Know When to Fold 'Em

Hi, my name is Kay, and I'm an addict. A gambling addict, to be specific.


My dad introduced me to gambling long before I turned of legal age. He taught me all the tricks of Blackjack, his favorite game, and once I turned twenty-one, he gave me money often for that purpose during family reunions in Vegas. He taught me to know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em (yeah I know, I'm rolling my eyes too, but yes, I heard that song a lot, and so that's a nod to my father, who I still miss very much). Also, most importantly, he taught me when to be content with my modest winnings, and leave the table. It was an activity we shared together, though we rarely spent that much. But even if I lost my chips, he discreetly passed me more, so it was great for me! And I was good at it! I loved the time we spent doing it for his sake, but since I'm conservative with money, I wasn't snagged into anything anyone would call addiction. I actually had a bigger opportunity to become a gambler when a friend of mine, who treated me much like a little sister for a little while, introduced me to craps. My eyes grew wide as he showed me another side to Vegas, the high roller lifestyle. I saw him throw his black chips down with seemingly wild abandon. He placed bets for me too, and I watched in fascination as my roll of the dice made everyone at the table, even me, hundreds of dollars, sometimes more (I rolled yos and doubles a lot). Even then, though, I may have enjoyed it, but would still never become an addict over it. Nope, I didn't become a true gambler until I started DD.


Of course, I gamble a little differently now; any guesses what now I put on the line? I am still conservative with money. Maybe that's why I fool myself into viewing my type of gambling as harmless. But really, take it from me, gambling can be bad no matter what you're wagering with. When gambling in Vegas, the big fear is what they term, "losing your shirt". It's followed by tears and regret. In DD, the big fear is losing your, um, pants. No, that's not a term, that's literally. It's followed, just the same, by, well, do I really need to say it?


You'd think I'd be even more conservative when we're talking about my own skin, but the truth is, addictions don't follow logic. And the truth is, wow, do I place a lot of bets! My big thing is gambling with time. It used to be more betting that my husband would be tired, that he wouldn't want to follow through, or that I'd be able to weasel out of it with my brilliant reasoning. Such bets made me a profit for awhile, whenever I'd consider being on the computer when I should be doing a task for instance, possibly worth the risk. Or talking to friends, or giving into whatever temptation took away my focus at the moment. But then the odds turned against me, and well, I needed to find a new game. Got to live on the edge, ya know? (Okay, no, I haven't had my head examined, but I'll admit you're probably right, I should get that done sometime). it's not really a new game. But the only one that still seemed in my favor! That seemed? Yeah maybe that word should be emphasized a little more. Maybe with a bold highlighter or even neon arrows. Because like with all gamblers, that kind of thinking has been my downfall. The game I've been trying to play is that I can do what I want all day and still finish my tasks on time. I have to admit sometimes I do win. Flushed in the glory of victory, all other bad experiences that would signal a warning for future fates fade into nothingness. Thus when the next time temptation calls, I gamble once more, full of optimism that the results will once again be in my favor. Like I did yesterday.



Jay gave me a task. It wasn't that complex, and I had all day to see it done. I'm supposed to be packing anyway, not doing this mundane thing, was my reasoning. So I packed, right? Nope, can't even use that as my defense! I got distracted doing something entirely different. Something bring and shiny that I thought I could squeeze into the schedule.


When several hours later, my husband called me, he asked me if this task was done. "No," I replied.


"Why not?"


"Because I've got several hours til you get home," I responded nonchalantly, in a brilliant moment of genius. Is there something I can get that will censor my thoughts before I announce them out loud?



So you're deliberately procrastinating because you think you have time. You know what I think about that."



"Yeah, but it doesn't matter, right? It just matters that I get it done by the deadline!" I said triumphantly, feeling bold. Will somebody please give me some duct tape to put over my mouth? Geez! 


"You think so. But that thinking is pretty dangerous, you'll discover. That task better be done, I'm talking things better be spotless, by the time I get home, or you're looking at the maximum. Am I getting through to you?"


"Wait! But why? Why the maximum?"


"Because you're choosing to procrastinate."


"Well I've got it under control though! I'm going to get it done!"


