Beauty and the Beast - Part 1

Seeing and hearing all the hoopla about William and Kate reminded me of another modern fairy tale.

Hollywood tells it again and again. Disney too. Girl meets boy. Specifically, in this case, good girl meets very bad boy. He treats her badly, but she stays by him. Doesn't leave no matter what he does, or how ugly he is within. Until one day, he wakes up, realizing she means everything to him. That completely changes him. He turns from the person he is, into her handsome Prince. And they live happily ever after.   

Sounds too perfect, doesn't it? A Hollywood fairy tale. Or a typical plot for a romance novel. Little bearing on real life. And yet, that's exactly our story. I realize this dream is why a lot of women stay in abusive relationships, that one small shred of hope that he will change, that he will become the person she sees the potential for deep inside. And that's one reason why I don't share my story much. I know my story is not the norm.

I was swept off my feet the first time I met my Jay, not because I thought he was hot like all the other girls, but because of the things we had in common. I saw an instant soulmate. He saw, um, a conquest. I wouldn't date him at first. I didn't want to lose him as a friend. Naive girl that I was, I didn't realize it was just all just basically manipulation to get into my pants.

My husband was a bad guy. He's the first to admit it. He had had a horrific childhood and life, and he hated people. He trusted them even less. He saw women as objects  for his pleasure, and with his chiseled looks, in spite of his life troubles, he was never lacking. He didn't keep relationships, though he was a master at charming women. He was rigid in his beliefs in how he saw the world, and how he saw other people to be. He looked out only for himself. Such an attitude had kept him alive. He kept his heart tightly locked up, and opened it to no one.

I, on the other hand, broke every rule he had about women. I wouldn't have sex with him, because of my beliefs. But, I never cheated on him. I was always honest and loyal. He went through an extremely tough time. Throughout his life, he had never known anyone to ever stand by him when things got bad. He did not believe it was even possible. I proved him wrong.

I told him that even if I couldn't date him, my love for him was unconditional. He tested me. Constantly. To say he was a horrible jerk to me was an understatement.  I don't ever advocate staying in an abusive relationship, physically, emotionally (as was my case), or otherwise. Anyone who's in an abusive relationship needs to get out! The massively rare exception is when you are ABSOLUTELY SURE that's where God wants you. And by absolutely sure, I mean God has answered every test short of the angel Gabriel coming down and telling you. In my case, I did every Gideon's fleece-like test out there to make sure I was doing the right thing. And I kept getting the same answer. That I was where I was supposed to be. The guy had never known love. So how could I expect him to know how to receive it, much less give it?

At one point, he moved back to his hometown with his long-lost parents. He begged me to come visit him for the summer, and I did. After the initial happiness at me being there, he began to be horrible to me then, too, in spite of needing my help on something important. Actually, besides the few times he did it while we were playfully physically sparring, that's actually how spanking first came into our relationship. He told me I should be giving him sex. I told him it violated my beliefs, and tough. He decided that he'd spank me every night until I relented. I told him, spank away. And he did. Not brutally, and not bare, but it still hurt! Dysfunctional, I know. He wanted to see how much I would put up with. He thought I'd give in. I didn't. So he gave up. And he learned I can be just as stubborn as him! But I did finally go back home, convinced that I'd helped him beyond what I could, that things were over between us.

Then something happened. Have you heard that song "Cry" by Mandy Moore that plays during the credits of her movie "A Walk To Remember" (another story a lot like ours minus the dying)? That was pretty much it, only in our case, it was over the phone. One thing he'd always said is that he'd never cry. Tears to him were weak. But now, for the first time, he allowed himself to feel. And in that moment, I felt the icy chill over his heart break. He told me he'd suddenly realized he had feelings for me he'd never known before, that threatened and overwhelmed him, and so he had fought them. He told me he realized how much he'd taken my love for granted, and begged me to forgive him for treating me the way he had. He told me he wanted to change, to be the man I deserved.

The Beast did not become a Prince overnight. No lights came down from heaven, nor did the air tingle with magic. But Jay began a process of change that was profound, if not miraculous. It still took years of him choosing to learn, and choosing to change before I was able to even consider marrying him. But he did it.

Now my husband is indeed my fairy tale Prince (although he'd no doubt roll his eyes about me saying that, lol). But he's everything I've ever wanted in a man, and more. He's gentle, loving, and fully in control of his emotions. He has surrendered his heart both to me and to God. No one who knew him before can believe he's even the same person. 
 
We still have our share of life's problems. But we have each other, and God's hand guides us. Because of that, we truly have reached our happily ever after.