How I Got Through it

I was clearly in some hot water. And by that I mean scalding, boiling, about to made into some Kay Soup. I did something during the middle of the night, and was told that morning by my husband that the consequences I'd get when he got home would be severe. He was going to make absolutely sure it NEVER happens again. I had hoped that eating and going about his day would soften his resolve. No luck. If anything, talking to him on the phone, he seemed more resolute to show me what he thought of my behavior.

Waiting for a spanking is never easy. And waiting for an AAAC (Avoid at all Cost) spanking is pure misery. But this was worse. Why? Because I didn't agree that I should be in trouble at all. Was it a repeat offense? Yes, Jay was right about that. We've struggled over this issue before, and the line hasn't exactly been made clear. I think he thought it had. But this was a parenting decision on my part for the welfare of our child. And this particular night, I used my best judgment with a sticky situation. It inconvenienced him greatly, he got very little sleep. I didn't either, and I had to be up earlier than him. But I felt I had done the right thing, even if it didn't turn out optimally. We have responsibilities as parents, and I'm trying to do the best I can. There's no manual for this stuff! (well there is, but they all say something different). But my husband did not agree with my decision.

So I knew what was coming. UGH!! Someone asked me as one of the questions we still need to answer one of the drawbacks of DD (yes, we're still going to answer, didn't forget, I just have to wait til things settle down a little more before Jay will answer anything else). But I'd say situations like this definitely fit in that category! When you have to figure out how to submit when a leadership decision has been made, and you disagree with it. And yeah, I was struggling to figure out how to deal with it. On one hand, I thought I had done the right thing. But on the other, I wondered if Jay was right. Maybe I had made a bad decision. After all, there's no manual for this stuff! (Well there's a billion of them, but they all say something different!).

To help ease my anxiety, I talked to a few friends. And I went on the Network, and was encouraged and supported in an amazing way I didn't expect. Everyone with kids affirmed my decision as the right one, which I desperately needed to hear. (For those of you reading who were on there, THANK YOU!)

Then I talked to another friend for awhile, and even tried to get her husband's perspective. Sometimes being able to lean on others makes things a lot easier, you know? I was really nervous about the night, and it was an effort to stay in the right mindset. As a side note, I do want to make one thing clear. I trust Jay completely. And while I'm naturally nervous about an AAAC spanking (isn't everyone?), especially with how he's already upped things lately (OMG, that's an understatement!), I did know I was going to be okay. But really, submitting to a spanking is hard for me, even when I deserve it. I had never been in this situation before, waiting to take a hard punishment I didn't think I deserved. And I didn't know how I'd handle it. I was desperate to try to keep my mind right, to remember that Jay loved me, to remember the bigger picture. Because I don't care how much an AAAC spanking may hurt, it still doesn't compare to what DD has done for our marriage, the harmony and peace and closeness and openness that we have because of it. Submitting to his leadership means submitting to the leadership of an imperfect human being, who will not necessarily do things perfectly every single time. It means I have to know that we're going to disagree sometimes, and still, he has the final say. He has earned my respect, and I know that I know that I know he will weigh each decision carefully and do everything for the good of our family, and for me, that he can, but that doesn't mean sometimes he won't be wrong. And even spank when in my opinion, he shouldn't! But well, sometimes you've got to take the bad with the good, right? And so I tried hard to keep the right perspective through this. Of course, I'm not a saint. And as I was feeling tired anyway, I did try the "going to bed" tactic. Yeah, that worked! Not!!

Jay knows me too well. He flipped on the light, took the covers off, and paddle in hand for extra motivation, ordered me HOH-ily into the living room. Actually, he had bought us dinner, and he wanted us to watch a show together. Yeah, sweet guy, huh? That was actually good for me to see, because it reminded me that his priority was still focused on us.

After it was done, though, he turned toward me, all seriousness. "I'm going to go take a shower," he said, "and then after, we're going to the bedroom together." His tone left no question about what he meant. Arghhh!

"Jay," I started to say.

"No," he silenced me.

"I love you," I told him.

Normally he'll respond back, playfully, "I bet you do!" because he sees it as a weaseling tactic. But this time, he said, "I love you too. But you KNOW you've had this coming."

While he was talking, my friend had texted me some advice from her husband about submitting, and as I watched Jay leave the room, I prayed then and there that I'd remember it when I felt like I was being tested most. I tried not to cry as I texted her back, "Pray for me, my stomach is in knots. Pray that I'll be able to submit to him even though I don't agree, because I know he's doing the best he can to lead us, even if he's wrong sometimes. Pray that I'll keep in mind the bigger picture."