"For your sake, I hope so." He continued to lecture for a few minutes, and I half listened, pretty sure I was safe. I mean, I had hours! 


Then I hung up the phone, and thought about what I had to do. Then I got started on everything right away! Oh, I wish I could write that! But no, I can't. The task seemed particularly unpleasant at the moment, and my mind was occupied by other things anyway, so I went on the Network and talked to friends. Now before you jump my case, I was only going on for a quick hello to everybody. And to check on a friend, since she wasn't answering her phone. And did I mention that I had hours left? So...quite a bit later, when I wrestled myself off the computer (okay, you can get on my case, geez, that was pretty dumb!), I began my mad procrastination dash that I do way more than I should.


I'm also not sure why I keep forgetting to factor in the time feeding, preparing, and putting my toddler son to bed will take out of those last few hours. Sigh. Suffice to say my brilliant plan to rush around at the end and get everything sparkling by the time Jay walked in the door didn't work out so well.


Not even close, in fact. He came in, took everything in with a glance, then shook his head. I smiled at him sweetly. "How was your day, Honey?"


He met my eyes. "A lot better than your night will be, apparently," he said dryly.


Well that shut me up from my attempted weaseling! Dang, the guy knows me way too well. The old tricks just don't work anymore. Never one to lose my voice for too long though, I soon was attempting again. "But Jay-" I pleaded.


He shook his head again. "You're not getting out of it, Kay. I was clear, wasn't I?"


"Yeah, but-"


"Kay!" he warned.


"Yes," I admitted honestly. "I'm sorry, Jay. I didn't manage my time well." Yeah, kind of an understatement, I know. 


"Yeah, and a little more than that. You did it fully knowing what you were doing. Deliberate procrastination. I told you, I warned you what would happen. And you insisted you could ignore me, and rush around at the last moment. Why did you think that would work, Kay?"


"Well, it usually works!" I blurted in answer. Yeah, I know, not my brightest moment. Ugh!


Jay's sternness melted into incredulous amusement. "Just have to know," he said, shaking his head again, "you think that helped your case?"


I buried my face in my hands. "Oh my gosh, I can't believe I said that!"


"Oh Sweetie, Sweetie," Jay said. "Maybe you should just stop, before you choke on that foot in your mouth." He kissed me gently. "Now come get some food before it gets cold," he said.



We ate and then watched his show, River Monsters. And you know when you're waiting for a punishment, how everything around you just seems that more annoying? Well, the episode was, whatdaya know, about another dang catfish (I mean, how many episodes do they have to have about giant catfish? Geez!). Sometimes okay, I'll allow that that show can be interesting. like how can you not be fascinated by the one about the parasite that swims up a guy's, um, peter? I've told Jay I might get me one of those so I could have some leverage, and make him bend to my will, for a change.  He was less than intimidated. Humpf. 


Okay, sorry, totally digressed, ADD moment. But all to say it was a difficult night, and my attitude didn't help my cause either. In fact, by the time we got to bedtime, I was struggling not to fight him. When you're annoyed at everything, sometimes the root cause is actual annoyance with yourself. I came to that realization in the midst of the lecture he was giving. And realized I really don't like dealing with feeling that way! That's why I'm writing this post. So I can hopefully remind myself when it seems like I can't resist temptation. So I don't end up where I did last night.


The spanking was hard to take, but I think the lecture was worse. He usually doesn't lecture much, but he did last night. About procrastination, and how it is never acceptable. He punctuated his words, so I'd better remember them. And after, before he held me, he asked me if my gambling was worth the consequence.


"No," I whispered.


"I love you, you know that," Jay continued, drawing me close. "But I hope you realize that the game has changed, Sweetie. You need to step up now, because the hammer's about to fall, unless you change. What you experienced tonight is just a preview of what's to come. I need you to listen to me, and take your responsibilities more seriously. Or sorry, Kay, but you're going to soon find sitting down to be something you don't get to do very often. I need more from you, okay?"


Then he went into specifics, just to make sure I knew his words weren't empty. So yeah, it's pretty clear Jay has upped the ante, and I better listen to the words of wisdom and "know when to fold 'em" in a hurry.



Because no matter what it seems like in the interim, you know what they say, in the end...House ALWAYS wins!