud to assert myself? And here's where I fear it just looks like a bratting game to an outsider. Because it's not like that. I promise you, my heart is in the right place, even if my inclination is still to protest. This is not about attention or fun or other reasons. It isn't "play", or seeing who can win. Maybe about most else, but not about this. Yes, that switch between the two ways of thinking happens fast. Or it's supposed to anyway, sometimes doesn't, and  I feel caught between the two while my brain tries to unentangle what I think.

Breaking it down, I'm in this lifestyle for a reason. I choose to be in it, because it helps us. It's not a game, it's a lifeline. I may joke around about it (another coping mechanism), but I also take it super seriously. And yet at the same time, I fight it. With pride I never want to hide. It's that constant inner war. How can someone like me live this lifestyle? How can defiance and submission coexist? They're opposites! Isn't that as logical as combining winter and summer? It's tough, working through the this stuff.

By the way, that conversation continued with me pointing out the irony of me getting spanked when he's the one I learned from. That since it's his fault, he should be the one punished. He didn't agree of course. Said something eyeroll-worthy like he made the mess, he should clean it up. 

I could tell though as we talked that as much as it drives him crazy, he's proud of me. No doubt he wishes I'd do what I was told on a more regular basis, and fight him oh so much less. Still, he knows I have a mind of my own, and he doesn't want what I used to be. 

I understand there's a balance. I can't swing from one end of the pendulum to the other. Both are unhealthy. So I'm working on it. My husband is ummm...helping through, as he says..."acts of true love". (seriously you wonder why it's hard not to roll my eyes when he says stuff like this? Guess he's a bit of a Fixer Upper...). 

We talk about this kind of stuff a lot though. Sometimes jokingly, often seriously. It's so complex. He knows how much I struggle with all of it. There are times it brings me down, it gets discouraging. This struggle shouldn't be so great, it shouldn't be so hard to do what I already agree is best for us.

I just wish things could be wrapped up as easily as they can in a Disney fairy tale. But this is real life. Maybe I'll never truly work it out. 

Or maybe I should stop trying to reconcile it. Maybe two things can exist together, even if they are so crazy opposite. Maybe it doesn't have to make sense. And maybe that's more ok than I think it is.