Jay Answers - Part 1

Okay everybody, I apologize I missed the March deadline, lol, oops. The truth is, we've had a very hard couple of days, extremely emotionally draining for both of us, and we just couldn't get to it. But better late than never, right? Anyway, here we go, him answering, and me, of course, translating and adding my two cents as well (did you actually think I could resist?).


Zoe: Is there anything you know now that would have changed the way you did things in the beginning?
Do you have any advice for a new HoH?

Jay: The importance of persistence, consistency, and a lexan, (wide evil grin), oh, and also I would have had the rules written down and laminated. As for advice, be consistent, and remain strong, don't let her use loopholes or weasel out of trouble, and I highly recommend buying or making your own lexan.

Kay: I'm NOT putting that!

Jay: Aren't you supposed to be writing down what I say?

Kay: Yeah but I'm not putting that! What about encouragement, being cherishing, and can I at least put implement instead of lexan? 

Jay: Yeah, well all that too of course, but these are the things I learned. And no, put what I said, or I'm not answering another question.

Kay: Okay so I had to, Zoe, but just to let you know, I'm totally in disagreement about this! I'd say an HOH needs to encourage always, realize it's a learning process and communicate to make sure you're always on the same page and learning together, above all know love is the key, makes sure she always knows she's cherished, positive reinforcement is good and effective (use it), and yeah, ok, I'll agree with my husband that consistency is absolutely important. But a lexan is too advanced for a new DD couple--it's absolutely EVIL! Stay away from that until WAY later (or just keeping it on the NEVER list is fine, too!).

Jay: Yeah, see, I was expecting you to add all that in anyway! I agree except for that last line.

Kay: Moving on..(sheesh)


Christina: Jay - I would like to see Kay win the Network Challenge of 7 Days without any punishments - do you have any ideas on how to help her achieve this goal? The benefits would be good for her as well as you both as a couple.

What is one thing you like to do with your wife that you haven't had time to do in awhile? Can you both make the time to do it?

Jay: (Laughing) If I go blind, deaf, and dumb for a week! Ultimately it's not about me, it's about her, and how Kay chooses to listen to the rules of the home. Right now though isn't a fair time to judge that since Kay is massively overwhelmed and on edge as am I, so honestly right now I don't know what to do a lot. When things settle down though, we'll be working on things again, and I will be expecting more from her again, she knows that. Things are going to have to change. And at that time, I'm sure more love, encouragement and lots of kisses will help her get there. I believe she can do it, just not right now, maybe. I also have something special for her if she achieves seven days. But it has to be real, not because of a technicality--like she's been gone, or we've been going through something big, so I let things slide.

We really need time away, just the two of us, and we will, as soon as our lives settle down. Right now is really tough.

Kay: I think you about covered everything, honey. Wait...what did you mean by "things are going to have to change?" 

Jay: Next question...


Belle: I would like to know from some of the HOHs: Were you consistant or resistant from the start? How long did it take to become consistant and more confident in your role as HOH? Thank You, Belle L.

Jay: Resistant. I wasn't sure about the regiment and there was the feeling like I was treating my wife like a ten year old. But after awhile, when I started seeing progress, I decided to continue on and see how far we could get.

It took awhile. She was pregnant at the time we began, so I didn't really become consistent until several months after our son was born.

Kay (laughing): That awhile, by the way, was super short! We did a trial period, and he was gung ho for extending it and making it permanent. I should mention too, that he disciplined me on occasion even before we started DD, we even had a paddle for that reason. But when we did the whole trial thing of DD as a whole, he wasn't sure about the officialness of it with the consistency, and the 4 D's, and I don't think he thought it would work. He was shocked that it did, I think, and I was shocked by the changes in our relationship. But even so, he'd still vacillate between wanting to be consistent and being worried after a punishment that I'd resent him over it. And caution because of my pregnancy, and through my long recovery afterwards. But I think it took him about eight months to truly get okay with everything...and oh yeah, to discover that he actually liked it. Not giving serious punishments, because those are hard for both of us, but spanking in general, definitely.I think making his own paddle had something to do with it, you know, the proud of it thing? Geez. And the fact that whenever he stopped being consistent, it seemed like we kept losing all the ground we'd gained.


Susie: Jay, we know that Kay struggles when boundaries aren't pretty firmly in place, when she's been working, when you've decided to take a break...those kinds of things, lol! But she's also made tons of progress. From your perspective, what changes/accomplishments/big areas of growth have you seen and what has made you really proud of her?

Jay: I'm proud of her for a lot. Off the top of my head, her cooking ability, better management of her time, she's listening more, and of course, how well she's raising our son. Oh, and her ability to recognize her own problems and work on them, which a lot of people can't do, that's a big thing. Other than the present, (which has been interesting because of all we've been going through), all this has helped her tremendously. It used to be, when I'd ask her to do ANYTHING, she'd whine and complain, and tell me to do it. Now, her attitude has gotten way better. She now takes seriously what I say to heart. And she's become better at taking her role seriously as a wife and a mother. She's more confident in her abilities and other than the stress of the present seems happier in general because she's been doing so well.

Kay: I used to always retort whenever he'd get me to do anything, that "if you wanted a Susie Homemaker, you should have married one"! But it was more than that, and he honestly knew that. It wasn't that I just didn't want to do it, it was that I honestly believed I wasn't able to. And I used to seriously beat myself up about it on a constant basis. And I was scared of becoming a mother because of that. But then he'd try to teach me some things, and I'd refuse to listen, because I was against submitting of any kind. Once I let that attitude go (for the most part, lol) I became a lot more teachable. And I discovered there was a lot more that I could do than I ever thought I could. I've regressed right now because of the stress level we're under (except for cooking), but it's only temporary and because I can't handle a lot right now. Thanks, Susie, for asking this particular question! Today especially I so needed to hear him say all that, though!

Jillian Bea: I've recently blogged about what it is I hope to achieve by using ttwd and what it is I find appealing. I know we are all different but I think lots of women who want to be involved in this lifestyle would agree with me. Can you talk about the what the appeal might be for men?

Jay:  (laughing) Well there's the turn-on from spanking, of course! And for some, it's mild, for some a lot.
 But besides that, for us, well, my attitude has changed a lot because I see her trying a lot more. We don't get resentful, which I used to. It gives us an outlet to address our problems, and gives us an outlet to work on changing them. We've become closer, we talk more, and are more bonded.

Kay: I  think Jay said the benefits well. It really has changed our relationship. We used to fight ALL the time. Now we hardly do at all. We DO however amuse ourselves A LOT more often with other more pleasant bonding activities, (which I'd say among DD couples is almost unanimously true from everyone I talked to), probably because we are a lot more bonded. And what guy doesn't want that? :D

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So there you go, everyone! More questions in Part 2, but I wanted to at least get these out! Thank you all!