Beauty and the Beast - Part 2

If you didn't read Part 1, feel free to go back to the last post to read my husband's story here. So anyway, now we come to my part, and how it has to do with TTWD.

When I said our happily ever after, I actually meant mine. Because although Jay definitely benefited from becoming a better person, the truth is he's still partially waiting for his happily ever after. For me, to  give him that.

Now it's my turn, to leave my beastly, bratty ways behind, and become his princess. I say this, at a time when it's especially difficult for me to submit. Ugh!

We have a new policy in our house that has me alternately licking  my wounds and sharpening my claws. I hate it. I can understand I need to work on some aspects of my behavior. I need to get better at time management, not give up so easily on projects I start, and learn to be a domestic goddess, or at least more than the train wreck I am now. I get that. But restricting what words I say...grrrr. I understand not rolling my eyes and saying the forbidden W word during a lecture. Yes, that's clearly bratty and disrespectful. But never be allowed to say it? Ever? C'mon, that's impossible!  I lived in Southern Cali for a long time! It's cultural! And there's no other word that means the same! You might as well stop me from saying "like" or maybe "the". Geez!

Recently, Jay was giving our infant son a bath, and I was standing nearby, ready to wrap the little guy in a towel. Jay was saying something. For the billionth time. And it was self explanatory. Instead of saying, "Again, I got your message, Captain Obvious" like I would have, I said "okay" like I should. And I said it again a few minutes later. But then at the end my bratty side came out (I'll admit it), and I said something to myself in French.

Jay pounced on what I said like a hungry cat on a mouse. "I told you you're not allowed to say that. And that's your ass."

I feigned complete disbelief. "What?! Oh Sweetheart, you must have misunderstood. I didn't say the W word. I just said something to myself in French." I didn't say the word! I didn't say the word! Nah, nah, nah, nah!

Now I got The Look. "You want to run that by me again?"

Sure, no problem, my sweet, dear, but very misguided man! "I didn't say what you probably thought you heard-"

You think I'm a complete idiot, Kay? You forget, Sweetie, I have that same translation app on my phone. You didn't think the very first thing I'd do is look up "whatever" in all the other languages so I'd be ready for you to pull this?"

Crap! What now? "I was just trying to expand my cultural horizons-" He shot me that incredulous look. I continued,"in a way that won't get me in trouble-"

"Well you're wrong there!"

"What? But I'm not saying the actual word you don't like! It doesn't even begin with a 'W'!"

He gave exasperated sigh. "Kay, you're looking for loopholes and I already told you there aren't any. I said you weren't allowed to say it in any form. That includes abbreviations, sign language," [Yep, I'd already tried those], "or other languages. And you know, you're supposed to be submitting to me. Constantly looking for loopholes is not doing that. You need to change your attitude. Then you might have a much easier time changing your behavior."

I paid up later that night. And he proceeded to make the consequence even stricter.

And since then, I've been in trouble for this infraction a lot. I've been worried I won't be able to sit down again. I've been resentful.

Okay, he's right. I haven't been submitting to him.

Argh, writing about changing and submission is making me think! I still don't like it. I want to change what I want, rather than what he wants, what he thinks is important. But I realize right now I've been thinking wrong.

Jay went through a massive transformation for my sake. He changed not only his behavior, but his perspective on everything, his attitude, everything he believed.

Can I do less? Hasn't he earned my respect for his decisions, even when I don't agree?

I remember the fear I felt first giving my husband my complete submission. I was afraid that absolute power would corrupt absolutely, that he'd return to the person he'd been, that he'd treat me like the dirt under his feet. From my first punishment, I found out my fear was irrational. He showed his wisdom and love in a way that left me dumbfounded. He earned my respect in a new way that night, and that has only grown since.

So why doesn't he have permission in my mind to make decisions I don't agree with? And to have the assurance that I will obey him rather than fight everything he says?

It's funny where your mind goes while writing. Or how God convicts.

So I've decided right now I'm going to start trying to obey him in everything he says with all my heart, not just half of it. I WILL change, I WILL transform, starting with my attitude.

He deserves that from me. He deserves his happily ever after, too.