So I had about a half hour, less than that. As is often the case when I need outside encouragement, and to keep from going absolutely bonkers, I find something to read. Sometimes it's some of my own stuff, things I've learned, and sometimes it's profound things that I've read from friends, blog posts I hold onto when times get hard. Sometimes you have to remind yourself when it's dark of the things you knew when you were in the light, you know? As I was flipping through Stormy's blogsite, looking hurriedly for one in particular, I came upon the post "What About Unfair Spankings?" If you haven't read it, you should, there's a lot of wisdom there. It was exactly what I needed to read at the moment. And as I read, affirming what I already knew, it strengthened me so much. And I prayed, and I also listened to "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real. For me, music can affect my mood like nothing else. And that song helps me keep my husband's perspective in mind, what he's trying to do. Why he earned my trust to lead me.

And then it was time. Jay had both wood and lexan in hand, which told me clearly how bad it would be. My stomach went into my feet. "Jay could we please talk first?" I pleaded. "Please?"

He listened. And I told him my side. He told me his side too. It was very convincing, to be honest. I didn't really understand fully before why he was taking the stand on this issue that he was. But I also helped him understand why I had done what I had done. That my motive was pure. He pointed out something I had said that had been disrespectful. I had been tired, so I didn't remember fully. But if that's the way I had said it, he was right, that was wrong of me, and I did apologize for that. He promised we'd figure out a different situation for the new house, (which we'll be in within a few weeks!) but asked that in the meantime I'd submit to his decision. No, let me rephrase that. He made it clear that I needed to. And I said I would.

"So you have my word that I'll do this," I told him. "I didn't realize the full situation, and now I do. But you also know that I didn't realize, and I was just doing what I thought was best as a parent. You got through to me, I will listen. But I didn't try to hurt you deliberately, and in your position as head of house, do you really think the right thing to do is to give me a severe spanking when I was just trying to do the right thing?"

"But are you going to continue to do it is the question," he pointed out. "Because you continue to think it's the right thing. And there's how you spoke to me, which I didn't appreciate."

"NO!! I'll try really hard!" He was still vacillating, fingering the paddles that were still in his hand. I had to show him I was serious. "Double or nothing!" I said suddenly.

"Done," he said. And he told me the terms. He also told me how hard each swat would be, just so there was no confusion, and I think my face drained of color, I'm not sure. "And Kay," he said. "Don't test me on this. Because I give you my solemn word I WILL deliver. As hard as I said, and as many as I said. There's no excuses that will work. I won't put it off because I'm tired, it will happen. I'll make a point of it happening. Are we clear?"

I thought for a second.

"Do you want five as a sample of whether you should test me on this?"

"No! I believe you! We're clear," I affirmed, hoping to God that I'd not mess up. I've done "double or nothing" before, often with good results, sometimes with bad, but nothing with this serious of a situation. Maybe I should give up gambling...sigh.

So as a result of that conversation, I am happy to report I am able to sit down while I write this!

As I reflect on what happened last night though, I wonder how things would have been different if I had gone into the room defiant, waving my flag of justice. If I had yelled at him about being unfair, like I would have in the past. If I had spent the night stewing about how much of a jerk he was being, instead of trying to understand his perspective, and submit, even if I didn't agree with it. If I had submitted in body only, but not with my attitude. I know he wouldn't have heard what I had to say. I know we probably would have fought, and I most definitely would have lost! He may have listened eventually, but that would be after a lot of pain, and that's literally! Instead, we ended the night in each other's arms, me once again affirmed how much my guy loves me. But really, if he had spanked me, to make it clear, it would have been hard to go through. But I would have tried to remember all the great things that he HAS done, and I would have submitted. I was prepared to. Thankfully though, Jay did the right thing and we didn't have to go there. But if we had, we still would have been fine, because I see the bigger picture.

One of the reasons why I came back to blogland for a sec to write this (I DO miss everybody, just way too busy right now) is that I know other DD couples will face a time like this. In fact, unless you have a certain personality that makes these situations not happen at all, (there are those out there, and I envy you) times like these are pretty much inevitable. Maybe not with an AAAC spanking on the line, maybe it's even something small. But expect it. Because no matter how good your DD relationship is, it's made up of imperfect people who don't always see eye to eye on things. And when that happens, that can be the real test.

The key, though is how you handle it, and that's what determines if it makes you stronger as a couple, or defeats you. :)


Oh, and in a pinch, "double or nothing" is a great tactic, hee hee! (Just be sure you're fully ready for the consequences if you don't mean it!) :D